Moody DS, 10, ruining everything

[Notcool1984]

Arrrgh any advice how to deal with a moody ten year old?

DS has never been a particularly positive child. He was very shy and anxious as a toddler and younger primary school and refused to join in any extra curricular activities out of school, birthday parties etc (and got in such a state about it, almost full blown panic attacks).

Now he is a little better in that regard (he even does a small drama club once a week) but he is such a meant, negative person that it is really getting me down. I am single parent and also have DS, 7, who is completely opposite, positive, bubbly personality.

We have had a week off school and everything has been an effort, I’ve been left in tears most days, all activities we have had planned, from family climbing session to just going to my parents for dinner has been met with moans, tears, near tantrums, refusals. He always seems to have something wrong, headaches, sore throats, sore arm etc etc (but magically clear up when he’s doing something he likes - for e.g. he had a sleepover last night and was fine)...

He does a music lesson once a week and has started moaning and crying about going: he was keen a lot of money has been invested in lessons, kit etc but now it’s become another punishment for him and us!

I’m so drained. He just wants to hang around playing computer games, but that makes him in even more of a mood.

I feel so bad for DD, I asked her what she wanted to do today and she mentioned a park but then looked sad and said “but DS will just moan’.

Honestly it’s taking over everything, he hates school, any organised activity, any spontaneous activity we do together et etc.

I don’t even know what I’m hoping for with this message, maybe just some advice - or is anyone going through similar?

Weekends/School holidays both my DCs are not allowed on screens from 9.30am to 4.30pm. So phones/consoles/TV. It is when they wouldn't be able to go on during school hours during term time so that is why we picked it.

They can get up and use before 9.30 (but have to be dressed/had breakfast first) and after 4.30.

I found otherwise we would have the reluctance to do other stuff/grumbles if I suggested an outing. Or they'd still be in their PJs faffing at 11am having got sucked into the screens.

Introduced it about 3 years ago when oldest was a similar age. We still stick with it now (they are 11 and 13).

FishCanFly
Two reasons really. First, it’s too young in my opinion to be left alone and be sure they will be able to cope if anything happens . Second, it’s not really solving the problems is it and effectively rewarding the moaning etc.

Well, he's doing it because you give in and he gets his own way.

When did children get a say in the day to day running of a home? It's debate club, for fucks sake!

You need to start telling him he's doing something and then you do it. Whether he whined or not.
Once he realises it doesn't get him anywhere, he won't do it.

Your other child is having their childhood ruined by a spoilt brat with an addiction to his computer.

You can force him, but don't expect him to enjoy it. Of course he'll be unhappy when he didn't want to go in the first place. Kids don't have to do everything together all the time

My DS is 10 he always finds things to complain about too like walking the dog etc, I think he does it to show he is an individual now who doesn’t necessarily want to do the same things we do. It’s fine it’s just finding himself and we just do the stuff anyway. No tears or tantrums or even huffing really just moaning🙄.
DS is allowed 1 hour on his Xbox 3 weekdays and 1.5 hours each day at the weekend. He doesn’t always have the time though. He would also be addicted to playing on his phone given half a chance.

I am a bit surprised people are suggesting the first stop is the GP. I would try removing the console first.

Agree 100%. Why the need to make everything about a condition?

The only arguments we have in the house are to do with gaming. My DSs dont heed warnings, they get angry when they're not allowed to play, they get angry when they are playing, and they get angry when it's time to switch it off. There is literally no joy coming from gaming.
I keep resisting getting rid of them because they both chat to pals on them too; and I know how crap it would be if they were the "only" kids in their class who didnt have them. But I'm getting closer and closer to them being chucked out. (The consoles, not the kids 😅 )

@BobbyBlueCat harsh the OP never once said they don’t continue doing the planned activities!

My DS is only allowed at home alone for 40 mins max maybe for a short wet dog walk or a trip to aldi.

And we tried limiting to specific times, eg sunday afternoon for an hour - but that was worse as it meant we couldnt do anything else without them asking when we'd be going home or constant "what time is it?" Etc

What are all these games that are making children so angry? My girl plays Super Mario, Mario Kart, Pokemon, Minecraft etc. All fun games. Perhaps all the angry children have the wrong games.
(sigh... why do all these threads become anti console threads?)

Bloody hell
Asd
Sensory problems
Addicted
Anxiety

Perhaps he’s just a spoilt child who gets away with murder because he can.

Like several people on this thread have suggested you should remove the game console. You haven’t responded. Why not?
Är re you afraid he’ll have an epic meltdown? If so - all the more reason to remove it

Op this is me . Literally . I am starting a parenting course after half term to give
Me skills to address this very issue

One son gets all upset afterwards , it’s like he has had a dirty cigarette and hates himself
And elder child - 11 and same issues

It’s bloody hard as in principle I don’t mind a few hours here and there but since their dad left it’s gone crazy and when I try and remove it they go mad
I feel desolate about the whole thing

No advice but much empathy , this gaming is such a new issue it’s hard to get solid and concrete data how much it’s causing these moods

10 is a funny old age. A bit too old for going to the park with mum and little sister but perhaps a little too young to go with a friend. Have you tried letting him bring a friend along on some of your outings to see if that makes a difference? As for the clubs, again kids your son's age interests do chop and change, so I would encourage hobbies etc but not force. I would cut back on his gaming time though. Give him an hour or two in the evening while you're cooking dinner and clearing up and that's it.

What are all these games that are making children so angry?

Fortnite . It’s the devils creation

The moodiness/anxiety may be due to perceived lack of control. If it's possible to give a couple of options on activities and let him choose. I found out I was effectively unwittingly being over-controlling. Giving choice in relatively minor areas can be very empowering for kids (and liberating for parents too). My child was having big anxiety issues at this age. I had to do a massive rethink. Things have improved hugely but it took a while. Be kind to yourself. You are doing your best.

Can’t believe how many people are suggesting leaving a 10 year old on their own!

Don't be so ridiculous @MrsGrindah

Children that age take themselves to and from school, the park etc regularly in this country. Do you live outside the uk?

pjmask no, what on earth does that have to do with it?

It’s my opinion that 10 is too young. Each child is different but guidelines suggest under 12s are too young to be left on their own.

You have my sympathies OP as my DD2 can be a bit like this at times (minus the console issue). It is so draining . Interestingly she also has a bubbly sibling although in this case it is an older sibling.

daftoldbat, I don’t want to derail but would you mind sharing some of the things you did to improve things?

@geekone -

"I feel so bad for DD, I asked her what she wanted to do today and she mentioned a park but then looked sad and said “but DS will just moan’."

The OP did.
And even worse than the mother changing activities to suit the son, it's the poor youngest child who is already not suggesting activities that she wants to do because she knows the hassle it'll cause.

Dd is 10. He gets an hour iPad time in.the week, then 4 hours Xbox over the weekend. Probably gets a couple of ho u rs iPad at weekend too.

He does sound like my DD1, who is also 10. And similar to you, DD2 (7) is bubbly and sociable and has lots of friends. It's different in our case, as both our DDs are adopted (and birth siblings), and DD1 had a head injury at 6 weeks old, which happened when she was in foster care, which caused sight and hearing loss, hence she has to wear glasses and hearing aids.

She also can be moody, moan that she's tired, and cold, when she's being told that it's time to get up in the morning. She can become violent when thwarted, and will throw whatever is to hand, and has lashed out at me, and DD2, though she does this much less often now. But she did break the iPad they shared by kicking it viciously.

She does also say she doesn't want to go to activities, but we've persevered in encouraging her to go (firmly sometimes), and she now loves Guides and she and DD2 both do choir as an after school activity in the main hall.

We've found that DD1 actually really needs boundaries and routine, and she gets anxious when there's an unexpected change, and that's what regularly causes her to lash out.

Parents need to be in charge, and it's reassuring for children if this is the case. This is particularly true for children who suffer from anxiety. My DD1 rigidly expects consistency from DH and me, and complains if we're not for any reason. She also doesn't try to bend the rules, unlike DD2.

It's tough to be firm with children, particularly children who are anxious, but it does eventually improve things in the hone.

He just needs to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around him. So it’s going to involve negotiations and him learning the art of give and take. He joins in a family activity without moaning and he earns tech time. He ruins a family activity and he loses tech time. I would restrict tech time though, tbh my 11 year old is only allowed on that stuff at weekends, and an hour a day in school holidays.
He gets to drop the music lessons but you sell the kit and you keep the money. I would also introduce some basic chores which he gets paid pocket money for.

Ds knows that any moaning about Xbox means he loses time on it. Both dc lose time if they're twats. They also know I won't cave, no matter how much they try to manipulate me.

I can't really advise on screen time, as it's something we're trying to work out ourselves. But it's very easy for children to become too dependent on using iPads or iPhones. We try to make sure they have screen breaks.

Ds can also be v negative, which drives me nuts,but I was a really negative kid who grew into a happy adult.

Possibly spoilt, as you say, you know your child, we don’t.

The sore arm/head etc are classic distraction signs/excuses.

I agree with others, remove the console entirely. No half measures.