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AIBU?

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Original poster

Freaking out. How to cope. What to do. Help anyone?

107 replies

beakerbabe72 · 18/02/2020 09:49

Dear Anyone who could help? Thanks for your patience and time. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick with worry all the time and am just sticking my head in the sand day after day. I don't want to give too many outing details but if anyone can help I would be really grateful. As I need to move forward.

I have 2 DC under 5. Not married to DP. We are older >45. I have a professional job. My and DP are not getting on for four out of the five years we have been together. He is short tempered and shouty. Calls names etc. He has a history of DV ( he denies) he has previous kids failed relationships won't speak to him. We are barley speaking. We slept in separate bedrooms for 3 years. No physical relationship years now. I can't stand him at the moment. When he is nice he is good. But I can't forgive him for the grumpiness, the occasional shove of the children and not doing anything in the house. Also his previous plan to let me work while he lives off his assets and finds himself as a writer or new age guru. We don't have any shared assets. I pay all my childcare costs myself and half all bills. He does more food shopping.

We are wasting vast amount of money on expensive rent. My family lives other end of the country. DP wants to move out in 3 months. He wants to stay in kids life but I don't fully trust him. Although he is doing his best to be father of the year in terms of play at the moment. He thinks i should buy my own house and he can live in it part time and part time in his own flat so can be part of the kids life. Half the time I am not even talking to him because of the stuff he says to me.

My choices are 1. try to forgive him and move forward. 2. Completely cut ties with him go to soliciters etc. 2. keep current job well paid with some home working and buy a house near work. 3 move back to where family is other side of country but take massive pay cut and no working from home and less flexibility. Also worried this new job will be more stressful and I won't be able to cope being single mother and stress. Also I suffer from debilitating migraines every six weeks or so.

I just can't seem to move forward everything is swimming around and I feel like I am drawing in stress. I have no friends I can talk to. I don't want to burden my family as I previously got divorced due to verbal abuse before this relationship. I don't want everyone to think I am just a weak mess and can't cope.

Any help before I self combust.

OP posts:
HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 18/02/2020 12:01

I felt like this for five years before I left my husband. I have never felt this way since

Justaboy · 18/02/2020 12:06

the occasional shove of the children

And these are under 5 years old?

Just fucking run from this barstard! as soon as you possibly can!

gingersausage · 18/02/2020 12:07

I’ve re-read your posts several times and I honestly don’t understand what you are so tied up in knots about.

You apparently earn enough whilst working 2-3 days a week to buy a house near work, so you wouldn’t have many childcare issues. You live with a twat who you don’t like very much and who is abusive to your children and has a conviction for domestic violence. And yet...your main focus seems to be “throwing money away on rent”.

I think you need to get your priorities straight and remove your children from the toxic environment they are in now. Just get sorted and go.

dreamingbohemian · 18/02/2020 12:07

He is abusing your children!

This should not be a hard decision. You need to get away from him. Stop fixating on renting, this is a problem you can deal with later.

Give notice on your flat, find a place to rent near work, and give yourself some breathing space without him to decide your next move.

Your job sounds really ideal so personally I would keep that until the children are older.

MummySharn · 18/02/2020 12:08

He is abusing your children please leave

MrsAgassi · 18/02/2020 12:09

Option 2 but never allow him to stay with you. It is his job to provide somewhere he can have contact with his children, not yours. Personally, given the violence I would be insisting it take lace in a contact centre.

If your child is due to start school in September, could you look to move into a short term rental near work now within a view to buying in a similar location in the near future? That way your child will hopefully be able to start at the school that they will continue to go to. I’m sure they will be fine if they do have to move schools but it’s one less thing for you to worry about.

12345kbm · 18/02/2020 12:11

OP you've landed yourself an abuser. He has a conviction for DV and he's blaming everyone else but himself. Of course he doesn't admit to being an abuser. Of course he's going to blame psycho exes and 'harpies'.

He's blaming your children for causing him to push them about. A grown man pushing around young children.

He's calling you names and abusing your children. You need to get away before he further damages your children.

Be careful that he doesn't escalate the abuse as you're most vulnerable when leaving.

It's good that he's offered to leave, that's good news. Take him up on the offer.

Original poster
beakerbabe72 · 18/02/2020 12:17

I know I need to leave. I have decided that now. I know it seems obvious when you write it down that he has called me names and pushed me and kids a few times. Its very confusing when you are in such a toxic position. With the person being nice a lot of the time. Very affectionate with children in between. Only a few incidents in-between. With them saying its no big deal, that you are crazy, overreacting, trying to construct a story against them, that you need help etc. When friends of his seem to have his back and he's making out like Im really difficult and horrid to him. Im just saying its very difficult situation to deal with your mind gets messed up. Of course the children are the ones that matter and that is my number one concern over everything.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 18/02/2020 12:24

Look forward to him leaving, believe me it will feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I wish I had left years before I did, I left when my dc’s were 11 and 9. The first few months were not easy (felt like I had lost my best friend because I had no one else, he made sure I had no friends) but it got easier and me and the dc feel so much more relaxed. My ex didn’t fight for custody of the kids, he had never really shown much interest in them, he sees them for a few hours at the weekend and they don’t have a great relationship. Going it alone was the best thing I ever did, I just wish I had done it sooner.

People like him will always blame someone else for their behaviour, for the abuse.

Do not be afraid to call the police if he gets abusive with you, they take DV very seriously and the fact he already has a DV conviction won’t look good.

Just sit tight and wait for him to leave. He has made the choice to go so I can’t see that he will cause trouble as he is in control of the choice, people like him like to feel they are in control of the situation, if the tables turned and you were asking him to leave then things could get a bit nasty.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/02/2020 12:24

What everyone else is saying...
Plus, pay no attention to what his friends think. They don't know what's going on behind closed doors, do they? They only know what he's told them.
No one in their right mind thinks it's ok to push small children and their mother (btw you are minimising this).

tara66 · 18/02/2020 12:26

Going to solicitor is expensive. Best if you can have amicable arrangement where there is no solicitor -as you don't seem to have property to divide anyway and are not married? He will presumably need to pay child support - so will have to work and earn money. As he has record (documented?) of DV - he can't have children to stay with him? But can visit them at yours possibly - he may have that ''right''. I know a couple who have divorced without solicitor by amicable arrangement and property and child maintenance all arranged. I think there are ''legal consultants'' who do that for low fees - it's worked out to comply with law. They need to know how much you both earn to decide on amount of maintenance payments.

PrimeraVez · 18/02/2020 12:26

I'm honestly not trying to make you feel bad but how is it 'confusing' when he shoves your young children. What's next? A pinch? A slap? A punch?

Imagine your kids start telling other people or someone else notices what's going on. And then it comes out that you knew and didn't act.

Please protect your children. This really should be an absolute no brainer.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/02/2020 12:28

If he's talking about quitting work then either leave or get him out before he does.

Once he has no income he's not going to make it easy to get him out nor for you to take the children and leave.

Sorry if I've missed it, but whose name is on the current lease ?

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2020 12:29

@tara66
How the hell can it be 'amicable' with an abuser?

billy1966 · 18/02/2020 12:29

You are a victim of DV.
Your children are victims.

Option 2.
Move as close to work and the school that your children will go to.

Perhaps think of an au pair to support you in childcare.

Do not allow him near your new home.

He sounds so awful.

Your dd will possibly tell teachers daddy isn't nice, so it may come out.

Get ahead of it.

He's a bully and a gas lighter.

You can do this.
Give yourself and your children a chance.

👍Flowers

12345kbm · 18/02/2020 12:36

That's because he's emotionally and psychologically abusing you as well OP. That's what abusers do. You say it's raining and they tell you there's no rain and it's the hottest day on record when you can clearly see rain. It's called gaslighting. He undermines you and puts on an act for others, he contradicts you, tells you you're imagining things when you can clearly see what's going on.

That's part of abuse OP. Not just calling you names and shoving you and the children. You're also minimising saying he's shoved them a few times. Once is enough. Children rely on their parents to protect them as they have no one else. You need to start organising leaving him, get things underway.

Join the Freedom Programme once you're settled so you don't fall for this all over again with someone else. You seem to be moving from one abuser to another. Do what you can to get away then worry about longer term plans then. In the short term you need to get your children out of an abusive household.

DonKeyshot · 18/02/2020 12:38

You're not married to him but you're putting up with a shit relationship with this toxic tosser? Shock

Make arrangements to rent near your place of work asap - by which I mean NOW - and do everything in your power to safeguard your dc from his abusive behaviour.

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 18/02/2020 12:59

He thinks i should buy my own house and he can live in it part time and part time in his own flat so can be part of the kids life.

He doesn't need to live in your house half the time in order to see his children. Dont let him manipulate you into thinking otherwise.

My choices are 1. try to forgive him and move forward.

That doesn't sound feasible, you hate his guts.

2. Completely cut ties with him go to soliciters etc.

What do you mean completely cut ties? Do you mean sever all contact including between him and the children?

2. keep current job well paid with some home working and buy a house near work.

If you can afford to do this it sounds like the best choice.

3 move back to where family is other side of country but take massive pay cut and no working from home and less flexibility. Also worried this new job will be more stressful and I won't be able to cope being single mother and stress

Although being nearer family will be nice, there are too many unknowns and it sounds like the prospect of it worries you already. If you can afford to buy where you are now and keep your current good job then I think you should.

Also I suffer from debilitating migraines every six weeks or so.

I'm not surprised! Perhaps ridding yourself of this man might cure them.

When he says he wants to live off his assets. what are his assets? Have you had a conversation about how he plans to provide for the children?

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 18/02/2020 13:00

OK sorry just realised it's the children he's shoving, not you!

yabadabadontdoit · 18/02/2020 13:02

If you do option b and stay local do you feel strong enough to keep him out of your life? If not I would move far away, preferably towards your family support ( sounds like your mother has him sussed) but it doesn’t have to be where they are, just nearer them. Good luck and well done for getting to this point, keep going

tara66 · 18/02/2020 13:04

Nanny0gg -word ''amicable'' - as used in ''amicable divorce'' is a legal term for arrangement that does not include disputes incurring possibly huge legal costs to either of the parties where solicitors are involved in the separation.

Original poster
beakerbabe72 · 18/02/2020 13:13

He will have a few hundred k from his business property sale. I have my own saving assets. We don’t have shared assets

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/02/2020 13:17

Great! You can tell him to fuck off and leave you alone - forever!

You may find it difficult to get any / much maintenance out of him if he is self employed / not working though! Would that make things more dificult for you to buy and set yourself up alone?

Thinkingabout1t · 18/02/2020 13:20

OP, please make time to sit down, have a quiet cup of tea, read all these responses, jot down a list of points you find most useful. It sounds as if it's all whirling around in your head at the moment, adding to your stress.

You need to be free of this man, that's for sure. And definitely seek legal advice, because he sounds like a CF who will do his best to rip you and his children off.

But make your plans first, be ready so you can make your move when the time is right for you and the children. Not at his whim.

12345kbm · 18/02/2020 13:21

You're not married OP, therefore you'll get nothing in the event of a separation. Your children should get maintenance though so you need to get your hands on his financial documents (income including State Pension) before it all disappears and he leaves the children with nothing because he's not working.

You can work out Child Maintenace here.