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Original poster

Moody DS, 10, ruining everything

102 replies

Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 10:56

Arrrgh any advice how to deal with a moody ten year old?

DS has never been a particularly positive child. He was very shy and anxious as a toddler and younger primary school and refused to join in any extra curricular activities out of school, birthday parties etc (and got in such a state about it, almost full blown panic attacks).

Now he is a little better in that regard (he even does a small drama club once a week) but he is such a meant, negative person that it is really getting me down. I am single parent and also have DS, 7, who is completely opposite, positive, bubbly personality.

We have had a week off school and everything has been an effort, I’ve been left in tears most days, all activities we have had planned, from family climbing session to just going to my parents for dinner has been met with moans, tears, near tantrums, refusals. He always seems to have something wrong, headaches, sore throats, sore arm etc etc (but magically clear up when he’s doing something he likes - for e.g. he had a sleepover last night and was fine)...

He does a music lesson once a week and has started moaning and crying about going: he was keen a lot of money has been invested in lessons, kit etc but now it’s become another punishment for him and us!

I’m so drained. He just wants to hang around playing computer games, but that makes him in even more of a mood.

I feel so bad for DD, I asked her what she wanted to do today and she mentioned a park but then looked sad and said “but DS will just moan’.

Honestly it’s taking over everything, he hates school, any organised activity, any spontaneous activity we do together et etc.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping for with this message, maybe just some advice - or is anyone going through similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 10:57

Sorry I have DD 7 not another DS

OP posts:
LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 15/02/2020 11:03

I would take the games console away. Tell him if he manages a trip to the park without moaning and spoiling it for his sister he can have an hour on it when he gets back.

honesttogod · 15/02/2020 11:07

Sounds like the computer is becoming the be all and all. My 8 year old goes through stages like it and I had tears for an hour last weekend so he's not had any games console all week.

honesttogod · 15/02/2020 11:07

End all*

bookmum08 · 15/02/2020 11:19

Does he need to go to the park with you? Could he stay home for an hour or so by himself?
If he isn't enjoying the music lessons then stop them.

ShawshanksRedemption · 15/02/2020 11:48

I think there is anxiety here but also manipulation to get what he wants.

I would consider what was happening in his early formative years to make him feel anxious - was it around the time you split with his dad for example? Could that help you see how he is the way he is, that maybe these are coping mechanisms he has learnt to help him with his feelings? Then as he's got older, he's learnt to use those same mechanisms to get what he wants?

But the ultimate aim is for him to learn more healthy coping mechanisms, build his self-esteem, build resilience. How is he at school?

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 11:49

I would he happy to stop music lessons but he requested them, we waited a few months before buying the kit (he begged for Xmas) and now suddenly two months later he adds it to the list of things he moans about :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 11:50

At school he is okay, quiet and shy but had two or three close friends. He is about middling academically

OP posts:
DuploTower · 15/02/2020 11:52

Get rid of the games console.

My son was like this, even when I tried to regulate it, an hour or so at the weekend if he did him homework etc.

It was a fecking nightmare until I just got rid. Haven't looked back since. He's a new kid.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 15/02/2020 11:54

Does he have any social difficulties?
I would get rid of the computer games except for a specific time, for example Sunday afternoon. So he doesn't feel like if he wasn’t at the park/music lessons etc he could be gaming.

adaline · 15/02/2020 11:54

He sounds very anxious.

I was also a child that hated being forced to go to parties and activities and such - was so relieved when I was old enough to just stay home on my own! Even as an adult I prefer my own company and don't like forced socialisation.

Can he not stay at home alone occasionally? I doubt a 10 year old really wants to hang out with his 7 year old brother in his free time, tbh. Maybe he just wanted to chill during his holidays without a constant stream of activities and days out?

Whynosnowyet · 15/02/2020 11:58

Def limit the tech. Ds 11 is down to week ends only. Lunch and chores mid day and if that's all fine he is allowed back on. Dh has a timer on his Switch so he can't go over the allowance.

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 12:00

He may be socially anxious... but then if things are on his terms he is fine ( e.g. sleepover last night). If it’s something anyone else wants to do (go to my parents house, go climbing etc) then he is a nightmare . He could stay in by himself, but I don’t really want to leave him in the house glued to his console while the rest of us are out being sociable or even just doing something nice together :( that makes me feel sad..

OP posts:
Mrspimplepopper · 15/02/2020 12:01

Please look up sensory processing disorder. My dd 8 is just diagnosed and displayed all the anxieties your ds has.

CakeandCustard28 · 15/02/2020 12:02

Could be social anxiety? Limit the computer and tech though, maybe even take it away for a period of time to see if his behaviour improves.

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 12:03

How much time is he allowed @Whynosnowyet?

OP posts:
Mrspimplepopper · 15/02/2020 12:03

We had our gp refer ds to occupational therapy, after 3 years of ds struggling socially and refusing parties or day trips out the OT diagnosed sensory processing disorder and are working with us and ds to help

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 12:04

I think he has around one hour a day on school days: more at weekends (maybe an hour or two on switch). That does seem a lot. We also do family film nights

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 15/02/2020 12:04

Let him drop the music, as that only affects him
Yep, the money wasted is annoying, but that is money lost anyway

However, it is unfair that his sister be deprived of going out and he is far too young to be left at home for these outings

  • he sounds like he'll be too immature for that for a few years yet

I agree with pp about banning the games console:

Keep it as a reward - for one hour only - that he has to earn in the evening
During daylight hours, the console should be locked way, so that it is never the alternative option if he manages to block you going out

Also the other things he wants, like that sleepover, should have to be conditional on reasonably good behaviour over the week, including going on family activities.

bookmum08 · 15/02/2020 12:05

Maybe he liked the idea of the music lessons but found the commitment of going on X day at X o'clock has turned it into a chore. I can be a bit like that with activities. Especially in winter when all I want to do is hibernate.
I don't always agree with the 'get rid of the console' brigade. If that's his interest then go with it. Is there a local computer game club he could go to that's a drop in style rather than a 'class'? Maybe a local board game cafe he could go. Not computer games obviously but often games that are on a similar interest theme (Pokemon for example).

UndertheCedartree · 15/02/2020 12:06

I'm sorry to hear things are so hard. It sounds like there is a lot going on for him, particularly around anxiety. I would take him to the GP.

Take your DD to the park and let your DS chill at home, today. It sounds like you need a break from each other and will be lovely to have 1:1 time with your DD.

BigChocFrenzy · 15/02/2020 12:07

If you decide to keep the console - rather than selling it - cut right back on how often and how long he can use it

Maybe lock it away for a month or two and see if behaviour improves
With the warning that it will be sold if he whinges for it

BigChocFrenzy · 15/02/2020 12:11

An immature 10-year-old with problems can't really be left at home for a few hours
Also, it would reinforce his hermit tendencies

If he were an only child, it would be different, but his sister shouldn't be deprived of normal outings

bookmum08 · 15/02/2020 12:13

Also like to add that my 11 year old is currently being assessed for sensory processing disorder (and other things) and her games consoles are possibly the most important thing to her so instead of taking them away we have embraced it as a hobby.

UndertheCedartree · 15/02/2020 12:14

@Notcool1984 - I think if 'things are on his terms' he's ok because then he's in control so anxiety is low. The other situations he is not in control so anxiety is high.

Don't worry about leaving him at home while you are being sociable and having a nice time. Being sociable all the time is not enjoyable for him and he won't have a nice time (and neither will you and DD). Just plan to go for the park for an hour - he doesn't have to use the console (not that I would have an issue with that) - he could watch a film, read a book, do some art...whatever he finds relaxing with a nice drink and snack.