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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To shut dds bedroom door?

103 replies

Burntoutboobout · 15/02/2020 10:40

Dd is 19 months and has never slept through the night ever. She’s in a bed so just gets out and comes into the living room if she doesn’t sleep. Sometimes I have to put her back in bed 30+ times before she will sleep and usually I have to lie with her or breastfeed her to sleep just in order to get a rest. She will get up in the middle of the night and come walking to the bedroom which I find wakes her up completely and then wants to play for hours 😔

I’m on my own with her as OH travels for work and is gone for weeks, sometimes months at a time.

I study full time and have my grades are starting to suffer because I’m so sleep deprived. I honestly just feel like dropping out. I’m so depressed and lonely, every day is just a constant battle to get through because I’m so tired. I have to nap every day because I’m so tired from getting up 6+ times a night.

I have tried gentle sleep training methods but anything that involves leaving her to cry I haven’t been able to bring myself to try because of the dreaded mum guilt

The other night I ended up shutting her door because I found myself getting frustrated after putting her back in bed repeatedly, it was after 10pm and I was just so exhausted. She cried for a minute and then got herself back in bed and went to sleep. She even pulled her blanket back over herself Confused

My aibu is to ask is this cruel? Do you think she will feel trapped/caged in? She has never slept in a cot and has always had free reign of the house. I wouldn’t let her cry longer than a minute or two because I’m not comfortable with that. Am I damaging her? I just really need to break this habit Sad

Any tips of night weaning off the breast would also be very appreciated!

OP posts:
Firsttimemama2017 · 15/02/2020 11:22

We have always shut my daughters bedroom door while she's in bed, more 5o stop her being disturbed by noise than anything else. She has never seemed to mind...

Tombliwho · 15/02/2020 11:32

Surely its safer for her door to be shut than for her to be able to wander around freely! Not sure why anyone would say yabu.

jigsawmaniac · 15/02/2020 11:38

We have always shut my wee boy's door, for fire safety and because we have a cat who likes to try to sleep on his bed! It's always been fine and has never upset him.

Wannabangbang · 15/02/2020 11:47

Put a stairgate up, your prayers will be answered

iNamechangedforthis123459 · 15/02/2020 11:53

I would put a stairgate up and then shut the door once she is asleep.

Bluetrews25 · 15/02/2020 11:56

Letting a child cry for a few mins will not cause any harm.
Letting the child cry for hours and being ignored is completely different.
My DCs were allowed to cry a bit, they learned to go to sleep by themselves and as a result they had a happy rested Mum. They grew up fine and are both graduates who still seem to quite like their Mum!
You would be unreasonable NOT to do this for your own sake and to allow your child adequate rest.
You are doing a great job - please keep going with your studies, build your brighter, better future. You can do this!

Seriouslyconfused3 · 15/02/2020 11:56

I’d put her in a cot frankly or stick a baby gate on her door. Nothing wrong with a little bit of sleep trying in my opinion. I had a living hell with dc1 until I let them cry (at the age of 2) within a couple of days it was sorted.

Sleep should not be underrated

nearlynot · 15/02/2020 11:56

DC just slept in bed beside me, latched on and then kept on sleeping. I did it for years and got a lot of quiet time to work on the laptop, read and watch netflix etc in the evening. I can't imagine going back and forth all night for no reason. BF also tends to peak at 19-22 months around the time of a cognitive or vocab explosion, it's a time mums commonly describe their toddlers as feeding like newborns, it passes. I also considered what I would look back on and feel happiest about.

Seriouslyconfused3 · 15/02/2020 11:57

*training not trying

LittlePaintBox · 15/02/2020 12:04

My sons were both terrible sleepers till about the age of 2, then they got the hang of it. I was very against leaving them to cry, but had to try controlled crying (where you go in and settle them again every 5 minutes till they get bored and go to sleep) with the older son because I was getting no free time at all in the evenings. Much to my surprise, it worked just as described - one evening and he got the idea that we were still there, but we were not going to play with him!

Now I'm a granny of 2 children who were left to 'self soothe' as babies, and they did go to sleep in the evenings because they knew nothing much was going to happen if they cried for a long time. Of course, this worked because they were in cots when they were being trained. I'm still not sure I'd do that myself as it feels a bit unnatural to leave a small baby to cry, however half-heartedly. They're both very happy children, so I don't think they suffered emotionally. The key seems to be knowing that you're there.

If she goes to sleep if the bedroom door is shut, I'd go for it. The stair gate might be worth trying, but she might just lean up against it and shout or cry for you.

Stopping night feeding a baby who still likes the boob is (IMO) just a question of removing the supply, as a PP says.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 15/02/2020 12:08

Why can't you put a baby gate on her bedroom door opening? We have lots of cats and were worried about them getting into the cot/bed with her when DD moved into own room but weren't comfortable shutting her door so we put a stair gate on it (and put some of those toys on springs on the top to discourage the cats jumping over)

MrsTidyHouse · 15/02/2020 12:11

Those of you who close the doors completely, is the room in near-total darkness, or do you use nightlights? Just wondering, as DC hates the dark.

ActualHornist · 15/02/2020 12:12

Just keep the door closed.

Regarding night weaning - I just stopped. Just no, not anymore. Never felt any guilt about it, or about making my kids sleep in their own beds.

Bagofoldbones · 15/02/2020 12:16

I close my dd door too but don’t fully shut it.

Get a gate

ineedaholidaynow · 15/02/2020 12:16

We had a plug in night light so gave off a small glow

StripeyDeckchair · 15/02/2020 12:20

Shut the door, it's fine.
One of mine has always been sensitive to light & noise at night. The door has to be closed but life elsewhere in the house carrys on as usual.

I was always wary of creeping around the house once the baby/child was in bed - it's not usual behaviour and seems to set them up to be easily disturbed for ever.

jeremypaxo · 15/02/2020 12:21

I shut DD's bedroom door from six months on and felt zero guilt! You could always put the baby monitor on if you're really worried. She needs to learn to self settle though. You sound knackered! Hope it's resolved soon.

MimiLaRue · 15/02/2020 12:25

I wouldnt shut the door, no.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 15/02/2020 12:30

@MrsTidyHouse we close the door, DS is fine with the dark because he's used to it, in fact we only recently made the connection between the nightlight on the vapour plug (when he's snotty) and restless sleep, I just assumed it was the nasal congestion waking him, but a small piece of black tape over the light bit and he sleeps like he usually does. We do have a monitor with night vision so can keep a check on him

BlueEyedFloozy · 15/02/2020 12:30

YANBU - it's basic fire safety and she clearly wasn't upset by it.

A friend of mine had a house break in and the police reported her to SS for having a stair gate on her 2yo's door, they didn't do anything about it but did explain that it could obstruct the child's escape route if there were a fire and should the worst have occured they it could be brought up during investigation. This was in early 2000's though so not sure if this is still relevant!

BlueEyedFloozy · 15/02/2020 12:33

As for night weaning, I paid close attention to DD and as soon as she stopped taking milk and comfort sucking I would take her off and only offered one breast (alternating throughout the night). After a few days she seemed to think it wasn't really worth while for the sake of 2-3 minutes.

Sofonisba · 15/02/2020 12:34

30x a night and you're worried about closing the door??

My DS was up 10 times a night and that was enough for me to just give up and co-sleep instead. That brought it down to 0 times a night with no effort required!

lanthanum · 15/02/2020 12:36

She cried for a minute and then got herself back in bed and went to sleep. She even pulled her blanket back over herself.

There's your answer - it clearly didn't do her any harm - and she got off to sleep.
You'll hear if she's genuinely distressed, and the closed door is better for reducing noise and in the unlikely event of a fire.

Sofonisba · 15/02/2020 12:37

Also surely if you live in a small apartment and you leave her door open, it's quite likely that she's waking up because of the light and noise you make in the evening? My kids bedroom door has always been closed because it opens almost directly onto our living room.

Gatehouse77 · 15/02/2020 12:39

We used a stair gate across the bedroom door. It stayed open if they stayed in their room but was closed if they didn’t. When we went to bed we would open it as they were ‘allowed’ to come in in the mornings.