Moody DS, 10, ruining everything

[Notcool1984]

Arrrgh any advice how to deal with a moody ten year old?

DS has never been a particularly positive child. He was very shy and anxious as a toddler and younger primary school and refused to join in any extra curricular activities out of school, birthday parties etc (and got in such a state about it, almost full blown panic attacks).

Now he is a little better in that regard (he even does a small drama club once a week) but he is such a meant, negative person that it is really getting me down. I am single parent and also have DS, 7, who is completely opposite, positive, bubbly personality.

We have had a week off school and everything has been an effort, I’ve been left in tears most days, all activities we have had planned, from family climbing session to just going to my parents for dinner has been met with moans, tears, near tantrums, refusals. He always seems to have something wrong, headaches, sore throats, sore arm etc etc (but magically clear up when he’s doing something he likes - for e.g. he had a sleepover last night and was fine)...

He does a music lesson once a week and has started moaning and crying about going: he was keen a lot of money has been invested in lessons, kit etc but now it’s become another punishment for him and us!

I’m so drained. He just wants to hang around playing computer games, but that makes him in even more of a mood.

I feel so bad for DD, I asked her what she wanted to do today and she mentioned a park but then looked sad and said “but DS will just moan’.

Honestly it’s taking over everything, he hates school, any organised activity, any spontaneous activity we do together et etc.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping for with this message, maybe just some advice - or is anyone going through similar?

You pick your battles. Yes, he must behave when visiting grandparents. But he doesn't have to go to the park.

The average NT 10 year old is fine to be alone for w bit. If the 12yo "guideline" is NSPCC the wording says that they shouldn't be left for long. So leaving a 10yo at home for 10 hours while you work is not ok but going out for 30 minutes to the park or a supermarket is fine.

Leaving a child alone is a step with a big range. Some 8/9 year olds can be left for short periods while some 10 yo aren't ready. I suspect it's pretty unusual for a NT secondary aged child (11 years) never to be left alone though.

I personally would have left the 10yo at home (no Xbox or screens) while I went out with dc2. Leaving with screens is rewarding his choice not to go out.

It sounds like your son needs a digital detox. While I can sympathise with the disappointment about the end of a gaming session, being moody afterwards is a ban the next day here. (And an earlier bedtime)

First off, I found my son seemed to get all the teenage angst stuff going on at 10, and then he had totally chilled out by the time he went to secondary school. So this could be a big factor.

Someone earlier in the thread suggested sensory processing disorder, and I would echo that. My son had SPD, and dyspraxia, and he was like this. In which case think really carefully before removing the games console. Sometimes these children are not being influenced by or addicted to these - they are simply finding their safe space, the same as they do at a younger age by walking the edge of the playground, or always standing at the back of the queue.

This was my son at 10. He too was an extremely anxious child, right from babyhood. So much of what you say rings bells with me. Just as difficult, just as challenging - but with no other child to compare him to. He is now (and always has been, under it all) a wonderfully sensitive, caring young man, successful at university and well-loved by everyone who knows him. This other stuff is quite possibly a response to overwhelm - hormones adding into that.

If you do take away the games console, be sure to supply some other way of finding safety - maybe books, DVDs, board games even.

His avoidance (including the console) is classic of overwhelm. I think you could maybe ask school for him to get an assessment for SPD or similar?

Take care, OP - sending love - I know it's hard

It sounds like his screen time isn’t too bad compared to others and I’m not sure that’s the only problem. I do think he is being a spoilt brat at times. We do still go out and no he doesn’t get to dictate when we do, just he has a face on while we are out and I have to literally cajole him to get him out the door and his sister is getting fed up (although the person saying her childhood is being ruined: I don’t think it’s gone that far!) he’s just generally moody and mardy, hard to please and complaining and it’s a downer for our household

My youngest is a moaner and also a spoilt brat thanks to my DH. She has a bit of a screen addiction. One time we went out, and as soon as the moaning started, she was given a warning - that one more thing said in a whinge voice, one asking how much longer we would be out, one moan she was hungry, one moan about a random ache and she would be on a screen ban for the rest of the day. We had such a laugh with it because as soon as she opened her mouth, she would have to check herself and stop whatever she was about to say. She had a few near misses. My other daughter loved it too and it has now become a regular feature of our outings.

How is it possible to leave a ten year old with no screens? You physically removed all electronic devices from house? But yeah I feel he is too young... also don’t want him to miss out on family time because he is being grumpy :(

Does he see his father?

@doritosdip Yes, it's true that an NT 10 year old can be left alone for a short time, but not an anxious child for what would be well over an hour. I leave DD1 on her own sometimes whilst I pick DD2 up from an after school activity or from a play date or party.

I think the key question is, how would the 10 year old cope with an unforeseen circumstance, for example a fire, or somebody at the door?

MrsGrindah I'm assuming you have young children ? Because in my area navigating buses and trains often across county isn't unusual for secondary school aged kids. The planning for this will begin in year 6 aged 10. They're expected to get on with it by year 7.

Decent parents raise children to become independent, sensible and responsible. It makes for decent adults..........being left alone for an hour or so should be happening by the time to get to 10.

Yes he sees his dad three days a week and yes he moans his head off with him too!

@Notcool1984 we can block screen time on all devices so even alone he would not be able to use them. Pushed to leave him alone with no screens I would also switch off the WiFi and hide the box. Never had to or want to though.

No you are wrong I don’t. I’m not judging just offering an opinion.

And plus, the OP would be giving in to her DS, which wouldn't be a good thing. Also, a child addicted to screens needs to have a more active lifestyle. I know the grumbling is annoying, but you need to learn to tune it out. For example, I say to my DDs that I don't respond to whining and just ignore them. It actually works once they realise that you're serious.

@too ok to pm you?

Some kids seem able to cope with screens and self-moderate; others can't
Maybe like some adults with gambling or alcohol ?

@daftoldbat yes that’s fine. Thank you.

I hear you! I have one ds7 like this. Our other kids are cheery most of the time. He has always been different, moody, anxious, school refusing etc., but ok if he is in control of the situation. I have been told all sorts about spoiling him, too strict, screen time etc over the years by well meaning friends (and also myself quite often) but the reality is that he struggles with modern life and is unhappy. Being super strict just makes him worse (unlike my other kids) but he does need boundaries. I would be wary about removing screen time all together- my ds uses the console as down time to recover from school (30min). Before we had it, he would lie on the floor with his duvet and cry. I found it helpful to stop applying general parenting advice and actually find what worked for him as an individual.

Try picking one issue to work on. We fought negative words by adding an elastic band on my left wrist when he moaned and right wrist when he was positive, with a reward if he ended the day with more positives (he was younger than your ds though). There are good ideas for older kids in a cbt book called “what to do when you grumble too much” by Dawn Huebner . You discuss and read the book with your ds and apply the ideas as you go.

Keep trying stuff, you will find a way through. Don’t put yourself and your parenting down, or listen to smug know-it-alls. Every kid is different. It’s a shame he’s miserable and there will be ways to make it better for him and the whole family.

oh, I probably should mention that we are also getting help fromCAMHS. Your son may not be struggling enough to refer but as pp have said it’s worth bearing in mind that he may have a mild sensory or anxiety disorder, just to read up about. Don’t be tempted to dismiss him as merely stubborn or spoiled without finding out how his brain might be working.

What sort of games is he playing? I would imagine that hours spent playing beat-em-up/shoot-em-up type games will manifest differently in terms of mood compared to the same amount of time on screens playing logic/cooperative type games or sudoku/scrabble type things. Any way you could swap the games around or suggest board games with the family instead of console time?

Some kids seem able to cope with screens and self-moderate; others can't

Mine seem to be at worst when the game or the device is new. Novelty wears off and then its back to normal. Fortnite though... its shit.

Console would be gone in my house. Loads of people here will tell you that will just "trigger" anxiety but I think we have to be particularly cautious with kids with additional needs. My son knows consoles are not part of his every day life. At the moment he might get one hour on one weekend day alongside his dad so it's not a solitary hobby either.
Gaming isn't essential to growing up and if it starts to have a negative impact on other areas of life it has to go. I expect a kick off for a while and then he'll find other stuff to do (like kids used to have to).

Sounds a bit like it could be a personality trait that may never change.

Does this read familiar?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3692913-to-share-the-things-my-BIL-has-moaned-about-whilst-staying-at-our-house-for-the-past-3-days

He plays Roblox mostly

@CrimsonCattery ahhh oh no, not good to read!