Freaking out. How to cope. What to do. Help anyone?

[beakerbabe72]

Dear Anyone who could help? Thanks for your patience and time. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick with worry all the time and am just sticking my head in the sand day after day. I don't want to give too many outing details but if anyone can help I would be really grateful. As I need to move forward.

I have 2 DC under 5. Not married to DP. We are older >45. I have a professional job. My and DP are not getting on for four out of the five years we have been together. He is short tempered and shouty. Calls names etc. He has a history of DV ( he denies) he has previous kids failed relationships won't speak to him. We are barley speaking. We slept in separate bedrooms for 3 years. No physical relationship years now. I can't stand him at the moment. When he is nice he is good. But I can't forgive him for the grumpiness, the occasional shove of the children and not doing anything in the house. Also his previous plan to let me work while he lives off his assets and finds himself as a writer or new age guru. We don't have any shared assets. I pay all my childcare costs myself and half all bills. He does more food shopping.

We are wasting vast amount of money on expensive rent. My family lives other end of the country. DP wants to move out in 3 months. He wants to stay in kids life but I don't fully trust him. Although he is doing his best to be father of the year in terms of play at the moment. He thinks i should buy my own house and he can live in it part time and part time in his own flat so can be part of the kids life. Half the time I am not even talking to him because of the stuff he says to me.

My choices are 1. try to forgive him and move forward. 2. Completely cut ties with him go to soliciters etc. 2. keep current job well paid with some home working and buy a house near work. 3 move back to where family is other side of country but take massive pay cut and no working from home and less flexibility. Also worried this new job will be more stressful and I won't be able to cope being single mother and stress. Also I suffer from debilitating migraines every six weeks or so.

I just can't seem to move forward everything is swimming around and I feel like I am drawing in stress. I have no friends I can talk to. I don't want to burden my family as I previously got divorced due to verbal abuse before this relationship. I don't want everyone to think I am just a weak mess and can't cope.

Any help before I self combust.

Get legal advice and get yourself and your little DCs out of there.

Go back to your family if you can.

Delighted to hear he want to move out. Find a place of your own for your and the children, and let him do what he wants. Don't share your home with him at all, ever.

He pushes your young children

Do whatever the fuck you have to do to get them away from him. You are their mother. You need to protect them. I'm sorry but it actually makes me very angry that you are wobbling about over this.

Even if you don't feel strong enough to put yourself first (because you don't deserve to be treated like that either), do it for them.

Please don't let a sense of embarrassment stop you from talking to your family and seeking their support.

Get yourself and your children away from him. Live where you want to live in a house that you can afford and don't let him spend even five minutes in your new home.

As other PPs said, in the short term, move out and rent somewhere close to work, and don't have anything more to do with him.

BUT, in the long term, the world is your oyster really - why is the choice of where to live either where you currently are, or the other side of the country where your family is? Why not look at anywhere in the country (or the world!). Is there a city, eg. an hour or 2 away from your family, where you could also get a well-paid job? I live 1 hr 15 mins away from my family, and find it's a perfect distance - I can go for the day, but it's too far away for them to pop round.

He sounds exactly like my ex-P, and I wouldn't wish my life with him on anybody. If you can, I would strongly advise you to leave and if he has a history of DV - on record - that's all you need to know.

My Ex was utterly charming to everybody apart from me. It took me a long time to unpack it all as I couldn't work out why he was so awful to me after I had our child but was so charming to everybody else.

You sound like you are in an 'analysis paralysis' mode, as you are thinking through your options and are smart enough to understand all of the ramifications for each of them, but are over-thinking it all. I do this too and I've learned that sometimes we just need to make a decision and go with it.

If I could go back 20 years and not have wasted them with an abuser, I would in a heartbeat. I didn't have the quality of advice that's now available online - you have the advantage of having that.

If I were you I'd go with option 2.

In terms of why this has happened to you a second time - there will be a reason that you allow these abusive men into your life, as others have suggested, try the Freedom Program or if possible get some therapy.

Don't stay with this man--in any way.
He wants to live with you part-time??? This might be workable if he wasn't such an abusive, moody twat but do you really want to spend the coming years on eggshells.
My advice to you would be to buy your own place and end things with him. And do it whilst the kids are young because it is so much harder on them when they are older.

My DP denies that he is abusive. He thinks I am causing trouble.

Well he would say that, wouldn't he.

Please get him away from you and the children. The push-pull dynamic with the children is really unhealthy, and will set terrible precedents for them.

But I can't forgive him for the grumpiness, the occasional shove of the children and not doing anything in the house.

For this reason you should leave. Is he your children's father - I think not judging by your OP?

You mention him pushing/ shoving your children a lot and please, please realise that this is not normal behaviour. How on Earth is pushing a child going to teach them discipline? It’s purely for his benefit in some cruel way. Your children are so little, they could be really hurt. That alone is enough for you to make a clear decision to leave.

No-one needs to lose their temper to keep order and 'discipline' (a word I loathe) dc. Teachers do it every day and if they felt the need to shove their pupils they'd be drummed out of the profession.

Imo dc should be allowed to 'run riot' on occasion, by which I mean noisy play and thundering around the house. Many dc have a natural exuberance which shouldn't be oppressed as it's part of their life-spark. As long as they're not doing any damage to themselves or others, I see no harm in allowing them to run loose now and again as long as they're reined in before tiredness sets in and tantrums begin.

As the peace and love genes have passed him by, I very much doubt that your hopefully stbxh has it in him to be a 'new age guru' and I also doubt he has the creative impetus to make it in the oversubscribed world of writing. However, that's by the by as once you've moved on as you should do you'll be as disinterested as I am in his ambitions.

Go for option 2 and rent near your place of work for a year as you go through the divorce process, at the end of which time Brexit may have caused house prices to fall and you'll be better placed to know whether you would be best off moving to be near your family.

2.keep current job well paid with some home working and buy a house near work

I'm not seeing a downside to this option?

I think 2 is the best plan after you've taken legal advice to get rid of him.

Your partner has obviously decided that actual hitting will result in more DV convictions so he's taking to pushing you and the children. That's still DV.

As everyone says, action to get rid of him, for you to live alone near/not near your family is the ideal here, although I know it's easy for me to say. Definitely don't stay with someone who is laying hands on you and the children.

Option 2 seems clearly the best.

Don't let him live with you part time though! Or is that to avoid him having sole charge of the children overnight? That is understandable if he pushes them around and shouts at them!

Stop thinking about what he wants

Start planning what you want

If you want to live closer to work - look at properties - find one and move

He can stay in his flat.

Then start kids at school

Then think about your next move

I’m sure you’ve posted before about his situation

Start extracting yourself and the kids.

Tell your HV / GP about the anger, pushing the kids, his line about you forcing him to lose his temper with them.

You're not married so start hiding your money, put it all somewhere he can't get his bone idel hand on it. Separate any mixed finances, all that sensible stuff.

Work out whther you are strong enough to keep your job and make a new home near it or whether you can take the career hit and move closer to family.

But start talking to professionals who can help, family will work through it with you, don't let a misplaced sense of shame keep them out of your life.

You are not married and you are not happy.
He does little with the children, so you have everything to gain by leaving and little to lose.

You are not wasting money renting, it is a means to an end. You are getting tied up in knots about this.

2 is the best option. Find somewhere new to rent give notice on the old flat. Move without him.

When completed start looking to move jobs to be near your family and look for a house to buy there. Or look for a house to buy near work if that is the preferred area.

Make a plan & one step at a time.

I think you should rent your own place in the same area and keep the job you have. You should do this ASAP and not "in 3 months" when he decides he wants to move out.
He is not to live with you part time - what the hell is that about?
He sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Once you have settled into the rented property and become accustomed to being a single parent you can then make longer term decisions. You might want to stay where you are with the job you have and if you're renting this means you can spend time looking for the right property to buy and not panic buy out of a need to get away from him.
If you decide you want to move to be near your family then this is something you can do and renting gives you more time to look for a job near them.

Your DP is absolutely awful and he should have been out the door the first time he shoved your children.
Get yourself to a solicitor to see where you stand legally about him having access to the children.

Stay where you are, but he moves out option. If he moves out you will have a spare room , you could either have an au pair to help with the children, or a lodger to help with money. Less upheaval for children, gives you a breathing space to get into your new job, look for accommodation elsewhere to buy or cheaper rent. Against, he might see you staying in the same place as meaning you are not serious about splitting and have expectations re access to former home etc.

Move nearer parents option. Support for you and children. Less work and money means you might get stuck there and feel trapped. Also children will not see their dad which might be an issue for them.

Move closer to work and buy option. This would help you maintain good barriers , but would be expensive and buying a house can be stressful and you already have a lot of stress. Maybe you could rent nearer work for a while until things are calmer and you know the area better. If you rented somewhere that gave you a spare room the au pair/ lodger aspect could kick in again. Cons you would have to find a new school for child, you would be renting for longer than you want to .

Rent closer to work or the school you want. Take some time away from him and his agenda to work out what you want.
Do not allow him in your rented property, it is your safe space.

Remember if someone can be charming to everyone else then not being charming to you is an active choice on their behalf.

Start making plans to leave and get your own place.

For the love of God though DON’T let him live with you part time and don’t over facilitate him in any way seeing the kids. He has to do the hard work and I’d imagine as he’s been so crap with his older kids this will quickly become the situation here too.

thanks he is professional at the moment so he has been earning but he is selling up to concentrate on finding himself so will not be working in a few months.

Get away from this cunt, he is abusive and affecting your ability to make decisions. Also, he is pushing your kids about now, what happens when they are older and they really piss him off?

When DD starts school, she's likely to tell them what her father does to them.

And then it's taken out of your hands because you've done nowt to protect them.

Plan, plan, plan - but get out. For them.