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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum just ended contact with me! UPDATE

95 replies

Jan2508 · 18/02/2020 20:18

Hi all

I wanted to catch up with the wonderful, kind and caring people that post on my original thread (not sure how to link it sorry)

I have not spoken to my DM since I posted that she had told me she didn't want anything to do with me (but would say hello if she saw me in the street, how kind)

She has text me asking to see her GD and I have agreed to this but told her I will just be dropping her off, no more. She has tried messaging me asking what she will do with tickets we have for a concert in April!! I have told her that I am not thinking about it at the moment. She has made it clear she still wants to go with me after all she has done. If that doesn't shout narcissist I dont know what does. Anyway, with your advice and help I have been going through a process of healing ❤️
I have searched for knowledge about toxic parents,read a number of articles and spoken to my most trusted friends about my DM. I am realizing that it's not me, that I will never change her and that I should not have to feel guilty for her actions. I realize that I do not like her and that I needed to set strong boundaries long ago.
I feel better having no contact with her. I do not know whether I will have contact with her in the future. I am not rushing this process. What I do know is that if I have contact, it will be low and on my terms.
So, thanks to everyone that helped me. I will continue my self help. For years I have put up with her behaviour but it took this last big argument for me to come to my senses and it feels good.

Cheers to you 😘

OP posts:

TimeMarchesOnNeverEnding · 18/02/2020 22:13

How tricky. You don't turn on and off being a narcissist though. She is one with you so she will be one with your daughter.

It's the small things that add up and it only takes one comment to sow a thought in your daughters head that you may not want there.

As hard has it feels on your daughter. It's much better for her in the long run. Maybe some one can advise how they explained it to their children about not seeing grandparents?

Sarah

Ragglesnaggle · 18/02/2020 22:35

YABU for letting her anywhere near your daughter.
Protect her so she doesn't go through what you did.

UYScuti · 18/02/2020 22:40

People with narcissistic traits do understand that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, she will 'love bomb' your daughter until your daughter is eating out of her hand and completely under her control, the child will then be manipulated into siding with your mother and against you
Manipulating your daughter will be very easy for her, children are very easy prey for predators

AnotherEmma · 18/02/2020 22:43

"She has text me asking to see her GD and I have agreed to this but told her I will just be dropping her off, no more."

WTF are you doing allowing your toxic mother unsupervised contact with your child?!

I get that you are still deep in the FOG but you need to pull yourself together and protect your child.

justasking111 · 18/02/2020 22:49

I finally went NC because of what my DM was trying to do to my DS, as soon as I clocked that it was easy. She spoilt so much of my life I was not about to let her spoil my childs. Children do forget.

incognitomum · 18/02/2020 22:53

Nope to dd seeing her.

CastleCrasher · 18/02/2020 23:02

If she really is a narcissist, then she's like that with everyone. The way it manifests will change, but the root behaviour doesn't. They tend to be pretty "good" with DC who are easier to manipulate, but the damaging behaviours and control will always be there. Honestly, I totally understand that you may not feel ready as yet, but your daughter currently isn't getting a choice and doesn't understand the stakes. If you're not ready to go NC, then you need to be present with your dd during visits to protect her.

Greenmarmalade · 18/02/2020 23:02

Well done, OP! Good decision.

I agree with PP. You need to protect your daughter now. Not when it feels easier. If it were physical violence, you’d act immediately: act with the same urgency.

Bipbopbee · 18/02/2020 23:03

The FOG finally cleared for me when I saw how my NPD mother was making my DD the scapegoat and my DS the golden child.

Just like she did with me and my brother. Awful vile woman.

NC was easy after that.

Please don’t allow your mother access to your DD

AcrossthePond55 · 18/02/2020 23:16

You'll never actually see what she's done until it's too late. Narcs are insidious. She will take perfectly innocent things you've done or said to DD and she will oh-so-gently twist them around until DD thinks you had some nefarious 'reason' for them or the 'true meaning' is the opposite of the truth. Then she'll tell DD (probably with some tears) "Oh dear, I shouldn't have said that. Please don't tell your mum I said that, she will be so angry with me!!". Double whammy, mum's a shit to DD and she is mean to poor Granny.

Narcs can't stand to have anyone love the person they've chosen to be their 'outcast'. That's you.

KellyHall · 18/02/2020 23:22

How many people saw her abusing you?

Maybe you won't see her abusing your child but that does not mean she won't do it.

Someone that toxic should not be trusted to be around your precious child that you should want to protect.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/02/2020 23:33

I'm so pleased that you are feeling better now you have had no contact with your mother!

However I'm just going to add to the chorus of "keep your DD away from her too" because there are several ways she can hurt you through her.

She could be a bitch to your DD too
She could undermine you to your DD
She could try to get your DD to like her more than you
She could start using your DD as a "flying monkey" - your reading should have brought that term up so you'll know what I mean
She could actually treat your DD brilliantly but then use that to hurt you by telling your DD that she treats her better than you do so your DD would be better off with her than you

There is SO MUCH damage that could be done, and much of it wouldn't even be seen as damage until it's too late. You can try and reason with your DD - she's of an age - but you won't win against the poison of your mother, because she's had a fuckload more practice than you have of being like this.

I have a friend who has an abusive partner, she's in the throes of leaving him at the moment. She has 2 sons from a previous marriage - the younger one has also been abused by the current partner but the older one - wow. This hideous man has made the older son his partner in crime, his best buddy, and has turned the boy against his own mother, told him that she's a liar, she's an abuser, she makes shit up to get him into trouble, that she's a headcase - and the boy, who is 16, has fallen for it hook, line and sinker.
Is this the sort of thing you want for your DD? For her to believe that you're a shit daughter, that you're a too-strict mum, that her granny loves her more than you do, that you're mean to granny for no good reason? Because that's a very strong possibility.

Your mother losing a GD previously is very sad - I'm assuming you also lost a niece! - but your DD can not ever make up for that, and she shouldn't be offered up on the altar of guilt because of her cousin.

Please please reconsider this.

Frankfurtercasserole · 18/02/2020 23:41

Sorry OP but she can use your DD against you. Mine did. Please reconsider allowing the woman any platform in your lives.
Children can go through life without a toxic grandparent, believe me, mine have, no regrets. I went NC after she tried to get at me through DD.
Protect my own family? NC blackout was a no-brainer.

Amicompletelyinsane · 18/02/2020 23:44

Just beware with your child's contact. I was fatally low contact but did see my narcissistic mother occasionally. Suppose I thought the kids should have their own chance at a relationship. However, I began to overhear her talking to my children in the way she used to talk and treat me. Now I'm so low contact with her it's perfect. Do my kids miss out? No, and in years to come ill explain it to them. No need to keep family ties if it's only going to hurt you and your family

JKScot4 · 18/02/2020 23:49

I’m shocked that you will protect yourself by cutting contact but drop your DD off at her house!! That’s very wrong, she should not have unsupervised contact, it will be drip drip drip into your DDs ears, you are still allowing her control.

saraclara · 18/02/2020 23:49

My GM was a toxic mother* but a good grandmother. Even my mother (her daughter) said so. I spent a lot of time at her house, and she never said a word against my mum.

*obviously I didn't really know anything about her treatment of my mum until I was an adult

rainbowlou · 18/02/2020 23:49

I’m so glad you have seen your mum for what she is but I cannot understand why you would risk her behaving the same way to your child??
If she is anything like mine she will believe she has grandparent’s rights and throw it In your face every 5 minutes 🙄

UYScuti · 18/02/2020 23:53

I say that's unanimous!

bananafish · 18/02/2020 23:57

It's hard to see it all at once and you've done really well so far in going low contact. Keep working at it and think hard about letting your DD have unsupervised contact with her.

I know what my mother is like; I wouldn't trust her to look after a stuffed animal.

The thought of her near my children makes my blood run cold.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 19/02/2020 00:06

Don’t wait until damage has been done to act. Protect your DD now.

crustycrab · 19/02/2020 00:12

WTF? You're letting your child go with someone you describe as a "narcissist". Lots of MN "well done Ops" is shocking. Protect your child

user764329056 · 19/02/2020 00:14

I wouldn’t trust her with your daughter OP, you have no control or knowledge over what she will say or do when on her own with your daughter

crustycrab · 19/02/2020 00:15

Sorry, that was the wrong thread. Thankfully they all agree with me!!! Get a grip and look after your child if she's that bad

Pinkbonbon · 19/02/2020 00:17

My grandmother was a narcissist. She 'loved' my mum (the golden child) and made me the scapegoat. It's the reverse for you and your daughter. She will try everything to turn her against you.

My gran thrived on lying about me to my mother to try get me in trouble. And telling me I ruined my mother's life ect... she was a horrible woman who should never have been allowed near me.

They want to drive a wedge between mother and daughter. Yours will want your daughter to hate you.

Please do what my mother couldn't and protect your child.

Trust me, a narcissist is not someone that should be around kids. Even if they appear to be nice to them.

Pixxie7 · 19/02/2020 00:39

Having a Narcissistic mother myself I can understand why you would let your daughter see her. After all they can appear loving and caring when it suits.
However be wary as your daughter gets over and your toxic mother try’s to manipulate her.

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