At boiling point with my friend

[GrouchyMcGrouchFace]

NC for this, but need a good rant as much as figuring out if I really am BU!

Been friends for 20 years, been in and out of each other's lives over that time due to uni, careers, being in different locations etc but always 'been there' for each other. Solid friendship most of the way, but less so recently (as I'll get onto).

I'm just out of a short term relationship, but I'm pretty happy with things and just going with the flow. Friend has been in relationship with fairly decent guy for a couple of years. However, he doesn't want kids, has always been completely honest about it. My friend deep down does, but instead of moving on and finding someone who wants the same, she's decided to stay with this guy, moved into his house and the last 6 months more noticeably keeps going on about how he might change his mind etc

A few months ago my dad was really ill, we didn't know if he'd make it. But he's doing fairly well now, but he has some bad days still, which is normal. So I've been making him way more of a priority than this friend (who has known about it and was fairly supportive).

My dad had a bad day over the weekend so I went over to see him and help my mum. But I completely forgot that my friend had asked me about meeting up - it wasn't a fixed formal thing, but I admit I didn't let her know I wouldn't be able to make it.

Anyway today, I got a passive aggressive message about it. Was still worried about my dad, had a stressful day at work, so I apologised and said had been to see my parents. Then she said that's okay, hope he's okay and then started moaning about her bf. And quite honestly, I have no idea what happened, I just saw red. I am usually the most laid back person ever but I just snapped.

I'm not proud, and it is all a bit teenager spat, but it escalated and eventually I went there - I said something along the line of sorry your boyfriend doesn't want a baby but that doesn't mean we all have to be miserable as well as you.

Haven't heard back from her since and I feel such a cow but also like it's been simmering up and just fed up with it all. Not even sure what I'm asking if I'm being unreasonable about.

Am I being unreasonable to let it all out? I dunno, I just feel a bit crap about it, I feel like it needed saying but I know this wasn't the way to do it.

At least you can own what you have done wrong OP, you sound a really nice person who has done something silly. I would massively apologize and say you saw red in the same way you have here and that you really don’t know what came over you. The stress of life and your dad’s illness (which I’m really sorry to read about) is clearly getting to you. It’s up to her and her right if she accepts that apology or not and wants to remain your friend- unfortunately that’s the repercussions of your earlier actions which you can’t take back.

Apologise, say you haven't been yourself at all and you don't know what came over you. Then step back and give her time. You have, unfortunately, wasted your chance to mention this now. You won't be able to do it again. But the chance to maintain the friendship should come first.

I think at this point you have to be completely honest, and it does sound like you're sorry.

Nasty op! All your chat about friendship drifting is a load of bull trying to excuse you being a complete cow. You say you don't know where the friendship will go now, well if I was your friend you wouldn't have any choice - it would be done!

You're being given a bit of a hard time here OP.

She's clearly preoccupied with her issues, but it seems to have escaped her attention that actually your dad's health trumps her needing a moan about her bf.

If you value the friendship you probably do need to apologise for going off on one, but she has been rather thoughtless, and has forgotten your troubles whilst being embroiled in her own.

If she really loves the guy it won't be easy for her to dump him and find a bloke who wants kids - good fellas do not grow on trees - she's repeating it because she's reaching out to one of her oldest friends, by your account, to help her at her life junction/crossroad. She needs to make a MASSIVE decision. I know you have your own worries but you could have just told her you need to concentrate on your dad for a while instead of biting her head off. YADBU

Again, thank you all for your comments from all sides, it really does help.

Just had a chat with our mutual friend after friend had called her. Friend is rightly quite upset with what I said but not angry at me. I didn't know but it turns out she had a big falling out with another friend of theirs (who isn't my friend, but have met her at my friend's parties). And all over the same issue it seems. Mutual friend also said she doesn't really speak to her much these days as she's had the same, so it seems like I'm not the only one. Friend is going to get in touch in a few days when she's ready to talk to me.

What a mess. Again, thank you all. I'm going to take some time to reflect before I speak to my friend again (and apologise, of course).

You both have big problems to deal with. As friends you should be accepting the other's individual struggles and be able to support each other. That means you either listen to your friends unhappiness or ask her not to talk about it, as a PP said, say 'You know how I feel about that'.

As someone who has been on the other end of someone snapping my head off whenever they had a problem [nothing to do with me] , it is awful to deal with. And I think your friendship is over.

I don't think your friendship has been honest and now you are stressed your characters are both being highlighted. I appreciate how difficult things have been for you but you crossed a line and there was no need to lose your temper. Learn to control your emotions, the alternative causes huge problems and makes things worse. Your friend has probably lost trust in you. Once that is gone it's so hard to get it back.

Op sorry, just because others have fallen out with her over her bf issues, this so does not excuse your behaviour to her. Good luck with your apologies but I really don't think your friendship will ever be the same

It also sounds (unless you've edited what she said) that it was an OK for not meeting up with her, a hope your dad's OK, nothing about hoping you're OK and straight in to her issues - for the umpteenth time.

For want of better terms, her issue is chronic, yours was acute. And you were still running on adrenaline. I can understand why it tipped you over the edge.

But though I get why it happened the way it did at the time, it still wasn't the right way to bring it up. Apologise, apologise, apologise. But if she doesn't forgive you, let it go and move on. Lesson learned.

This is what I call data overload. It is a kind of meltdown because you can't cope with taking on the details of someone else's emotional baggage when you are already full up with your own. It isn't great, but it is human.

Sometimes it results in home truths that, in the long run, are quite a good thing, even if they are painful at the time. Your friend clearly needs to leave her partner and spend a bit of time single so she is in a position to meet someone else. Otherwise she will regret it later. Right now though, that isn't your problem. An apology is fine.

Sorry that your Dad is unwell at the moment, and that you've had a worrying few months. I genuinely feel for you.

But also, I feel for your friend. She is unhappy. Hasn't yet hit the point where she feels she can change her situation. She's been leaning on her friends. Who are now all drifting away. And now you've said such hurtful things to her. No matter what her faults, she's possibly feeling very bruised and alone right now. Poor woman.

OP yeah you were harsh and a bit of a cow but in the circumstances I can see why. You were worried and stressed about your dad only to receive a passive aggressive text over you not turning up for a meet and then the response of hope he's ok to turning it back to her issues is a bit insensitive and a tad selfish a real friend would have said go on have a vent you'll feel better. And a real true friend would forgive you for your outburst in the circumstances.

Everyone saying you're out of line and a nasty cow well I hope they're a paragon of virtue themselves for judging. I've been in your situation can't say too much because its very outing but a former friend of mine was very selfish and insensitive during a bad time in my family I was supporting a relative through grief and this friend continuously went on and on and on about their own problems and the boiling point came when they remarked that I was being a bad friend by not being there supporting them when they knew full well what was going on. I exploded and dished out some home truths and they haven't spoken to me since because I've refused to apologise. If you wanna resolve this give it a day or two then call or message her apologising and explain that you was still in worry mode about your dad and took it out on her she can either accept it or reject it but at least you tried at this point that's all you can do

Horrible. Sounds like you've went off the deep end to deflect from your shitty behaviour standing her up. I can only imagine the labels posters would give you if your friend posted this from her perspective.

deflect from your shitty behaviour standing her up

Yes, my shitty behaviour was to drive for an hour and a half at 4 am in the wind and rain after my mum rings distressed that my dad (who nearly died a few months ago) had fallen over and was struggling to move.

How terrible of me to find that a priority, eh?

Actually I do sort of understand why you did it. I have a friend and I had listened patiently for WEEKS about his lack of love life and how he fell madly in love with people he'd known for an hour. Then came the day I took my son to uni, and frankly I was heartbroken.

Friend messages me that he needs to talk and to text him when I'm home. I said ok, but please let's not talk about your love life, I'm in bits here mate.

That's exactly what he did and I blew. He accused me of making everything about me which was laughable as all I ever did was listen and comiserate and over and over...

Bad time and they want to talk about themselves again? Yeah, ok.

If you really have been good friends for 20 years then you can get over the odd row. Honestly it doesn’t mean the end....

Again - its not about standing her up, it's about what you said in anger.

I can apologise but I honestly don't know what to do for the future even if she accepts my apology, which she may or may not. It may not seem like it but I have been very sympathetic about her situation, and have raised my concerns a few times (as have our mutual friends). But the past 6 months it's like it stepped up a gear and I'm not sure I can take much more of that either.

I know, I should have just stepped back, but I didn't. Hopefully we can resolve it somehow, but I honestly don't know how.

Don't step back, step in. Talk honestly and respectfully to each other. Listen properly. Tell her that you feel like she's going around in circles and that you feel frustrated. Tell her that you don't feel able to deal with listening to or helping her with her stuff while you've got enough on your plate. Use the format "when you do X I feel Y" - avoid blame and violent language, like "you make me...". Communicate, communicate, communicate.

And you (and she) are allowed to have boundaries. "I love you and I don't want to listen to you talk amour him if you'e not prepared to change anything." Could be one.

Well you’re getting some lectures her OP, no doubt from people whose emotions have never got the better of them. Unless I’m reading wrongly you didn’t stand her up - you just didn’t follow up on a provisional arrangement because you had family stuff. Your outburst does sound a bit much, but she was moaning about her bf, perhaps for the umpteenth time, and you lost it slightly. Sounds like you’ve tried to make amends too, so try to forgive yourself. Hope you can both get past it.

I think you know well you were wrong.
Of course you owe her an apology but I think with the stress you are feeling about your Dad, she was the wrong person to be with.

Someone who is banging on about the same unresolved problem endlessly, ignoring advice, and doing this when you have an immediate issue that is serious, is hard to take.

She got on your last nerve OP. I get that.
Sincerely apologise and take some space. You need friends with a bit more self awareness at the moment.

Hopefully when things are more settled you can pick up again casually.

You didn't do this in a flash of temper - you actually went there physically to drive the words home in person. You were really nasty and I really hope that she doesn't forgive you.
Imagine how hard it must be for her, to be totally in love with a great guy who doesn't want babies and she does. To leave a man you love on the off chance that you meet someone you can love as much to have children with is a big dilemma - no wonder she wants to chew it over with friends. But you are no friend, you stood her up - yes there were reasons but you still stood her up - and then went round and vented your spite! She can do without you and I hope she does! YABU.

Don't beat yourself up OP, your friend sounds very self absorbed. When things are ok in our own lives we can tolerate such boring, self-inflicted misery, but when our emotional energy is needed elsewhere it all becomes too much. I have had friends like yours, they don't care about anybody's problems but their own. I've never had the guts to call them out, just reduced contact, but I sometimes wish I had.

Yes, my shitty behaviour was to drive for an hour and a half at 4 am in the wind and rain after my mum rings distressed that my dad (who nearly died a few months ago) had fallen over and was struggling to move.

How terrible of me to find that a priority, eh?

No - your shitty behaviour was to drive to take it out on your friend, hitting her in her most vulnerable spot.