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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

At boiling point with my friend

89 replies

GrouchyMcGrouchFace · 17/02/2020 20:21

NC for this, but need a good rant as much as figuring out if I really am BU!

Been friends for 20 years, been in and out of each other's lives over that time due to uni, careers, being in different locations etc but always 'been there' for each other. Solid friendship most of the way, but less so recently (as I'll get onto).

I'm just out of a short term relationship, but I'm pretty happy with things and just going with the flow. Friend has been in relationship with fairly decent guy for a couple of years. However, he doesn't want kids, has always been completely honest about it. My friend deep down does, but instead of moving on and finding someone who wants the same, she's decided to stay with this guy, moved into his house and the last 6 months more noticeably keeps going on about how he might change his mind etc

A few months ago my dad was really ill, we didn't know if he'd make it. But he's doing fairly well now, but he has some bad days still, which is normal. So I've been making him way more of a priority than this friend (who has known about it and was fairly supportive).

My dad had a bad day over the weekend so I went over to see him and help my mum. But I completely forgot that my friend had asked me about meeting up - it wasn't a fixed formal thing, but I admit I didn't let her know I wouldn't be able to make it.

Anyway today, I got a passive aggressive message about it. Was still worried about my dad, had a stressful day at work, so I apologised and said had been to see my parents. Then she said that's okay, hope he's okay and then started moaning about her bf. And quite honestly, I have no idea what happened, I just saw red. I am usually the most laid back person ever but I just snapped.

I'm not proud, and it is all a bit teenager spat, but it escalated and eventually I went there - I said something along the line of sorry your boyfriend doesn't want a baby but that doesn't mean we all have to be miserable as well as you.

Haven't heard back from her since and I feel such a cow but also like it's been simmering up and just fed up with it all. Not even sure what I'm asking if I'm being unreasonable about.

Am I being unreasonable to let it all out? I dunno, I just feel a bit crap about it, I feel like it needed saying but I know this wasn't the way to do it.

OP posts:

QueenOfIce · 18/02/2020 00:06

You know you've been unreasonable, however you are having an incredibly stressful time worrying about your dad. It's not an excuse but it is understandable. We're human and none of us perfect. Show yourself and your friend some kindness. This too shall pass.

user1471449295 · 18/02/2020 00:10

Your reaction and words were quite evil. Be prepared for your friendship to be irrevocably damaged.

Paintedmaypole · 18/02/2020 00:15

You were in the wrong and you know you were in the wrong. When she phones just apologise in a straightforward way, do not make excuses or try to justify your behaviour. Forgetting to text her to say that your Dad was ill and you couldn't meet is excusable and understandable but your nasty comments to her are not. We all go through very upsetting times, it is not a reason to be nasty to other people.

redcarbluecar · 18/02/2020 00:18

You weren’t evil or nasty OP.; don’t take words like that on board. I bet most of us have blurted out something hurtful to a friend, especially when slightly provoked - which I suspect you were. Your friend could have chosen to continue supporting you about your family rather than reverting to the well worn topic of her relationship troubles. That doesn’t make her completely wrong or you completely right, but it does make frayed nerves and emotions understandable.

mnthrowaway202020 · 18/02/2020 00:19

I think there’s a lack of correlation between the sudden angry onslaught with her behaviour. You absolutely took your mood out on her. And said vile things in the process.

I’m the first person to tell my friends to leave a man when it’s not working out. Obviously her situation is that she’s now taken it too far and fallen in love with/lives with a man who doesn’t want children. Yes, she should have nipped this in the bud when they started dating - but I’m sure you can appreciate that it’s difficult for her to now just immediately dump him. She’ll have to find a new place, get over a breakup with someone she loves, find someone new etc. It’s the right thing to do but I understand why she feels daunted. It’s like a sunken time fallacy

You have your own issues and it’s clear that you think your problems are more important than hers. If she does speak to you, sincerely apologise but let her know that you can’t discuss her relationship anymore and that you think you’re going around in circles so it’s hard to be supportive.

AvocadoAdvocate · 18/02/2020 00:22

it’s clear that you think your problems are more important than hers and why wouldn't she?

StoppinBy · 18/02/2020 00:32

Wow, you were a shitty friend on both counts.

You owed her an apology, not a brush off for standing her up. That's not about priorities it's about consideration towards her.

You could kindly tell her that she made her decision about staying with a man who doesn't want kids and that she either needs to accept it or move on without being nasty to her.

You can not prioritise her to last place all the time and then speak to her badly and expect her to still be there when you decide that you want her back in your life.

mnthrowaway202020 · 18/02/2020 00:39

@Avocadohips Although you may think that your problems are that much more important than someone else’s, there’s tactful ways to handle that compared to OP’s.

As to why someone should be tactful - why are you assuming that her friend has perfect mental health? If her friend was thinking straight she would have dumped her partner a long time ago. What happened to the “be kind” movement that’s come from all these high profile suicides? Nastily telling someone in such a manner that their problems are irrelevant/others go through worse is part of the problem surely.

redcarbluecar · 18/02/2020 00:41

I don’t think OP did stand her friend up. She says in the OP ‘it wasn’t a fixed, formal thing’ so, whilst in the ideal world she’d have remembered the half-arrangement and been in contact about it, I don’t think she left her friend waiting and stranded somewhere. I might have missed something in one of OP’s later posts I guess.

Coyoacan · 18/02/2020 00:45

I think you should apologize sooner rather than later. I have a friend who drove my nuts with her boyfriend troubles for five years but I do love her. I was made temporarily homeless last year and she took me and my cats in and was the most generous wonderful host. Good friends can be annoying at times but are priceless

Original poster

GrouchyMcGrouchFace · 18/02/2020 01:03

Well I couldn't sleep, so been reading some more replies.

She says in the OP ‘it wasn’t a fixed, formal thing’ so, whilst in the ideal world she’d have remembered the half-arrangement and been in contact about it, I don’t think she left her friend waiting and stranded somewhere.

Yes, this is correct. I said I would drive up to her town in the morning and we would meet for coffee/lunch but nothing formally arranged. But instead I ended up going to my parents to help with my dad.

No - your shitty behaviour was to drive to take it out on your friend

I drove to my parents, not my friend. First I heard from her was a message this evening saying 'so you forgot about yesterday then?' and a shrug emoji. I apologised, explained what had happened, she accepted apology, then started ranting about her boyfriend.

Don't step back, step in. Talk honestly and respectfully to each other. Listen properly. Tell her that you feel like she's going around in circles and that you feel frustrated. Tell her that you don't feel able to deal with listening to or helping her with her stuff while you've got enough on your plate. Use the format "when you do X I feel Y" - avoid blame and violent language, like "you make me...". Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Thank you, so much. This is really great advice. It sounds like she's willing to talk, but I also think from the replies on here and talking to our mutual friend it is going to have to be a two way conversation. I know I was in the wrong for how I reacted and what I said, but it also looks like it's been a big issue for her that has built up with her not only towards me but towards other friends.

A few days breathing space sounds like it will be good for everyone.

Thanks all again. I've been on Mumsnet long enough to know the variety of responses I would get, but I am listening from all sides

OP posts:

chilling19 · 18/02/2020 08:51

OP I had this with a friend and one incident highlighted that reverting to her stuff no matter what was going on in my life was a pattern. Eventually she let me down badly during one of the worst nights of my life and that was the end of the friendship. During that period, several other friendships ended as they had become quite toxic and related to the people pleaser I used to be. Looking back, maybe a straight honest talk might have helped particular friendship, but I doubt it. I hope you can find a way through.

Merlotmum85 · 18/02/2020 09:03

I'm going to go against the grain here slightly. Yes what you said was harsh and it could have been more kindly done. Sounds like she has drained you over time going on and on about a situation that she has knowingly put herself in. And immediately turning the focus back on to her instead of offering you support at a difficult time. You're human, you snapped. I would be downgrading this friendship to a quick coffee every few weeks from now on.

Vanhi · 18/02/2020 10:05

This, which I see you've highlighted as well, OP. We lash out at those closest to us, which is why she got it in the neck when you were frustrated. You're not evil or horrible. You're stressed and made a mistake. My first response if a friend doesn't stick to an arrangement is to check they're OK, as I know generally with my friends that they do try to keep to agreements so if they don't, they may have a problem.

It doesn't have to mean the end of the friendship - but it may change and need repair work.

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