Freaking out. How to cope. What to do. Help anyone?

[beakerbabe72]

Dear Anyone who could help? Thanks for your patience and time. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick with worry all the time and am just sticking my head in the sand day after day. I don't want to give too many outing details but if anyone can help I would be really grateful. As I need to move forward.

I have 2 DC under 5. Not married to DP. We are older >45. I have a professional job. My and DP are not getting on for four out of the five years we have been together. He is short tempered and shouty. Calls names etc. He has a history of DV ( he denies) he has previous kids failed relationships won't speak to him. We are barley speaking. We slept in separate bedrooms for 3 years. No physical relationship years now. I can't stand him at the moment. When he is nice he is good. But I can't forgive him for the grumpiness, the occasional shove of the children and not doing anything in the house. Also his previous plan to let me work while he lives off his assets and finds himself as a writer or new age guru. We don't have any shared assets. I pay all my childcare costs myself and half all bills. He does more food shopping.

We are wasting vast amount of money on expensive rent. My family lives other end of the country. DP wants to move out in 3 months. He wants to stay in kids life but I don't fully trust him. Although he is doing his best to be father of the year in terms of play at the moment. He thinks i should buy my own house and he can live in it part time and part time in his own flat so can be part of the kids life. Half the time I am not even talking to him because of the stuff he says to me.

My choices are 1. try to forgive him and move forward. 2. Completely cut ties with him go to soliciters etc. 2. keep current job well paid with some home working and buy a house near work. 3 move back to where family is other side of country but take massive pay cut and no working from home and less flexibility. Also worried this new job will be more stressful and I won't be able to cope being single mother and stress. Also I suffer from debilitating migraines every six weeks or so.

I just can't seem to move forward everything is swimming around and I feel like I am drawing in stress. I have no friends I can talk to. I don't want to burden my family as I previously got divorced due to verbal abuse before this relationship. I don't want everyone to think I am just a weak mess and can't cope.

Any help before I self combust.

PS That "being aggressive one minute, all smiles the next" stuff is classic gaslighting. Don't be taken in by the nice bits -- they're a necessary part of throwing you off balance and making you doubt yourself.

Don't doubt yourself. You need rid of him.

1. try to forgive him and move forward. 2. Completely cut ties with him go to soliciters etc. 2. keep current job well paid with some home working and buy a house near work. 3 move back to where family is other side of country but take massive pay cut and no working from home and less flexibility.

1. you can not forgive someone who is still making choices that you can not live with. That is not forgiveness, that is 'putting up with'. And you shouldn't. You can't.
2. He is the dc father so completely cutting ties is not a realistic option

3.best choice - but not one for him to doss in part time - wtf 4.can't see the upside to this option at all

Leave him

I bet your migraines stop once you've got rid of him
Why on earth would you buy a house and let him live there part time?
I'd give yourself 6 months breathing space and rent somewhere without him - buying and selling is expensive
Use the time to think about what you want, what's best for your children and to look for a place to buy which is right for you - not him

No. 2.

Luckily you're not married so he can fend for himself.

@tara66

You suggested:

'But can visit them at yours possibly - he may have that ''right''

He does not have any rights over the OP's home if it's not one he either owns or pays rent for.

And hopefully that will soon be the situation. He's a feckless, lazy-arse bully who will possibly not even bother with the children if he has to make an effort to see them.

The fact he is proposing not even trying to support them tells you all you need to know about him.

From the way I understand things if he has no income he won't be required to pay maintenance. I'm not in the UK but in another thread someone said that assets aren't considered.

If this is so and he's going to live off his assets, just be sure that you set yourself and DC up to live on your income only.

I really think you need to split as soon as possible. Get out/get him out now and then once you're/he's gone you can take a few deep breaths and make a final decision as far as relocating to your family, staying local, or just moving a bit further away from him. It's hard to think clearly when you're living in the centre of a maelstrom.

I don’t need maintenance. Better that than me supporting him which I think is what he would prefer

OP, one thing you don't need to worry about is changing schools. We moved to the other end of the country during October half term last year and, while it took a couple of weeks, DS settled in brilliantly.

Are the children his OP? If not, then he won't have to pay maintenance. Maintenance isn't for you, it's for your children. Therefore get his financial details before they disappear.

Better that than me supporting him which I think is what he would prefer

OP you're not married, if the children aren't his, then a split is very easy. You aren't legally obliged to give him anything nor he you, in the event of a split.

They are his children otherwise this would not be so difficult

Is it really that difficult when he is physically assaulting them, his own little preschool children?

Get access to his financial details and get some advice if you're that worried. He's legally obliged to support his own children so, calculate how much he needs to pay and work out contact arrangements.

Gingerbread should be able to help you with any questions they have.

Firstly, please don't let him gaslight you and by your follow-up comments he sounds like a classic narcissist with disillusions of grandeur.
You've mentioned that he shoves the children around and his previous domestic violence history- therefore, you need to get a plan of action in place, before he has a chance to react. I would go to your local Citizens Advice, as they will be able to direct you to the right people and provide you with free legal advice, if necessary.
It may be a good idea to move in with your family for the interim and explain that you have legitimate reasons to fear for you and your children's safety. If you have a job set-up in place where your parents live (perhaps start looking for a job nearer to your parents) that would make the transition easier until everything calms down and you decide what you want to do for the long-term. Stay safe.

Option 2 is definitely your best bet in my opinion. Buy a house for you and the children near to your work and keep your well paid job. Do NOT let him live with you at all though, not even part time. He can go back to his own flat (did you say he had one?).

He is abusing you and the children. He does have a history of domestic violence no matter how he is trying to disguise it and blame it on his previous partners. His relationship history speaks for itself. Are there any children from those relationships? Does he have contact with them or is that not allowed? The answers to those questions should tell you much of what you need to know going forward.

Take a few weeks / months to properly plan your move and find the right property to buy, but do it. If you do need to get yourselves out sooner then take a short term let for just you and the children. Once you have decided on a property to buy it can easily take several months to go through anyway.

Dump him. You won't regret it, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if your migraines greatly reduce when you have.

I would move out to rent a place near your work. DO NOT LET HIM STAY AT YOUR HOUSE. Give yourself a year and time to breath, then decide long term goals

Sorry OP. Great that you've made your mind up. He is absolutely, positively gaslighting you.

You sound very ready and capable. I'm rooting for you.

Little steps, OP.
And, breathe.

Leave now, before he stops work. Last thing you need is for him to decide that he’s a stay at home parent & primary carer. He may try to keep the children while you pay him maintenance.

First of all he already has a conviction for DV. From your own experience it is more likely than not that he lied to you about how that came about.

The being nice in front of others and horrible to you is a trait of someone who has narcissistic tendencies. They want everyone to think they are a nice guy but as I'm sure you've found they are not the same person behind closed doors. Have you had the phone call when other people are listening when he was nice and happy towards you and then had him come home and ignore you or be horrible to you? Basically, the outside person is an act and the person you see is the real person.

Have you found yourself not telling people things he's done or said because you feel ashamed of anyone else knowing how he treats you? Basically, you become complicit in the deceit because you don't think anyone will believe it of him. Pushing and shoving doesn't seem bad in the scheme of things but pp's are right it is abuse and it is a control tactic. He is saying to you if you don't back off or behave how he wants it will get worse and he will blame you for that when it happens (and it will happen).

You haven't said when your existing tenancy is up but start making plans. If you can afford to buy a property yourself then apply for a mortgage in principle, that will tell you how much you can afford. Then start house hunting in the best area which is close enough to your DC's school and has the best commuting links for your work.

Aim to buy your house and be able to give notice on your current rental property ideally with an overlap of a week or so to enable you to move. It can take a while to get to this point when buying a house so the earlier you start the better. If he moves out in the meantime then that's a bonus but don't bank on it. It is likely that his abuse will ramp up when it becomes obvious that you are going to leave him so please bear that in mind. If you can do a lot of the initial planning without him being aware of what you plan to do then do it.

Being a sole parent is much easier than living with someone like this and I would bet your migraines improve without the daily stress.

Even if he did not have history of abuse, I would leave him tbh. You said you do not get along. You are barely speaking. You have slept in seperate rooms for three years. The relationship is dead as a dodo. You just need to admit it and move on.

Yes, to Is ok to move children between schools mid year or between years. You only don’t want to move during GCSEs and A levels, which are a decade away.

Don’t stress over buying versus renting. It is perfectly acceptable to not be a home owner. Many people choose to rent because it does have advantages in terms of ability to move at the drop of a hat. No maintenance costs. And often more house for your money. If you are under 40, start a Lifetime ISA. It is a great way to save for a home and retirement.

Of course, he will want to be in the kids lives and that is for you two to discuss and set up. But dont be tempted into him living with you. I think that would be a bad idea. He should get his own flat and you two discuss contact arrangements.

Just do one thing at a time. Firstly kick him out. Doesn't matter what other people think or what he says, he is abusing your kids. Pushing small children in a temper is not acceptable at all. Just repeat it as a mantra- He is an abuser. You need to do this for the children.
Once that is sorted and the dust has settled then you can think of what you'd like to do.

I'm curious about your family. Does that include family you love and get on with? Very elderly parents or fairly spry and up for babysitting DGC parents? Siblings? Old friends?

Above all I think you need emotional support and my concern is you taking any option that makes too many demands on you. I had to separate from my DH owing to his mental health problems when my children were 6 and 4. It was petrifying but I never regretted it because it meant whatever happened I was in charge and I was going forward. it was very hard work. I did have friends and I got myself into therapy. The latter was a total life saver for me. I had previously been very depressed.

I'm afraid it sounds as you do need to separate and that your DC's father may not be much use emotionally or financially going forward. While not ideal it's by no means the end of the world. I would ask myself where I would feel most supported. Is it at work in a familiar world with nice colleagues and a good career path? Or might it be geographically back with family?

If you are in doubt rent ON YOUR OWN for a short period while you make up your mind.

I moved to a place where friends lived a couple of years after my separation. The children managed fine.

I really hope there is someone you can confide in IRL to help you at this time and if there isn't, please do consider getting some therapy, for you, to help you know what's important and to support you.

He is abusing your children. If they tell anyone at school then social services will become involved, as they should be. It doesn't matter if it is occasionally, children will be waiting for the next time and already adjusting their behavior to please him. They will think this is normal and potentially grow up to repeat the cycle, either as abuser or abused. He already has a conviction for DV, he is an abuser.

My mother stayed with a man like this and I will never thank her for it. I am glad you have made your decision. I would go with option 2 as he could make it difficult for you to move across the country. Do not let him live with you.

He sounds a lot like my ex, I'm glad you've decided to leave.
He's gaslighting you, manipulating and bullying you. He does not need to lose his temper, he's just a manipulative bully. Please get out