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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do your kids to at their grandparents houses?

117 replies

Snugglemonster84 · 15/02/2020 09:05

Morning. My kids are 6 and 9. Boy and girl. They have an extremely close relationship with my parents. We see them every Saturday for a few hours. My parents house has always been filled with toys for them and my parents always play with the kids the whole time we are there. Card games, board games, toys etc. Will play outside during the summer too.
This past 12 months the kids have started to get bored there (my parents are in their 70s). Particularly my eldest. There is also no Internet there. They've started to say they don't want to go anymore. Aibu to feel sad about this? My parents live for my kids and I know it's natural as kids grow older, but I just feel sad for my mum and dad.

My in laws we see every Sunday. They are in their 60s. They expect the kids to sit quietly whilst the adults talk. My kids have always hated going there but of course we still do. The kids understand the grandparents want to see them and are well behaved.
Any advice on how to keep everyone happy? Should they come up to our house all the time instead? My husband enjoys his only few hours alone on a Saturday and he wouldn't like them up here every week as my dad is very interfering

OP posts:
Penelopeschat · 15/02/2020 22:13

Get you and your Mum a membership to National Trust and somewhere that’s fun locally. She must have had a very isolating life, this would probably be a wonderful chance for her to get out weekends with you and grandchildren! Your Dad sounds very very unfair.

mrsBtheparker · 15/02/2020 22:59

My grandchildren have very busy lives with school, after-school, Scouts et al, Rugby, they have little down time so if they come we try to let them veg a bit but they also get put to work if stuff in the garden needs doing etc. or they make their own meal which they enjoy. So many children seem to be very time-tabled lives these days.

Oxfordnono12 · 15/02/2020 23:20

I would be encouraging more time, maybe change up what they do together. Could they take up a hobby? Could the grandparents teach them something they learned when younger etc.

Introducing electronics in just going to bring them further away. But if you do decide to that may include the grandparents, maybe have the kids teach them something

My kids love their grandparents they are in their 70's. They have taught them so much. My boys gathered up an old swing set and redone it, Stripped an engine of a quad, cut up sticks, fixed fences, they have done so so much together and continue to do so. They have just finished making a tobar for their buggy to fit the trailer they built together.. So much they do together its amazing. I love the relationship they have them. They are from a farming background.

Please dont limit the the time or stop them from going. Find a new interest for them to build their relationship.

Oxfordnono12 · 15/02/2020 23:22

Also, my kids see their grandparents parents every Saturday and sometimes during. When we have loved ones their NEVER to much time to spend with them. The memories/skills they will have can be amazing.

SnowyRacoon · 15/02/2020 23:23

I could of wrote this post, my youngest aged 8 does not want to visit my parents any more because he said there is nothing to do! They have Internet but his PS4 is at my house so that probably is it! Once he gets there his is fine and he bakes and does lots of other stuff, getting him there is the problem! Gl OP!

TeensArghhhh · 15/02/2020 23:32

I have my grandchildren 3 times a week for their parents to work.

They have age appropriate toys here. They play with the dog (supervised). We bake cakes for them to take home for tea. We visit the park and have picnics (or splash in puddles if the weather allows). We take walks in the forest and collect leaves, acorns etc that we then use for art sessions.

How can your dc be bored at GP’s? Maybe you should leave them with grandma and go home - so they can have good, old fashioned fun 😉

SnowyRacoon · 15/02/2020 23:34

When do you get time to yourself OP?
When does your DH spend time with you and your kids?

Sounds like your scared to change your DH routine and scared of telling both sets of GP that your kids are bored.

Fruitbatdancer · 15/02/2020 23:36

It’s tricky as they get older. Some things older grandchildren have enjoyed with my parents...
Darts! I think the danger element helps (young kids not allowed helps too!) also the building of fire pits and the build / using of a pizza oven - great for sitting/ chatting round but cool for kids to do. And gets them out in all temperatures.
Finally baking- if they have even a slight interest, my mum sits while DGS aged 14 knocks up brownies in assisted- she does the tidying up 😂 but he’s on his own! She drinks tea and chats while he takes control! You just need to mix it up a bit!

jomaIone · 15/02/2020 23:59

So every single weekend you sit at you parents one day and your ILs the next? You never take them to museums, parks, the beach, walks, bike rides, national trusts, soft play, farms etc...??? Your poor children must be bored out of their minds. Just because your dad is tight doesn't mean you have to neglect your children. Winter also doesn't mean you have to not go anywhere...

ineedaholidaynow · 16/02/2020 00:13

Maybe the DC just want to chill at home too

Marriedwithchildren5 · 16/02/2020 01:03

I shall remind my parents how lucky they are that we manage to visit once a week without tablets/phones/wifi /data Maybe I'm just lucky my parents interact and have a lovely home. Some of the suggestions on here are so entitled and really sad.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 16/02/2020 04:03

My Mum is in her early 70s and my DS is 11. Up until recently he went to her house every Saturday (all day due to me working). Things she does include:

Takes him for a guitar lesson (every 2nd or 3rd week).
Bakes with him.
Takes him to play / trampolining centres.
Does arts & crafts.
Card games, lego building.
Takes him out for lunch.
Go to the park (if its nice weather), sometimes they take a picnic.
Takes him to have his hair cut if he needs it.
They go shopping, they like to look around the charity and housy shops whilst out.
Go to the local makers & vintage markets.
Watch movies together (at home or sometimes they go to the cinema).
Take my sisters dog for a walk.
She also has wifi so he can use his phone to play games as well as access Netflix on that and on her smart tv if they are stuck indoors. She can sit and watch her tv and he can sit in another room an watch his, always a good gap filler!

Sat in the same house every Saturday doing the exact same thing and with no wifi access sounds like it could be a tad boring. You maybe need to mix it up a bit. Now I work less weekends my DM & DS still do these things but I now join in too. Could you not arrange to go out somewhere for those few hours instead? A cafe, a park, a play centre, a country walk, a picnic, a movie? Or do family baking (I love helping to decorate all the yummy cakes they bake). Taylor things to current events, go on an easter egg hunt together or set one up in the house, easter themed baking, family pumpkin carving session etc.

Brazi103 · 16/02/2020 04:32

This sounds like a very suffocating situation. This is all about pleasing adults. Why would you put your kids through that every single week??
I wouldnt blame them if they became extremely resentful. You already know that they dont want to , so why are you forcing them every single week.
what's wrong with once a month.

Brazi103 · 16/02/2020 04:40

Missed the part about the 12 months of your kids putting up with this. Why are you doing this to them?
I would feel such a horrible parent for doing this to my child just to please other people. What's wrong with monthly visits?
All the gp are extremely selfish and so are you for not listening to your kids concerns

adaline · 16/02/2020 07:16

To be honest I think expecting your kids to spend half their weekend with their grandparents is a bit ridiculous, especially as they get older.

Do they never want a day at home with their toys? What if they get invited to a party or for a play date - do you automatically say no because they need to see their grandparents?

joffreyscoffees · 16/02/2020 07:28

Wow. Every single weekend?!
How do you manage to fit everything else in that - ensure your kids have something fun to do, some downtime, food shopping etc?

Granted, my mum lives 6 hours away but she's lucky to see DD 4 times a year. That's what phones and picture messages are for.

Don't let your mum guilt trip you that she 'feels lost' - that's her trying to control you. Your kids are telling you they've had enough, listen to them.

Vulpine · 16/02/2020 07:59

Kids wants and desires aren't always in their best interests!

adaline · 16/02/2020 08:04

Kids wants and desires aren't always in their best interests!

It's also not in their best interests to spend 50% of their weekend with grandparents. As a one off or once a month? Fine. But every single weekend? Nah. It's not fair on them.

Children should have the chance to see their friends, go to activities or parties, go to the cinema or just be able to relax in their own home without any expectations on them.

I grew up seeing my grandparents every 2-3 years as they all lived abroad so I find the culture of seeing them weekly (or more) very bizarre.

Ellapaella · 16/02/2020 08:35

We go and see my in-laws maybe one Sunday a month, usually several family members will be there so the kids just play with their cousins while the adults chat, or in summer we might all join in with them playing football or games in the garden.
The kids go round maybe once or twice a month if we need a baby sitter and they will just play, draw or watch TV while there.

My parents live 250 miles away so when we go to see them we will stay for a few days. In the house they will just play but we have lots of days out and I also still have friends with kids back home so we meet up and spend time with them.
I don't think it's reasonable to expect kids to just sit quietly while adults talk. The kids won't want to go surely?

user1487194234 · 16/02/2020 12:38

We saw my parents most weekends when the kids were small
Now they are in their teens they still come most weeks,their choice
It was for maybe 2/3 hours,leaving plenty of the weekend for other things
Normally saw in-laws at some point in the week
Good for children to know it's not always about them
Mine have great relationships with grandparents and other extended family they would see when visiting
The idea of only seeing my parents month seems very odd to me
Each to their own

AutumnRose1 · 16/02/2020 12:43

OP I'm curious

how often do you want to see your parents?

I see my elderly mother twice a week and stay over. It's way too much. Before dad died I'd go for an afternoon every 3 weeks or so.

I didn't have grandparents but I would have been bored silly in the situations you describe. I'm not sure if you take the kids because the GPs want to see them, or if you see it as automatic family time. Also, do you never want to just see your parents or am I only seeing it like that because I don't have kids?

The whole thing needs reviewing I guess.

Mittens030869 · 16/02/2020 13:19

Speaking for myself, I can't think of anything I'd like less than having my DM coming every Saturday and going to my MIL's every Sunday. (They've both been widowed.) I like my space and to chill out with my own family.

But then, I have a complicated relationship with my DM because of the past (she didn't realise it when my F was sexually abusing my DSis and me. She now interferes a lot when we're disciplining our (adopted) DDs of 10 and 7. She jumps in and puts in her contribution, which drives me crazy, not helped by the fact that I'm thinking, 'What makes you think you're an expert on parenting?' I stand up to her now, so it's much easier now.

She does like playing board games with our DDs, though, which gives her a lot of pleasure so I grin and bear it now.

My MIL, on the other hand, lives a 3 hour drive away so we only see her 3 or 4 times a year. She stays with us, which works okay as long as it's for no longer than 3 to 4 days, as she's always tried to have a closer relationship with me than I want.. Or we see her at her house, staying in the local Premier Inn. This doesn't work well, as her house isn't set up for children and I feel like I'm spending my whole time telling the girls off, which makes it very stressful. (I don't have the easiest relationship with her anyway.)

What works best in both cases is if the girls' cousins are there, whether My DSis's DC or my BIL's DC.

I would suggest seeing them on alternate weekends. You could really do with some family time for yourselves.

adaline · 16/02/2020 13:54

The idea of only seeing my parents month seems very odd to me

Who said you could only see them every month? Nothing to stop you going alone to see your folks.

Clearly your DC enjoyed seeing their grandparents but forcing DC to spend half of all their weekends somewhere they don't want to be is counterproductive.

Mittens030869 · 16/02/2020 14:04

The idea of only seeing my parents month seems very odd to me

Whereas to me, seeing my DM as often as once a month would be too much. Anyway, she herself has her own life and spends 2/3 months in West Africa, where she runs her own Christian charity project (at 80 years old).

WarrenNicole · 16/02/2020 14:08

I agree with other posters. It’s really not fair to your children to have to spend their Saturday with one set of grandparents, and their Sunday with the other. Every single week. No wonder they are bored and don’t want to go anymore. It’s not fair to you either - is this really how you anticipate spending every weekend of your life?

Perhaps you should try spending one weekend together as a family, and the next with the grandparents. Even if you don’t have any activities planned, it is nice to spend time at home together too.

You should be less concerned about how your parents are going to feel about it, and more concerned about what your children are telling you. They need downtime. They need family time - you, DH and them, not always with their grandparents.