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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ghosting someone is shitty

103 replies

Alkaloise · 19/02/2020 08:04

Just that, really.

If you don't want any contact with a person for whatever reason, have the guts to say so. It is far kinder than making the other person wonder what on Earth has happened, have them worry about you/ their last interactions with you.

Ghosting is a coward's way out.

OP posts:
madamedesevigne · 19/02/2020 20:33

I was ghosted by a former work friend once but didn’t realise it until I met her and her husband in the supermarket by chance. She looked really awkward and embarrassed but I was just chatting away, completely oblivious. It wasn’t till I got home that I thought, oh hang on, she’s actually been ghosting me, hasn’t she? I feel like I dealt with it really well, completely by accident!

99problemsandthecatis1 · 19/02/2020 20:38

I've ghosted somebody once. They tell people they've no idea why. Apparently their tiny little brain is too dumb to make the connection between them planning a night away in a hotel with my husband and me refusing to talk them.

I don't care if it's 'mean' sometimes it's necessary.

DieDeutschLehrerin · 19/02/2020 20:44

I'm glad I read this thread. I have felt so awful since It happened to me with a really close friend from university. She was actually a bridesmaid at our wedding. No explanation, nothing. Just stopped responding. It hurt me very badly and for a year or more I would wake frequently in the night and lie awake wondering what I did wrong. I asked for the chance to put right whatever it was that I had done wrong but it didn't happen that way. I have come to terms with it now as things have happened in my life that have been a real watershed but I miss her enormously, although we could never pick up again. Whatever I did, I don't think it warranted the way she treated me. It's a cruel way to treat people who have not mistreated you. I would rather be honest, however painful, than put someone through it.

messolini9 · 19/02/2020 20:47

@Feelingabitashamed - no, there isn't a work or existing social context so unless we bump into each other locally, the only way we'd meet up again is by planning it by phone. And I don't want to recieve that call & either feel obliged to socialise, or make an excuse, or come flat out with it & say I don't want to meet .... arrrgh!

We used to live in the same town & would meet casually for tea or a beer. It was nice - I think the neutrality of location helped - but now we have each moved out of town, there have been a couple of meet-ups at each other's houses, & I just don't enjoy the dynamic. It all feels on this acquaintance's agenda, too intense, & as if I'm being lined up as 'Next Best Friend'. Also too many anecdotes about friends this person has recently fallen out with. Feel like trouble & drama to me. So that, along with the not so subtle guilt trip about "where are you I am worried about you" just feel like "you owe me your time & attention, & I want this relationship to be on my terms & I'm not going to pick up any cues from you."

Honestly, it's so much easier advising someone else on this nonsense innit?! But, despite being usually quite forthright & a reasonably tactful communicator face to face, I feel paralysingly British & constrained about it.

Pyjamaface · 19/02/2020 20:55

I've ghosted a friend and a part of me hopes she is hurt and confused. That's how she made me feel at one of the worst times of my life. I doubt she is tho, she's probably all over the #bekind bandwagon.
She does not deserve an explanation from me

ConstanceSalinger · 19/02/2020 21:26

Funnily enough, there's no one on here saying, yes I ghosted someone but it was because I was a dickhead. Or someone saying I got ghosted because I deserved it.

Everyone is the innocent party in each example Grin (including me) - I guess someone has to be at fault here.

mumofBeth · 19/02/2020 21:49

I was ghosted by a friend of over 10 years. We had had a disagreement but had had a good chat and appeared to have sorted things out then she stopped replying to messages so I guess she hadn't been honest about feeling like thi gs had been sorted. I'm now glad that she ghosted me, I can look back and see how toxic the friendship was. I hear bits about her life now from mutual friends and we have gone down such different paths, I thi k that the friendship was right for the time we both enjoyed it but it was probably time for us to go our separate ways.

Feelingabitashamed · 19/02/2020 21:58

Constance I am willing to admit I got it wrong a couple of times OLD and thought something had fizzled mutually but the other person felt they'd been dropped

Eckhart · 19/02/2020 22:30

@ConstanceSalinger I'm generally ok with admitting my own errors/apologising for screwing up, and my friend who ghosted me knew this. Ghosting is a fault in itself because it's selfish. If she'd told me what the problem was and that she didn't want to be friends that would be OK (hurty, but ok)
Ghosters know it's not nice but can justify it to themselves.

UYScuti · 19/02/2020 23:02

My guess is that in almost all cases the ghoster will feel completely justified even if those justifications do not stand up to scrutiny from others, as said often the ghosted one is actually a gaslighter in this dynamic refusing to accept or acknowledge the grievances of the ghoster.
Some people seem able to just switch off their loyalties and completely lose interest in someone ...they just wander off and forget about you 😥😖

messolini9 · 19/02/2020 23:13

Funnily enough, there's no one on here saying, yes I ghosted someone but it was because I was a dickhead.
I'm on here wondering if I'm a dickhead. Does that count?

UYScuti · 19/02/2020 23:21

There are times when the other person very likely thought I was being a dickhead but I did it for my own protection, I had to find the safest route out of the dynamic

ConstanceSalinger · 20/02/2020 06:35

I'll admit that I just didn't want to have the conversation with my ghostee about why I didn't want anything to do with her anymore.

I know that she would have turned it back on me and made all the problems appear to be mine not hers, and in a moment of clarity I realised that it would never sink in. Yet she would describe herself as open to criticism and change.

After being meithered and made to feel shit for years I just felt like I didn't owe her anything, either in time or explanations.

ExohExohGossipgirl · 20/02/2020 07:01

Its still the cowards way out. The ghoster will always find justification for what they did. I literally went to pieces and pretty much begged my ghoster to tell me what went wrong and i was ridiculed for it. Hurt my kids too as she stripped them of friends.

ConstanceSalinger · 20/02/2020 07:32

It was obviously very hurtful for you and others on here GossipGirl and in no way do I want to minimise that.

I wasn't a coward here, just realistic that there was no point explaining. Why should I make myself feel worse to make someone else feel better? Especially someone else who has behaved badly in a variety of situations rather than one big fuck up.

I don't have to justify it to anyone.

Iusedtobeapartygirl · 20/02/2020 07:51

I had a lovely group of friends. We would meet regularly for lunch, for coffee, for walks, have meals at each other's houses etc.

Then I realized I hadn't seen them for a while. I realized that one of them in particular kept canceling when I had arranged an event or a meet up. I realized that I only ever saw another 2 of them during the week, ie when they had no better offers.

I withdrew for a while to see what would happen. I stopped messaging or texting and sure enough I didn't hear from them.

Then one morning there were photos all over Facebook of a fantastic fancy dress party. All of my friends were present, I and my DH hadn't been invited.

I deleted them all from my social media. Then they started to notice and I got a load of incredibly patronizing messages saying that I was obviously hurting right now and they were here for me, and how sad they were.

Utter rubbish. They had ghosted me but didn't like it when I did the same in return.

Bunch of bitches. It's over 2 years later and I don't miss them at all. In fact deleting and blocking them made me feel happier and lighter. I had obviously been stressed about the friendships for a while.

catpyjamas · 20/02/2020 08:15

I was 'friends' with a woman once. We would regularly meet up for a catch up. I messaged her one day, no response. Messaged again a few days later, no response. Phoned to see if she was ok, no answer, no response. Mentioned to another friend that I couldn't get ahold of X and was getting worried and hoped she was ok. And the mutual friend said she was fine, but didn't want to speak to me again. Confused Mutual friend would never tell me why and said she 'didn't want to get in the middle of it'. I never saw or heard from X again. This was nearly 10 years ago and to this day I still have no idea what happened.

Surfer25 · 20/02/2020 08:20

I think ghosting leaves the door open though and maybe people want that.

If someone who ghosted me resurfaced I'd treat with caution and see what they had to say.

If someone told me they didn't want to talk anymore that's is there no coming back from it.

There can be any number of reasons people ghost .any of which may have nothing to do with you.

PegasusReturns · 20/02/2020 08:40

@Eckhart you reminded me of a very similar event must have been twenty years ago. Woman I was reasonably friendly with at work just stopped talking to me one day.

Also did ridiculous things like let doors slam in my face and managed to rope one of her side kicks into also ignoring me. Never got to the bottom of it. Other people at work suggested she was jealous, as it coincided with my engagement but I think she was just a weirdo in all honesty.

Original poster
Alkaloise · 20/02/2020 08:44

There can be any number of reasons people ghost .any of which may have nothing to do with you.

It's hard not to take it personally when direct questions remain unanswered and a friend suddenly vanishes. Leaves quite a hole, that.

OP posts:
Surfer25 · 20/02/2020 09:00

@Alkaloise absolutely. In those circumstances it is very hard

pinboard · 20/02/2020 11:34

I've been ghosted by a female friend twice.
First time, a friend made via us both going through IVF.
It 'worked' for me, but not for her. Twice. Once she knew i was pg a 2nd time she never spoke to me again. Absolutely fair enough. She'd no need to explain. I missed her but had no wish to cause her pain.
2nd time a bit different.
Someone who I met as she sang at my wedding. We became close friends and she was Godmother to my son and was really close to him. One day, I just never heard from her again. My son really missed her. Maybe I pissed her off somehow but she never bothered to explain and never replied to my ds' handdrawn card (sent around that time). I lost a lot of respect for her. over that. She was his Godmother.

Lillyhatesjaz · 20/02/2020 12:35

I had someone ghost me once several years ago.
We both belonged to a social club and got on well together becoming good friends over a few months. One day she confided some things to me which didn't show her in a good light.
I never saw her again. I had not judged her I still liked her but I think she was just too embarrassed to face me, or the others who I had not told any of her personal business again.

calmama · 20/02/2020 13:58

Can’t talk on ghosting in romantic relationships but I’ve been ghosted by friends and it was like a kick in the guts. Most of my friends disappeared when my late partner was diagnosed with cancer. We were in our 20s so I guess it was too heavy for them. More recently one of my best long-term friend ghosted me. Others too. No idea why but it was a long and drawn-out process no one could work out. Then a few months back she tried to catch up pretending nothing had happened. Passed on that one. In retrospect she was one of those “friends” who had disappeared when my partner got sick. Then had reappeared again some years after he died, again acting like nothing had happened. She had always been very self-absorbed. I just hadn’t noticed.

Snugglepiggy · 20/02/2020 14:21

I haven't ghosted a friend,indeed I was the last to text saying let me know when you're free for a catch up.Then months of silence despite a big birthday and a few major life events.But I had got sick of her patronising and game playing.After years I finally twigged how manipulated I had been.She has what I've realised is victim mentality.Then out of the blue she sent a card.We must meet up.I sat on it for a while but as probably was her intention I was made to feel guilty.Guess what .Several dates suggested and she can't do them,so I have sent a final text saying when I am free .Her reply 'oh but you're so busy'I.Stuff it now.

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