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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum just ended contact with me! UPDATE

95 replies

Jan2508 · 18/02/2020 20:18

Hi all

I wanted to catch up with the wonderful, kind and caring people that post on my original thread (not sure how to link it sorry)

I have not spoken to my DM since I posted that she had told me she didn't want anything to do with me (but would say hello if she saw me in the street, how kind)

She has text me asking to see her GD and I have agreed to this but told her I will just be dropping her off, no more. She has tried messaging me asking what she will do with tickets we have for a concert in April!! I have told her that I am not thinking about it at the moment. She has made it clear she still wants to go with me after all she has done. If that doesn't shout narcissist I dont know what does. Anyway, with your advice and help I have been going through a process of healing ❤️
I have searched for knowledge about toxic parents,read a number of articles and spoken to my most trusted friends about my DM. I am realizing that it's not me, that I will never change her and that I should not have to feel guilty for her actions. I realize that I do not like her and that I needed to set strong boundaries long ago.
I feel better having no contact with her. I do not know whether I will have contact with her in the future. I am not rushing this process. What I do know is that if I have contact, it will be low and on my terms.
So, thanks to everyone that helped me. I will continue my self help. For years I have put up with her behaviour but it took this last big argument for me to come to my senses and it feels good.

Cheers to you 😘

OP posts:
Bymeanstogo · 18/02/2020 21:01

I didn’t participate in your thread Op but I’m glad you’ve seen the light (if your going to be happier)

Mainly bumping for you

Butterymuffin · 18/02/2020 21:04

That's good progress. How old is your DD?

Original poster
Jan2508 · 18/02/2020 21:08

She is 8 going in 18 🤣. I really just wanted people to know that you can survive a narcissist Mother and feel ok about it. The comments I got here helped me so much and it was a turning point for me. It really helps to talk ❤️

OP posts:
itstrue · 18/02/2020 21:10

I'd be careful allowing access to DD. My mother would use my child to get back at me. Things like feeding her huge amounts of sweets so her behaviour on return would be terrible, or gift giving like ukuleles or Furbies (1 may have been accidental but 4?????). And it gave her an in to 'discuss' with me concerns she had with my child and her development - apparently I'm giving her ocd because she wiped a table down with a napkin. It really is never ending. My dd was small when she had access to her and I hate to think what could have been said to her about me!

Drum2018 · 18/02/2020 21:12

I don't understand why you are allowing her to see your dd. Why would you want her to have any influence over your child, especially unsupervised by you, when she doesn't want a relationship with you? Why allow her to be able to contact you when she doesn't want anything to do with you? She's still calling the shots. I'd have thought blocking her would be the best for your own sanity, so that she cannot play these games with you.

2020newme · 18/02/2020 21:15

yabu for allowing her contact with your DC.

My mother has NPD so I totally understand.

If I could give you just one piece of advice it would be to never allow your child near her. She will weaponise her.

As PP have said, block her on everything and move on with your life, free of her toxic drama.

Asiama · 18/02/2020 21:19

Hi OP, I followed your earlier thread and wanted to say well done on your progress! It is really hard, after many years I have managed to go very LC but even that doesn't feel enough to me, but the guilt and the hope of perhaps getting a normal mum keeps me hanging on!

I would echo previous posters and strongly urge you to reconsider contact with your child. She will use her to undermine you and drive a wedge between the two of you. When your child is old enough to have her own thoughts, she will most likely do the same to her as she has done to you. You have every right, and in actual fact, the responsibility to protect her from an abuser.

I thought I could do the same with my mother and even when my son was a few months old, she started trying to drive a wedge between us (telling him that I'm not treating him special enough, encouraging him to hit me, encouraging him to do exactly the opposite of what I wanted him to do etc). It does not get better. In fact it gets worse.

JillAmanda · 18/02/2020 21:20

Why aren’t you affording your DD the same consideration you afford yourself? In other words - you’ve stopped inflicting your mother on yourself; so don’t inflict her on your DD.

SecretNutellaFix · 18/02/2020 21:21

Considering her behaviour with you, are you actually happy to allow your child in to a situation where your mother is in a position to paint you in a bad light, constantly without you being there to run interference?

When your child returns home and says she doesn't have to do what you tell her because granny says so? The damage will already be done at that point.

No contact with you means no contact at all. If she still has contact with your DD then she has a means and an excuse to contact you whenever she wants and on her terms.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/02/2020 21:25

Why are you allowing her to see your DD?

I'm not trying to sound goady. Just trying to understand your thought processes. I'd be concerned about what your mother might say to her.

Springsnake · 18/02/2020 21:26

Weird your allowing her unsupervised access to your dd,if she’s as bad as you say.....

partofthepeanutgallery · 18/02/2020 21:29

I would tell her that upon further thought, no, she cannot see your child unsupervised. And since she's gone NC with you, that won't be happening.

Fairenuff · 18/02/2020 21:30

I haven't read your first thread but no way would I expose my dd to a narc mother.

jakscrakers · 18/02/2020 21:42

I cut ties with my biological when I was pregnant with my second child I was 32 at the time and she told me as I already had one child that was all I should concentrate on, and if not she would get that baby cut out of my stomach. That was my last contact I had known for years she was a manipulative evil woman/functioning alcoholic but I put up with it, my bad. she was wonderful to my eldest child could not do enough, but enough was enough and for 21 years I did not speak to her, she died a while ago I felt no pain, no relief no nothing she no longer had any impact on my life and never saw or spoke to my youngest.

do yourself and your child a favour and close the door completely, it will be refreshing never having to guess what vile acts she will use on your daughter if you allow her access.

Original poster
Jan2508 · 18/02/2020 21:46

This has given me food for thought. I guess the reason is that I have never seen her treat my DD the way she treats me. I have never had any cause to believe that she has been narcissist with my DD.
The other reason is a feeling that she doesn't see her enough to be a problem. My DD really wants to see her and, at the moment, I see no reason to suddenly stop this contact. She has never shown any toxic tendancies with her.
I am at the beginning of a very long journey. I have only just come to terms with what my DM is and how she treats me. I have had almost 40 years of being indoctrinated and I have to take small steps to help myself. Having NC and my DM having NC with my DD right now is too much for me to deal with. I will consider that after I have tried low contact that fails as that will be my only option.

I am just not ready yet.

OP posts:
LynnSchmob · 18/02/2020 21:49

It sounds very difficult but put yourself (and your lovely DD first).

Herpesfreesince03 · 18/02/2020 21:49

She’s going to start on your dd now she hasn’t got you to control.

FFSFFSFFS · 18/02/2020 21:55

I wouldn't let her anywhere near your daughter!!! Of course she would be toxic with her - just in a different way.

Original poster
Jan2508 · 18/02/2020 21:57

You may well be right but I guess I have to see that to understand that my decision to stop her seeing my DD is right. I only know what feels right in my ❤️. She lost a GD 18 years ago through no fault of her own. Maybe this is why I can't face the decision?

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 18/02/2020 21:58

But you won't be there to hear what's said. Did you understand how manipulative your DM was when you were 8?

UYScuti · 18/02/2020 22:03

never allow your child near her. She will weaponise her
she will do this, she will dote on her and turn her against you, no way would I allow my child near a mother who had done this to me, the child is just a lever that she can pull to control and hurt you

VenusTiger · 18/02/2020 22:08

Sorry for your DD OP, but I wouldn't continue the "grand mother" relationship, especially if she has access to her without you there - what things do you think she might say to her about you! It's not worth it. If she was not your mother, you'd not allow your DD to continue seeing her - so, what's the difference?

DPotter · 18/02/2020 22:09

It must be very difficult for you coming to terms with this situation. However I can only agree with the other pp. Totally understand going NC for yourself but would strongly urge you to be NC for your DD and your mother as well. You will not be there to hear and see what is done to your DD so will have no way of countering any narcissistic behaviour.

Grandparents have no right to see their grandchildren, unless there is an existing relationship. I would think it would be very difficult legally to go non contact at a later stage if you allowed your DD to continue to see your mother without you there now.

I understand you are trying to please your DD, but at 8yrs old, she is old enough to be given age appropriate reasons for stopping contact. eg, 'yes it's very sad we don't see granny anymore, but she was very unkind to Mummy and I thought is best not to see her again'.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 18/02/2020 22:12

You have protected yourself but left your DD wide open.
My mother was a narcissistic evil cow. I cut her off after my DD arrived. They never had time alone.
The roles within families often get passed on across the generations. She needs a scapegoat, someone to abuse etc. With you missing who do you think will take that role?
Please consider limiting your DDs time if you can’t cut her off entirely. Limit it to public places, narcissists behav3 better with an audience.