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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend's on much more money than me and it's making me worried about the future

134 replies

LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:05

I'm 25 and a supply teacher so i'm basically on a zero hour contract. I do work usually at least 4 days a week and come home with a weekly income ranging from £280 to £480ish
But obviously i dont work summer holidays.
I have only been on supply since september since i only graduated this year.
My boyfriend of a year however has a well-paying job. He's 24 and on £60,000 a year. I wont say his job as to not give too much away.
He wants to get a mortgage in the next year or so and would like me to move in with him but i dont know how mortgages work with such different salaries.
I feel so much anxiety that im never going to be able to afford to move out of parents :(
Teaching is so competitive to get jobs in but of course i'll be trying but not guaranteed so may be another year of supply.
He says he doesnt mind the mortgage being in his name and i pay bills but i just dont know!
Aibu to be worried???

OP posts:
user18463585026 · 16/02/2020 17:43

I wouldn't want to buy a property with someone after such a short period of time. I don't see any reason to rush?

DCOkeford · 16/02/2020 17:50

It doesn't mater what your income is, you can always go on the mortgage (this seems to be whopper No 1 that is told to women to prevent them having a stake in their own home).

While my DC were small, I earned nothing at all for many years yet was always named on the mortgage and the deeds of the house.

The only circumstances that might preclude it is if you have an adverse credit history.

You would be very foolish to live in, or pay anything towards a house you don't own while you are unmarried.

If he wants the two of you to live together, then you need to buy this house together as a couple.

What he is suggesting is actually really cheeky - he gets all the benefits of a live in partner, but with none of the commitment.

SheldonSaysSo1 · 16/02/2020 17:51

I think so, I know someone with an inconsistent salary due to a sales job who has managed to get a mortgage. I was thinking its probably similar to getting one when self employed.

DCOkeford · 16/02/2020 17:52

Realistically, you'd be unlikely to get a mortgage on your own though.

Zero hours contracts aren't great from a lender's perspective.

Schwesterherz · 16/02/2020 17:54

Unclear whether you already have kids together. If so, he should be taking out the mortgage in both your names (I think joint tenants rather than tenants in common). Personally I would always rather be married if property and kids are involved because it provides protection to you if you give up work to care for the kids. Each to their own.

MyuMe · 16/02/2020 17:55

I don't know. I wouldn't have minded that at 25.

It would have allowed me to

  1. Leave my parents
  1. Live rent free with just bills
  1. Have the freedom to walk away should the relationship go sour without being tied into a mortgage
  1. When I found a permanent job I could save heaps again without having a mortgage to pay
Xenia · 16/02/2020 18:01

You aren't even engaged so it's not reasonable that you have a share in the house legally really and not fair on his parents if you split up later and took the money they had put into the house.

So it sounds best that he buys and you move in or just stay some of the time in the week until you see how it goes. May be he pays everything and you pay something like £400 a month for being there as a koind of friends and family rental rate until you decide if you might get married and have children together. It is very early days.

VivaLeBeaver · 16/02/2020 18:05

You can definitely be on the mortgage deeds and not have a job/regular income. When we bought our current house I was working and dh wasn’t working. I still put him on the mortgage......wouldn’t have crossed my mind not too! He needed the security of it being his house as well. But the mortgage was gained on my income alone.

Redwinestillfine · 16/02/2020 18:10

Personally I wouldn't move In with him unless you're considering getting married, but if you do then don't ' just pay the bills', pay an agreed percentage of bills and mortgage and get you name on the deeds. If he's not happy with that then he does it alone. Don't keep house for him. Live with your parents and save up for your own place until such a time as he's serious enough to share.

VirtualHamster · 16/02/2020 18:14

With the length of the relationship and the fact you've not lived together I wouldn't be rushing to get a mortgage. If your boyfriend is keen to buy, then he can do it on his own. I don't see the issue with moving in with him and contributing to bills. Yes, it benefits him as well as you but I don't see that as an issue personally, as long as the arrangement is mutually beneficially, i.e. you pay less out then you would if renting elsewhere, and he pays less out as someone else is contributing towards the bills.

Yes, you'll have no rights if you broke up, but with no dependants, parents you can move home to and a flexible job (if you're still a supply teacher) that's less of a risk than being tied to a mortgage with someone imo.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 16/02/2020 18:28

I don’t see any problem with an arrangement where you have only been together for a short time, he pays the mortgage and you pay a part of the bills as long as you don’t have kids.

If you start thinking about kids, he either puts you in the mortgage or you get married.

There are only one thing to be careful with if you have very different salaries. If he insists on going 50/50 leave. You will spend your life running out of money trying to keep up with his lifestyle expectations while he would feel restrained by yours.

Maisie17 · 16/02/2020 18:33

I think this an ugly that rears its heads in plenty of relationships and is an issue across plenty of salary scales. About 3.5 years ago I met my now-husband - I was 27 and he was 32. I was on about 80k (obviously massive by most standards but in London is less exceptional), he was on about 300k. I literally let it EAT ME ALIVE for 18months and nearly dumped him when his angry ex accused me of being a gold digger. I was totally consumed by my inferiority complex and frequently told him I wished he earned the same as I did just to level the playing field. The ultimate of first world problems, I know.

He owned a flat at the time and I just moved in and paid the odd bill. He was very fair and wanted me to save as much as I could in case things didn't work out between us. I think it's too soon for you to be going on a mortgage together and it's reasonable for him to buy it in his name only. However, it's important that you do not pay his mortgage. You need to save your own money and prepare for your own future, at least until you're engaged. He's the one building up equity.

Don't let money dictate whether a relationship goes the distance, but don't be left penniless in 2 years if you break up. Also, remember that what you do in your working life is probably a more noble and meaningful contribution to society than his is (I say this not knowing what he does, but there are few people more important than teachers!!).

DCOkeford · 16/02/2020 18:33

I do think PPs have a point about it not being reasonable to expect a share in the property, but the trouble with the arrangements he has suggested is that you have literally no protection at all if it all goes belly up.

There exists a 'pecking order' of security of tenure (i.e. how easy it is for you to be evicted) with ownership at the top, assured shorthand tenancy somewhere in the middle, lodgers (with a contract) a bit further down, and then this proposed co-habiting arrangement right at the bottom.

The law only requires him to give you 'reasonable notice' to leave, which in reality is accepted to be between 24 hours and a week.

Even an AST would give you more protection.

Its all hearts and flowers now, while you're in the honeymoon phase, but this can all change very quickly.

The imbalance of power between him (as homeowner, and at the top of the pecking order) and you (right at the bottom and horrendously insecure) doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship IMO.

Supersimkin2 · 16/02/2020 18:33

Living with DP makes it more difficult to find The One, that's for sure. He can boot you overnight, too.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/02/2020 18:41

I’d let him buy alone on the first instance given you don’t already live together. Diving straight into a joint mortgage when you don’t know if you will get on etc when thrown together so much is madness imo.

I wouldn’t care what a partner earned as long as they could meet their 50/50 share of the bills, had a decent work ethic and didn’t expect to be provided for.

rainpain · 16/02/2020 18:55

I think some people are being unfair to the OPs boyfriend.

rainpain · 16/02/2020 18:56

They are not married, are young & only been together a yr.

cosytoaster · 16/02/2020 18:58

If he takes out the mortgage I think that the fairest way would be for him to pay the mortgage and you each pay half of the bills. Otherwise you are subsidising him gaining an asset. You could maybe buy in to the property when you're in a better position.

PinkPoutingLilies · 16/02/2020 19:00

So in effect you would be a lodger with no rights whatsoever.
He could make you move out with no notice.
You have no claim on the home

Defintiely don’t have children, until you are on the mortgage/ deeds/ tenants in common and married 😂

Purpleartichoke · 16/02/2020 19:04

Don’t buy a property with someone you are not in a fully committed relationship. Not putting you on the mortgage is a big signifier of commitment. There is nothing wrong with renting together until you get to the point that mine and yours isn’t really a distinction.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 16/02/2020 19:04

I would be more worried about getting a mortgage with someone I have never lived with than being a lodger with no rights, at the end of the day, the worst thing that could happen is for OP to move back to her parents where she is currently living.

Lippy1234 · 16/02/2020 19:07

I think him buying a property and you paying no more than 50% of bills and food is ok for now if you want to live with him. Use the opportunity to build up your own savings in your own name. Once you get a permanent job you’ll probably want to review things.

BeardieWeirdie · 16/02/2020 19:08

Are you Welsh speaking? Depending on where you are, this will have a huge impact on your job prospects in North Wales. For non-Welsh speakers, you stand zero chance of a primary job in Anglesey or Gwynedd as all primaries are Welsh medium. In Conwy, there’s a mix of predominantly Welsh, predominantly English and bilingual. If you’re not a Welsh speaker, you’re at a huge disadvantage applying for teaching jobs here.

MinnieMountain · 16/02/2020 19:14

A school friend did supply for over a year whilst looking for a Primary school job in West Wales. She's a fluent Welsh speaker too. So I get the OP's problem.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 16/02/2020 19:28

Some mortgage companies may have issues with supply teaching but others won’t. Check out the teacher’s building society as a starting point, they have no issues with people on supply.