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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To shut dds bedroom door?

103 replies

Burntoutboobout · 15/02/2020 10:40

Dd is 19 months and has never slept through the night ever. She’s in a bed so just gets out and comes into the living room if she doesn’t sleep. Sometimes I have to put her back in bed 30+ times before she will sleep and usually I have to lie with her or breastfeed her to sleep just in order to get a rest. She will get up in the middle of the night and come walking to the bedroom which I find wakes her up completely and then wants to play for hours 😔

I’m on my own with her as OH travels for work and is gone for weeks, sometimes months at a time.

I study full time and have my grades are starting to suffer because I’m so sleep deprived. I honestly just feel like dropping out. I’m so depressed and lonely, every day is just a constant battle to get through because I’m so tired. I have to nap every day because I’m so tired from getting up 6+ times a night.

I have tried gentle sleep training methods but anything that involves leaving her to cry I haven’t been able to bring myself to try because of the dreaded mum guilt

The other night I ended up shutting her door because I found myself getting frustrated after putting her back in bed repeatedly, it was after 10pm and I was just so exhausted. She cried for a minute and then got herself back in bed and went to sleep. She even pulled her blanket back over herself Confused

My aibu is to ask is this cruel? Do you think she will feel trapped/caged in? She has never slept in a cot and has always had free reign of the house. I wouldn’t let her cry longer than a minute or two because I’m not comfortable with that. Am I damaging her? I just really need to break this habit Sad

Any tips of night weaning off the breast would also be very appreciated!

OP posts:
Nearlyalmost50 · 15/02/2020 12:39

Shutting the door is a good idea as it makes it darker. Locking is a no-no.

Not only are you getting poor sleep- so is your child! She cannot be well-rested getting up 30 plus times, being up in the night, being constantly in an ongoing battle to keep your attention even through the night. I cannot understand why this is 'gentle' or sensible- children need help to learn to sleep as they need help to learn to toilet train or whatever, some do it naturally and some don't and your little one clearly needs help!(I do know someone who didn't want to help their child toilet train though and they were still soiling at six so there's always one person who takes gentle too far).

I wouldn't be mean, but I wouldn't tolerate this ridiculous palava every night. Your grades are suffering, that means your job opportunities in the future will suffer- this is actually stupid to sacrifice this for a time she will never remember. I wouldn't do anything awful, simply say 'night-time now' and return to bed without eye contact and speaking every time, basically I'd Super-nanny it. I would shut the bedroom door every time.

Nothing mean, nothing drastic, but the dance doesn't need to go on for years unless you want it to. I have done sleep training with one of mine at 8 months, leaving her to cry for short times- she would fuss, then fall asleep for 12 hours. I wouldn't suggest that with a 19 month old as they can climb out of bed, and also you dont' sound like you can tolerate much crying, but a simple not engaging and returning to bed (without getting in, without chatting, without playing) would probably work pretty well if you did it properly.

Stripyhoglets1 · 15/02/2020 12:40

Go for it as long as she doesn't get hysterical for ages it's sounds like she accepted the shut door meant she needed to sleep.

gingercat02 · 15/02/2020 12:40

We always closed the bedroom door to keep our cats out so ds gas slept with his door closed since he slept alone in his cot

BlueJava · 15/02/2020 12:41

Just do what you need to in order to get some sleep. Perhaps I'm tough but I put both boys in their cots, said goodnight, walked out and shut the door. I was very clear I didn't expect them to come out again until the morning. This may seem harsh but otherwise it's setting them up for not learning how to settle themselves and get to sleep.

Rosebel · 15/02/2020 12:46

It's not cruel as it helped her go to sleep and as you said she only cried for a minute. Might help her associate a closed door with sleep and it's better to get used to the door being closed at night. It took months to get my eldest used to sleeping with the door shut. Mind you she's nearly a teenager now so never leaves it open.
Honestly don't feel guilty, hopefully you've cracked her going to sleep. Good for you and her.

Alsohuman · 15/02/2020 12:47

You’ve found the solution and you’re questioning it? What kind of bonkers world is this? Of course it’s fine to shut the door!

SallySun123 · 15/02/2020 12:57

Close the door and get a camera baby monitor you can talk through. My DD would wake but if I shushed or reassured her through the monitor she’d often just go back to sleep. I’ve been slated as a lazy parent for doing it but it worked for us.

Also it’s really distracting listening out for a baby when you’re trying to study. Can you get any family help in the evening? Or even a baby sitter when you have deadlines. Good luck.

Original poster
Burntoutboobout · 15/02/2020 12:58

She has a night light also, I actually bought one of those groclocks thinking that would help 😂 nope! It does give off a lovely little glow though and I’m able to see how long I spend in there Grin I also play loud noise to drown out everything but it doesn’t seem to help.

I do feel like this has maybe cracked it! I might try moving the gate and see how that goes but otherwise will keep on just closing her door. I’m off for half term so going to try wean her off the boob now, I’ve tried previously but have ended up caving. Pp who said breastfeeding peaks around now, god I’m so happy to hear that I had no idea what was going on! She feeds endlessly! Fingers crossed it all goes to plan!

The real kick in the teeth is that at nursery she will just climb into bed when they tell her it’s nap time.😒

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 15/02/2020 13:09

I've always shut dd's door.i don't want to have to sneak around my house in the evening. Dd is 2, so once we move her out of her cot and into a bed i'll be putting a stair gate on her door to keep her in there at night

mistermagpie · 15/02/2020 13:09

Wouldn't occur to me not to shut the door! My kids have always had their doors shut from when they went into their own rooms. My youngest son is nearly three and still sleeps in a cot mind you and the oldest has a stair gate on his bedroom door (he can open it but likes it as he can lock his brother out during the day) so I'm probably extra cruel.

It's normal to sleep with the door closed, and safer if there's a fire. If it helps her to stop messing about and go to sleep then do it!

mistermagpie · 15/02/2020 13:10

Cats here also, so doors need to be closed.

neveradullmoment99 · 15/02/2020 13:13

Move the gate to her bedroom. My dd used to do this and for the first few times I found her sleeping on the carpet!! She soon learned. Could you have her in with you? Another option.

neveradullmoment99 · 15/02/2020 13:14

My dd would sleep on her own in my bed, but not in hers!!

neveradullmoment99 · 15/02/2020 13:15

She settled so well.

BrendasUmbrella · 15/02/2020 13:15

Honestly I've never not closed their bedroom doors! I didn't know leaving them open was even a thing Grin

neveradullmoment99 · 15/02/2020 13:16

What if she falls asleep behind the door? I wouldn't.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 15/02/2020 13:17

Well the average 19m old is probably in a cot so I can't really see the difference, as long as you have a video monitor (you must do to know what she did with the covers). Whatever works as long as she's not distressed!

MidsomerBurgers · 15/02/2020 13:24

What if she falls asleep behind the door? I wouldn't.

What if there was a house fire? You could push the door open. If it was already open she would likely be affected by smoke inhalation.

For safety reasons, your doors should all be shut at night.

www.london-fire.gov.uk/safety/the-home/bedtime-checks/

GrandTheftWalrus · 15/02/2020 13:24

I have a baby gate across dd room. If she gets up she plays with her toys then usually goes back into bed.

FreakStar · 15/02/2020 13:25

Your biggest mistake is not having a cot for her. Why?

itsgettingweird · 15/02/2020 13:26

Stair gates are your friend!

And if your dd is like my son and will just "build stairs" to get over it - use a dog gate!

If she isn't distressed and it's just because she can and self settles them you aren't harming her.

FreakStar · 15/02/2020 13:27

Ignore the mumsnet fire risk obsessives. At 19 months most are in a cot with the door shut.

Camomila · 15/02/2020 13:34

I also put DS1 in a toddler bed at 18m, he could climb over the top of the cot and I was scared he'd fall over and hit himself on the head (laminate flooring, no carpet)

greeneyedlulu · 15/02/2020 13:34

Sounds fine. She sees the open door as an invitation out but understands that a shut door means get in bed to sleep. Crack on and enjoy the sleep

Ohyesiam · 15/02/2020 13:37

Sounds like sues been waiting for you to close the door.

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