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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend's on much more money than me and it's making me worried about the future

134 replies

LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:05

I'm 25 and a supply teacher so i'm basically on a zero hour contract. I do work usually at least 4 days a week and come home with a weekly income ranging from £280 to £480ish
But obviously i dont work summer holidays.
I have only been on supply since september since i only graduated this year.
My boyfriend of a year however has a well-paying job. He's 24 and on £60,000 a year. I wont say his job as to not give too much away.
He wants to get a mortgage in the next year or so and would like me to move in with him but i dont know how mortgages work with such different salaries.
I feel so much anxiety that im never going to be able to afford to move out of parents :(
Teaching is so competitive to get jobs in but of course i'll be trying but not guaranteed so may be another year of supply.
He says he doesnt mind the mortgage being in his name and i pay bills but i just dont know!
Aibu to be worried???

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:08

Can relationships with such different incomes work in the longrun?

OP posts:
Dozer · 16/02/2020 16:09

So it sounds like it’d be solely his property, and you’d have no housing security. High risk for you.

You could have a legal agreement whereby you’d have some stake in the property, commensurate with what you put in.

Sounds like seeking a permanent job and saving money should be high priorities for you personally. That may require relocation.

bluebluezoo · 16/02/2020 16:14

He says he doesnt mind the mortgage being in his name and i pay bills but i just dont know!

Well this is your decision.

Do you want to live cheaply, but be able to walk away should the relationship not work out?

Or do you want to be part owner, invest in the house but be financially tied?

If the relationship works and you have kids you need to be on the deeds or he could ask you to leave with nothing at any point.

Will he put you on the deeds at a later date if you stay together?

bevelino · 16/02/2020 16:16

OP, you can purchase the property as tenants in common and own the property based on the amount you have supplied towards the purchase. You then pay your share of the mortgage and bf pays his. Lots of people do not own their property equally for the reason you mention.

Reginabambina · 16/02/2020 16:19

If he had a problem with you being dependent on him I doubt he’d be seeing you. Relationships with disparate incomes are very common. It really isn’t a problem most of the time. If anything problems are more like to arising when income starts out being similar ten diverges because the financial dynamic does always change to reflect this.

Original poster
LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:19

@bevelino would that still work with me on a zero hour contract?

Thanks everybody! I'd love to move in with him but teaching is so competitive that i wouldnt be surprised if it's another year on supply for me. Ive met so many other supply teachers and i wonder how they manage!

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:21

He only wants a small, comfy house, nothing spectacular

OP posts:
ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 16/02/2020 16:21

Different incomes shouldn't matter if you're serious about being together long term, as in planning to be together forever (whilst being realistic and aware life isn't a fairytale) kids if you want them etc.

You do need a permanent job though.

He's not being as generous as he sounds suggesting that the house is just in his name and you pay rent - that just makes you his lodger, which is a bit shabby if you're paying rent to sleep in his bed! IMO paying rent means that you get your own room which is completely for your use and has a bed in it! It also gives him all the power and puts you in as precarious a position as any other lodger. It's fine if you're both still on the fence about whether you're serious, but it's in no way a commitment to the relationship.

If I were you I'd be concentrating on getting a permanent full time job, and then if you truly want to be life partners you buy together and own together - equally - and both put your salary into a joint account from which the mortgage and bills are paid and have equal spending money.

If you want to go the lodger route it's fine, but have your eyes open to the fact that's just him buying himself a house, not really anything to do with you, you're just a lodger with benefits. Don't have children together in that set up.

Original poster
LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:22

So im hoping something can be arranged,
I love supply teaching, I just love teaching but being on a zero hour contract makes me lose hope of getting a mortgage and i dont want him to lose interest in me because of this :(

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:24

So if he was to get a mortgage, would the fact i'm a supply teacher prevent me from also putting my name on the mortgage or can i still put my name on it?

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 16/02/2020 16:26

He says he doesnt mind the mortgage being in his name and i pay bills

I bet he doesn't!

Most men would love a live-in lover! Just don't have children with him.

i dont want him to lose interest in me because of this

Erm, I wouldn't suggest that you move in with anyone where you're still scared they might lose interest in you - this sounds like a very precarious situation and a recipe for disaster.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 16/02/2020 16:27

LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 if you're afraid he'll lose interest in you because you aren't in the ideal position to be approved for a mortgage this very moment, even though you have a job, a degree and a marketable professional qualification, then either he's not the man for you or you need to work on your self esteem!

paddingtonbearsmarmalade · 16/02/2020 16:31

My boyfriend and I have the arrangement yours suggests: he pays mortgage, I pay bills. We split food. This was deliberate because we weren’t ready to buy together but his family were pressuring him to buy (his deposit was gifted). I refused to pay rent to my partner when I wouldn’t get any interest in the house (when I was considering buying, the set up agreed was the same: I’d pay mortgage and he’d pay bills).

However this only works because:
A) mortgage is low and bills are low so it works out about the same anyway
B) we went and looked at houses together and chose it together even though it’s his mortgage
C) I am saving for my own deposit for a place (either my own that we live in & rent out his, or we buy jointly) and this enables me to save more
D) If it all went wrong tomorrow, I could go straight home to my mum’s & I have enough in savings to be able to immediately arrange a van to get my stuff out. The majority of the furniture is mine too, seeing as the house is his!

It is doable & an option but you need to go into it with your eyes wide open about the insecurity this gives you. I have every faith in my partner but equally it makes sense to be sure to have a back up plan. I also had to sign a document to confirm that I wouldn’t have an interest in the property.

We’re not planning children, but I agree that if you’re planning on having children you need more security than the proposed arrangement would give you.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 16/02/2020 16:31

There is still a teacher shortage in the UK and it's set to get worse by 2025, so unless you teach in a niche subject area or live in a cheap part of the country where teachers can actually live very comfortably indeed on even a main pay scale salary (so very attractive areas for teachers) then you should be able to find a permanent job fairly easily as a cheap NQT.

The last post does suggest that self esteem may actually be your issue on professional and personal fronts.

Know your worth LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 !

Original poster
LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:33

I think my main worry is that i wont find a full-time job for September and will still be on supply,
I've spoke to some teachers in schools and some have said they were on supply for 2 years before they got their first job,
Others actually have been doing supply for years and it is their job and have no plans to get a permanent job anytime soon

OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 16/02/2020 16:34

It’s your joint income that matters for mortgage. Lender doesn’t care who earns what. You can both be on mortgage and deeds and agree how much you walk away with should you split.

rainpain · 16/02/2020 16:34

tough one I would want to be on the mortgage but equally I can understand if I was him why I wouldn't want that. A yr together is not that long at all, are you currently living together?

Original poster
LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:36

Ive always got positive reviews as a teacher, im invited back to the same schools and finished as outstanding in my university placements so no lack of self-esteem here for teaching,
The teacher shortage is not always as straight forward as "you should get a job easily", only 2 out of 35 on the Early years PGCE got a full-time job, Universities are sprouting out so many teachers and there are so many of us on supply

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:39

No i currently live with parents and he works away quite regularly, sometimes away for a month, so i'd be on my own in the house whilst he's away

OP posts:
lollybee1 · 16/02/2020 16:40

You could discuss perhaps that he pays 70% deposit, 70% mortgage and he owns 70% of the house and you could do the other 30%

fedup21 · 16/02/2020 16:41

Thanks everybody! I'd love to move in with him but teaching is so competitive that i wouldnt be surprised if it's another year on supply for me

Wow, where do you live? Jobs are advertised repeatedly here because they simply can’t fill them, especially for teachers that are cheap!

Original poster
LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:41

Im not necessarily broke but i get half terms and summers off so pay is not consistent there

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa909 · 16/02/2020 16:42

We had headteachers come into the university to speak to us and for every 1 teaching job there is often over 100 applications

OP posts:
ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 16/02/2020 16:43

Ah ok - you're early years? I do believe that's a whole different thing.

I used to teach a secondary core subject and it was pretty easy to walk into jobs.

Self esteem at interview is different from being a good teacher sadly - landing roles easily and actually being good at them once employed don't always go hand in hand. You need a different sort of self esteem at interview than when actually teaching, especially if you teach reception!

Good luck - don't be grateful for crumbs though, or worried he'll lose interest - know that your boyfriend is as lucky to have you as you are to have him, and if he loses interest it's because he wasn't worth your time Flowers

geekone · 16/02/2020 16:44

I was a student (PhD) when I moved in with my now DH. At the time I was on a bursary he was in the forces so on a lot more than me. We picked the house together but everything was in his name only and I paid half the bills food etc (money was in joint account) It also meant if it didn’t work I was free to move on and he didn’t lose his investment.
It worked out and the about 5 years after we married and after we had bought a house together properly he moved jobs and retrained on minimum wage while I supported him through that. Again circumstances changed when we had DS.
It’s swings and roundabouts in life and it it works it works. He earns about 60% more than me now it doesn’t affect us at all as all money is pulled.
It can work and circumstances can change