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Original poster

Moody DS, 10, ruining everything

102 replies

Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 10:56

Arrrgh any advice how to deal with a moody ten year old?

DS has never been a particularly positive child. He was very shy and anxious as a toddler and younger primary school and refused to join in any extra curricular activities out of school, birthday parties etc (and got in such a state about it, almost full blown panic attacks).

Now he is a little better in that regard (he even does a small drama club once a week) but he is such a meant, negative person that it is really getting me down. I am single parent and also have DS, 7, who is completely opposite, positive, bubbly personality.

We have had a week off school and everything has been an effort, I’ve been left in tears most days, all activities we have had planned, from family climbing session to just going to my parents for dinner has been met with moans, tears, near tantrums, refusals. He always seems to have something wrong, headaches, sore throats, sore arm etc etc (but magically clear up when he’s doing something he likes - for e.g. he had a sleepover last night and was fine)...

He does a music lesson once a week and has started moaning and crying about going: he was keen a lot of money has been invested in lessons, kit etc but now it’s become another punishment for him and us!

I’m so drained. He just wants to hang around playing computer games, but that makes him in even more of a mood.

I feel so bad for DD, I asked her what she wanted to do today and she mentioned a park but then looked sad and said “but DS will just moan’.

Honestly it’s taking over everything, he hates school, any organised activity, any spontaneous activity we do together et etc.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping for with this message, maybe just some advice - or is anyone going through similar?

OP posts:
marns · 15/02/2020 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whynosnowyet · 15/02/2020 12:15

2 hours in the morning and 2 after lunch. I drag him out on a dog walk most days for the fresh air!
Tbh the days he has been banned from gaming his mood is so much better. Def a connection...

MissDollyMix · 15/02/2020 12:16

We have the same children I think! My DS is 9 and hates everything and everybody at the moment. Currently sitting sulking in his bedroom (having slammed the door first and kicked his father) having been asked to get off the computer. Also have a bubbly 7yo Dd! They are a contrasting pair. Not really able to offer advice. I’m pretty sure my ds does struggle with social anxiety to a degree and probably has a level of sensory processing disorder too but I haven’t sought help for it yet. It’s helpful for me to read some of the other comments on this thread.

tomatoesandstew · 15/02/2020 12:48

I think you need to consider the family dynamic here and how you are feeding back to each other.
You come across feeling overwhelmed and struggling to cope with him and finding it hard to feel positive towards him. This is understandable but he is likely to pick up on it and that will affect the dynmaics and how anxious he feels.
It may be useful to look at some parenting support to help shift the dynamic.

Lots of kids chop and change their interests and activities. I did. My brother on the other hand was not interested at all.

It may be worth limiting games use but if this is just seen as a punishment for him finding social interaction difficult i think it will make your problems worse.
Take the pressure off both of you.
There are different options here - you could take an interest in gaming or electronics - take him to a kids computer club.
Stay in and watch videos and make popcorn.

Let him chill out at home, get on with your drama club,
I don't think he's being manipulative he's a young child trying to make his way in the world and its not that easy for everyone especially if he feels like he is not living up to your expectations that he should be invovled.
Lots of kids have awkward phases and they grow out of them. It's not easy for you.

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 13:31

Thanks @tomatoesandstew this is really advice. I do get frustrated about his attitude a lot and I’m sure it’s not helping :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 13:32

@MissDollyMix sorry you have similar situation!

OP posts:
3luckystars · 15/02/2020 13:51

Any chance he has aspergers??

In another year or two you can leave him at home. Good luck.

Harriett123 · 15/02/2020 14:18

I agree with a couple of pp the games console is driving the bad behaviour.
Get rid of it completely for a period of time then allow him to earn the time back with good behaviour.
If hes too tired / sore / sick to do family activities he is uncertainly too sick to play on the console.
My DSS has lost access to tech for weeks at a time for being a grumpy guts about everything other then tech.
He gets it at the weekend for 2 half hour session one in the afternoon and 1 in the evening ( hes 7) and 1 half hour session in the evening after school.
Now even the threat of taking away tech time stops the moany complaining.

Hagbeth · 15/02/2020 14:26

Like several people on this thread have suggested you should remove the game console. You haven’t responded. Why not?
Är re you afraid he’ll have an epic meltdown? If so - all the more reason to remove it.

IVflytrap · 15/02/2020 14:28

Sounds like depression and anxiety. Children can have depression, even from a young age. I would take him to the GP and look into counselling.

Toria70 · 15/02/2020 14:30

Sounds like it's all done for attention, and he's getting it. My eldest DD was the same. But you're giving him negative attention as opposed to positive.

So you reward the good behaviour with enthusiasm, and ignore all strops, demands and attention seeking behaviour. It may nearly kill you, my DD pushed every bloody button I had, but we did come out the other side. And completely cut out the screen time, my DD was massively affected by this and it made her behaviour even poorer.

You have to play fair with all of your DC, and at the moment, the younger is not having their needs met. I felt so desperately ashamed when my two youngest told me that they hated their sister for ruining everything for them.

BarbarAnna · 15/02/2020 14:32

I think the console will be a big thing. We were struggling with our two over Christmas and I got them gratitude diaries which definitely helped with their moods - they have to write down things they feel grateful for and who bought them joy. Would this be something he might do?

I am a bit surprised people are suggesting the first stop is the GP. I would try removing the console first.

Delorean · 15/02/2020 14:47

No need to place a rapid label on him.
Drop the music lesson he clearly doesn’t enjoy it so nobody’s benefitting from that.

He’s just spending too much time on the console. Try one day on, one day off. Removing completely it’s too cold turkey, videos games are an addiction after all.(Yes, I’m a gamer).

During one school holiday my son was the same. Took it away and he was miserable for half a day and then reverted back to his old school, finding things to entertain himself with and more importantly playing with his sister again like they always used to so.

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 14:57

How long do your kids have on screens per day? Trying to figure out if we are above average!

OP posts:
FishCanFly · 15/02/2020 14:57

Don't jump to diagnoses just because one kid doesn't enjoy the same stuff as the other. They are their own separate personalities.
Take your DD to the park and leave him home. But not on console. He can read a book or find other things to amuse himself with.

belay · 15/02/2020 15:05

I have a 13 year old and we removed the console in June and it's not coming back. He was just like you describe and my anxiety was through the roof with his behaviour and attitude. It. Is addictive

MrsGrindah · 15/02/2020 15:09

Can’t believe how many people are suggesting leaving a 10 year old on their own!

HRH2020 · 15/02/2020 15:09

Do you put activities on a planner so he can see what's coming up, ie dinner at your parents or social event? I have found it helps to talk about it in advance "remember on Saturday morning we are going to the park for an hour" then there are fewer tantrums. In my case DC hates any kind of "get your coat on" surprise activities and has done since he was a toddler. We do also let him choose if he wants to go to parties or not.

In our case DC is autistic but the approach could work well with other anxious children.

hippoherostandinghere · 15/02/2020 15:09

What is he playing and on what console. It could be the game that's affecting his mood. DS is like a different person when he's been playing xbox compared to without it.

Lailaha · 15/02/2020 15:15

Wasn't there a report only last week demonstrating links between screen time and anxiety in children? An hour a day on school days seems an awful lot, and there are other reports showing gaming can trigger addiction responses in the brain. I really would start by cutting that down drastically.

bookmum08 · 15/02/2020 15:20

Out of curiosity did you actually go to the park? The weather is pretty shite today (storm Dennis). If there is ever a day for staying indoors today is one of those days.

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/02/2020 15:28

I’d honestly get him tested for ASD.
He is showing a lot of symptoms- meltdowns, sensory processing issues, social anxiety such that can only enjoy socialising at home, avoidance of going out to busy/crowded areas, inability to communicate without coming across as rude or mean, etc.

Original poster
Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 15:38

No he doesn’t have asd, no teacher or health professional has ever suggested that and I’m certain he doesn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notcool1984 · 15/02/2020 15:40

He could well be addicted to his computer though.
We haven’t had it on today. His behaviour has been okay, apart from moody as usual (and a sore head that appeared at suggestion of park but disappeared now). Part of my wonders if I’ve spoiled him. I’m not very strict or shouty and he does seem to explode with emotion, I wonder if it’s the easiest way he gets his own way.

OP posts:
FishCanFly · 15/02/2020 15:44

Can’t believe how many people are suggesting leaving a 10 year old on their own!
Why not? We're not speaking about a holiday.