To get dejected that my wife doesn't do anything for me?

[obstinatrix]

I've been with my wife for 13 years. We're a lesbian couple. She jokes that we're Chandler and Monica, with me being Chandler, and that's fairly true.

The thing is, she doesn't do anything to make me feel special. I get that I'm quite traditionally butch so it may seem as if I fall into the "husband" role and therefore she thinks she doesn't need to, but -- you straight women do so much for your husbands! I know this to be true! And also, I'm butch, I'm not a man. I think she forgets this sometimes. She also doesn't exactly adhere to other traditional m/f roles, like doing all the housework. In fact, she doesn't do any housework because she doesn't like to "get dirty," so it's up to me to take the bins out, change the cat litter, vacuum and clean the toilet.

I don't normally get emotional but on Valentine's Day just past, I got a bit sad at the realisation that she's literally never given me anything to mark the occasion. I gave her a card, which I always do. For the first three years we were together, I sent her a massive bouquet of flowers, but her response was so consistently lacklustre and confused that I stopped. I assume she isn't interested in gifts, really, because she has never got me anything for my birthday or Christmas, either, in all the years we've been together. I have got her something every time, even if just a nominal something. She doesn't ever seem embarrassed in the sense of "you've got me something and I haven't got you anything." She's never been stimulated by my actions to reciprocate.

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit unloved? I know gift giving isn't everything, but in terms of "love languages," I do all the acts of service in this relationship, as well as all the giving. I just don't understand how it hasn't occurred to her that I might want some attention.

Is she cold and unresponsive in everyday life, OP? Or is she making the point that she dislikes celebrations (more than she likes pleasing you)? I think you need to discuss this. And her expecting you to do all the housework. The relationship sounds very one-sided.

I just don't understand how it hasn't occurred to her that I might want some attention.

Erm, because you've accepted this behaviour for 13 years, perhaps?

Have you actually spoken to her about this?

I couldn't give two hoots for Valentine's Day - way too commercial for my liking, and restaurants etc are always too busy anyway. Birthdays though, they are a day when people let you know that they are glad you came into this world and became a part of their life. The day they show you want you mean to them. I've never had someone show me quite the same appreciation as I do them on birthdays, but that may well be because we didn't make a big thing of them as a family when I was growing up, so I probably over compensate.

You deserve to be told and shown how much you mean to your partner, even if it is only one day a year. A little thought goes a long way. If you've told her how you feel and she's not even trying then I'd say it's probably time to cut your losses. Much better to be alone than with someone who doesn't appreciate what you bring to their life. Everyone deserves more than that. I wonder what she brings to your life that makes you even contemplate this being enough to settle for?

You're thing about the gender roles is a bit odd and I'm kind of offended but that aside, have you ever spoken to her about any of this? She's not got you anything for your birthday or for Christmas in 13 years...have you ever asked her why?

@BlueHarry not sure why you're offended about the gender roles when what I said was that I wish she wouldn't envisage us in gender roles just because I'm quite butch, given that I do all the housework?

Also yes, I've brought it up before early in our relationship and she's said she doesn't really think about gift giving because it's not important to her. I said well, it's important to me. She said she would try to remember, but then never did.

She does have ADHD.

She doesn’t need to remember, she can set up a calendar reminder a week before any event or celebration to buy you a card or present. She can set it to make a noise/pop up and you can set it to repeat daily/weekly/yearly or customise it. If she can’t be bothered to do that knowing how important it is to you, I’m not sure there is anything worth saving, sorry if that sounds harsh.

what I said was that I wish she wouldn't envisage us in gender roles just because I'm quite butch, given that I do all the housework?

I think it's the fact you're assigning a gender role to housework, OP - it's not a 'feminine' activity, it's just shit that needs to be done.

Unless people have a sensible conversation about it, shit that needs to be done is typically carried out by the person in the relationship who cares about it being done most or who has the least power.

That this happens to be you in your relationship has nothing to do with whether you're butch or whether you're assuming the role of 'husband' that you think straight couples have.

Part of being in a relationship is being able to say "this is important to me" and even if your other half isn't so committed to it (like Valentine's Day) they will flex toward what's important to you the majority of the time. Especially if it doesn't mean a huge effort for them. This is because they love you and they want to make you happy, This is regardless of gender. We have a thing where I think shop bought cards are a waste of money and only benefit card shops. Other half doesn't. I buy him a card for his birthday but not valentines which he's less fussed on. The child makes him one for Father's Day. The pound shops do a box of chocs for £1. Supermarkets do a bunch of flowers for u dear a tenner. It really wouldn't cost her much to make an token effort would it? If the issue is that she can't think of things to buy you at Xmas, you could create a list or drop massive hints to help out.

You deserve better. Perhaps start by trying to explain how you feel and stressing that these things are important to you. Go from there. Her actions if they continued in this way would hurt me.

@nachthexe it’s usually netiquette to read beyond the thread title before giving ‘advice’.

...whining straight men?

I am not a whining straight man, given that I am a woman, but I would also point out that straight men typically find it very difficult to talk to their mates about anything important because of toxic masculinity, which is why they all kill themselves.

@nachthexe The OP is female, assuming you didn't realise already?
(If you did, apologies, it's late lol)
(Also ignoring the fact that if you thought OP was male your post was nobbish. Everyone's allowed to post in here

Cross posted with OP, and well said x

She has adhd. Trying to remember isn’t going to work. She needs lists and systems in place. I’d be very hurt if I were in your position. She really does sound like a taker.

She clearly isn’t good at present giving as a love language. Talk to us about the good things in the relationship and anything, which she does for you or that you feel are loving or kind.

You’ve spoken to her about it and it hasn’t changed. I would ask how the rest of your relationship is, but if you’ve tried to leave I’m guessing it isn’t that great either.

You could try relationship counselling, I suppose, but the fact is you can’t change other people and your expectations of loving behaviour seem to be miles from what she actually does. So if you want to feel loved you’re unlikely to manage that without making leaving her a priority and looking for someone else.

Does your wife know to what extent she's making you feel unhappy OP? Does she know or even care that you've tried to leave her in the past? Have you discussed selling the house and each going your own way as opposed to just leaving?

think it's the fact you're assigning a gender role to housework, OP - it's not a 'feminine' activity, it's just shit that needs to be done.

OP isn't assigning housework as feminine, society does. It is a traditional sexist stereotype. So OP is confused as to why she seems to be treated like a "traditional" man who doesn't need as much attention as a woman, if her wife does not adhere to gender roles in any other way. Housework was used as an example for how her wife does not adhere to stereotypical roles, so why should she be treated "like a man" so to speak just because she is butch?

I don't think she likes you very much, to be honest.

I also think you have some slightly odd ideas about straight relationships - apart from anything else, they're all different in their dynamics, so you can't really compare as there isn't a "standard"!

However, to get to your feelings about it - men also need affection in relationships, so if you're thinking that by her seeing you as the "butch" one, she thinks you don't need care or affection, then that's bull.

She basically just doesn't care that you need to feel loved, noticed, appreciated by these little tokens of care and attention - no birthday/Christmas gifts sucks FAR more than no Valentine's gift!

You must sit her down and tell her this though - if you haven't already tried to do so - she might think that you're ok with it, if you've never said anything!

I'm so sorry that you're in this one-sided relationship and, if talking doesn't work, I hope you can find a way to get out of it and find someone who does actually care about you and appreciate you.

Wow - some posters are too lazy to even read the OP now, just respond to the title! That's some special level of laziness, that!

Surely one of the perks of being gay is that you don’t have to deal with the shit lot of straight women put up with. You’ve basically found yourself a crap bloke with a vagina.

And I confess that I missed the posts about your wife having ADHD - still though, you've told her that it matters TO YOU, so she should make more of an effort to do something nice FOR YOU if she actually cares about you, whether it matters to her or not.

Tatiana - one of the really interesting things I found from talking to a lesbian friend of mine is that it isn't really any better! She'd been in several relationships, some where she was treated badly, some where she treated the other woman less than well - but it all boiled down to unequal dynamics and despite them both having vaginas, a lot of unspoken resentments and shit to deal with.

I don't know that gender roles come into it. My brother is gay and a SAHD. His husband never cleans or cooks and they have the exact rows that other (heterosexual) couples seem to have.

You sound quite sexist and ADHD or no ADHD our wife sounds lazy and thoughtless. Maybe stop buying her presents and doing all the housework and see what she says about that.