To think it’s not enough to say be kind etc, people and children need educating on being kind and how to help others

[Lardlizard]

Why are we not taught this shit at school etc

I agree with you OP, although I don’t know if it’s something that could/should be down to schools.

I don’t know what the answer is.

I think @Kungfupanda67 is correct that anonymity does not help. I also think that there is a worrying trend towards polarised thought which has not helped (right vs wrong, as opposed to recognising some issues are complex). Probably a million other reasons too.

I think you are correct that it’s not enough to say “be kind”, I think it needs to be more explicit than that. A reminder to put yourself in the other person’s shoes before acting. Not necessarily to change you opinion or actions, but to express them in a more human way.

I see that “kind” is a feminist issue too, and agree that it is sometimes weaponised against women. However, I would argue that we should be aiming for men to be more kind, not women to be less. In the meantime, kind but assertive works

It really depends what kind means.

I also think that you could spend your entire life being kind and everyone walks all over you (bitter experience)

And removing stress is a good way to make people kinder.

Working all hours for little pay & insecure housing ... it's not the way to go for a kindness-based society.

So, I think it starts well outside school.

Oh they're all at it on Facebook. Some of them are right twats, in fact one of the people with 'be kind ' is a woman who is out with her sisters friends tonight after turning them all against her when she suffered an obvious mental health episode. Of course all of the photos have been splashed all over Facebook. Along with ' be kind' shite. She can bang on about being kind all she likes. She's still an absolute cow with a poisonous streak.

Being kind and tolerant costs nothing. And isn't difficult but can make the whole world of difference to people who don't have much kindness in their day to day lives.

Yes, I think we'd need to move the onus of kindness from the shoulders of women.

The irony is that schools do already teach the broad basics of socially normative inter-personal and intra-group interaction.

Hours are spent on it.

From not hitting other children when you can use words, to more complex issues around negotiating boundaries, competing demands and complex friendship issues higher up school.

Maybe people just forget all that stuff when they grow up?

Maybe it's all about a poor model of power?

Adulthood is often identified with increased power. And people have quite antediluvian notions of what power looks like.

They don't like feeling fragile, infantilised, powerless.

All of that is also gendered.

And it all feeds into how we interact in public spaces.

Children are taught this in schools via subjects like PSHE/PDMU (depends where you are located). But sure, don't let facts get in the way of a bit of teacher bashing.

Imagine that everyone in the world was kind, generous and self-sacrificing. Then the one person who was nasty, selfish and self-serving would be at a massive advantage. They would simply and easily exploit everyone else.

There's an evolutionary thing going on with kindness and you're not going to overturn billions of years of societal evolution through good intentions or slogans.
It's all worthy, but a little naive. It's way more complicated.

Who is teacher bashing ?

That’s true of my DC’s primary school @thecatfromjapan. I’m sure my DC are kinder and more empathetic than I was at their age. At my 1980s primary school you were ‘kind’ because you wanted to avoid being caught and told off. At the DCs primary school they try hard to teach the reasons why you should be kind. They also have a lot of lessons and assemblies on social media and bullying. Obviously there is still plenty of unkindness between the children, but I think there is more awareness generally and more genuine remorse when they do get caught.

Maybe the next generation will be kinder? Maybe this is just a case of technology moving faster than humans? When we were children there were not many consequences to saying unkind things behind people’s backs. Now, with anonymity on the internet and social media, the consequences are a lot higher. Most people who are unkind will not do it to people’s faces. Maybe our children, having grown up with it all, will deal with it better?

I don’t think it’s about being kind, it’s the insatiable appetite people have for details of other people’s lives, the gossip and judgement that people just can’t get enough of. It’s fine, for example, to blame the press for Caroline Flack’s very sad death bit what about the people who pour over papers and website, getting over involved in the details of someone else’s life, passing comment and searching out every detail. The press reports it because it sells papers. To people. Like us.

Does kindness extend to online behaviour, not watching shitty reality tv, not getting so caught up in other people’s drama that we lose sight of there being actual people behind those words we devour. I think kindness is too simple and massively overrated. Discretion, acceptance and knowing when to walk away, those are priceless.

Children are taught constantly at school that how they feel doesn’t matter. Miss your mum? Get over it! Dislike your classmates? Put up with it! Need fresh air and exercise? So what, sit down indoors. Here’s a uniform to erase any feeling of individuality.

Then they grow up into adults who don’t know how to be kind.

Our society is so fucked.

This is your second thread on this, OP.

What's up?

I agree. I told a friends teen if you are nice people are usually nice back & you reap what you sow. She sneered. Loving home, but poor social skills which her family are in total denial about. Rocky relationship with main caregiver & friends who are frankly, feral. I met them & came away feeling like I'd met the modern version of Fagins gang , only they've deposed the ringleader & it's all gone very Lord of the Flies as they're all incredibly aggressive & loyalty etc changes or turns on a dime. Shocking & sad that they are the future.

I think there are lots of adults in the world who don’t really know how to be kind (including adults who are parents, and including adults who work in schools). I agree that this stuff needs to be taught, by example and explicitly, in a much more meaningful way than just ‘be kind’. Can’t quite see all those adults with their own shrieking unmet emotional needs pulling it off though. I find it v depressing.

The irony of this thread being on YANBU where it will have plenty of responses from angry posters who desperately need some kindness in order to become more able to be kind themselves, is not lost on me...

Also, for all those who are up in arms about teaching our children (perhaps especially our daughters) about when it’s ok not to be kind - I think that’s part of the same learning need, actually. I think if we talk in detail about how to be kind, we also end up covering how we decide to be kind and how you might need to balance kindnesses to different people and/or to yourself and so on, in a constructive and useful way. I think this meaningless platitudinous “just be kind” shit is both unhelpful in helping kids/people learn exactly what that means, and in shutting down women for standing up for themselves. Two sides of the coin.

If a parent can't teach kindness there's something very wrong

It’s not my second thread on this

I think 'don't be a dick' is a better phrase than 'be kind' there is a huge difference. As pps have said being 'kind' can be an opportunity for people to take advantage.

Agree nell I’m glad there are people that can put into words what I’m trying to say

They are day in and day out.

It's not something that can be taught in school.

Imagine that everyone in the world was kind, generous and self-sacrificing. Then the one person who was nasty, selfish and self-serving would be at a massive advantage. They would simply and easily exploit everyone else.

I agree. The golden rule is a good model for behaviour generally: "don't do to others what you would not like done to you".

But it's only half the story. We need to be teaching resilience as well as kindness. Social relationships aren't one way streets. They are complex negotiations. We need to teach children to be mindful of the feelings of others but also resilient in themselves.

LardLizard:

'Why are we not taught this shit at school'

'Sometimes teachers are the biggest bullies of all'.

Let me tell you, in school you can tell exactly how a child is spoken to at home by how they speak to others. Kindness is taught in schools but it should begin at home.