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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To shut dds bedroom door?

103 replies

Burntoutboobout · 15/02/2020 10:40

Dd is 19 months and has never slept through the night ever. She’s in a bed so just gets out and comes into the living room if she doesn’t sleep. Sometimes I have to put her back in bed 30+ times before she will sleep and usually I have to lie with her or breastfeed her to sleep just in order to get a rest. She will get up in the middle of the night and come walking to the bedroom which I find wakes her up completely and then wants to play for hours 😔

I’m on my own with her as OH travels for work and is gone for weeks, sometimes months at a time.

I study full time and have my grades are starting to suffer because I’m so sleep deprived. I honestly just feel like dropping out. I’m so depressed and lonely, every day is just a constant battle to get through because I’m so tired. I have to nap every day because I’m so tired from getting up 6+ times a night.

I have tried gentle sleep training methods but anything that involves leaving her to cry I haven’t been able to bring myself to try because of the dreaded mum guilt

The other night I ended up shutting her door because I found myself getting frustrated after putting her back in bed repeatedly, it was after 10pm and I was just so exhausted. She cried for a minute and then got herself back in bed and went to sleep. She even pulled her blanket back over herself

My aibu is to ask is this cruel? Do you think she will feel trapped/caged in? She has never slept in a cot and has always had free reign of the house. I wouldn’t let her cry longer than a minute or two because I’m not comfortable with that. Am I damaging her? I just really need to break this habit

Any tips of night weaning off the breast would also be very appreciated!

OP posts:

OverthinkingThis · 15/02/2020 13:41

We've always kept DS's door shut at night to keep the cat out. He's a fab sleeper. We did use a video monitor until recently for peace of mind.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2020 13:42

On ending BFing, a brilliant tip I read on here was that, if you normally feed at their bedtime, then at yours / middle of the night some time, start doing the 10.30pm (or whenever it is) feed ten minutes earlier each day. Eventually it gets so close to the child's bedtime feed that they don't want it, so it fades out naturally.

Whereas, if you try just removing that feed, what happens is they'll keep waking up for it, maybe a bit later, totally disrupting your sleep.

Thetigeronthewobbelboard · 15/02/2020 13:42

100% reasonable in my eyes. She didn’t cry her eyes out. She understood it was bedtime and went to sleep.

Disclaimer: I have two children who don’t sleep well. I’ve tried everything gentle and am at the end of my tether now and feel completely like I’ve failed them. Children need sleep.

redwoodmazza · 15/02/2020 13:44

My father was in the fire brigade all his life and as a child, we had ALL our bedroom doors closed at night. He always advised that it was a 30 minute barrier in case of fire. Maybe with the advent of smoke detectors, this is not quite so important? I don't know.

Anyway, our DS slept with his bedroom door closed. When he was big enough to get out of his bed [converted cotbed], I put the safety gate outside his bedroom door so he was still confined to his bedroom. He used to get back into bed and I would close his door again the next time I went past it.

You are NOT being cruel. Remember you could make a rod for your own back if you start a soft routine. It should be your rules.

Good luck!

Smurf123 · 15/02/2020 13:47

This image has been going round Facebook after being posted by a firefighter who was telling parents to close their children's bedroom door. We have started closing ds door tight now as a result. He's 23 months and in a cot still so he can't get out anyway. He isn't bothered by the door being closed and it doesn't sound like your dd is either.
We did the gentle sleep training with ds at able 18/19 months. It took a few days but he did pretty well at it although I had stopped bf a few months earlier as he was getting up multiple times a night just to feed.

Jellybeansincognito · 15/02/2020 13:51

Go for it!
I think there’s too many parents pandering to their children when they should be asleep at the detriment to their own mental health.

Stop it!

Howdidido · 15/02/2020 13:53

The fact that she just took herself back to bed suggests shes not too upset about it and also that she CAN go to bed alone. She just doesn't want to when she can come and play with you!
Shut the door. When you put her to bed tell her that shes not to get up until you come to get her (I'm sure you do that already!) And the you are shutting the door but will come and see her before you go to bed and will be next door etc etc
For weaning- try feeding before bedtime starts. Shift the milk to an earlier time and explain there will be no more later. But carry on with usual routine otherwise. And be strong about that!
It's tough but nothing you're doing is hurting her- it's just setting boundaries that she needs to help her settle herself.
I agree- I couldn't let them cry for more than a minute or two (and even that is torture... I had to watch the clock to check I wasnt running in after 10 seconds!) But theres a difference between distressed crying and whiny crying. You know you're DD and will know when it is one or the other

Good luck.

And never feel guilty about doing what you have to do to survive! In the long run having a non- exhausted mum, and even longer, one who doesn't resent her baby for her missing out on life/degree will be happier for everyone.

Howdidido · 15/02/2020 13:55

The fire door thing is a really good point I have never thought of... I shut DDs door after she has fallen asleep. She says she doesn't like it being shut but I've explained it as else she'll get woken by her dad snoring but glad I do having seen those pics

TheTeenageYears · 15/02/2020 14:00

We have always had all bedroom doors closed at night and both DC were in their own rooms at a few months old. Make sure you have a working smoke alarm in her room though. Definitely don’t close the door without one.

BogOffJanuary · 15/02/2020 14:10

8 months ago I was you with my DS at the same age so I genuinely mean it when I say I understand your exhaustion.

If it works for your DD - if she’s not crying for hours and banging to get out etc - then do it. If I’d found a solution as simple as that one I’d have grabbed it with both hands. If you’re still undecided you could do what I did - put to bed over and over and over and hope to fuck they grow out of it soon (and he did! Now 24 months and sleeps through!!!)

BogOffJanuary · 15/02/2020 14:10

Edit, meant 26 months not 24!

dippyeggsandham · 15/02/2020 14:17

I shut my kids’ bedroom door (they share a room) due to fire safety. It deems logical for you too if it makes her go to sleep

Janus · 15/02/2020 14:33

Smurf, that’s a very powerful photo, I’ve not seen that before.
Hotpinkangel19 and a couple other posters, why would you ‘absolutely not’? We’ve always had cats so I’ve always shut doors but put a baby listener in there so that when downstairs I can always hear them. Is that why you wouldn’t? Just curious really!
I would absolutely if you get more sleep too. I have found one of ours fast asleep the other side of the door when they were moved into beds, just have to gently push the door to move them!

TeeniefaeTroon · 15/02/2020 14:54

We've always kept bedroom doors closed, for fire safety plus to keep the cats out of the rooms.

OscarWildesCat · 15/02/2020 15:03

I was in your position when my DS was the same age, I did and within a few nights he was sleeping through.

BrutusMcDogface · 15/02/2020 15:12

I see it’s unanimous to have the door shut, as it seems to work for your little one.

I am also wondering why on Earth you don’t have a cot for her, though?

ineedaholidaynow · 15/02/2020 17:27

Has the photo of the fire damaged door changed anyone’s mind who said don’t shut the door?

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2020 17:37

This is your solution, why query it? Everyone will give you their take on it, but you need to do what works for you. This works, so keep on doing it. It’s a no brainer.

Original poster

Burntoutboobout · 15/02/2020 18:11

@BrutusMcDogface we coslept and then she went straight into a floor bed.

OP posts:

neveradullmoment99 · 15/02/2020 18:49

Has the photo of the fire damaged door changed anyone’s mind who said don’t shut the door?

I don't like having the door closed on my children's rooms. I like to know that if my children are ill during the night, I can hear them calling me. I'm not sure I would with the door closed. They also would hate the door closed. My ds hates sleeping with the light off.

neveradullmoment99 · 15/02/2020 18:50

Of course, I could close them once they are sleeping. Maybe that is an idea.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/02/2020 19:02

DD has been in her own room since 5 months and we always shut the door.

She slept better with the door shut and you'll be able to hear her if she's distressed. I don't see why you wouldn't do it!

TeacupDrama · 15/02/2020 19:23

closed door and no lights on
when DD slept in our room for first 6 months it was no light on when she went into her own room in cot still no lights door shut ( i could hear baby monitor she is now 10 still sleeps in complete darkness with lights off
we live rurally so it is properly dark and quiet
she had real problems sleeping when on a youth club weekend away and someone wanted light on
apparently scientifically we sleep better in the dark and if it possible to get child to sleep in complete darkness it is best as it is better sleep hygiene but still better to sleep all night with a wee light on than be up several times a night scare dof the dark

Sceptre86 · 15/02/2020 19:26

Mine are 3 and 2 and after bath and story time they get tucked in, loads of kisses and then door closed but not locked obviously. They usually come out several times, but each time it is back to bed with a cuddle, kiss but no words. It is getting better for me and I would persevere, you need rest too

Waveysnail · 15/02/2020 20:15

I'd shut the door if you can still hear everything. We had baby gate on dc doors as we lived in a big house. I usually found them asleep infront of the gate around that age. They didnt cry just sat infront of gate chattering to themselves.

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