Ghosting someone is shitty

[Alkaloise]

Just that, really.

If you don't want any contact with a person for whatever reason, have the guts to say so. It is far kinder than making the other person wonder what on Earth has happened, have them worry about you/ their last interactions with you.

Ghosting is a coward's way out.

Yanbu at all OP. It's really difficult and can be daunting and upsetting but if you've decided you want to cut contact with someone you have to tell them why. Be they friend, relative, spouse or tinder date. I firmly believe this.

I had a mum friend at infants, our dc were good friends and we seemed to click as well. We used to go for coffee after we'd dropped the children off, would sit chatting for hours. She was in an awkward situation regarding their accommodation and I think it helped her to be able to talk about it openly.

Then her DH was made to relocate with his job and they all moved away. She rang me to chat about how they were doing, all seemed fine. I was sad she was living further away but was happy to drive out to see them now and again. We still appeared to be on excellent terms, nobody was acting miffed about anything.

We never did go visit them. She stopped responding to my messages and didn't answer the phone when I rang. I sent her one last text to tell her that someone had handed in an item to school that could have been the one she had lost (we spent hours one morning searching the road verges for it, it had sentimental value). No reply.

I still don't know what I did wrong. I'd love to know how they are doing but I don't suppose I'll ever know. It does hurt that I didn't even merit a brief explanation. Just silence.

I was ghosted by my friend of 25 years. We’d historically have met up every 6 months or so without drama (she’d moved abroad after university). Mutual friends are perplexed and when asks she apparently just shrugs. It’s been devastating, frankly. And the view of mutual friends is not flattering to her, which is a relief. Any reason even ‘I don’t think we’ve anything in common any more’ would have hurt less.

I think it's fine with people you don't know - on tinder etc everyone seems to do it when the conversation dies. It is shitty to do that to someone in rl though - unless you've already tried explaining things and they're simply unable to 'hear' you. Or they're potentially dangerous.

It has happened to me as well. Done by a guy I really fancied. The ghost became a zombie but I never trusted him again. At least have the balls to write a short message to say you’re no longer interested in seeing me and make up some bullshit excuse so I can move on.

Sometimes it’s the only option left to you. I had a friend who was always right and would shout people down if they disagreed with her or didn’t have the same views - apparently because she was a teacher, she knew better then ‘uneducated’ people and felt that she needed to teach them how to have correct opinions.

She asked me why folk were ducking out of social plans and not returning calls. I tried telling her that I didn’t want to spend my time being lectured and was told ‘it’s not my fault you’re intimidated by someone who knows how the world works, you should try to deal with it’. She was ghosted pretty damn quick after that.

Nobody is obligated to deal with someone else’s bad attitude, and in my case I wasn’t willing to deal with the bs that came with the friendship.

@EnthusiasmIsDisturbed has a point: ghosting can also be something some enjoy as a form of hurting others. It can also be that the ghoster doesn’t care about the hurt that is caused by the ghosting or just tosses his or her toy aside only to try to hoover them back when it fits them.

The above reasons are all very narcistic.

I ghosted a ‘friend’ who was constantly bitter and negative, she totally drained the life out of me. I withdrew from contact slowly rather than suddenly ghosting but I never offered a dramatic explanation as to why. I didn’t have the energy for it anymore in truth, she was exhausting.

Agreed, it is hurtful. It's far better to at least say the friendship isn't working, and perhaps give a reason, so at least the other person knows where they stand.

I had this with one of my closest friends after the birth of one of my children. I never saw her after my baby was born, and she stopped answering phone calls. I messaged to ask what if anything was wrong, and she said there wasn't anything. Yet I still didn't hear from her or see her again. I wish she had given me a chance to rectify if I had made a wrongdoing, or at least said that she felt the friendship was over. As it was I had no idea.

I have definitely ghosted a couple of dates too, only first dates so nothing serious. They were just awful dates and I blocked their number on the way home . I’m not ashamed of that.

I half-ghosted a friend after my suspicions of her saying horrific things behind my back were confirmed. It was sad as she also had incredible beauty in her personality. I still grieve 3 years later because before this started she was a close friend.

It was half-ghosting as I was taking a few days to figure out how to handle it without losing the friendship.. then realised she hadn't contacted me & in fact had never contacted me - I'd always done the contacting & organising. Even when I begged for her to visit when I was struggling with PPD after DC1 was born I discovered she was at home but didn't bother to visit. It hurt me more deeply than I can express as I needed her support desperately.

To this day she's never contacted me. I ran into her & she told me to call her. I can't emotionally go back to carrying a friendship so said call me. She hasn't. So, joint ghosting!

I ghosted someone when ghosting wasn't a thing. However this close friend was very hard work & throughout our friendship I had had talks without her about what I struggled with in our relationship. I stopped wanting to spend time with her because it wasn't fun but I didn't want a row which pulled in other friends. Unsurprisingly she has fallen out with all but one friend from school.

I had pnd with my 2dc & was also exhausted (dreadful sleeper) so often spent my weekends in bed sleeping or catching up. I felt some friends took it really personally that I would not attend their bbq or whatever. I could barely function.

It depends. Sometimes someone does something that they must realise will be the end of a friendship or relationship without needing it to be spelt out to them.

The only time I have 'ghosted' friends is when either a) somebody new is far too full on and intrusive and doesn't respond to hints or efforts to reduce contact

I've had to do this one recently @Feelingabitashamed ... & have agonised over it nonetheless.
It's comforting to know I'm not alone! - the person was just too demanding, expecting 40-minute phone calls on a whim, leaving rambling 3-minute voicemails ... I ended up feeling manipulated by over-enthusiastic claims like "oh you are SUCH a good friend!" (we have met maybe a dozen times) & suffocated by the person's inability to talk about anything other than their own agenda.
Oh, & the gulit-tripping if I didn't immediately respond "please call me I'm WORRIED about you" - the fucking cheek. Even had a third party (flying monkey?) deliver that message, unasked for. Totally instrusive ...

Still feel like a prize git though.
If the person persists (they have form for seeming to get the hint, then ramping up a campaign of chasing), I am gonna have to spell it out as kindly as possible, & that IS going to be hard.
If you or PP's have any hints, I'll gratefully accept them!

Yanbu.
I don't get it at all. Online dating, getting on marvellously with someone, they're showering you with compliments, you're texting no more than they are; then, out of no where, poof, gone. Why?
I'd never do it to someone, I've always sent a reply saying 'it's not working for me' or whatever.
I'm also getting rather bored of 'sorry for radio silence for past few days, sick relative.' Yes, sure you have.
Just say you're not interested!!

I think there's definitely a difference as PP have posted, ghosting a new relationship (friend/romantic) within a few weeks or a long relationship, 1 year +. You really shouldn't get worked up over a new relationship, but I understand the hurt involved in an established one.

However in both cases, you neither owe or are owed an explanation. You cannot force a ghoster to explain or a ghostee to understand the whys of it.

I have ghosted a friend, when I realised she was aggressive, argumentative, always wanted more from me than she was prepared to give and never appreciated anything done as a favour, more that she expected it iyswim? I simply blocked her and never regretted it. Explaining to her why would never work, it would have just caused more guilt tripping.

I've drifted apart from friends - neither of us got in touch. Is that ghosting? Mutual ghosting?

I stopped making any effort for one friend. She moved about as far away as you can get in England. She'd ring me during the day when my pre-schoolers were with me and coming to me when I was on the phone. I could hear her quietly laughing on the phone while I was talking to them. I suggested many times that I'd ring her in the evening after they were in bed, but that didn't suit her, as her partner would be at home then.

So I guess I did ghost her. Couldn't stand the laughing. No regrets.

Messolini yeah I get it, it feels horrible to have to do. Will you need to see or speak to this person again (eg through work) or can you just block?

It happened to me a few years ago. Went from lots of contact, meet ups, play dates, dinner with partners to nothing. I tried to initiate a meet up but was told “maybe in a couple of weeks”. We did meet up but she brought another friend along too. I think I gave up after that and she moved away anyway.

Awkward accidental meet at the local pantomime a couple of years ago. DH spoke to her DH but I pretended not to notice them.

Really, really hurtful and reinforced my view that adult friendships are just such hard work.

One of my university friends did this to the rest of us, after 10 years of friendship. She has ongoing MH issues so I suspect that’s why, but we’ve all been supportive and have gone out of our way for her repeatedly. It’s very hurtful.

This comes up so often. I ghosted someone who treated me like shit. I didn't explain beforehand and wouldn't now. I have also been ghosted but have never found it particularly upsetting; I take the hint and go, their loss.

I don’t think it always is actually. I’ve done it in the past and don’t feel bad at all. Sometimes it’s necessary

I ghosted my ex. I left him in secret as he is abusive, and for the sake of my sanity I refused contact. He will never accept he was in the wrong, I could write a list as long as your arm and he will simply dismiss it.

So I feel ghosting is right in some circumstances.

I got ghosted by a really close friend I knew from work. We'd been on holiday together and everything, just us two. We used to talk about everything and had such brilliant laughs (and sometimes cries) together. Then she stopped speaking to me. Just stopped dead. We still work together. We're on different projects so we don't have to communicate, but we're in the same room together 2 days a week. At first it was horrible - she'd let the door shut in my face and other passive aggressive stuff. Now we just act like the other isn't there. And I think she's HORRIBLE. There's no excuse in situations like this.