Freaking out. How to cope. What to do. Help anyone?

[beakerbabe72]

Dear Anyone who could help? Thanks for your patience and time. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick with worry all the time and am just sticking my head in the sand day after day. I don't want to give too many outing details but if anyone can help I would be really grateful. As I need to move forward.

I have 2 DC under 5. Not married to DP. We are older >45. I have a professional job. My and DP are not getting on for four out of the five years we have been together. He is short tempered and shouty. Calls names etc. He has a history of DV ( he denies) he has previous kids failed relationships won't speak to him. We are barley speaking. We slept in separate bedrooms for 3 years. No physical relationship years now. I can't stand him at the moment. When he is nice he is good. But I can't forgive him for the grumpiness, the occasional shove of the children and not doing anything in the house. Also his previous plan to let me work while he lives off his assets and finds himself as a writer or new age guru. We don't have any shared assets. I pay all my childcare costs myself and half all bills. He does more food shopping.

We are wasting vast amount of money on expensive rent. My family lives other end of the country. DP wants to move out in 3 months. He wants to stay in kids life but I don't fully trust him. Although he is doing his best to be father of the year in terms of play at the moment. He thinks i should buy my own house and he can live in it part time and part time in his own flat so can be part of the kids life. Half the time I am not even talking to him because of the stuff he says to me.

My choices are 1. try to forgive him and move forward. 2. Completely cut ties with him go to soliciters etc. 2. keep current job well paid with some home working and buy a house near work. 3 move back to where family is other side of country but take massive pay cut and no working from home and less flexibility. Also worried this new job will be more stressful and I won't be able to cope being single mother and stress. Also I suffer from debilitating migraines every six weeks or so.

I just can't seem to move forward everything is swimming around and I feel like I am drawing in stress. I have no friends I can talk to. I don't want to burden my family as I previously got divorced due to verbal abuse before this relationship. I don't want everyone to think I am just a weak mess and can't cope.

Any help before I self combust.

It doesn’t matter what his friends or family say about him or how great they think he is. It’s you that has to live with him, not them.

You had me when you said you're paying for 'your' childcare fees. As others have said, you''re in a strong position. Find yourself a little rented flat, take the children and walk out the door - and after a few weeks, out of this toxic atmosphere, you will have a better grasp of what you want longterm. Don't allow him part-time use of your home; don't even allow him in the door! The twat will then have all the time in the world to find himself or fail at writing the psycho-twaddle bestseller of 2021. Which the lazy arse probably won't sit at a desk long enough to write.

Should have added, do not let him live with you. Don't even let him in your new home

Keep hold of your job, more money that the option near your parents and flexibility which is priceless. You will find confidence in yourself once you are on your own with your children and not constantly questioning yourself. Then you can look to see if you can use your skills to find a better job if you want to move away.

You have wanted to buy for 4 years. .. if you can afford it then do it. It will give you the sense if stability that you crave. If you find that down the road you want to move, you can rent it out. If you move to a place with lower housing costs, the rental income will cover the rent in your new location and you won't pay capital gains on it as long as you only own one property and are moving for work.

The stability of your job will help you through this next stage. Your employers obviously trust and value you given that they allow you to work from home. Take confidence in that and when you have regained your sense of self maybe you can leverage this job but for now... 'I am woman, hear me Roar'.

PS. I think the migraines will diminish when you are free to get in touch with your true self.

Option 2 without him living with you part time will give you breathing space & then you can reassess in 6months when you're in a better headspace. Shoving the children is a massive red flag. It will escalate. So will his shouting at you. As an ex teacher I had new children who moved mid term to the area a lot. The younger ones all settled well, so don't worry about that for now if you decide on going back home in the end. The only one who didn't settle was a 12yr old who'd left a huge friendship base linked to his weekly football hobby. His sister, in my class, was fine.

the occasional shove of the children

Leave.

Are they his kids OP?

it doesn't matter whether you need money or not; he should pay towards the costs of having children. Go to the CMS; collect copies of his pay slips, assets etc now.

You can rent for a while so you don't find yourself making a house purchase that you later regret because atm you are too stressed to think really clearly. If you want your dd to go to a school nearby then look around in that area. Remember that this won't be forever so you can rent a place that isn't perfect, in order to buy a place that is much more so.

Make notes of his behaviour towards you all but especially towards the children. Keep a diary for it; I think this is quite important.

You don't need him.