What do your kids to at their grandparents houses?

[Snugglemonster84]

Morning. My kids are 6 and 9. Boy and girl. They have an extremely close relationship with my parents. We see them every Saturday for a few hours. My parents house has always been filled with toys for them and my parents always play with the kids the whole time we are there. Card games, board games, toys etc. Will play outside during the summer too.
This past 12 months the kids have started to get bored there (my parents are in their 70s). Particularly my eldest. There is also no Internet there. They've started to say they don't want to go anymore. Aibu to feel sad about this? My parents live for my kids and I know it's natural as kids grow older, but I just feel sad for my mum and dad.

My in laws we see every Sunday. They are in their 60s. They expect the kids to sit quietly whilst the adults talk. My kids have always hated going there but of course we still do. The kids understand the grandparents want to see them and are well behaved.
Any advice on how to keep everyone happy? Should they come up to our house all the time instead? My husband enjoys his only few hours alone on a Saturday and he wouldn't like them up here every week as my dad is very interfering

We've not been on a few occasions if we've been poorly or something and my mum's complained to me they she's felt absolutely lost and didn't know what to do with herself all day so it makes me feel guilty

Well maybe they should leave the house and be less boring then?

My kids love their grandparents but they would hate having to go every weekend they have lives! They call on friends, the oldest makes plans to go out with friends, they have sports and sometimes matches or competitions or gradings.

I think DD4 prefers my parents house to our house! She has her own room, all her own toys, a space in the garden outside with whiteboards on the wall, and a seesaw, slide and bouncy castle in the summer. She’s the only grandchild so totally and utterly spoiled there!

My mum and dad are a lot more fun with her than they were with us, and they freely admit it 😂 my mum is kooky and is on the same wavelength as my 4yo, they have an amazing relationship. Always whispering and giggling and having their own wee jokes. Dad just shakes his head in despair at them! DD also gets to help him with odd jobs around the house that she’d never get to do here. She helped him paint the living room and put cupboard doors on in the kitchen.

They also have a labradoodle, he’s massive and drags my parents about everywhere when out walking. But when she has the lead, he is as good as gold. He is wonderful with her, it’s amazing to see.

Think your parents need to adapt to having young children about again, even just a little!

As long as you have a phone with data, you can use it as a hotspot so your children can run their tablets (and anything else that needs the internet) through it whilst at your parents’ house.

A mean grandfather doesn’t who won’t go out or pay any entrance fees doesn’t sound like someone who lives for his grandchildren - due to the way you describe him as mean, I am assuming he could afford the occasional trip out (especially since presumably you will pay for yourself and children and some places, such as soft play, often don’t even charge for adults or if they do it’s a token amount).

If your children are at school every day and then grandparents both days of the weekend, it sounds very monotonous and dull for them. No wonder they don’t want to go.

If your mum feels lost when she doesn't see your kids, I think you need to be honest with her. Tell her that the kids are growing up and getting restless at weekends, and involve her in coming up with your plan of how to mix it up a bit. Definitely agree that the current arrangement sounds boring for the kids.

When they were younger at my mums they would go walks, play dominoes, play games, read books, played with Lego, watch movies, play in the garden, now that they are older she has internet and they play on their phones joining in with conversation . My mum used to go on day a out with us or take the children out herself.

At the in-laws they’ve just always sat in the living room with books, colouring in things, that we took or now they sit on their phones and if there are more grandkids there than just mine they sit in one of the rooms altogether on their phones, I don’t think I can remember a time the children have been on a day out with in laws or seen them outside their home,

It's not your or your children's job to entertain your parents every single week.

Don't they have their own social lives? My parents have friends they see, my mum volunteers at the local national trust and dad with a local charity, mum does exercise classes & dad goes on hikes with a group of his friends. They also love to travel and they visit friends regularly. They wouldn't be free for us to visit weekly .

To answer the OP, my parents have Lego, a train set, various other toys. The GC range in age from 0-10, none have their own tablets or phones and in any case being glued to screens would not go down well with my parents. My parents will also taje the DC out - soft play for the younger ones, my dad takes football mad nephew to see a local low league football team play etc, parks, local attractions. My dad once spent a Saturday afternoon taking transport obsessed toddler DS around town on the bus, stopping off at the railway station to watch trains... free on his OAP pass!

If your parents are that desperate to spend time with them they need to accept they have to do some things the kids want to and adapt as they get older. That's it.

This past 12 months the kids have started to get bored there

They've started to say they don't want to go anymore

I don’t blame them. Is that what you want them to remember from their childhood? Boring days sitting at their grandparents house every weekend?!

Aibu to feel sad about this?

But this is your decision-you’re making them do this repeatedly when they don’t want to. I feel very sorry for your kids.

Your in laws are ever worse...They expect the kids to sit quietly whilst the adults talk. My kids have always hated going there but of course we still do.

Do your kids get to do anything fun at the weekend? Stop putting these, essentially selfish, grandparent wishes before your own kids, every weekend!

It’s good for children to be bored and learn to put others ahead of themselves. Get them books to read or a board game to play.
It’s sad when it’s all about what the children want.

What about suggesting you go on days out with the grandparents rather than just hanging out at their house? To the park, cafe, beach whatever. Or alternate weeks, so a day out one week and stay in the next week.

I also think you should see in laws less often. having the whole weekend taken up with visiting relatives is quite boring, dont you ever go on days out at the weekend just as a family?

It’s sad when it’s all about what the children want.

But this is never that, it's the opposite. The point is there ought to be a balance between visiting grandparents on their terms, and some weekends spent doing things a bit more suited to children that age.

If you are a sahm of school age kids get a job, even tempting to get some money together to fund more fun activities. Invite your parents and if your dad says no on financial grounds then take your mum anyway and leave him at home.
Cut visits down to once a month/go after school.
I've never heard of anyone having such a rigid routine of all weekends spent with their parents. I'd be bored, never mind the kids.
My kids gp's do all sorts with the gc when they see them, and outdoors isn't limited to the summer.
When I was a kid we played hide and seek, messed about in the garden, played games, watched tv sometimes, read, baked and cooked, painted/colouring in, with the gp as well as walks - chatting about interesting things we came across. Skimming stones. Fed the ducks.

My DS used to go to my parents house a lot. They had a Wii and my sister had an xbox, so he could play games if he wanted, but he would be out in the garden with my dad, helping him with carpentry projects, washing the car, going geocaching or fishing, or playing football. My mum would take him to the supermarket or he would help her make the beds and so on - it was like a home away from.home really, he did stuff there that he would do at home. He had toys and board games too, and my sister (who is 10 years older than DS) would take him out with her and her friends often.

I think a lot depends on the age and fitness of the grandparents, their interests and daily routines, and how long it has been since they had young children at home. My parents had a child in primary school still when DS was born, so they were used to children being around and it wasn't such a gap as if my sister was a similar age to me. My parents are in their late 60s now (DS is nearly 20) and still very active, they travel a lot, my dad plays walking football 3 times a week and my mum does yoga and goes to the gym, so I think that plays a part in how easy it is to entertain grandchildren, because it isn't as tiring.

It’s sad when it’s all about what the children want.

Its sad when it’s all about what the grandparents want.

I’d tell the grandparents that the kids have been asking to go out and about at the weekends so you’re going to make more of an effort to do that from now on. Tell them what you’re doing and that they can come if they want to (but don’t offer to pay for them!).

I think you need to get together with your DH and try and have a conversation with both sets of parents. (separately). Of course things can get stale for children as they grow up, need different things to do, and you need to get your parents on board with this. Mean Dad needs working on (it’s a common trait sadly, but be aware of financial circumstances) don’t let his parsimony spoiled things entirely for everyone, including his own wife. Look at getting a broadband/phone/TV package for them, I got the whole lot cheaper than what my parents were paying out for on a never updated phone only contract. Get your children to teach them a bit of technology, in return, encourage GPs to teach them something in return...cooking, birdwatching, gardening, anything to get the brains and muscles working, as it will stimulate them all.
Same with your in-laws, have the conversation, see what comes out of it. Everyone could benefit in some way, loving bonds are maintained, and if ever you should need help, then hopefully they will be there. To cut ties would be very cruel, it just needs a rethink, some cogently crafty persuasion, and a bit of a boot out of complacency. If it doesn’t work, after a certain time, then ok, scale back, put your growing children’s development first, at least you will have tried. Extended family can offer so much in so many different ways. Hope it works out for you.

My almost 18 year old happily takes himself off to his grand parents and to his 98 year old great grandmother all the time.
He goes and has a chat, makes her some tea, and just hangs around for a couple of hours.At my parents he spends days there,cooks everyone something, watches tv, maybe goes to the shops with them but generally does the same as at home.
He has never been made to go and never had rules or restrictions when hes there so is happy to potter along doing his thing.

I would take loads of games like operation or jenga to your ILsand say you will he playing them, set them up and start playing, whether they join in or not. Say the kids need to do something a bit more lively over the weekend. I'd imagine theyd start to join in on the end-they might even like jenga!
It's incredibly selfish of your in laws. Ypu children seem to be very keen on their mobile phones or tables so they need to find an actoty like the game they willl participate in and their grandparents will try too to help build the bonds which phones are losing.

I thinks again with your parents it might be a case of fewer electrictronics during the weekend as the brain gets so addicted it cant cope when its deprived.
Maybe the grandparents can come to you sometimes instead also?
Hope things get better.

Last year for FiL’s landmark birthday they decided to celebrate by going to see Mary Poppins Returns and for dinner at zizzis. They have stacks of money and could easily have afforded tea at the Ritz or similar. (And they did do a very expensive grown up treat for just them) However they also wanted to spend it with their DGCs and chose activities appropriate to all accordingly. I don’t think at all that all activities should centre around the kids all the time, it’s nice to have a balance, but if you want kids to come you need to do something they will at least enjoy.

To make it an easier pill to take, I would say they have been invited to a party at the weekend so you can’t go. Would they like to meet you at the place afterwards (park/trampoline park/cinema/whatever) and do something OUT. Then they can happily sit and watch the kids play and it doesn’t feel like you are making a huge point about it. Then hopefully they’ll enjoy it and keep it up!

I'd be bored seeing the same people doing the same thing every weekend tbh. All sounds very rigid. If she complains just say we are doing x, y or z today as the kids fancied a change you are welcome to join?

Your weekends sound utterly dull and depressing; oppressive even... I’m surprised your children have lasted this long without complaining. I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long!

@CherryPavlova

It’s also good for grandparents not to stifle their children and grandchildren’s lives by expecting them to visit every weekend.... especially when they’re in their sixties!

Any advice on how to keep everyone happy?

You’re not only being a martyr yourself, but martyring your kids.... No need to keep your parents happy if they’re so selfish. They clearly don’t seem to care much about your or your kids’ happiness.

Agreed it’s a bit excessive every week for a few hours and I can understand why they are starting to want to not go. My mum lives 5hrs away and we visit most half terms and it’s got to the point my kids are bored of going. I go without them if I can but my mum understands. She could visit us, but doesn’t!

I agree re a data plan, that would help. Or limit it to 1hr visit in winter. If your parents aren’t flexible and willing to do things then they have to understand they will see less of them

DS is at DM’s right now, they adore each other. He is 12 she is 83. DM has internet, but they chat, go for walks, do jobs, have dinner, watch TV especially tennis and Casualty. DS would assuredly live there if he could.