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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum just ended contact with me! UPDATE

95 replies

Jan2508 · 18/02/2020 20:18

Hi all

I wanted to catch up with the wonderful, kind and caring people that post on my original thread (not sure how to link it sorry)

I have not spoken to my DM since I posted that she had told me she didn't want anything to do with me (but would say hello if she saw me in the street, how kind)

She has text me asking to see her GD and I have agreed to this but told her I will just be dropping her off, no more. She has tried messaging me asking what she will do with tickets we have for a concert in April!! I have told her that I am not thinking about it at the moment. She has made it clear she still wants to go with me after all she has done. If that doesn't shout narcissist I dont know what does. Anyway, with your advice and help I have been going through a process of healing ❤️
I have searched for knowledge about toxic parents,read a number of articles and spoken to my most trusted friends about my DM. I am realizing that it's not me, that I will never change her and that I should not have to feel guilty for her actions. I realize that I do not like her and that I needed to set strong boundaries long ago.
I feel better having no contact with her. I do not know whether I will have contact with her in the future. I am not rushing this process. What I do know is that if I have contact, it will be low and on my terms.
So, thanks to everyone that helped me. I will continue my self help. For years I have put up with her behaviour but it took this last big argument for me to come to my senses and it feels good.

Cheers to you 😘

OP posts:

SallyArmley · 19/02/2020 00:49

I think leaving an 8 year old on her own with a woman like that will not end happily, Please think again.

ChuckleBuckles · 19/02/2020 08:39

Having NC and my DM having NC with my DD right now is too much for me to deal with. I will consider that after I have tried low contact that fails as that will be my only option

If it is too much for you to deal with as an adult how is an eight year old child going to have the emotional and mental skill set to cope with your DM? Are you really going to use your small child as some kind of experiment and wait to see how damaged she will be before you act to protect her?

Drum2018 · 19/02/2020 12:52

You may well be right but I guess I have to see that to understand that my decision to stop her seeing my DD is right. I only know what feels right in my ❤️

It took you 40 years to see what she has been doing to you. Are you going to wait another 40 to see how she treats your dd? She's a narcissist - not just to you but to everyone. She will play nice until it suits her agenda and then she will start subtly abusing your dd too. Your dd is too young to understand and won't be able to relay any information to you. She won't necessarily pick up on your mothers tone when talking about you. Your mother may speak ill of you but in a jokey way so your dd, over time, begins to believe all your mother tells her and turns on you too. Do you want to have a strained relationship with your dd in 10 years time when your mother has got inside her head? You need to listen to all the people here who have told you that allowing your dd have a continuing relationship with you mother will not end well. Open your eyes and stop letting your narc mother to call the shots. Block her!

annamie · 19/02/2020 12:59

Yep my aunt used my sister and I to get back at my mum for years and also allowed her children to bully us in her presence.

We have only go NC when we are in our 30s. 30 years too late.

TorkTorkBam · 19/02/2020 13:02

You have not accepted that your mum is the problem, not you.

If you had, you would not let your daughter near the cowbag.

You are still the trap of thinking you somehow deserved it or brought it on yourself, that your mum is capable of being lovely and normal but something about you made her be awful.

Your daughter is lovely and normal.
Your mum is awful.
Your daughter being lovely and normal will not cause your mum to be lovely and normal.
Your mum will hurt you and your daughter because that is her personality.

Do not let your daughter have contact.

FilthyforFirth · 19/02/2020 13:09

NPD is a personality disorder. You dont grow out of it, or only show it to certain people. It is who you are and who you will always be. I would not be letting her anywhere near my child.

TheReef · 19/02/2020 13:26

I wouldn't let her have access to her gc. She's proved to you she's unable to maintain healthy relationships. Your dc will be no different. It's taken you years to understand and realise what she's done to you. Please don't let her get her claws into your child.

Bluetrews25 · 19/02/2020 13:35

You will let your DD see her GM until something goes wrong ie she hurts her?
That's like saying you will let her play with fire until she gets burned!
So you will let her get hurt / used / manipulated first and then stop contact?
Can you not see how wrong that is?

FizzyIce · 19/02/2020 13:38

I think it sounds dangerous to let this woman have unsupervised contact with your daughter .
She will try to turn her against you and fill her head with lies .
I’ve seen it happen .
Shut it down , this woman is manipulating you

Original poster

Jan2508 · 19/02/2020 13:53

Thanks for the comments. Please tell me what to say to an 8 year d that tells you she is missing her Grandma?

I didn't actually come on here for advice, but only to say thanks to the people that have given me advice on my original thread.
Whilst I am all for people giving opinions and listening to them to guide a decision, I will not be bullied by my DM or anyone else that feels that it is right to criticize my role as a parent by insinuating that I put her at risk.
I am all for people giving their story and words of wisdom but some comments on this thread are hurtful. Please think before you type.
Again, thank you to those that helped guide me on my original post but I don't need this type of critical, forceful "advice". Funny how I got reminded of my DM for a minute.

OP posts:

HairyString · 19/02/2020 13:53

You really need to rethink this OP. Toxic is toxic.

TheyDoDoThat · 19/02/2020 14:04

You cannot change her so why would you allow your dd around her. Op she’s still willing if you do because you know that your dd is better off without her. You are allowing her guilt to guilt trip you. She will be filling your dds head with all sorts.

Protect your child.

TorkTorkBam · 19/02/2020 14:14

Does an eight year old say she misses her grandma spontaneously?

I used to tell mine "Oh I'm sure we'll see her some time soon" if they asked.

Or if they really wanted to know I'd say things like "Grandma has done some very mean things to me over the years. She cannot be trusted to be kind to us so we won't be seeing much of her. It makes me feel sad but I can't change how she is."

Nanny0gg · 19/02/2020 14:20

There is an awful lot out there at present around Kindness because of the sad death of Caroline Flack.

Talk about kindness to your DD and how your mother hasn't been kind to you so it's best to keep some distance whilst she decides whether or not she is going to be nicer. And if not then you can't be around her.

JKScot4 · 19/02/2020 15:00

I think you saying I don’t need forceful advice, do you want pp just to pat you on the back?
You’re protecting yourself but leaving your child unsupervised with this woman, not the right choice, very naive.

incognitomum · 19/02/2020 15:07

You're the parent...so parent!

Original poster

Jan2508 · 19/02/2020 15:09

Wow thanks JKScot4. Your comment is just what I mean. I don't need anyone to "pat me on the back" I asked for advice if you read my original post but your comment and some others are not constructive or necessary. I am a person with feelings that is going through pain. Calling my decisions naive is not helpful. Be kind, constructive, thoughtful with the words you choose to type.

OP posts:

FizzyIce · 19/02/2020 15:10

Please don’t bandy around the term “bullying” you are not being bullied .
People are simply saying that it doesn’t make sense for you to let your young ,impressionable daughter have unsupervised visitation with a woman who has hurt you so much mentally that you no longer have contact.
It’s very odd but if that offends you then apologies .

PristineCondition · 19/02/2020 15:14

I've gone a year with my parents being nc.
My youngest son is now 9 but under him down and talked to him about how I was no longer seeing them due to them being very unkind to me, I told him how they made me feel and that until they could be trusted to be kinder he wouldn't be seeing them either.
I had to tell him a few times but he got there.

Whynosnowyet · 19/02/2020 15:14

Buy your dd something else to love, to shower her affections on. Hamster /fish /Furby.. I went nc with dm and took dc with me... Distractions are the key. I told them sometimes people aren't who we think they are and dgm wasn't a good person to have around them. Older dd was 8...
Bought 2 dkittens!!
Dkittens still going strong and dgm a distant memory...

Original poster

Jan2508 · 19/02/2020 15:14

Another useful comment " You're the parent...so parent." Wow bullying is alive and well.
I didn't come on here to be judged. Thanks for the useful comments Torktorkbam and Nanny0gg.

OP posts:

2020newme · 19/02/2020 15:15

Jan

I do understand you are going through a lot right now. Coming to terms with the fact that your mother, the person with primary responsibility for looking after you, is an abuser. It's awful. I still struggle when I have to tell people that my mother has never told me she loved me, even as a tiny child, and that she has caused, or rejoiced in any failures in my life, and been bitterly disappointed in my successes.

It is normal for victims of Narc Mothers to minimise the abuse, because it is just too awful to comprehend. I suspect this is what you are doing and so you are not understanding the strength of feeling coming back at you.

Would it help you to flip this and imagine it was a close male relative who had sexually abused you. You decide to go NC, but are telling people you are still allowing your DD to have contact because "They haven't abused them yet and really love them." Does that help you understand why people are being what you perceive as harsh on you?

JKScot4 · 19/02/2020 15:18

@Jan2508
No need for your OTT wow etc
I don’t need lectured about be kind 🙄
I’m 15 years NC with a violent narc mother and I’m being very blunt with you because I am astounded you would withdraw yourself but leave an 8 yr old with her, so yes you are naive.
Disagreeing with you isn’t being unkind or bullying and yes you do come across as in need of sympathy ‘i’m a person going through pain’ yet you’ll subject your child to it.

PepePig · 19/02/2020 15:21

I would never, ever send my child somewhere where I wouldn't go myself. You either cut contact for everyone or you go with her and protect her.

You do not send her on her own.

Original poster

Jan2508 · 19/02/2020 15:29

You all seem to be giving me advice from what you experienced. My DM is toxic, yes but she was never violent, not an alcoholic etc etc. Maybe not a narc?!! I don't know, do they wear a label so I know. She is a self centered women that want s her own way, that is lonely and that wants to control me. She has never displayed this with my daughter. She is difficult, rude, argumentative and just a down right pain. I am not sure that anyone has read my original post? Why are we comparing this to male relative sexually abusing me??? This is so far removed from context. !!!
You seem to be taking the issues you have had with your narc mum's and assuming this is situation. Anyway, I don't want this sort of advice so I am signing off.

OP posts:

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