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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Breastfeeding toddler in a shop, AIBU?

999 replies

Refreshed · 17/02/2020 11:46

To cut a long story short, out this morning and fed DS (2.5) sitting on a cushion seat in a shoe shop. A few other customers around but nobody even looking like they'd like to try on shoes. All other seats next to me completely free.

An assistant came up to me and said please can I do that somewhere else? The seats are for trying on seats only.

DS was done by this point anyway so I got up and left.

AIBU to have fed him there, and see it as an acceptable place to feed? No other people were sitting there and I wasn't preventing anyone from sitting next to us in the mny other seats avaible Confused

OP posts:
user1494182820 · 18/02/2020 13:46

I have no idea why people are suggesting you should make a child wait for comfort, simply because it is in your power to do so. The child needs comfort, the mother is happy to give it, it is her legal right to do so, so she does. It's not difficult. It's good parenting.

The issue as far as I can see it on this thread is that either a) you have an issue with breastfeeding a toddler to natural term/extending breastfeeding past 6 months or b) you believe it is the duty of the parent to bully their child into submission, withholding love and comfort in order to "teach a lesson".

In either case you need to update your views. There is no evidence to show that extended breastfeeding in demand will create a generation of entitled adults. As far as I can make out everybody is pretty entitled already and that doesn't seem to be much to do with breastfeeding. And if you choose to criticise gentle/attachment parenting methods for being permissive, then you truly do not understand them and should do some research to try to improve your knowledge/parenting skills. Wink

AmelieTaylor · 18/02/2020 13:48

YA NOT BU

Carry on as you are. You’re doing what’s best for your DS. It’s not messy, or affecting anyone else. You weren’t in the way if people wanting to try shoes on, nor were you allowing him to make a mess. Honestly, some people are beyond belief.

You have to wonder why people have to be so ridiculous & nasty. FGS

I hope you get some help & support for the problems he’s having 🌷

AmelieTaylor · 18/02/2020 13:49

But my comments stand even for a toddler with no issues other than being a toddler... that’s hard enough for them!

IceCreamFace · 18/02/2020 13:51

There is a massive difference between satisfying a toddler's whims instantly (e.g. chocolate bar, new toy, bouncing on a sofa etc) and satisfying their emotional needs as efficiently as you can. Of course you can create an entitled child by providing for all of their material wants instantly with no delayed gratification. You can't spoil a child by meeting their emotional needs and providing comfort.

There is no need to artificially create situations where children have to wait for things since it happens so frequently. Every playgroup some kid will have a toy your kid will have to wait for it. Every trip to the supermarket there'll be an entire shelf of tantalising treats right by the checkout they can't have. Helping your toddler when they struggle with waiting or not getting what they want is positive parenting. (Their brain's aren't fully developed - especially their prefrontal cortex). It is not the same as just giving them whatever they want instantly.

LaurieMarlow · 18/02/2020 14:08

Great post icecreamface

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/02/2020 14:19

Don't think I would be breast feeding a 2 and a half year old on demand everytime they had a bit of a tantrum. Isn't that just a bit like sticking a dummy in their mouth without the nutrition. Plus I'm sure the shop doesn't out seating in for people to sit down and nurse their children. Even if the shop wasn't busy, that's not the point. I wouldn't pop into a hairdressers, book an appointment and then sit in their waiting area to breastfeed my toddler because the decided they were going to play up.
At 2 and a half I think you should be able to defuse a tantrum or deal with a tantrum without sticking something in the childs mouth to shut them up 🤷‍♀️

FET2020 · 18/02/2020 14:27

I think OP should file a discrimination complaint. Some of the posters on here are vile about breastfeeding.

Dividingthementalload · 18/02/2020 14:30

FET - discrimination Complaint to whom?! Good lord, I’ve heard it all now.

FET2020 · 18/02/2020 14:31

To the shop

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/02/2020 14:32

Discrimination against what? OP you could do that, but you should go back to the shoe shop and sit your toddlers in their seats for a sandwich or a tub of fruit first, see what they say. If they don't ask you to leave, it could be decriminalisation against breast feeding, or it could be that they just don't want you using their facilities to feed your child when that's not what they are there for.

ethelfleda · 18/02/2020 14:34

At 2 and a half I think you should be able to defuse a tantrum or deal with a tantrum without sticking something in the childs mouth to shut them up

That’s the OP’s choice though - we all have our ways of diffusing tantrums. Just because you wouldn’t choose to do this by breastfeeding, doesn’t mean the OP shouldn’t.

FET2020 · 18/02/2020 14:34

What does the law say?

The Equality Act 2010 says that it is discrimination to treat a woman unfavourably because she is breastfeeding. It applies to anyone providing services, benefits, facilities and premises to the public, public bodies, further and higher education bodies and association. Service providers include most organisations that deal directly with the public. Service providers must not discriminate, harass or victimise a woman because she is breastfeeding.

Discrimination includes refusing to provide a service, providing a lower standard of service or providing a service on different terms. Therefore, a cafe owner cannot ask you to stop breastfeeding, ask you to move or cover up or refuse to serve you.

How long does protection apply for?

There is no age restriction, the law protects you for as long as you wish to breastfeed your baby.

Where can a woman breastfeed?

You are protected in public places such as parks, sports and leisure facilities, public buildings and when using public transport such as buses, trains and planes. You are protected in shops, public, restaurants and hotels regardless of how big of small. You are also protected in places like hospitals, theatres, cinemas and petrol stations.

What can I do if I am discriminated against because I am breastfeeding?

If you have been asked to stop breastfeeding or to cover up or you have been refused services while you are out and about, you can make a complaint to the company or organisation. This includes complaints about how you were treated by other customers as well as members of staff.

Ask the company or organisation, e.g. restaurant, sports complex, cinema, if they have a complaints policy. This will tell you who to write to. Alternatively, you can look on their web page for their complaints policy or find the address of their Head Office.

You can make a complaint by email or by sending a letter, outlining what happened and when and who was involved. Think about what you would like to ask for to remedy the situation, for example, an apology and a commitment to providing staff training in breastfeeding rights. You can use the model letter below if you wish.

You could also send the company a tweet or post a comment on their Facebook page. This may be effective in raising awareness of their treatment of mothers who are breastfeeding but businesses are unlikely to treat tweets and Facebook comments as formal complaints so they may not investigate your complaint.

What can I do if I’m not happy with the response?

If you have made a complaint and you are unhappy about the service providers’ response you can take a case in a county court in England or Wales or a Sheriff court in Scotland. You should seek advice as these can be expensive cases to bring. You must start the case within 6 months of the day that it happened. This time limit will only be extended in very exceptional circumstances.
If you win your case, the court can order compensation which can include an amount for injury to feelings. The court can also issue an injunction or make a declaration that you have been discriminated against. If you lose, you may be ordered to pay the other side’s legal costs so it is very important to get expert advice.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/02/2020 14:35

I haven't seen a single vile post about the actually breastfeeding.

EasterIssland · 18/02/2020 14:35

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion as per breastfeeding law she’s been discriminated as been asked to move.

Are there any laws regarding going to a shop and eating a sandwich?
Unluckily for some of you there are laws about breastfeeding in shops and it says they can’t be asked to move and if do so then it’s discrimination

Welcome to 2020. We need these laws to protect from some vile people like in this thread. Sad

sauvignonblancplz · 18/02/2020 14:36

@Dividingthementalload - because the shop discriminated against her? Surely whether you agree or disagree with bfing in that particular spot you can admit that she is protected by law and the shop was wrong. Therefore the appropriate thing to do would be to ensure the mistake doesn’t happen again.
Would you not encourage anyone who has been discriminated against do the same thing?

sauvignonblancplz · 18/02/2020 14:38

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Have you RTT?
So far the Op has been told, her son is too old.
That she should start to wean.
She should feed him in private
He’s too old.
She’s feeding him to satisfy her own perversions...
This thread and it’s content is abhorrent.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/02/2020 14:38

@EasterIssland but giving a 2.5 year old a sandwich would be feeding too. Why is it not a law that you can feed children anywhere you like. Or feed anyone anywhere you like?

Dontdisturbmenow · 18/02/2020 14:40

There is a massive difference between satisfying a toddler's whims instantly (e.g. chocolate bar, new toy, bouncing on a sofa etc) and satisfying their emotional needs as efficiently as you can
Sorry but what's the difference between a chocolate bar and breast milk? Both are emotional comfort.

I also agree that responding immediately to toddlers emotional needs is not setting them to real life. What happens when he has a sudden emotional need for breast milk when he is with his dad and mum is out shopping? Do you drop everything and rush home to breastfeed because he will otherwise be emotionally traumatised?

Ridiculous! At 2 1/2, learning that you can't have all your needs responded to immediately is part of growing up and totally normal.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/02/2020 14:41

@sauvignonblancplz, no its about 35 pages long.

sauvignonblancplz · 18/02/2020 14:42

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion Because no one cares if you feed a child a sandwich... however if you breast feed you’re a terrible person.

Thankfully the law ensures people’s opinions don’t matter in this situation and a woman is free to do so....

sauvignonblancplz · 18/02/2020 14:43

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
Well now you’re up to speed and can reevaluate your comment.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/02/2020 14:43

I don't think it's vile to say at 2 and a half a child shouldn't be cajoled out of a tantrum with breast feeding.

Dividingthementalload · 18/02/2020 14:43

If the wording provided by FET is correct then she isn’t protected. She wasn’t feeding a baby.

LaurieMarlow · 18/02/2020 14:44

So far the Op has been told, her son is too old.
That she should start to wean.
She should feed him in private
He’s too old.
She’s feeding him to satisfy her own perversions

Don’t forget ‘she’s an exhibitionist’

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