Ghosting someone is shitty

[Alkaloise]

Just that, really.

If you don't want any contact with a person for whatever reason, have the guts to say so. It is far kinder than making the other person wonder what on Earth has happened, have them worry about you/ their last interactions with you.

Ghosting is a coward's way out.

Couldn't agree more. Cowardly and hurtful, makes the other person feel like they're not even worth an explanation.

I agree to a point but it depends if the other person will actually accept the reasons. Someone hurt me really badly and the reasons were explained to them through a third party because it was an extremely sensitive and painful reason. But they wouldn't accept they had done anything wrong so sent flying monkeys and breezy messages to me via FB along the lines of 'have you stopped being silly yet?' which was upsetting. In the end I ghosted them. Do i regret it? No. I'm sad that person acted the way they did with no responsibility but I tried so conscience is clear.

Its not always black and white.

I'm 98% with you OP. I think it's cowardly and shitty too and causes long term confidence issues in the victim.

However, ghosting is sometimes necessary in instances of abuse.

I ghosted, but this was after trying to explain the reason for my distance and it being ignored. I was asked weekly for more contact so in the end I ghosted as i no longer needed just distance but for the pressure of continuous requests to stop. It's a shame, i cared about her. Her burthday is coming up and I'd really like to send a card but i know i have to keep my distance or she'll misunderstand.

It depends how well you knew them.
Ghosting an date isn’t the same as ghosting a friend of a few years.
It’s actually preferable to ghost a date.

If you've explained to the person you don't want to see them and they don't accept it subsequently ignoring them isn't ghosting!

Ghosting is doing it without ecpkanation:no argument, no idea why just sudden radio silence.

With the exception of abusive relationships YANBU op. There really is no excuse not to at least send a message.

It is very cruel.

BottleOfJameson I've always wondered what constitutes ghosting. The person in my example went round wailing that I had ghosted them and how upset they were but inwardly I felt it wasn't really ghosting they were just ignoring my reasons and didn't want to accept them.

Yes, that is understandable.

I'm just a bit frustrated at having been ghosted recently by someone who, a few weeks back, was still planning days out with me. No fall-out, no indication that anything had changed, nothing. Just sudden radio silence.

We had plans in a few weeks, which are non-refundable and had been pre-booked well in advance. And now it probably won't even happen.

It's not the first time I've been ghosted, but in other instances they've been friendhsips slowly fizzing out, so that was - while sad and annoying - kind of understandable. This one is not.

Well, I've made three attempts at contact, spaced out over a few weeks. Said person always has her phone on her and backed-up by a smart watch, so lost phone is not an issue. Just in context for the timeline, because in other cases, a few weeks would be nothing, but with her, it's significant.

I'm not chasing anymore now, but I am deeply disappointed and questioning everything that has gone on before.

YANBU. It's horrible wondering what you are supposed to have "done wrong" when you've only ever wanted to be kind and loyal.

I wonder if some people do think it's kinder than just saying "not interested anymore"?

Yep even some kind of excuse like not looking for a relationship or having a lot of work on is better than ghosting; at least that way the person can move on without wondering what’s happening for days. It’s been going on forever tho, we have a word for it now but it’s not a new thing.

I've recently done what you describe, but I've done it because the person turned out to be a really manipulative and toxic person. I don't want to be involved in any drama so I've just pulled back completely.

I'm not saying that's why it's happened to you, but there are three sides to every story.

Mmh. I wonder, though, what happened to the MN classic "it's not working for me anymore". That would be kind. That would give an indication that something was/ is not right. Out of the blue?

Did you let the person know how you felt beforehand?

YANBU. I'm a natural worrier and when someone ghosted me (it's only happened once thank goodness) I was beside myself with worry. I would never do it to someone else.

I wonder if some people do think it's kinder than just saying "not interested anymore"?

Oh, I susepct some people sell themselves this notion.
It's not usually kinder though is it? - just easier for the ghoster.

Men have been ghosting women for years way before we had this name for it and they will continue to do so.

How many times have you heard a women going on about how he hasn't replied? Do you think he's ok? Maybe he's had an accident or something.

It is pathetic and usual the reason is crap too but it is also a good way to come back if they change their minds.

It wasn't you and I'm so sorry but I was going through stuff and I just couldn't talk to anyone, I'm sorry.

Ghosting someone who was a friend is cruel.

I ended up on medication after i was ghosted by a close friend. Never been at a lower ebb. She literally stopped talking to me, no reason, no argument. I can only assume the third friend in our group had been stirring as shes a narcissist but not one word of what i had allegedly done has ever hit my ears. I was devastated being honest. Its cruel, cold and unkind.

I don’t make a habit of it and I’ve never ghosted before but I did recently to a work friend (now left the company) of a few months who was just so full on. After the play dates it would be endless messages whether I replied or not. I’d just spent hours with her and it was way too much for me. Every other tactic failed miserably and she was very manipulative. Kept telling me that her toddler dc is so upset and disappointed we haven’t seen them in a while and he’s so sad, it’s been too long. At this point we’d only met up three times! Said child regularly hits and kicks mine. Obviously it happens, they’re 3 but her response to the outbursts are vile and embarrassing. Said she’d smack him in the face if he ever hit her, in front of my dc, who looked absolutely horrified at what she said. So I’ve just ignored her messages. If I tell her exactly why, she’ll be firing off all sorts because she’s a hot head so not worth the aggravation.
Not saying this is why people are ghosted but sometimes there’s a really good reason!

Just to add I rarely bumped into her at work. I wouldn’t have classed her as a friend and would never ever ghost a friend of mine.

She was just awful and I didn’t know her well enough through work to know she was like that!!

YADNBU OP. I've recently been ghosted too with no prior warning at all. Just 2 days beforehand I was 'the most amazing and hottest person he'd ever met' his last message, 2.5 weeks ago, was 'speak in a bit'. Then complete radio silence, we too had plans booked, some of which ended up costing me financially which has annoyed me.

The lack of explanation has destroyed me emotionally and my feeling of self-worth has vanished. It's so hard to move on when you're constantly wondering if today is the day you get a message. Chin up, and take each day as it comes.

I ghosted someone whose behaviour has been so poor that I won't engage with her any further. I won't do that to myself just to appear a bit more reasonable. People who behave in ways to deliberately hurt others (and for money! in this case) do not deserve another second of anyone's time and they certainly don't deserve an explanation.

Bear in mind that ghosting someone is occasionally for the benefit of the ghost's own mental health.

I think it is shitty to leave another person hanging, for instance romantically if they are expecting to hear back. If a first date doesn't work out mutually then there is no need to message.

However I don't always think it is done out of cruelty or callousness and there are instances where you can only explain yourself so many times.

The only time I have 'ghosted' friends is when either a) somebody new is far too full on and intrusive and doesn't respond to hints or efforts to reduce contact, or b) an older friend has ignored attempts to discuss why their behaviour has been upsetting to me.

I have a pattern of inadvertently befriending people who 'take' a lot emotionally and dont 'give' at all in an attempt to help them (all to do with not feeling worthy of an equally supportive friendship etc etc).

Sometimes this gets far too much and they then react badly to any pushback on my part. They would probably feel I have disappeared on them eventually but none of them can say I didn't try.

Yes it is. And you know you are leaving that person feeling they are not worthy of an explanation. Even if you have no explanation an apology or a goodbye

I was ghosted and it has really knocked my confidence - I am happily seeing someone but expect them at anytime to do the same. Worse thing is the person who ghosted me knows exactly how it would impact me. I moved in from him long ago but from what he did it’s stayed with me

Of course to move on from certain situations it is necessary but just because you can’t be arsed or don’t want to is horribly selfish and cruel and I suspect many are aware the pain and confusion they are causing and get some form of enjoyment out of that