To get dejected that my wife doesn't do anything for me?

[obstinatrix]

I've been with my wife for 13 years. We're a lesbian couple. She jokes that we're Chandler and Monica, with me being Chandler, and that's fairly true.

The thing is, she doesn't do anything to make me feel special. I get that I'm quite traditionally butch so it may seem as if I fall into the "husband" role and therefore she thinks she doesn't need to, but -- you straight women do so much for your husbands! I know this to be true! And also, I'm butch, I'm not a man. I think she forgets this sometimes. She also doesn't exactly adhere to other traditional m/f roles, like doing all the housework. In fact, she doesn't do any housework because she doesn't like to "get dirty," so it's up to me to take the bins out, change the cat litter, vacuum and clean the toilet.

I don't normally get emotional but on Valentine's Day just past, I got a bit sad at the realisation that she's literally never given me anything to mark the occasion. I gave her a card, which I always do. For the first three years we were together, I sent her a massive bouquet of flowers, but her response was so consistently lacklustre and confused that I stopped. I assume she isn't interested in gifts, really, because she has never got me anything for my birthday or Christmas, either, in all the years we've been together. I have got her something every time, even if just a nominal something. She doesn't ever seem embarrassed in the sense of "you've got me something and I haven't got you anything." She's never been stimulated by my actions to reciprocate.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit unloved? I know gift giving isn't everything, but in terms of "love languages," I do all the acts of service in this relationship, as well as all the giving. I just don't understand how it hasn't occurred to her that I might want some attention.

you dont sound happy that all it really comes down to.and she has never changed and wont.
and the bigges tthing here is you even said you would leave it it wasnt for finacial stops in your way.so this is never going to work.you want to leave.she wont change.she is making you unhappy.
surely there is something to be done about finances.or are you going to be unhappy forever.

Its sounds like you are both too concerned/caught up in assigning roles to yourselves and each other (traditional gender roles and butch/femme relationship roles) and not good at actually communicating. You've been together a long time and it doesn't sound like any of this is new so unless you both are determined to find a way to communicate better I'd probably concentrate on finding a way to extricate yourself from the marriage so you can both find partners that you can communicate with and do make you happy.
Also, straight men don't all kill themselves, in fact they attempt suicide in lower numbers than women, they're just better at it because they use more violent, and therefore more effective, methods than women.

you straight women do so much for your husbands! I know this to be true!

What do you mean by this? What sorts of things are you talking about?

I agree that the gendered thinking about which jobs are “male” and “female” is outdated and unhelpful.

I have answered YANBU because YANBU to feel a bit unloved. But you have some very weird stereotyping going on in your post.

Why the hell should she do all the housework?

Are you deliberately misunderstanding? She clearly goes on to say that her wife doesn't do ANY housework. There are plenty of mixed sex couples who would complain about their partner not doing any housework.

OP, she just doesn't sound like a very nice person you say you've tried to leave her but can't because of the house, but surely divorce and if necessary an enforced sale is possible?

Until then does the house have more than one bedroom? You could break up with her and move into another room and become house mates. You might still end up doing more housework than her but you could stop doing her laundry, dishes, food shopping etc and just do your own.

Op can't afford to leave her. Do she's in the unfortunate position that many are: having ti stay because can't afford to leave.

I'm married to a woman and I do get what some pp are saying about ssr and gender role confusion/conformity. It might sound ridiculous, offensive even, but it is a thing.

My wife and I are both feminine, but I'm definitely more so. In fact, most would assume I'm straight. My wife does the DIY, the taking things in and out the loft etc and I'm a SAHM and do most of the cooking, pretty much all the house work etc. I don't do this because I'm feminine and my wife doesn't earn the money and do DIY because she's less so. It's just what works for us. That's what a relationship is isn't it? It's not about gender roles. It's just making sure that you're both bringing things to the relationship, both practically and emotionally.

OP, you know you're not getting that. You have already said you would leave if you could, so the relationship sounds dead to me. I understand it would be difficult and finances are a genuine concern, but you know you can't stay.

DP generally forgets my birthday, or does something token for valentines because he's going through an airport at the same time as someone else who reminds him.

In my family, we just don't really do that sort of stuff anyway - I'd be super happy with a 'happy birthday' and an offer of a cup of tea and toast (not in bed. No-one wants crumbs in bed). BUT DP's family make more of a fuss. Cards are obligatory etc.

So I'm left being told I should feel guilty for not getting him a card/present on his birthday, but then also not reaping any benefit on my birthday because he can't be bothered.

TBH, I've told him to get knotted. If he can't be bothered to make an effort, then the most I'm going to do is help the kids make a cake for him, because the kids enjoy it, and it's good that they learn to think of others a bit, plus as I said, I don't really care about birthday presents for adults, so it's more that the one-sided expectation grates than that I needed it.

I can do that though, because I do feel loved in other ways - albeit also taken for granted - it sounds like you don't, that you're unhappy. Can you make a plan? Start looking at how you could potentially separate in the future?

Yep..... that's just mean and tight. Regardless of roles etc. I'd send you a birthday gift for sure! You sound lovely.

Wow so many comments that are missing the point. The OP is just trying to work out if the lack of thought and affection in her relationship is do to the way her partner views her. She was not saying she is the man in the relationship - rather does her DP see her as the man thus believing her to need less effort.

She is clutching at straws desperately trying to apply some reasoning to why her partner is the way she is - rather than allowing herself to realise that the partner is actually quite selfish and horrible.

How many whining straight men do we have to put up with on here moaning about their wives these days?

^ biggest fail ever.

OP I think you need to tell her how you're feeling. Things that my DH does that I appreciate are running me a bath if I say my back is aching, picking me up my favourite snacks at the shop, etc. It's not so much about gifts (although if my birthday was overlooked I'd be a bit annoyed). If she has done all of this for 13 years with no complaints, she may think you like it that way. Chat to her. If there's no improvement after a couple of months, reevaluate. Do you still love each other?

It sounds like you need to have a conversation. We all show our love in different ways. My husband does it by kissing and hugging, bringing me a cuppa. I do it with nice cards, listening about his day, snuggling in bed and cooking a nice meal.

If you don’t communicate, the other won’t know.

Fwiw I understand why you were talking about cleaning etc and don't know why other posters aren't seeing why you mentioned it.

suchafaff yes - nail on head. Her wife appears to be an unpleasant, uncaring person. Pearl clutching about the gender role stuff is minimising how unhappy OP must be because of her wife’s unacceptable, lazy and rude behaviour.

you straight women do so much for your husbands!.

I am in a pretty old fashioned relationship - SAHM and dh goes out and earns the money. I do do a lot for him but, and here’s the crux of the matter, he does a lot for me too. Are you able to expand on what your wife does do? That would give a broader picture, but on the face of it, she sounds like a bloody princess who expects the world delivered on a plate with little effort from her. “Doesn’t like getting dirty”?? Well boo fucking hoo! Ironing and hoovering doesnt make you ‘dirty’ in the way perhaps you would encounter germs cleaning the loo. Please tell us she does something!!

Yanbu, I couldn't live like that with my husband, we share housework, childcare and even though we don't do much for gift giving we always give it thought

You have some really weird and rather offensive ideas about gender roles, it’s not the 1950s and she should be expected to do all the housework just because she’s the more feminine of the two of you (not that you should be either). I’ve never tolerated that shit off men, they pull their way 50/50 or they’re out, their dick doesn’t give them a free pass.

Equally I don’t put up with thoughtlessness or any other old excuses made for them, you need to get your head out of these gender roles.
You’re an equal partnership, just as you should be sharing housework, you should both be considerate and thoughtful of each other. Talk to her and tell her that you feel a little unloved, she might feel the same.

Pearl clutching about the gender role stuff

It’s not pearl clutching to be offended by sexist or misogynistic remarks.

Your wife sounds like my DFiL (putting gender aside for the moment). He is actually very kind, but completely on the spectrum and just 'doesn't' get it' about things like presents or cards or physical affection. Even though he does really love my DMiL.

So perhaps there may be reasons for her lack of affection other than 'selfishness' or a lack of love for you at work here as PP's are suggesting. Yes, maybe your wife is just selfish, but it might be worth it to read up about ASD and see what you think.

you straight women do so much for your husbands!

I've seen countless threads on here from women saying how their male OH does nothing for their birthday/xmas/valentines or just something crap, and recounting how they go over and above for him. It makes me cringe but it definitely happens! Of course not all relationships are like that but I can see what OP means if she's basing it on MN posts.

However I agree it's not really about what sex you are, but partnership and making the other person feel cared about. I would forget about the "being the man" issue - it's irrelevant. Plenty of relationships whether straight or not, involve mutual kindness and marking occasions with presents. You need to talk to her, and work out if she's just thoughtless, doesn't understand, or actually doesn't care.

She also doesn't exactly adhere to other traditional m/f roles, like doing all the housework

Traditional roles of the 1950s, you mean?

Clearly OP is referring to her partner's confused thinking where she seems to cast OP as a traditional "man" yet doesn't enact anything traditionally "female" in the relationship. Not that anyone should, just that it's a bit inconsistent.

Forget the 'male/female' roles. I'm straight and married. Up until two years ago I was also a SAHM.

DH and I have always split the housework - if the loo needs cleaning one of us will do it. It's not me or him, it's whoever thinks it needs doing. Last weekend he mopped the hard floors whilst I did the hoovering. He did the ironing whilst I fixed a leaky tap. I fixed the tap because my hands are smaller and the gap was tiny plus my dad taught all his daughters the minimal DIY - makes sense for me to do the job as it takes me half the time. DH just tightened everything up for me as he's stronger. The ironing needed doing meanwhile so what was he going to do? Sit on his backside or get the ironing done? A decent person does the ironing so he did.

He puts the bins out as he leaves earlier - I take them in as I'm home earlier. It's seeing what needs to be done and doing it or pointing out 'I'm doing this, can you do that?' It's a partnership.

We don't do Valentine's day - never have. But Christmas and birthdays is gift time as is Mother and Father's Day to ensure DS understands he should appreciate people.

I'll buy DH his favourite biscuits if I see them, he'll get me a favourite bar of chocolate or the occasional flowers. We make each other a cuppa in bed occasionally if one of us is up earlier.

There are no 'male/female' roles in our house. If the work needs to be done the person best suited to do it, does it. I'm a better cook so I cook most of the time whilst he tidies round or sorted out DS when he was younger; he's the better gardener so he does the gardening and I'm gardeners mate or coffee maker!

The point is, after almost twenty years together, we've had honest conversations. I've learned it's no good, say, buying him is favourite biscuits and HOPING he'll think 'oh LondonJax loves that chocolate bar, I'll treat her'. I've given him a hug when he's said 'thanks for the biscuits' and said 'you know, it would make me happy if you buy me the occasional bar of that'. He's called me a cheeky so and so and I've got a bar of chocolate a couple of nights later. It's stuck in his memory so now and then he'll make a coffee when he gets home and produces a bar.

Straight talking given with a hug or a smile tends to get a positive result. It doesn't have to be a row and you shouldn't let things build that much that it becomes a row.

The point is most partnerships or marriages need a straight talk now and then. Whether it's not clearing up or expecting one person to do the lot or whatever, you can't expect your partner to be a mind reader. You have to open your mouth.

As for you can't afford to leave her because of finances. Maybe she's feeling the same way. Time for a serious talk over a cuppa.

OP you think men don't need affection? They're all sociopaths or something?