AIBU dead neighbour

[Soggymacaroon]

So my hoarder neighbour died just after Christmas. She was an old lady, really nice but mad as a box of frogs. Anyway her family started clearing her house immediately but have just piled her stuff in her back garden, fair enough but it’s now been there weeks. With the storm it’s blowing rubbish everywhere. I know they’re grieving but AIBU to be a bit pissed off. My husband and I have offered to help but they didn’t want any and are instead just relying on the weekly rubbish collection. Is there anything I can do and not be a total bellend at the same time? It’s not food rubbish just house crap EVERYWHERE!

Most of us will unfortunately have had experience of being bereaved. It can be utterly hellish and yes, there is no 'right' way to grieve, nor is there any amount of time by when other people think you should have 'come to terms'. I lost someone very dear to me more than 18 months ago and am still struggling emotionally with the shock and feelings of loss.

Regardless of that however and although it's a cliche, life has to go on - even if we don't feel ready. Unless you have an extremely supportive and willing support network and/or lots of money, most of us find ourselves going back to work sooner than we might have liked (especially if self employed), most of us have to get on with the minutae of daily life like caring for children even if we'd prefer to shut ourselves away in a dark room. It often sucks, and adds extra pressure to an already charged situation but what can you do?

That also applies to showing consideration towards others regardless of how you feel. I can remember wanting to scream at people in sainsburys going about their business without a care in the world (seemingly) when mine had just fallen apart but of course I didn't. Same goes for the family in this thread... whatever they were thinking when they created a six foot deep rubbish tip next to the OP it was extremely thoughtless at best and selfish at worst. There are many reasons, environmentally, and from a more general health and safety perspective why a huge pile of goodness knows what is potentially harmful and it's bloody ridiculous to attack the OP for wanting it sorted. It's exactly the sort of issue which could escalate if left alone, creating more upset and more expense further down the line. It's in the interests of the bereaved family, apart from anything else, that it's resolved sooner rather than later.

OP has been compassionate but she, and the other neighbours, can't be expected to turn a blind eye indefinitely to their own detriment.

I agree with the majority that grieving isn't an excuse for turning the garden into a tip for months on end as it does and is affecting others.

Maybe the council can help.

Also consider the idea of everyone on the street pitching in £20 each to hire a large skip or two ... if everyone is being affected by the rubbish, etc, it might be a possibility.

blowing litter around is not acceptable however much you are grieving (in the same was as balloon releases are not acceptable despite grief)

skips are not that expensive, and councils collect bulky waste again for not that much.

I do find it a bit odd - if they were going to take a while why not just leave the stuff in the house? Can you tell if they are cleaning/redecorating indoors? Only reason I can think.

My mother is a terrible hoarder.
Luckily my parents sold their family home and downsized to a flat.
But it took 3 years before we could fully clear the house before it was sellable.
My mum has now started hoarding again in the flat; but it will be manageable as we’ve done the worst (40 years) of decluttering.

I'm dreading my inlaws passing. They have a very large house FULL of crap. FULL. It will be awful to clear. I find it incredibly inconsiderate to leave houses like this for 'children' to sort out ... most 'children' are grown ups juggling full time jobs and families of their own ... while the grandparents are long, long retired with lots of time on their hands.

skips are not that expensive, and councils collect bulky waste again for not that much.

Depends what you think is "not that much" or what your particular council charges. I donated most of my Dad's furniture to a furniture project - they came and collected it - but they won't take anything with fabric without a fire safety label so that meant I was left with a bed, mattress, three-piece suite, large arm chair, computer chair. (Dad had cut the safety labels off things). It cost 70 quid to get it all taken away by the council - 10 quid per item. A large enough skip would have been even more expensive.
For some people that's a lot of money and if they've had to pay 3 or 4K for a funeral they could be really strapped for cash.

It's not an excuse for them dumping the rubbish though but it might be something they just can't afford to tackle at the moment so they've shoved it all in the garden hoping that somehow the problem will go away.

skips are not that expensive

I think some people might be unaware of/underestimating just how much stuff is generally inside a hoarder’s house. Dealing with it isn’t a case of ‘just getting a skip’. In the worst cases they are literally crammed floor to ceiling, in every single room, with crap, in some cases leaving the narrowest of walkways to maybe one or two tiny areas that the hoarder ends up living in surrounded by piles of precariously balanced stuff.

This isn’t a big standard house clearance where the neighbours have dumped a three piece in the back garden. They’ve taken year’s worth of hoarding, which will be collections of tat, bin bags full of junk and rubbish, random furniture, white goods, and god knows what else - hence OP’s comment about it being piled up to 6 FEET high in the back garden - and put it all outside and left it there for a couple of months.

I defy anyone not to be annoyed in that scenario. ‘Grieving’ isn’t an excuse for doing that. It’s just utterly inconsiderate and ignorant. It absolutely will attract vermin because it’s an ideal nesting area.

Skips cost £100+ these days because of the cost of sorting and disposing of the rubbish put in them. It sounds like this house might need several skips.

I find it incredibly inconsiderate to leave houses like this for 'children' to sort out ... most 'children' are grown ups juggling full time jobs and families of their own ... while the grandparents are long, long retired with lots of time on their hands

I agree with this and, after hearing a discussion on Woman's Hour a couple of years ago, I heartily recommend the 'Swedish death cleaning' method, which is not as grim as it sounds, more dealing with all the things that we collect over a lifetime, while we are still physically and mentally able to do so, instead of leaving it for our relatives to deal with at a distressing time.

Maybe those worrying about having to clear houses full of decades worth of possessions could broach the subject? There's a book, and probably an overview online too.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07W7V626H/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

For those who think skips 'are not that expensive' apparently £100 is a woeful underestimate.

average £226 for a six yard skip and £253 for an 8 yard skip is far from cheap to almost anyone.

*bog standard

Apologies, wrong thread!!

Swedish Death cleaning

The theory is you do it before you die, so that it’s not a burden on your family. Unfortunately for older people; hoarding is more of a psychological issue.

The skip I got was £120 I think. Yes they have to sort the contents but they make money on selling some of the metals.

@sunshinesupermum

Can't say exactly, obviously, but London area. ILs relative died 3rd January, funeral was last week, friends relative died 8th January, funeral is tomorrow.

Problem is we have limited choice of crematorium or cemeteries in the area and they have to serve a lot of people. Our local crematorium has only one chapel and serves a very densely populated area who h contains one of the biggest ageing populations in the London area.
My point was really that whilst they may have started to clear, maybe it's all become too much for them. I do sympathise with the OP, it's just that I can see the other side as well.

So, just a bit of an update. The council have called round today and had a chat with the us. We again made it clear about the situation and they are going to offer to help the family clear the rubbish FOC! Honestly the best outcome and I'm really happy i reported it to them. They've just turned up with a big van so fingers crossed it will be sorted soon. I didn't hold much hope but I've never seen the council move so quickly to address an issue.

Great update

Hurrah! Excellent outcome, well done Soggy!

That's brilliant.

Good.
otherwise it will turn into Rat Hotel, next door.

Good job OP, you have probably done the family a favour if they were struggling to address it.

Funny how those defending the family and ordering OP to #bekind were speaking to her like shit and had a complete empathy bypass themselves.

Glad it's sorted and the Tina Turner tea tray sounds great.

Fab! And you've done them a good turn also. Likely would have helped with handling the responsibility as well as the grief a bit.

Double fab.

Sounds to me like the hoarding and disregard for anyone else has been continued down the family. Definitely ring the Council else you will be overwhelmed by rats very soon, if not already, in fact would mention that.

Grieving is not an excuse.