Ghosting someone is shitty

[Alkaloise]

Just that, really.

If you don't want any contact with a person for whatever reason, have the guts to say so. It is far kinder than making the other person wonder what on Earth has happened, have them worry about you/ their last interactions with you.

Ghosting is a coward's way out.

It can be brutal can't it. I had a super close friend for several years- weekly coffee or lunch, a few boozy nights, daily whatsap chats and facebook banter. I was really supportive through a messy break up- like lots of late night chats and hundreds of messages.

Then a new partner appeared and literally a few weeks later, my friend blocked me on every social media group. Without any conversation. Broke my heart.

I've been ghosted by friends once or twice over the years. It's very painful. But I've also ghosted someone I had a very, very, very long friendship with. We were practically sisters. There is no way I would have told her all the things that had built up over all those years that led me to do it. It would have just been too hurtful and destructive to her to tell her those things. So on the other hand, I understand why someone would choose to "ghost" a friend.

Totally depends. There have been times in my life where I think, with the benefit of age and decrepitude experience, that I should have just adhered to the principle of ‘silence is golden’. But instead I pressed the nuclear button.

Very much moving towards a view of ghosting as a potentially more benign option.

It’s a truly awful way to behave. Anyone who hasn’t been abusive deserves to hear that they are being let go of. Its very bad manners and disrespectful not to.

I was ghosted by a boyfriend after a year long relationship. We lived in different countries, he was in the UK and I was in Ireland but we saw each other almost every weekend. We’d been on holidays together, met each other’s friends etc etc and then all of a sudden he disappeared. Just stopped replying to messages, emails, not answering his phone or returning calls etc. it was years ago, before Facebook and WhatsApp had really taken off so people weren’t as contactable or as ‘trackable’ as they are now- eg I had no way of checking if he’d been online etc and it was so out of character that I genuinely wondered if he had dropped dead. I eventually found out through a mutual acquaintance that he was alive and well. I genuinely have no idea why he ghosted me but I do believe it was a cowardly and despicable act. Had he told me he’d lost interest, met someone else or whatever I’d have coped, but the ghosting left me utterly bewildered, hurt and lacking in confidence.

Honestly I'll say it , I was a dick. I ghosted people when my marriage ended.

I dont really offer any justification but I suppose I can see it in a different light several years on now.

One I feel awful about, she didn't deserve it at all and I was a total dick. I had to move as a result of the marriage ending and I honestly couldn't cope with her , it wasnt her it was entirely me. I lost my phone at the time as exdh cut it off and it all got complicated i simply never contacted her with my new contact details. From her mind I just disappeared. I will forever feel guilty and it was a horrible thing to do. I was so selfish and focused on putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the marriage breakup without traumatizing the DC I didn't give her another thought. I realise that makes me an ass but its honest.

The others if I'm honest I take responsibility for not handling it the right way and I should have been a grown up and told them. Saying that they were also people looking back who really weren't decent people. When my marriage started to crumble they were openly embarrassed about being associated with me as if being divorced was a shameful thing , one even asked me if her renovation of her new house and her decision that I was jealous over it had caused the marriage to end. Ultimately I should still have handled it better but I cant find it in me to be too upset about that particular group.

I dont think there really is ever a justification it's a crap thing to do to someone but sometimes people are crap.

I ghosted someone once. He was obsessively into me, wanting to be with me all the time, asking me to marry him even though we didn’t have a sexual relationship. I knew if I told him it was over he wouldn’t accept it - he’d sob and beg and wail and cling to me. So I was just “busy” for several weeks.

He started phoning repeatedly and wailing “Baby just tell me where you are! I’ll come and get you! We can be together!” Nope nope nope. I’m ashamed to say I asked my mum to answer the door when he came to collect his stuff.

With hindsight I should have been decent enough to grit my teeth and tell him face to face it was over. But my mind was made up and I just really didn’t want to deal with his begging and clinging.

Imo this is often the situation in which people ghost: when they’ve made their mind up and don’t want to handle someone begging them to change it.

@Alkaloise

Umm yeah, saying 'you are boring and annoying, and I am sick of your face and your monotonous voice,' or 'you are a toxic, soul-draining leech, and I no longer want you in my life!' is sooooooooooooooooo much easier, than just giving someone a wide berth and avoiding them.

What a ridiculous, naive, unrealistic suggestion to just tell someone how you feel, and that you don't like them anymore. LOL no-one does this!

I have ghosted people before - ex boyfriends AND friends. And I have had it done to me too (2 or 3 times...) Shit happens. You just gotta deal with it and move on.

@Nowayorhighway

I ghosted a ‘friend’ who was constantly bitter and negative, she totally drained the life out of me. I withdrew from contact slowly rather than suddenly ghosting but I never offered a dramatic explanation as to why. I didn’t have the energy for it anymore in truth, she was exhausting.

This is exactly that I have done, just withdrawn gradually, not returned texts or answerphone messages, and then gone full 'ghost.' I am not a narcissist or a cruel and nasty person, I just don't see why I should keep negative and toxic and very irritating, soul-draining people in my life. Life's too short to keep annoying cunts (who drag you down) in it.

I am in my mid 50s now, and spent a LOT of years people-pleasing and putting up with shitty behaviour from toxic cunts. I don't do it anymore; and I haven't done for the last 15 years or so. If someone pisses me off/annoys me/irks me/does wrong by me, IN the bin they go. Ta-ta!

@messolini9

I've had to do this one recently ... & have agonised over it nonetheless. It's comforting to know I'm not alone! - the person was just too demanding, expecting 40-minute phone calls on a whim, leaving rambling 3-minute voicemails ... I ended up feeling manipulated by over-enthusiastic claims like "oh you are SUCH a good friend!" (we have met maybe a dozen times) & suffocated by the person's inability to talk about anything other than their own agenda.

Oh, & the gulit-tripping if I didn't immediately respond "please call me I'm WORRIED about you" - the fucking cheek. Even had a third party (flying monkey?) deliver that message, unasked for. Totally intrusive ...

I had a friend who was EXACTLY the same as this -- I met her in 2012, and although she seemed OK for a short spell (maybe 3-4 months,) she got irksome VERY quickly. I was 'friends' with her for about a year and a half, then decided I had had enough when she took the piss one last time. Then it took me about YEAR to shake the fucker off!

She was nosey, intrusive, bitchy, commenting on my house, DH's job, my kids (she had none but seemed to know soooo much about raising them!) and my weight! She moaned about her job every time I saw her, and had fallen out with half the people she knew... her partner's sister, her brother and his wife, her manager at work, both next door neighbours, and at LEAST 3 doctor's receptionists. But it was never her!!!

She would text me wanting to pop round in 10 minutes, and when I didn't answer, she would turn up at my house saying 'I was SOOOO worried about you! Are you OK?!' Then stay for 2 fucking hours. She even sat herself down on my couch when I was helping DD pack for a trip to Italy with her friend. She wasn't invited and yet just turned up and sat down and said 'I'll put the kettle on.'

DD said 'mom, get her out, I am trying to pack here for my holiday, and I have a lot to do and am really stressed and HER being here is NOT helping!' So I actually told her she has to go as we are very busy. She looked so annoyed and within a DAY, I had a mutual friend ringing me asking me what the other 'friend' had done to upset me!

I took great pleasure in ghosting said 'toxic friend' tbh. I got fucked off with having to explain myself. I thought 'I'm a middle aged woman with kids at uni. I don't have to tolerate this shit.

The mutual fried was collateral damage unfortunately, and I stopped contacting her too, as she kept contacting me ONLY to mention said 'ghosted' ex friend! No loss, and I hope they enjoy each other's company!

Upshot is, if you have been ghosted, there is more than likely a good reason why. And yeah in most cases, it IS you. I have been ghosted several times (many years ago,) and was hurt at the time, but when I look/think back, I can see WHY I was ghosted.

Upshot is, if you have been ghosted, there is more than likely a good reason why. And yeah in most cases, it IS you. I have been ghosted several times (many years ago,) and was hurt at the time, but when I look/think back, I can see WHY I was ghosted.

How on earth can you claim to know this about others' situations? What a nasty thing to say.

I can concur Littlechicken, I've been ghosted a few times and when I look back I have to admit that I probably did deserve it it 🙄🙈
oh the shame😳

Oops crossposted with Eckhart, perhaps Littlechicken was talking about her own situation rather than attempting to generalize to everyone? amirite?

What a ridiculous, naive, unrealistic suggestion to just tell someone how you feel, and that you don't like them anymore
This is exactly it. Let’s say I faced the guy I ghosted. He’d have pushed for reasons why I was ending it. I couldn’t exactly say “You’re short and fat and have knock knees, and you’re boring and have no prospects”. Equally I couldn’t say “I think I can do better than you”. Maybe I could have vaguely said “I’m just not in love with you” but then he’d have pressured me to work on it and give him another chance. Or most likely just wailed “Whyyy?! I adore you!!” and then the begging and clinging would have started.

In contrast, I ended it face to face with every other boyfriend because they accepted my decision and were relatively mature about it.

I've done it three times in my life. Twice on online dating, when I had been speaking to people a few days/less than a week. The reason is I didnt feel we had much if anything in common. The first was because he was very close friends with an acquaintance of mine. The aquaintance didnt like me I always felt, had a totally wrong view of who I was (think very evangelical, any drinking/"sinning"/ not conforming was Frowned Upon). As they were in his words like brothers, I felt that said we wouldnt have been compatible. Probably should have sent him a message but it wasnt the end of the world after less than 48 hours of messaging. The second was one I'd tried to distance myself from for a few days, never met but he was so needy and refused to take the hint. Again never met and spoken to him for less than a week.

Third was someone I knew in real life. Know of him for a while, not close, and His behaviour in everything was very inappropriate, needy and one sided. Again I tried to distance myself from the beginning, occasionally meeting up ect once in a blue moon, but it all came to a head a few years ago when I was going through a lot, in terms of DH had cancer, my DGM was dying and my DGF was chronically ill.

We met up for him to sign my passport as I needed to fly out to see DGF in an international country. Despite knowing everything I was going through, he didnt ask after me once. It was all about him, his business deals, funny stories about his life, his family, friends,cats and everything. He also insisted on going to a coffee shop. I had DS who was 1.5 at the time, and despite asking to go somewhere more child friendly, I was brushed off and ignored. He then got all snotty when I explained mine and DH upcoming nuptials was going to be a very small affair for close friends and family only. And I mean really snotty.

At the time I couldnt cope with that, and despite feeling we had never been close, I came home and blocked him on everything. Looking back, it wouldnt have been difficult to see why, however I think he wasnt capable of seeing that. I'm not proud of it, but he was the sort of person who wpuldnt have understood had I explained and would have be one even more clingy the more I tried to pull away, as proved by his behaviour in the entire time I knew him.

But in the case of anyone such as a close/reasonably good friend, or a boyfriend/partner or family member, and they just vanish, then yes I agree it is shitty and no excuse for it

I ghosted a supposedly close friend. I have wondered if it was the right thing to do but I had been uneasy about their behaviour for a long time. I saw them fucking over other people and had reasons to suspect they'd tried to do the same to me. I blocked them in a fit of pique over some other shitty behaviour and possibly didn't intend it to be forever, but the relief in no longer having that person in my life was immense. I didn't want or need the drama of telling them why I wanted the relationship to end and I have no regrets.

@Aureum

This is exactly it. Let’s say I faced the guy I ghosted. He’d have pushed for reasons why I was ending it. I couldn’t exactly say “You’re short and fat and have knock knees, and you’re boring and have no prospects”. Equally I couldn’t say “I think I can do better than you”. Maybe I could have vaguely said “I’m just not in love with you” but then he’d have pressured me to work on it and give him another chance. Or most likely just wailed “Whyyy?! I adore you!!” and then the begging and clinging would have started.

LOL, this did make me laugh!

As you say, ghosting people is often the ONLY option. The ones who can't see it is, or who are getting offended by it, are the very type we tend to 'ghost' ...

@Awyeah

I ghosted a supposedly close friend. I have wondered if it was the right thing to do but I had been uneasy about their behaviour for a long time. I saw them fucking over other people and had reasons to suspect they'd tried to do the same to me. I blocked them in a fit of pique over some other shitty behaviour and possibly didn't intend it to be forever, but the relief in no longer having that person in my life was immense. I didn't want or need the drama of telling them why I wanted the relationship to end and I have no regrets.

Good for you. No point in keeping toxic, needy people in your life.

Life's too short!!!

Suddenly stopping interactions can be a sign of mental health problems. It's sometimes a symptom or an indication that all is not well rather than rudely ignoring somebody.
Obviously that may not be the case here, I am just throwing it out there!

As you say, ghosting people is often the ONLY option
I’ve been ghosted twice myself, both times by men I was deeply in love with. No doubt they felt that I was unlikely to accept being told it was over, and would sob and whine and beg them to reveal hurtful details about their reasons for ending it. I also think they felt guilty about ending it and didn’t want to face me.

It’s much easier to break up with someone when there’s a general agreement that the relationship isn’t going well and you both accept what needs to happen. But when the other person is totally in love with you and happy but you just want rid of them - it’s hard to do that to someone.

There is no need to be unpleasant, though, and there is a difference between bluntness and honesty. Saying something along the lines of contact not working anymore etc, rather than the quite nasty thoughts revealed here.

And again, we're talking about situations where there has not been any abuse.

Problem with saying "this doesn't work for me" for contact through is it gives scope for the ghostee to argue and pick fault with the reasons. No is a complete sentence on MN unless you're having to give reasons to someone why you don't want to be friends anymore. The people who are being dropped won't take no for an answer, which is why the get blocked, constantly push for a reason, want to know why, can't pick up on the subtleties that reflect their behaviour. I would imagine in most cases that it's not perfectly healthy caring friendship that has suddenly ceased and I can see why someone might be blindsided by it.

I never see this as a black and white thing...sometimes relationships just don't work out. Sometimes it ends abruptly, sometimes it fades out. It's never entirely on one person, there are always elements of both people in it.

Isn’t there a saying that friends are for “a reason, a season or a lifetime”? Surely that’s somewhat applicable, and doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve been ghosted?

For example, I’ve had friends fifteen years ago when I worked in retail who I was close with, went out with every weekend, etc. I never see them or speak to them now, because we all moved along with our lives, and would likely have nothing in common now, other than that we all used to work in the same store when we were young. One day, we all went out to the pub for the last time, and that was that.

When I’ve had a particular hobby for a little while, I’ve been friends with people there, but not kept in contact afterwards. I don’t see this as ghosting, surely that’s just how life works? You can’t go around collecting friends forever, and have the time to be able to hang on to all of them.

I’ve ghosted two people in my life. The first was a university friend, who was extremely and openly homophobic towards two of our female friends from uni who started a relationship together. Used her religion as an excuse. I just stopped answering her messages and never met up with her again. I didn’t really felt like she deserved my time or explanation there, as she was so vile.

The second was a very close friend, but who became absolutely toxic and quite abusive towards me. She was genuinely quite aggressive. So she did her usual apology spiel, saying that we should go out and get drinks together again, yaaay! I just smiled and said yes, because it really was the SAFEST thing to do, and never spoke to her ever again. She was awful, but wouldn’t change, so what would be the point in me putting myself in harm’s way (again) by formally dumping her?

I genuinely feel that had my ex friend just said 'I just do not want us to be friends anymore' then I would have accepted it but she didnt have the decency to do it. I have told people before that I just do not want them in my life and while harsh i do think that it saved them going mad in the head wondering why. My ghostee i am sure cleanses herself by saying she would have to have repeatedly had to explain herself which is not true. Thing is I will never know and I have been told a lot of thigns about this woman since then so I feel I did escape a poisoned person. Still hurt like crazy at the time.

Relationships change over time and it's rarely one sided. I am part of a group from school but only really consider myself friends with one of them who I am in regular contact with and see alone a few times a year. One has never bothered to make the effort with me (and vice versa) so that's fine. Another is friendly via social media but we only ever see as part of group meet ups. A fourth I used to meet once or twice a year (always in a group), we went on holiday (as a group) but as time went on we didn't message as much outside the group scenario. I distanced myself from her after an incident where her mother behaved badly to the group and she enabled this. I can't talk to her about it because it's her Mum. The rest of the group seem to have let it go but it changed my view of her. The friend I keep in contact with is always trying to engineer group meet ups. I usually decline. It's awkward and I could be accused of ghosting but it's a better option than explaining why and upsetting her more.

Relationships change over time and it's rarely one sided
But when it is one sided, that’s when ghosting is more likely. When A is still besotted with B but B wants out, B is more likely to ghost because A obviously won’t take it well.