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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At boiling point with my friend

89 replies

GrouchyMcGrouchFace · 17/02/2020 20:21

NC for this, but need a good rant as much as figuring out if I really am BU!

Been friends for 20 years, been in and out of each other's lives over that time due to uni, careers, being in different locations etc but always 'been there' for each other. Solid friendship most of the way, but less so recently (as I'll get onto).

I'm just out of a short term relationship, but I'm pretty happy with things and just going with the flow. Friend has been in relationship with fairly decent guy for a couple of years. However, he doesn't want kids, has always been completely honest about it. My friend deep down does, but instead of moving on and finding someone who wants the same, she's decided to stay with this guy, moved into his house and the last 6 months more noticeably keeps going on about how he might change his mind etc

A few months ago my dad was really ill, we didn't know if he'd make it. But he's doing fairly well now, but he has some bad days still, which is normal. So I've been making him way more of a priority than this friend (who has known about it and was fairly supportive).

My dad had a bad day over the weekend so I went over to see him and help my mum. But I completely forgot that my friend had asked me about meeting up - it wasn't a fixed formal thing, but I admit I didn't let her know I wouldn't be able to make it.

Anyway today, I got a passive aggressive message about it. Was still worried about my dad, had a stressful day at work, so I apologised and said had been to see my parents. Then she said that's okay, hope he's okay and then started moaning about her bf. And quite honestly, I have no idea what happened, I just saw red. I am usually the most laid back person ever but I just snapped.

I'm not proud, and it is all a bit teenager spat, but it escalated and eventually I went there - I said something along the line of sorry your boyfriend doesn't want a baby but that doesn't mean we all have to be miserable as well as you.

Haven't heard back from her since and I feel such a cow but also like it's been simmering up and just fed up with it all. Not even sure what I'm asking if I'm being unreasonable about.

Am I being unreasonable to let it all out? I dunno, I just feel a bit crap about it, I feel like it needed saying but I know this wasn't the way to do it.

OP posts:
BecauseReasons · 17/02/2020 20:24

You said it yourself- just because you're having a tough time doesn't mean you can take it out on others.

CalmdownJanet · 17/02/2020 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CakeandCustard28 · 17/02/2020 20:26

YANBU. That’d do my head in too. It’s her own fault for staying with someone who doesn’t want kids, just making herself miserable on purpose.

Tink88 · 17/02/2020 20:28

Of course your bring unreasonable.

Antihop · 17/02/2020 20:29

You owe her an apology. It's not acceptable to stand her up.

Avocadohips · 17/02/2020 20:32

You were out of order I'm afraid. Cool down, send her a massive apology, explain how stressed you were with your dad but make it clear you are not trying to excuse your words, and she might forgive you.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if I would.

And sorry you're going through such a tough time Flowers

Winter2020 · 17/02/2020 20:32

I think you should apologise and say you were stressed/upset and took it out on her. Saying this makes me wonder if your friend is dominating all your conversations with her with her problems though. If it isn't a balanced relationship but mostly just her using you as a sounding board you would not be unreasonable to take a step back. But I would still apologise regardless.

purplelila2 · 17/02/2020 20:33

wow you were really nasty you should apologise not only for standing her up but your out burst afterwards.

Avocadohips · 17/02/2020 20:36

@Antihop sounds like the friend forgave her instantly about being stood up. Not so much about being stood up and then being had a go at ignoring really hurtful things being said about her relationship (which the OP's opinion on is fuck all to do with anything else).

Avocadohips · 17/02/2020 20:36

*including

thegreekgoddessofcheese · 17/02/2020 20:38

Sorry OP but you were mean and need to apologise. Shell now be thinking of all the conversations you've had where she's mentioned her BF and children, and unless you've always been 100% honest about her flogging a dead horse, she's going to question your friendship. If you want to keep her as a friend, then you need to make this right.

Sparklesocks · 17/02/2020 20:38

I winced at that, OP. I’m sorry it’s so hard at the moment but comments like that are really hurtful, and stay with you a long time.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 17/02/2020 20:38

Apologise sooner rather than later!

Im sure she said some stuff she didnt mean too

Avocadohips · 17/02/2020 20:39

Imagine if she'd have snapped at you that "sorry your dad is ill but that doesn't mean we all have to be miserable with you". Sad

Honeyroar · 17/02/2020 20:43

Yes you’ve got some enormous grovelling to do. She graciously forgave you for standing her up and then you took her head off on a subject that’s probably already making her sad. Bite the bullet as soon as you can and cross your fingers that the friendship can come back from this.

incognitomum · 17/02/2020 20:46

Awful yabu

Ohtherewearethen · 17/02/2020 20:47

It sounds like she accepted your apology and moved on to normal conversation to prove that she was no longer cross with you. You are the cow here. You'll be lucky to be forgiven by your friend.

Yesterdayforgotten · 17/02/2020 20:51

Yabu, gosh what a hurtful comment. You took your hard time out on her and accused her of the very same thing. Apologise and pray she forgives you or its 20 years of friendship down the drain...

Yesterdayforgotten · 17/02/2020 20:53

Oh and yes she shouldn't stay with somebody who doesn't want dc when she does but the fact is life is not black and white and we can't chose who we fall in love with. It's so easy to judge on the outside when you're not in that situation yourself.

Original poster
GrouchyMcGrouchFace · 17/02/2020 20:54

Thanks for the replies, I know I have been a complete cow, and have been trying to apologise and will continue to do so.

Sorry OP but you were mean and need to apologise. Shell now be thinking of all the conversations you've had where she's mentioned her BF and children, and unless you've always been 100% honest about her flogging a dead horse, she's going to question your friendship. If you want to keep her as a friend, then you need to make this right.

I think this is the issue you have hit on the head. It's not a one off and I've got to the point where I've had enough of hearing the same thing over and over and over, and there never seems any resolution. She is making herself miserable about it and won't listen to me or any other friends who have said the same thing.

I know that doesn't excuse me using it in anger, of course it doesn't, and yes I'd probably be pretty upset if someone said the same to me. But part of me wonders if this friendship has been starting to drift for a while.

OP posts:
BobbyBlueCat · 17/02/2020 20:56

You were completely at fault here.

Stood her up and then commented on the one thing that would cut her deeper than anything else.

I'm not sure you'll both come back from this.

akerman · 17/02/2020 20:57

YABU

idontlike789 · 17/02/2020 20:57

You had a bad day and reacted to her . Everyone has done it once in a while she is going on the same old shit about her boyfriend and you have nodded in sympathy when really you should of told her to find someone who wants the same things .
Your going through a crap time and you forgot about your plans . In hindsight maybe the friendship has run its course maybe be honest .
I hate it when I have friends who let you down if it's a one off I'd let it go but apologise for the shouting at her .

LemonTT · 17/02/2020 20:58

Crikey, you doubled down being a bad friend.

That you are stressed is an explanation but not an excuse. It’s up to you to manage your emotions. There are ways of doing that without being cruel to someone. Time to learn them and use them. It won’t always work but you need to be aware that you have a right to feelings but not a right to behave badly.

If you don’t agree with her life choice, pick a time to tell her. It doesn’t need to be brutal or judgemental. You can say this in a caring way that allows you to close down that conversation for the future, with a simple “you know how I feel about it”

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 17/02/2020 21:03

It was really bad behaviour from you, op and I can't see that your friend has done anything wrong. I'm sorry your dad has been, but it sounds like your friend has been good to you throughout. Many people have shit stuff happening in their lives.

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