Please help me calm down

[YappityYapYap]

Today, one of the worst things I have ever experienced in my life happened.

I have a 3 year old DS and today I took him out for a meal with my family and some of my sisters friends because my sister is away to have a baby next month and instead of a baby shower, she just wanted to have a nice meal. All was going well, DS was behaving very well and sat for his food. It got to the end and the bill was being paid. My other sister needed to leave as her fiance was outside in the car to pick her up (city centre, very busy) and my other sister who's meal it was wanted to go and get her car so all the presents would be easier to take to her car. My mum, me, my DS and my sisters DD were left in the restaurant with the presents and getting our coats on waiting for my sister to come back. My mum was chatting to the waitress and I had gotten DS's jacket and hat on and was putting my own on when DS managed to get out of the booth we were sat in and was playing with some of the balloons with my niece (sisters DD). I was sort of trapped in the booth as the presents were piled up at the side of me but he seemed happy there and my mum was stood up so I just started getting my jacket on more quickly to go and retrieve him.

Then of all a sudden, he made a break for it and ran to the door, I shouted on my mum and said DS was running to the door but I wasn't sure if she heard me so I stood up and pushed the presents out of the way and went to run after him. My bag got caught on the table and I was panicking then got myself free and by this time, all I could hear was beeping and people shouting. I ran so fast to the door to see that my DS was running into the main city centre road. As soon as I saw this, panic set in and as I ran, my legs gave way and I went flying into the pavement face first. A lady ran over and helped me up and I was like that's my son, where is he and she said it's ok, my FIL has managed to get him from the other side of the road, he isn't harmed and she lead me back to the restaurant door. I looked up (it was raining so heavy) and I saw my mum, an old man and my DS coming towards me and the old man handed me my son and said he's ok love and I took my son and said thank you so much and was crying as I said it. I was in so much shock from seeing my DS in the middle of the busy road and falling that I could hardly talk. There was lots of people by this point and the waitress had came out and was leading me back inside and saying I should sit down. I had DS's hand firmly and went back inside briefly before saying we need to go now. I held DS's very tight and walked to my car, strapped him into his car seat and just kept crying and felt so shaky. My mum came running up to my car and got in the passenger side and kept asking if I was ok. I was just in so much shock, it's hard to explain how it feels seeing your small child in the middle of a busy road with cars swerving to miss him and the way my body responded by letting me down and making my legs give way.

I don't know what to do now. I'm just sat here in shock at home. I drove home with DS and gave him a big hug when we got into the house. He doesn't seem to realise what happened. He is being assessed at the moment for autism. He doesn't talk but otherwise acts like a typical 3 year old minus this incident. DH got home from a day out with his work friends half an hour a go and I told him what happened. He has decided the best course of action is to go to the shop and get me a bottle of wine (I never drink) to try and calm me down a bit and for us to just be thankful that DS is ok and that I'm badly injured from the fall (just a sore knee). I sat here shitting myself that I can't protect my son properly. Am I an awful mother?

Omg that must've been horrendous poor you. It's not your fault we've probably all had near misses with our kids I know I have

OP- just echoing what others have said. You are by no means a bad mother; this was just a horrible incident. You sound as if you’re still in some shock (even your own fall would have done that- and are you sure you’re not physically hurt, by the way?). You won’t forget what happened today but you won’t always feel just so traumatised: adrenaline and shock will be making everything feel so much more heightened right now. You could do worse than have a drink but maybe not the whole bottle!

I’ve had to stop for a toddler in the road. I felt sick and shaky for ages after too, and I nearly got hit myself getting out to grab her. It happens, I didn’t throw shame at her mum, she just took off, this shit happens!

I’ve got to be honest though I don’t think alcohol will help

I'm sat here crying for you, you poor poor thing, that must have been absolutely awful for you. You are absolutely not a bad Mother, and the fact that your legs gave way is perfectly natural and normal. Bodies do shut down during shocking situations, trust me, I'm a medical professional, I know. Drink that wine and try not to let this play on your mind too much (easier said than done I know). Sending lots of love to you xx

Keep talking, don't bottle it up, be kind to yourself

This!

Talk it out, not in a "was I to blame?" kind of way, but talking through what you experienced and how it felt.

Look after yourself. You had a big shock.

Ouch!

We've all had times when the kids have given us a fright!

Worst one I had with dd was her first asthma attack which came out of the clear blue yonder! No cough or anything preceding to even suggest, I think it may have been an allergen triggered as we were also in town when it happened and I too have asthma which can be triggered by certain perfumes etc.

Never seen my ex move so quickly! Thank goodness! He grabbed her out the buggy holding her upright and dashed into a fortunately not too far away gp surgery (not ours though) who administered 1st aid until the ambulance I called arrived.

She recovered relatively quickly and was pretty unphased, I did that thing of once I realised she was ok bursting into tears of relief but shaking at the thought of what COULD have happened. Awful

She gave us similar frights after as she has several allergies which trigger her asthma but of course you don't know until the first time they're triggered! But by that point she had dx and inhalers so slightly less panicky for us.

She was also a bolter! But fortunately this became apparent while on home (army camp) territory which was pretty rural and safe, so when I came to be letting her walk in town etc I had her on reins.

My sister did what your ds did once though! Mum had been lulled into a "false sense of security" because me and my brother were both quite biddable, easily managed toddlers sister was a whole other ball game! Also a "hider" so would vanish in shops, cafes etc so mum had to get very good at managing that.

But even when they're older! Dd has a couple of times when she was later primary age just wandered off on me a couple times and given me a fright!

Hot sweet tea is good. Sipped slowly.

If you're struggling to calm down maybe try some "grounding" exercises or guided meditation?

And try to remember in a few years this will be no more than a memory & family anecdote.

It's ok. He is perfectly well and safe. You did all the right things. One day this will be a story to tell him that you can smile about. My children are all grown up now, and so, with the passing of time I can recall the time my daughter went missing for what seemed like hours, but was probably minutes, in the middle of a busy shopping centre (she had hidden herself under a display of clothes. Also , the time my son missed being hit by cms when a heavy bollard fell on his pushchair.... or the time he let himself out of my mums house in the middle of the might on the one and only time she looked after him overnight.....

In other words - it happens to us all, and one day this will also enter your family folk history of 'things you did to scare mum when you were little'.

Have another glass of wine. Hug him and your DH close. Try to put it behind you.

I was shopping once with a friend at M & S in a really large store. My friend and her little boy was with me, and my DD aged 3. The kids were playing together, and chatting and I asked my friend if she was OK with them while i tried something on. I had to queue for a while, and came out around 10 minutes later to find friend and her DS looking at the flowers....... and I said where is DD? She said "oh she came to find you ages ago"....... and I had a complete and utter panic attack. A shop assistant came running over when she heard me shouting for my DD, and they immediately got security to close the doors and they put out a call over the tannoy to say a young child was missing their parent...... about 2 minutes later DD appeared with a security guard and had been playing with a mannequin in the window. I was actually sick I was in such a state, and I was furious with my friend (who happened to be a very over protective mother and would literally have killed me with her bare hands had I done this to her). Our friendship died that day, I couldn't forgive her for letting a 3 year old walk off to find their parent in an unfamiliar place.

It haunted me for weeks after thinking "what if............".

Cuddle your DS close OP, and you did incredibly well not to shout at him. Give yourself some credit here .

Oh you poor love. I just want to give you a hug after reading that.

It’s ok. He’s ok. What a shock you have had.

Oh and "pre-emotive" painkillers might be good too, you'll likely be sore and stiff tomorrow bless you.

And yea I'm afraid it doesn't get easier, dd 19 now and the last few years I've had the stress of her starting to go to concerts, clubbing etc. SO hard.

She moved out a few months back wanting her independence, it hasn't made it easier as I still see when she's out all over sm! Even though she's a sensible sort she has moments of naivety/gullibility plus she's very slim so very easy to just grab & lift!

If it makes you feel any better OP I got hit by a car when I was about 3/4, I managed to get away from my mum when she was getting my sister out her car seat and ran across the road. I remember landing in the gutter, getting up and finding her kneeling on the floor sobbing and wondering what all the fuss was about. In fact I remember it quite fondly as I was allowed to eat pudding before dinner whilst we waited for the police.
I don’t blame anyone and it’s just one of those things, accidents happen. You’re doing fine, don’t beat yourself up 💐

when my son was about six we were in Croydon high street and he let go of the buggy and vanished total panic on my part, I found a policeman he went one way I went the other way luckily he had gone to the bus stop where we caught our bus home, but blind panic wasn't the word for what I felt kids are kids and at 3 he wouldn't have seen the danger a big hug to you

OP you are in no way an awful mother, totally the opposite. What a terrible shock. Glad you're both OK. That's the main thing.

You sound like an amazing mother. I held my breath the whole time reading that. It could happen to anyone. One of my 4 year old twin girls is autistic. She has no danger awareness, most little ones don't though autistic or not. This sort of thing can happen to anyone and thank God no one was harmed. You will calm down but everyone is different so when it will be who knows. Just deal with it in your own way. A couple of years ago one of my twins got out of her pushchair in a supermarket, she was strapped in but she is hyper mobile so she can slip out of restraints easier than some. She was gone 60 seconds. I ran around the shop demented and crying shouting for her and for help whilst my husband ran with our other twin to the main entrance to check she wasn't in the car park. When I found her she was counting the jams and marmalades totally unaware of anything going on around her, I fell on my knees, grabbed her and sat there crying for ages with kind shoppers and staff saying kind words to me. Like you everyone just rallied round to help. It took me ages to stop blaming myself. It's human nature for most parents to blame or worry about their parenting if they have a blip. You love your boy, you looked after him and you ran for your life and his to save him. You're doing great, lots of love and I hope your assessment goes well and is soon xx

please don't drink the wine or tomorow will be even worse. Have a hot, sweet tea and a hug, remind yourself that you are safe, he is safe, you are not an awful mother, you are simply human and he does not yet have a sense of danger.

My DSis ran into the road and ended up with a broken arm when she was 3 because DM had turned to hold DBro's hand. He was normally the bolter. DSis didn't have form.

DC are unpredictable. You acted quickly and your DS is fine.

"Do you know how amazing you are that you did not shout at him? You are the best mum he could have."

This is so true.

I totally get how shaken up you are. Hopefully you'll be able to stop replaying this in your head and thinking about the 'what ifs' - both of which are entirely natural reactions. But please stop giving yourself a hard time, we can't always be two steps ahead, risk assessing every situation the instant it arises - that would be some kind of superpower.

You are not a bad mother, it happens to everyone. I'm so glad your son is okay. When my middle son was around 2 or 3 we went to the small town i grew up in. Santa was parachuting at the little airport. My dh, myself and my two DSs (other son was 6 or 7). Santa landed, everyone ran to him. Suddenly we realized we did not know where ds2 was. My DH and I were frantic. It felt like forever, but was probably a minute or two and we found him running down the runway all by himself. He's 28 now and I still remember the fear. Hugs to you.

Bless you OP, that sounds so scary! Glad you are both ok x

dont beat yourself up. we're always so quick to blame ourselves in these situations. when my youngest was 2 she wandered out of her own birthday party, i didnt notice because i busy with food and everything (community centre setting) but thankfully my mum saw her and ran out after her scooping her up just as she was about to step into the road. Its very scary and i felt so guilty for not noticing because had my mum not seen her ... god knows what would have happened.

i know how you feel about your legs giving way too, thats happened to me but not when chasing my little ones, it was my own silly fault but i thought i could run across a 4 lane road while the cars were still on a red light but as i was a quarter of the way over the lights changed and they all drove towards me. my legs turned to lead and i just couldnt lift them and i face planted the road. bloody drivers just went round me! thankfully some passerby helped me up. (never done it since). anyway, please just chalk this up to parenting and dont blame yourself xx

Between the ages of 2-4 I literally couldn't take my eyes off DD for a second incase she bolted. She had zero road sense. Starting school calmed her down but I barely left the house for over 2 years!

Oh goodness you have had a hell of a day OP! You are a brilliant Mum!

These things really do happen, I recently had a stupid one that made me feel like shit, I didn’t cut my DS’s chicken into small enough pieces for his lunch (a perfectly controllable regular occurrence that I failed to do right one time) he took a piece and instead of nibbling like he normally would he put a whole chunk in his mouth and started choking. I was so bloody terrified I pulled him out of his high chair and immediately started trying to dislodge it and it felt like a lifetime until he finally coughed it up. I’ve never been so utterly terrified in my life and he went straight back to eating like nothing had happened (after I’d cut the chicken up smaller!) - I didn’t settle after that for such a long time and was so worried to tell DH when he got home. He just hugged me and said “well done for acting straight away and not freezing up.” Then he made me a few strong cups of tea and let me have a cry.

Oh wow OP what a shock, it happens to everyone, my DS once bolted in a shop and ran towards the exit and busy car park. I had DD in a prom and in those few seconds it seemed like the distance between us was enormous. Thankfully a man grabbed him before he ran into the road. The main thing is he’s ok, and you’ll keep a firm grip on him from now on, like I did.

You were in an enclosed space and you knew exactly where he was and what he was doing. Their personalities alter all the time OP, you are not to blame at all. You weren't standing next to the road were you, try and look at the positives, the things you did right, like keeping an eye on him, like shouting as you saw him leaving etc. A glass of wine calms my nerves, so it might do you some good, just dont get drunk.

I daresay every mum has a horror story about a child running off, falling off the bed or similar. It doesn't make us bad mums, it makes us human. Don't beat yourself up over it.

DS2 once got out our locked front door. We didn't realize he'd learnt he could tippy-toe and turn the deadbolt. We didn't even know he knew how the deadbolt worked! Ended up having to put a lock 6 feet up to keep him corralled.

Just remember that you are definitely NOT alone in this!