Please help me calm down

[YappityYapYap]

Today, one of the worst things I have ever experienced in my life happened.

I have a 3 year old DS and today I took him out for a meal with my family and some of my sisters friends because my sister is away to have a baby next month and instead of a baby shower, she just wanted to have a nice meal. All was going well, DS was behaving very well and sat for his food. It got to the end and the bill was being paid. My other sister needed to leave as her fiance was outside in the car to pick her up (city centre, very busy) and my other sister who's meal it was wanted to go and get her car so all the presents would be easier to take to her car. My mum, me, my DS and my sisters DD were left in the restaurant with the presents and getting our coats on waiting for my sister to come back. My mum was chatting to the waitress and I had gotten DS's jacket and hat on and was putting my own on when DS managed to get out of the booth we were sat in and was playing with some of the balloons with my niece (sisters DD). I was sort of trapped in the booth as the presents were piled up at the side of me but he seemed happy there and my mum was stood up so I just started getting my jacket on more quickly to go and retrieve him.

Then of all a sudden, he made a break for it and ran to the door, I shouted on my mum and said DS was running to the door but I wasn't sure if she heard me so I stood up and pushed the presents out of the way and went to run after him. My bag got caught on the table and I was panicking then got myself free and by this time, all I could hear was beeping and people shouting. I ran so fast to the door to see that my DS was running into the main city centre road. As soon as I saw this, panic set in and as I ran, my legs gave way and I went flying into the pavement face first. A lady ran over and helped me up and I was like that's my son, where is he and she said it's ok, my FIL has managed to get him from the other side of the road, he isn't harmed and she lead me back to the restaurant door. I looked up (it was raining so heavy) and I saw my mum, an old man and my DS coming towards me and the old man handed me my son and said he's ok love and I took my son and said thank you so much and was crying as I said it. I was in so much shock from seeing my DS in the middle of the busy road and falling that I could hardly talk. There was lots of people by this point and the waitress had came out and was leading me back inside and saying I should sit down. I had DS's hand firmly and went back inside briefly before saying we need to go now. I held DS's very tight and walked to my car, strapped him into his car seat and just kept crying and felt so shaky. My mum came running up to my car and got in the passenger side and kept asking if I was ok. I was just in so much shock, it's hard to explain how it feels seeing your small child in the middle of a busy road with cars swerving to miss him and the way my body responded by letting me down and making my legs give way.

I don't know what to do now. I'm just sat here in shock at home. I drove home with DS and gave him a big hug when we got into the house. He doesn't seem to realise what happened. He is being assessed at the moment for autism. He doesn't talk but otherwise acts like a typical 3 year old minus this incident. DH got home from a day out with his work friends half an hour a go and I told him what happened. He has decided the best course of action is to go to the shop and get me a bottle of wine (I never drink) to try and calm me down a bit and for us to just be thankful that DS is ok and that I'm badly injured from the fall (just a sore knee). I sat here shitting myself that I can't protect my son properly. Am I an awful mother?

Oh bless you both! What a scare! It does happen to alot of parents. That moment of "JESUS CHRIST NO!" My DD unhooked herself from her buggy and made for the bus doors when my head was turned. I grabbed her up by her reins so fast. When she was in nursery she bolted through the playground at home time heading for the gates which lead on to an open road. I tell ya! Shes tested my old sprinting skills more than once. Just hug your boy and kiss him up. You'll all be absolutely fine x

Talk it out. Cry it out. Take your time. The adrenaline needs time to subside.

You are not a bad mother.

Big hugs. Its abit different but we went for a lovely walk in a national trust field when my now five year old was about 2. Thought it was safe. She was running about. Then Infront of us (she was bolting towards this,) was a missing fence panel leading onto a 60mph road. I literally shot towards her and she was laughing. I ended up screaming her name in the scariest voice and she froze and I got to her just in time. I felt so disturbed by what could of happened. But it happened.
You are going to be shocked and disturbed at what's happened. You will forget about it soon but you will always remember if you get me. It happens. Your little boys ok. I hope your face is ok too. I could cry for you. But one thing ive learned having a fearless boy is that sometimes they just do something dangerous despite you being alert and trying your best in all cases. Xxx

You poor thing. Of course you aren’t an awful mother. Your DS is a ‘Bolter’ which is not uncommon at 3. If it were then there wouldn’t be a whole selection of reins available to buy. You have had a massive shock and seeing your boy surrounded by traffic must have been beyond a nightmare. Be kind to yourself. The wine is a good idea.

I’ve worked with pre-schoolers. They move like lighting , have no sense of danger, are impulsive and have the attention span of a fruit fly. Sometimes despite everything, short of locking them into an empty room, shit happens . Be kind to yourself.

Really glad all's okay OP, you've had a huge fright.

Now you know he can bolt, I'd echo the great advice from @juls1888 upthread.

None of us are prepared for our children to bolt, until they do it for the first time. Loads of us have had very similar things happen without warning. Don't beat yourself up, you weren't to know he'd do it.

As Blanktimes says, you often don’t realise what a child is capable of doing till they’ve done it.

You are not an awful mum. We’ve all had these moments thinking we are but we are not. It was a complete accident. I totally get your stress. When your child for whatever reason ends up in a potentially dangerous situation but they end up fine we still have the ‘what it’ thoughts.

My son has autism and has no sense of danger. It means we have to keep an eye on at him at all times but things happen. Once he ran out of a shop into a road in front of the car. I screamed, the car stopped (thankfully was not driving fast) and all was fine but I felt terrible for a few days..

He’s 9 and just this week we lost him in a shop!! He ran off to look at a lift (he’s fixation at the minute). It was so busy we couldn’t see him but again he was fine.

Another time I was visiting my parents. They had a large paddling Pool filled outside. It was raining so we were inside. I had shut their back door to ensure that he wouldn’t go outside whilst (he was about 18 months at the time) I went to grab something from my car and by the time I got back (maybe 1 minute tops) someone had opened the door, he had got out and in the pool! My family were nasty to me saying I should keep a closer eye but I had purposely shut the door. There was no way he could of opened it himself. He wasn’t tall enough so someone had opened it for one reason or another and he went out. Thankfully he was fine again!

I am certain you will feel better after a good nights sleep!

Flowers for you OP. My DD ran out in to a busy road when she was about 2 while me and DH were getting shopping out the car. I thought my DH was watching her, he thought I was. Easily done, but my blood went cold when I saw her bobble hat in the distance. I was frozen to the spot and could only scream to my DH. Well done to you for overcoming that shock and managing to run. You are a great mother and you shouldn't feel bad....she is safe.
I still feel ill when I think about that day and this is years later. But it made me super aware of where she was at all times and nothing similar ever happened again.

Give yourself time OP, you've had a very scary experience but you and your DS are mostly unharmed.

We've all had those moments and you are definitely not a bad parent, I had similar with my own. He ran across the road after nursery one day straight into the path of a massive truck. I froze, I wanted to run but my legs wouldn't move and the driver thankfully managed to slam the brakes on with about 10ft spare and waved me across. DS was oblivious as to why I almost hugged the breath from him!

He's 13 now and has no recollection but it still sends a shiver down my spine.

You could have in no way anticipated your DS doing a runner out of a restaurant.

DS needed reins for a while. I got ones that unclipped so they could be short or long depending on where we were. It was a bit like walking a dog but put my mind at ease. In fact I got complimented at a castle by an older gentleman who felt it was quite a safe thing to do (DS would have been over a rampart or similar without them). He's nearly 5yo now and walks brilliantly, not had reins for ages and is very good. He does however always hold my hand near roads and we talk a lot about road safety.

Haven't read the full thread but just wanted to say you are absolutely not a bad mother. I'm sat here crying because I've had moments like this and reading your post bought back the exact feelings I went through - one last year which ended up with me taking my 18 month old daughter to hospital. All we can do as mothers is learn from these incidents. I hope you manage to calm down soon. Be kind to yourself.

Oh you poor love. That’s just awful and such a shock. You’re a wonderful mother with great instincts to protect your baby. You should be proud of yourself xxx

Oh goodness, I cried reading your post imagining what it would have been like. You poor thing, I hope you're feeling better now. You are absolutely not a terrible mother, accidents happen

Oh OP, it wasn't your fault - this could've happened to anyone. In fact I was chatting to a mum outside playgroup when her DD suddenly broke away from her and ran straight towards the road, luckily she managed to catch her but it just goes to show these things can happen in the blink of an eye. You've had such a fright, but your DS is fine

My 3 year old nephew got out of his house and run down a very busy road with no pavement , round a blind bend, across a road and into a shop. He took some chocolate and was only stopped when he was heading back out the shop door. Luckily a neighbour also happened to be in the shop and called my sister.

@YappityYapYap you are an inspirational parent. You acted fast and did everything you could to get to him. You alerted everyone around you and he is safe.

Be kind to yourself. You will relive this over and over and play out all sorts of scenarios in your head. This is totally normal. But he is safe and well and with you.

I saw my son put a penny in his mouth at 18 months. I fell over myself trying to get to him and in a second he was choking - I knew he was going to put it in his mouth and just couldn't get to him in time.

He stopped choking while I was on the phone to the ambulance people, gulped and he'd swallowed it. Took him to A&E to make sure it wasn't somewhere it could cause harm. It came out the other end the next day with no damage, but I still do watch him like a hawk with small objects. I still watch him like a hawk fullstop to be honest.

I can only imagine how terrifying it is seeing your child in the road, but it can so easily happen. It was a combination of very bad luck. It's understandable you will be shook up, and you will be on your guard, but no harm came to him. You need to let yourself off the hook.

I still don't know where that bloody penny came from. I was always really careful with coins around him.

I read your post with my heart in my mouth - I'm so relieved he was OK.

My older son was a runner-away. I couldn't even take him into Marks and Spencer because he'd run and hide among the clothes. I once left him watching the telly while I got his lunch and I heard him shout 'Look at me, Mummeeeeee!' from a long way away. He'd managed to get out of the front window and was running down the street. I once found him about to glug a bottle of Calpol, which He'd somehow managed to open. My husband once took him shopping in the pushchair, and a lady brought him back from across the road - he'd wriggled out of his straps and crossed the road at the zebra crossing.

Looking at all this, I'm forced to the conclusion I was an awful mother. But i wasn't. Most of the time he was safe, and I had enough of an eye on him to notice what was happening before he got injured. Children are ALWAYS pushing boundaries, and it's knackering trying to predict what they'll do next.

Like Bluetrews25 - (hot bath, a coffee/tea/hot chocolate and tv where you don't have to think )
And like all the above NO you are NOT a bad mum.
Virtual hugs loading

I will always remember running after my ds (ASD) aged about 7. He broke away from me, ran into the station and dow the platform as a train came in. I was utterly terrified he would run in front of the train. I was shouting at people to stop him as I ran after him and no one moved - it was hideous. Have a drink.

I've just read every single reply here and you are all such lovely people, honestly. My heart has been in my mouth a few times reading of the same situations to mine a lot of you have had and it makes me feel calmer knowing that you've all carried on and not ended up in a padded cell. That was honestly one of my thoughts, that I might end up in a padded cell because my adrenaline was pumping so hard that my mind wasn't working and I felt I might have a heart attack.

I've spoken with my mum and she talked me through it all as I couldn't actually remember it all due to falling and because my mind was all over the place. She said that a bus driver must have spotted my DS and he stopped his bus and blocked the traffic coming from that way and stayed stopped the whole time that my mum and the lovely older man ran after my DS. She said that a car on the other side saw me face plant the edge of the pavement and skidded and stayed horizontal on the road to stop traffic from the other direction. Also that the lady that helped me up was originally in the road trying to stop traffic also. Everyone was so kind and so helpful and complete strangers had my DS's welfare in the forefront of their minds and that makes me feel so much better that society is still a very helpful and kind place especially since my DS might have autism. I live in fear that my DS will be taken advantage of and all sorts if he is not NT but today has shown me that in 99% of cases, people are kind and helpful and will do anything for a child.

I'm still in a bit of shock but I'm calmer. I love that boy so much, I don't know what I would do if anything happened to him and I have been thinking 'what if' a few times and I know I need to stop that. I do have a medical condition and I think that played a part today with the fact my legs failed me so I do have it playing on my mind that I am not fit enough to deal with a bolter (first time) but I'm already thinking about things I can do to help further with my condition. Basically, I get hemiplegic migraines and stress is the biggest trigger. If I get intensely stressed, the migraine starts instantly and I can end up paralysed on one side from anything from 5 seconds to 20 minutes. I think my right side gave way due to that but I'm not sure, could have been panic. This incident has pushed me further to get help for this condition

Full of sympathy for you OP, my DS is 2yo and is a total bolter. He once ran from the front row of the theatre, up the aisle, through the foyer and out of the main doors in less than 30 seconds flat with me screaming his name after him as he went. He thought it was hilarious. I'm afraid I did not refrain from shouting at him and ended up screeching like a lunatic in the middle of the street (like crazy shouting as in not just about the danger of being hit by a car but also pointing at some poor man getting out of his van nearby and shouting "that man could SNATCH you and put you in his van and take you away! You could fall down a hole like in Fireman Sam and get stuck there FOREVER!")

He has also run off in a park downhill towards a lake (again, crazy shouting about risk of drowning, being bitten by rabid dogs, falling in a hole, being snatched by baddies like in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang). That time I couldn't chase him quickly as I'm 6 months pregnant and have PGP, the grass was slippy and I was terrified of falling on my bump, so I know what you mean about worrying that your body won't respond as you want it to by bursting into Usain Bolt type speeds and stopping them in their tracks.

My DS is starting to understand a bit more now why mummy goes nuts when he runs off. When we go out now, I say he can run, but he has to stop at every lamppost and wait for mummy and at each curb and I give him a star on his chart when we get home if he has done this all the way there and back to the shop. Hopefully it will sink in more and more, but he has no sense of danger and it does terrify me that he'll do it again each time we go out.

Hope the wine is steadying your nerves. 💐🍷

OP, it wasn’t your fault, just one of those things. I know exactly how you are feeling, my dd got out of my house and ran across the main road in front of a lorry a few years back, she has autism and was totally oblivious to what she had done. It took me while to calm down, I felt as if I was a useless parent and I couldn’t keep her safe, my mum had to calm me down and stop me calling social services on myself. After this incident I had every door in the house made secure so she couldn’t get out again and had a 6ft fence put up in the garden. Looking back now it still upsets me but I know it was just one of those things and I know I have done all I can to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Your DS is fine, he doesn’t even realise what happened. Stop beating yourself up about it, it happened and you can’t change that but you can be extra cautious from now on.

You’ve had a really horrible experience, and you’re obviously still in shock, but your little boy is fine. Try to hold on to that.

You are absolutely NOT an awful mother. It must’ve been a terrifying experience for you, and you must be so shocked. Don’t beat yourself up about what happened, and stay away from the rabbit hole of what could’ve happened.

My DTs are only two but are terrors and have so far bolted for the road, ran in to a lift as the door was closing, disappeared in the shop (this was all on one utterly miserable trip out and was all my DS), got hold of a just boiled cup of tea and pulled it down resulting in nasty burns and weeks of hospital visits (DD), ran full pelt and tripped hitting their head on the car door (DS), and escaped out of the house (both).

Every single one of these have left me feeling like a shitty mother (writing it all out perhaps I am given they’re only 2!) but kids just don’t see danger as far as I can tell. Despite the constant whirring risk assessment going on in my brain when my children are awake, they manage to terrify me on occasion and surprise me with dangers I had no idea were there.

Look after yourself and please be kind to yourself. You’re doing great 💐