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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum just ended contact with me! UPDATE

95 replies

Jan2508 · 18/02/2020 20:18

Hi all

I wanted to catch up with the wonderful, kind and caring people that post on my original thread (not sure how to link it sorry)

I have not spoken to my DM since I posted that she had told me she didn't want anything to do with me (but would say hello if she saw me in the street, how kind)

She has text me asking to see her GD and I have agreed to this but told her I will just be dropping her off, no more. She has tried messaging me asking what she will do with tickets we have for a concert in April!! I have told her that I am not thinking about it at the moment. She has made it clear she still wants to go with me after all she has done. If that doesn't shout narcissist I dont know what does. Anyway, with your advice and help I have been going through a process of healing ❤️
I have searched for knowledge about toxic parents,read a number of articles and spoken to my most trusted friends about my DM. I am realizing that it's not me, that I will never change her and that I should not have to feel guilty for her actions. I realize that I do not like her and that I needed to set strong boundaries long ago.
I feel better having no contact with her. I do not know whether I will have contact with her in the future. I am not rushing this process. What I do know is that if I have contact, it will be low and on my terms.
So, thanks to everyone that helped me. I will continue my self help. For years I have put up with her behaviour but it took this last big argument for me to come to my senses and it feels good.

Cheers to you 😘

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 19/02/2020 15:30

Op please realise she is going to weaponise your child. Do not underestimate the damage she can do with unsupervised access.

Pinkbonbon · 19/02/2020 15:30

If you decide to 100% remove her from gran then I I would go with sitting her down and having a chat. along the lines of: 'There are some bad people in this world and sometimes, they act like good people in order to trick us. I know you love granny, I loved her too. But here are some of the things she has done to me (list some of the things that you think appropriate). Now ask yourself, does that sound like someone who you want to be around? I know she is nice to you now...but she is not a good person. I'm telling you this because I think you are mature enough to know the truth. Sometimes in life, people turn out not to be who we think they are. Good people don't deliberately hurt people. Villains do'.

If, however there will still be contact between them I would hold off on that chat as the 8 year old will probably confront her gran and then be further manipulated. But maybe by the time she is 11 you should be able to just tell her straight what's what.

incognitomum · 19/02/2020 15:31

She'll do it when you aren't there. But crack on as it's easier for you.

FraglesRock · 19/02/2020 15:34

Response to dd
"Yes I miss gm too, but she was saying unkind things to me, looking back to when I was your age she wasn't always a great mum so I can't trust her with you at the moment, let's hope gm gets help to be kind soon"

JKScot4 · 19/02/2020 15:37

Typical flouncer Anyway, I don't want this sort of advice so I am signing off
Unless we all hand ring and agree it’s unkind, bullying etc
Protect yourself but throw your 8 yr old to the wolves, fabulous judgement and beyond naive, poor wee girl.

PepePig · 19/02/2020 15:37

Agree with @incognitomum, tbh. The reality is, if she is as bad as you make out, then you're being stupid. Or, of course, she's not actually that bad and you're being dramatic. So, what is it?

No sane mother would send their child into a lion's den and hope for the best. You're either incredibly deluded or wanting to throw a strop to get back at her, with no intention of really going NC.

Piffle11 · 19/02/2020 15:43

Well done for being strong … but I would strongly advise you to not let her see your DD, especially alone! As your DD gets older she will be put in the middle of you both, and your DM will be filling her head with 'her side', trying to get at you through DD. It's going to put your DD in an awful position and I have no doubt will cause you many issues in the future. If DM is toxic towards you, she will be toxic towards DD. Toxic people are toxic, full stop. They can't help it, especially narcissists - their way is the only way. Think about it.

user764329056 · 19/02/2020 15:46

You’ve only ever seen her being ok with your daughter because you’ve been around, if she’s given free rein to do/say as she wants with unsupervised access she could really affect your daughter negatively

Bluetrews25 · 19/02/2020 16:00

OP, I'm so very sorry that you feel bullied.
Please keep yourself and your DD safe.
People on here are speaking sometimes from experience and sometimes from the clarity of distance and being able to see the game more clearly as an onlooker.
We appreciate that after enduring a lifetime of emotional pressure from your DM this can alter how you see things.
You came on here to appreciate the good advice you received last time. We are still giving good advice, but the difference is that this time you don't want to hear it.
That is your choice.
I hope you can stay safe and whole. Flowers

FizzyIce · 19/02/2020 16:04

Hopefully there is not a thread by op somewhere down the line saying her daughter doesn’t want to speak to her anymore as Granny says mum is mean etc ..

AutumnCrow · 19/02/2020 16:09

@Jan2508 if you're still reading, it's possible to talk to your daughter in a way she'll understand. She'll already know from school that people have fallings out, that it's ok to have boundaries, and that sometimes people just need to take a 'time out'.

You could say, for example, that you want both of you to take 'time out' from grandma while you think about things, because grandma has been unkind to you for quite a long time - and you don't want to put up with it any more. And, in the meantime, you don't want to risk grandma saying unkind things to either of you.

Merrymumoftwo · 19/02/2020 16:10

I agree with others in regards to sitting your daughter down and explain kindness
“Grandma has not been very kind and so we are giving her space so she can decide whether she is able to change this. I tried to help her but could not so now we need to allow her to find the help she needs”
Something simple like that. You know your DD well enough to find the words. Maybe write a few options down and see which you prefer?

Longwhiskers14 · 19/02/2020 16:25

With respect, OP, no one is bullying you on here, you just don't want to hear what the overwhelming consensus of opinion is – that giving your DM unsupervised access to your DD after she's just cut you off is not in the child's best interests. Fine if you don't agree or don't want to change your plans, but don't say it's bullying. It's an insult to people who are or have been actually bullied.

StarySkyTonight · 19/02/2020 16:38

When I decided on NC with my mother, my DH and I discussed it and allowed my parents contact with my DC very sparingly. She still started in on them with her abuse, just as she had done with myself and my brother including a pretty serious safety incident on their part involving my DC (because my parents, especially my mother, do not actually care one single jot about them and only saw them as a means to get at me) when DH spoke to them about it my parents spat their dummy out and decided to have no contact with my DC.

They did try and resume contact a few times after that when they thought things had calmed down enough but they were fully and completely ignored via every single means of contact including the flying monkeys of which there were many.

My youngest was 5 and my eldest was 7 and we explained to them in an age appropriate way that my mother was not a kind woman to me and as she and my father had put them in danger (both mentally and physically) we have decided that it is not safe for you to be around them any more.

As my DC got older and asked about my parents, we explained again and went into more detail about the situation. All done with their ages in mind and yes they still ask about my parents (DC are now 10 and 12) but again DH and I just explain what we have already said and invited our DC to talk to us about how they feel about it and ask any questions when they feel the need.

I and DH like you thought we were doing the best thing for all concerned by still allowing contact, although sparingly, and we can both see now that it was absolutely the wrong decision.

You are at the beginning of the NC journey, there will be ups and downs, mistakes will be made but it is completely normal. If my experience is anything to go by you may go through the stages of grief while you mourn the mother you never had. It is not easy, almost 6 years on for me and I still have difficult days. Mothers day is a big one for me, I get to mourn the mother I never had and get to enjoy the relationship with my girls it's a double edged sword.

Another piece of advice I can give is to not care, I know it is fucking hard, but you have to learn not to care what others (your mothers family and friends) think. It took me a couple of years of being embarrassed about being NC (when I saw my mothers friends out and about) but now I don't give a flying crap and it is soooooo much easier.

Full NC have brought a calm rationality to my life and I have gone onwards and upwards once I was able to get her out of my life and head. My self esteem is no longer rock bottom, my self hatred has gone, my self doubt is much less and my mental health is the best it has ever been. Full NC being no contact at all, not even in response to her or her flying monkeys, not opening letters (I kept mine incase I needed to speak to police re harassment, luckily I've had no contact from her in over 2 years now).

If there are any questions I can answer for you please let me know.

Piffle11 · 19/02/2020 17:31

@StarySkyTonight great post.

ThePants999 · 19/02/2020 17:33

@Jan2508 - do you realise you posted this in AIBU, when you posted your original thread in Relationships? I tell you that (a) because you wanted to update the people who helped you originally, and they might not be reading here, and (b) because you're surprised to be getting judged, when that's the point of AIBU Wink

UYScuti · 19/02/2020 17:57

flouncing is rather a 'narc' thing to do..is it not?

JKScot4 · 19/02/2020 18:56

I did have a sneak at OPs previous post, her DM has her uses for babysitting, but I’m wondering how much is accurate as she says she’s prob a narc and now in denial 🙄
Very worrying if this wee girl is not as important as OP and her DMs needs/wants, seems to be a family trait.

garbagegirl · 19/02/2020 19:07

I dont know about other people but in my experience 8/9 is a massively important age for establishing connections and trust. There is no fucking WAY I would allow a manipulative relative unsupervised access to my child especially at this age. No way. Your job as a parent is to protect your child from abusers. Do not kid yourself that she won't treat your daughter as badly as she treated you - why would you allow her to be in that position?

AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2020 14:49

People disagreeing with your decision is not bullying. People telling you why allowing your mother to influence your child is not being mean or cruel.

I understand that you have made a very difficult decision for yourself. But you need to make an equally difficult decision for your DD.

Stop and think of the damage your mother has inflicted on you. And she actually enjoyed doing it. Why would you think she'd hesitate to use the thing that is most precious to you, your child, to inflict further damage?

As far as what you tell DD, someone already told you. You say "Someday" and then you distract her. If you maintain NC for her with your mother, she'll stop asking after awhile.

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