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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To shut dds bedroom door?

103 replies

Burntoutboobout · 15/02/2020 10:40

Dd is 19 months and has never slept through the night ever. She’s in a bed so just gets out and comes into the living room if she doesn’t sleep. Sometimes I have to put her back in bed 30+ times before she will sleep and usually I have to lie with her or breastfeed her to sleep just in order to get a rest. She will get up in the middle of the night and come walking to the bedroom which I find wakes her up completely and then wants to play for hours 😔

I’m on my own with her as OH travels for work and is gone for weeks, sometimes months at a time.

I study full time and have my grades are starting to suffer because I’m so sleep deprived. I honestly just feel like dropping out. I’m so depressed and lonely, every day is just a constant battle to get through because I’m so tired. I have to nap every day because I’m so tired from getting up 6+ times a night.

I have tried gentle sleep training methods but anything that involves leaving her to cry I haven’t been able to bring myself to try because of the dreaded mum guilt

The other night I ended up shutting her door because I found myself getting frustrated after putting her back in bed repeatedly, it was after 10pm and I was just so exhausted. She cried for a minute and then got herself back in bed and went to sleep. She even pulled her blanket back over herself

My aibu is to ask is this cruel? Do you think she will feel trapped/caged in? She has never slept in a cot and has always had free reign of the house. I wouldn’t let her cry longer than a minute or two because I’m not comfortable with that. Am I damaging her? I just really need to break this habit

Any tips of night weaning off the breast would also be very appreciated!

OP posts:

Original poster

Burntoutboobout · 15/02/2020 10:40

Sorry that was so long

OP posts:

reginafelangee · 15/02/2020 10:42

If her reaction to the door being shut is to get in to bed and pull the covers up then go for it.

Nquartz · 15/02/2020 10:43

When DD was young I saw a couple on this morning who ended up having to shut their child in their room at night for the same reason, they had overwhelming support on the phone in.

Do what you gave to do to sleep, if she'd cried for hours I& you'd ignored her then I'd say you were cruel but she cried briefly & then went to sleep.

Hotpinkangel19 · 15/02/2020 10:44

I could never do it personally.

WinterCat · 15/02/2020 10:44

Isn’t this why many parents put stair gates across their children’s doorways?

WinterCat · 15/02/2020 10:45

If she is getting up in the middle of the night and walking out of her room, is she still safe? What about stairs etc that she can fall down? There is a huge difference between locking a child in a room to be ignored and keeping them safe whilst still being a responsive parent.

Hoik · 15/02/2020 10:46

If you don't like closing the door then safety gate across it? She can't get out but you can still see in.

For night weaning I went cold turkey with all of mine. I wore a vest tucked into pyjama bottoms and a high necked top/tshirt over the top to prevent easy access and stop them helping themselves. If they woke up it was cuddles only, no feed. The first couple of nights were rough and we had one or two temper tantrums but then by the third night they got the idea that milk was for day time only.

Original poster

Burntoutboobout · 15/02/2020 10:51

@Wintercat we live in a very small one floor apartment so I can hear everything. I can even hear her snoring when she has a cold so not so much a risk.. there’s a baby gate on the kitchen so she can’t access it but everywhere else is baby proof. I’m wondering if I try and move the baby gate to her door instead and then leave the door open. I just worry because the house is so small if I have a shower/ watch tv it will wake her if the door is wide open (it’s usually shut to just before the latch if that makes sense). I’m already unable to use the kitchen after she goes to sleep because even running the tap for water wakes her up!

We are moving to a bigger place in May

OP posts:

Love51 · 15/02/2020 10:52

Shutting the door is fine. Locking it isn't!
Mine always had a Stairgate across their door as it was a 2 up 2 down, so no hallway, straight out of the room to the staircase.
Honestly sleep deprivation isn't any better for her than it is for you, so don't feel you are being cruel by teaching her to sleep.

DivGirl · 15/02/2020 10:55

Some people always shut the doors for fire safety reasons so I wouldn't say it's cruel.

I tried this with mine but he just became hysterical. If yours just gets back into bed and goes back to sleep I reckon you've cracked it.

WinterCat · 15/02/2020 11:02

One of my children is an incredibly light sleeper and we found playing loud white noise in the bedroom helped. Maybe it’s worth seeing if that helps to prevent your DD being so disturbed and lets you use your kitchen in the evening?

My children have their bedroom doors closed at night. One is still in their cot but the others had gates across the doorway until they were big enough to climb them.

MamaGee09 · 15/02/2020 11:06

I’ve always fully closed our children’s room doors from being tiny babies and they aren’t now teenagers. I was told that if a Fire broke out and the room doors were closed then they had a better chance of survival so I’ve always done it.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/02/2020 11:06

You should be shutting doors for fire safety any way. A toddler does not need "free roam" at night, they need sleep.

MamaGee09 · 15/02/2020 11:06

Are teenagers not aren’t!

cochineal7 · 15/02/2020 11:07

What you did sounds perfect and worked exactly as it should. No need to feel guilty.

Mulledwineinajug · 15/02/2020 11:08

I would close the door or put the gate on the doorway, and I’m very gentle parent co-sleeping type.

raspberryk · 15/02/2020 11:09

I've always shut the door, doesn't everyone?
Most people also have stair gates for this reason too.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 15/02/2020 11:09

DS has always had his door shut at night (and the handles are high in our house so he can’t reach them). Now he won’t go to bed if the door is open?! We have a monitor though and if he wakes up we’ll always go in to check him but never thought I was doing anything wrong for shutting the door

Mulledwineinajug · 15/02/2020 11:09

If she was hysterical and terrified I wouldn’t! But if she got back into bed under the covers I certainly would.

LettertoHermoine · 15/02/2020 11:09

Absolutely go for it!!

Namechange8471 · 15/02/2020 11:11

Mine slept on her own from 5 months, always with the door shut and no lights on! Like pp said don’t feel bad for helping her try to sleep!

bridgetreilly · 15/02/2020 11:12

It's completely fine. If there's something actually wrong, presumably she's capable of crying loud enough to get you to go to her. She doesn't need to be wandering the house at night: she needs to sleep, and so do you.

MethodToThisMadness · 15/02/2020 11:16

The other night I ended up shutting her door because I found myself getting frustrated after putting her back in bed repeatedly

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. You took yourself away from a situation that was stressing you out and your daughter settled straight away. Maybe having the door open is keeping her awake? I would try shutting it once she's asleep and see if that makes a difference- obviously if she is distressed, then rethink it, but you both need a good nights sleep.

notjustamother · 15/02/2020 11:20

Yep I always used to shut the door or use a stair gate when the kids were little. I thought that was normal??

ineedaholidaynow · 15/02/2020 11:22

As others have said you are meant to shut doors for fire safety (assume more from a smoke point of view).

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