At boiling point with my friend

[GrouchyMcGrouchFace]

NC for this, but need a good rant as much as figuring out if I really am BU!

Been friends for 20 years, been in and out of each other's lives over that time due to uni, careers, being in different locations etc but always 'been there' for each other. Solid friendship most of the way, but less so recently (as I'll get onto).

I'm just out of a short term relationship, but I'm pretty happy with things and just going with the flow. Friend has been in relationship with fairly decent guy for a couple of years. However, he doesn't want kids, has always been completely honest about it. My friend deep down does, but instead of moving on and finding someone who wants the same, she's decided to stay with this guy, moved into his house and the last 6 months more noticeably keeps going on about how he might change his mind etc

A few months ago my dad was really ill, we didn't know if he'd make it. But he's doing fairly well now, but he has some bad days still, which is normal. So I've been making him way more of a priority than this friend (who has known about it and was fairly supportive).

My dad had a bad day over the weekend so I went over to see him and help my mum. But I completely forgot that my friend had asked me about meeting up - it wasn't a fixed formal thing, but I admit I didn't let her know I wouldn't be able to make it.

Anyway today, I got a passive aggressive message about it. Was still worried about my dad, had a stressful day at work, so I apologised and said had been to see my parents. Then she said that's okay, hope he's okay and then started moaning about her bf. And quite honestly, I have no idea what happened, I just saw red. I am usually the most laid back person ever but I just snapped.

I'm not proud, and it is all a bit teenager spat, but it escalated and eventually I went there - I said something along the line of sorry your boyfriend doesn't want a baby but that doesn't mean we all have to be miserable as well as you.

Haven't heard back from her since and I feel such a cow but also like it's been simmering up and just fed up with it all. Not even sure what I'm asking if I'm being unreasonable about.

Am I being unreasonable to let it all out? I dunno, I just feel a bit crap about it, I feel like it needed saying but I know this wasn't the way to do it.

Unless you have your life 100% sorted out, its a bit rich to criticise hers. I'm quite sure youve made mistakes along the way too and wouldnt appreciate a "friend" listing the ways in which youve fcked up. You picked probably the most sensitive topic for her and chose to be a dick about it so yeah, you are going to have to apologise and do it sincerely.

That said, never underestimate the power of a genuine apology and if you explain your concerns for her wellbeing and are sincerely sorry then a good friend would forgive you. But dont do it again- taking out your bad mood on others is a deeply unattractive trait and people wont put up with it for long.

"has been ill"that should say

Wow. That was proper evil op

That was uncalled for and words can really hurt. Hope you apologise but for some people it's hard to forget stuff like that.

Ouch.

That said, never underestimate the power of a genuine apology and if you explain your concerns for her wellbeing and are sincerely sorry then a good friend would forgive you. But dont do it again- taking out your bad mood on others is a deeply unattractive trait and people wont put up with it for long.

Absolutely, it really is unlike me.

I can apologise but I honestly don't know what to do for the future even if she accepts my apology, which she may or may not. It may not seem like it but I have been very sympathetic about her situation, and have raised my concerns a few times (as have our mutual friends). But the past 6 months it's like it stepped up a gear and I'm not sure I can take much more of that either.

I know, I should have just stepped back, but I didn't. Hopefully we can resolve it somehow, but I honestly don't know how.

Oh Op, standing her up was bad but then exploding at her like that too? Now, she hasn’t text back which is most likely good news and gives you the opportunity to apologise. If I was your friend I’d understand that you’re worried about your dad and that I’d been getting on your nerves regarding the baby thing, but you absolutely have to apologise. Could you maybe go round and see her? With a peace offering? Despite her being very naive about the baby issue with her DH she might have had the wake up call she needs and be feeling very lost right now.

Sort it out with her as soon as you can, apologise and go from there.

I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time with your dad, you sound like you need a break and some support from your friend rather than being bothered with a really avoidable problem she has. We all make mistakes OP, good friends will forgive.

List as to why you saw red in the first place.

yabu

Yep,you were a prize bitch

Tell yourself the friendship has run its course blah blah blah but, yep, you were a prize bitch

Or, as another poster said

Imagine if she'd have snapped at you that "sorry your dad is ill but that doesn't mean we all have to be miserable with you"

Yanbu to be annoyed at your friend but it was a bit harsh to say anything. She knows what she needs to do. Giving advice like that is obviously never going to go down well. And she is never going to feel like she can moan about things with him to you again. So it was the wrong thing to do even if you were right in what you said.

I know its frustrating when people dont help themselves. I had a friend with a very high paid long hours stressful job she hated. She spent every meet up moaning about how much she hated it, how it was making her ill etc...we kept on asking her if she thought she might want to leave and then it was suddenly 'oh there are some good points to it' and how she couldn't cope with a drop in salary (which was 4x mine!). In the end I just nodded and looked sympathetic and she eventually decided to leave for herself

Yeah there’s no really excuse for that OP. Pretty shitty, and downright awful.

Hmm. A good friend of mine recently took out many of her frustrations by being very rude to me. Whilst we are still friends, it has damaged the friendship and the level of trust I have in her.

Yes, she's made the wrong choice in thinking this man will change his mind. She isn't the first, she won't be the last and it's a separate issue from you being stressed.

I doubt you can resolve it, what you said can't be unsaid - she knows now that to you her problems are boring, repetitive, irritating to you etc. So she can't talk freely about them again, so the friendship if it survives can never be the same. You've made it clear that something that is huge in her life and causing her problems (basically having to choose between a man she loves and having child, is something you won't tolerate her discussing with you.

Presumably you sometimes sound of about things in your life to her - we all do it and because people sometimes need to keep running through something to try to reach a decision, it can be boring. But if you are a good friend and you care about your friend you put up with the boring until they come outthe other side.

As far as she is concerned this attack came out of nowhere - you stood her up, she accepted your apology and suddenly out of nowhere it's as if she has done something terrible. She must be very hurt and wondering how long she has been annoying you so much that you said such a nasty thing to her.

I would apologise, and then maybe call it a day on the friendship - you possibly both need and expect different things from a friend. In a good friendship you need to be able to talk about things that are troubling you even if it does become a bit repetitive to listen to. Maybe it did need saying if she really does talk about it non stop, but you made it personal and nasty.

Oh FGS, the OP is going through a worrying stressful time. Her friend has opened a conversation, the same one that it sounds like they'd had a million times. We all get to that point where we just can't hear the same old shit again. This woman knows the score, her fella doesn't want a kid, he's been totally honest and upfront. And instead of accepting it and moving on, she stays will him and hopes he'll change his mind. All the while going over it all with friends endlessly. She knows the score with him, her friends have told her too. She won't accept it. I think I'd have lost my patience with her way before now.
Really, how long are her friends and OP supposed to listen to her going over this same subject again and again? This woman ought to be asking herself why OP has exploded, when she's been a good friend for 20 years.
Being a friend does not mean allowing yourself to be subject to being talked at endlessly about the same subject and just sitting there soaking it all up.
Now you all can have a go at me instead of OP.

If she decides to continue the friendship OP I'd say just tell her that you're sick of hearing about her and her partner, it's been going on for years, she has been given advice and has chose not to listen.

She has made her bed and now she should lie in it; without making everyone else suffer with her.

But YABU for stressing at her, I get it, but not nice for her though.

Crikey! I would be really upset if a friend said that to me. It sounds like you are trying to make excuses about her not "ideal" relationship too. I would tell you fuck right off to be fair.

I agree with the others.

A genuine apology is in order. I would come from the angle that you're frustrated seeing her lose her chance to be a mother (depending on what age she is of course) my moving in with this guy.

Not your fault you forgot you were meeting her, under the stress of your Dad's illness -- you didn't do it deliberately. You should apologise for snapping at her, and what you said must have been very painful for her to hear.

But I can't help thinking she needs a push there. She's building up a heap of unhappiness for herself. It's a painful situation, if she loves her bf but he's certain he doesn't want children. You don't like to see her convincing herself that he'll change his mind, when that is quite unlikely. It will only get more painful until she leaves, and if she's in her mid-30s now she hasn't got much time to make a new relationship or decide to have a child by herself.

You may have done her a favour by forcing her to see what she's doing.

Now you all can have a go at me instead of OP.

It's okay, I did ask if I was BU and really happy to hear opinions of all sides. I don't dispute I was a complete cow, and I don't dispute I shouldn't have said what I said in anger and how hurtful it would have been.

A mutual friend of ours has just messaged me to call her (she knows both about my friend and my situations), so will see what she says.

Your friend would actually drive me bonkers though.

I'm sorry your dad is unwell and you are shattered with it all.

I should be sorry your friend loves a man who doesn't want kids but I think of my friend who sacrificed kids to stay with her husband and it still devastates her. Your friend needs a reality check. No man is worth sacrificing such a fundamental desire as to be a mum.

Can I point out that you may have seen red because your friend is making herself miserable.
She has put herself into a relationship with a man who does not want children.
He probably will not change his mind.
So perhaps some of your anger is because you know she is the cause of her own pain.
This will go on and on until she sees reality or until she gets pregnant and he leaves her.

Apologise but also don't be too hard on yourself....she is being very stupid within her situation and she maybe knows that deep down and maybe is hurt you pointed that out to her.

Sometimes it’s good to put it out there.
You’re having a shit time and her problems aren’t helping. It’s fine.
A good friend gets it.
Wait the dust settles. She didn’t get how stressed you were. I wouldn’t apologise because you said what you needed to. Hopefully she will make peace and you move on from there.

YANBU, completely agree with Lemon

Tbh I think you may have done her a favour. You told her a truth she didn't want to hear, and even if it really hurts her now, it will go in on some level and might encourage her to change her life at some point in the future.

I think your friendship is over, or at least on a long hiatus, even if you apologise and she accepts. I also think you're better off, because you've matured more than she has. IMO the friendship will only work again if she gains some maturity... And most people don't.

Take care of your self OP, apologise if you feel you need to and then stop letting this person take up any mental space.