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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be saddened by this

118 replies

Northernsoulgirl45 · 15/02/2020 00:02

So last week I was at a pool party for a 5 year old. Parents were expected to be in pool to keep ratios up. I was the only female in the pool. Aibu to wonder why?

OP posts:
Unusualsuspicion · 15/02/2020 09:33

What is this party with both parents of every child in attendance, one in and one out of the pool? I have never in all my years of kids parties seen both a mum and a dad turn up with their child, it'd be weird beyond belief.

AlternativePerspective · 15/02/2020 09:36

Sometimes though if you’ve done all the running around all week and have endured the hells of baby groups and soft play it’s ok to give that one up to the DH on the weekend?

It would never have occurred to me to see anything sad about a group of dads being hands on with kids at a party, if anything I would have thought it was sad if it was all the mums doing the hands-on stuff while the dads sat on the side or potentially didn’t even go.

My eXH was always the one who did the hands-on stuff at the parties as were all the other dads of ds’ friends. I am an excellent swimmer, better than eXH by miles, but would have had no qualms in sending him into the pool. And I don’t give a shit about my figure and whatever else.

MrsCollinssettled · 15/02/2020 09:37

It's more surprising that dads were prepared to get in the pool for a little girl's party. Most men I know would be very wary of opening themselves up to potential accusations.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 15/02/2020 09:38

I think it was probably only family who had both parents. I think probably some school friends sent dad's who got in pool or mums who didn't

OP posts:
ooonicorn · 15/02/2020 09:39

I'd send my husband in so that I could have a child free chat with people I otherwise only say a quick hello to. Maybe you're overthinking it?

Ginger1982 · 15/02/2020 09:40

So your DH isolated himself by sitting in reception and not even sitting by the pool? I would have told him to get a grip and make a bit of an effort.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 15/02/2020 09:41

I suppose I feel saddened more becayse his dad couldn't go in but tbh even when able I don't think he would have gone in.

OP posts:
Shinyletsbebadguys · 15/02/2020 09:46

When ds1 had swimming lessons as a baby it was dh who got in the pool , because he worked 90 hours a week and did bugger all else. I wanted to watch and see ds1 experience it but it was his turn.

However be careful about the faux "sadness" it adds extra pressure if a woman is struggling with body image. It's not bloody easy to equate the changes in your body after children with confidence. Yes it's the marketing ads, yes its crap that we should feel like this but some women do. It doesnt help when some bugger starts rattling on that you should get past it and make memories and all of that. It can guilt women into feeling uncomfortable.

Those women may do everything else, make memories at all other times , but the faux " ohhh but you're missing out " may well make someone feel even more rubbish.

Its not all about weight and we should have body confidence but doing the wide eyed pity crap is not going to suddenly create it for someone. How about being truly kind and letting people do what they need to.

I took DC swimming recently with DP and I was the only woman in the pool , the others all by the side. I am fortunate I've just lost 7.5 stone so I felt ok, of course that shouldn't matter but it does sometimes. I didn't pity the other women, they are dealing with their stuff and I deal with mine.

Basically just leave other people be , there really is never a situation where it is ok to fake pity or fake shame people for not being as enlightened and confidant as you. Just leave other people be and get on with your own stuff.

Mothership4two · 15/02/2020 09:46

Goodness, how long does it take ppl to defuzz? It is literally 1 minute in the shower for me - the shaving not the showering. I don't have 1 minute showers!

Cotswolds10 · 15/02/2020 09:53

OP, who do you feel sad for? Because your posts seem to be a little contradictory.

Sad for the mums because you’ve assumed they don’t have enough body confidence?
Sad for yourself as you didn’t want to be the only mum in the pool?
Sad for your DC because they were the only one who didn’t have their dad in the pool with them?

It’s hard to say if YABU without knowing who you feel saddened by or for?

LettertoHermoine · 15/02/2020 09:54

I don't get it? Read it 5 times and I still don't get it?

Saddened?

gamerchick · 15/02/2020 09:58

What I find weird about this story is that both parents went. Wtff?

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 15/02/2020 09:59

I think in the cold light of day saddened for dd and dh.

OP posts:
Cactusmum · 15/02/2020 09:59

Id have been stoked to have seen my husband in the pool with my kids at a party when they were younger. He never did anything with them.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 15/02/2020 10:01

We both went because we are family. I imagine for friends only one parent attended so some dads and some mums.

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 15/02/2020 10:03

Hubby went in with ds at a swimming party last year as he works away a lot so wanted to be there for ds

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 15/02/2020 10:06

I'm "saddened" by pool parties generally as they're a royal pain in the arse.

Aside from that, not a clue what you're on about.

JockTamsonsBairns · 15/02/2020 10:09

I'm really confused. If it's your DH and DD that you feel saddened for, what's that got to do with the other mums' body confidence? I'm not understanding this thread at all.

MorrisZapp · 15/02/2020 10:12

So what if the mums didn't go in the water. I bet my entire inheritance that every card and present the birthday kid received was organised, bought and wrapped by a woman.

The men can go in the fecking pool.

Mothership4two · 15/02/2020 10:18

You're not wrong @MorrisZapp

The men can go in the fecking pool

Grin Grin

othervoicesotherrooms · 15/02/2020 10:27

What a weird thread.

Most of the men went in the pool because they chose to.

Most of the women stayed on the side because they chose to.

You went in the pool because your DH couldn't go in the pool.

Your DH couldn't go in the pool so stayed in reception because it was too hot next to the pool and full of women.

Why are you 'saddened' ?
For your DH? Because he couldn't go in? I suppose he must have been disappointed but I don't understand beyond that.

Mummyshark2018 · 15/02/2020 10:27

I'd send my dh into the pool if we were both around only because I have long hair and it's a pita to dry

Heihei · 15/02/2020 10:28

My DP would be the one in the pool because he’s a stronger swimmer than me (plays water polo, used to be a life guard) so I’d feel DS would be safer with him. Maybe some of the other families had the same idea? Nothing to do with how I look in a swimming costume or wanting to exclude anyone.

ferrier · 15/02/2020 10:31

I don't like getting semi-naked in front of people I know.
And I don't like swimming anyway.

sawyersfishbiscuits · 15/02/2020 10:32

😂Saddened??!!

To be fair it's often the dads that take the kids swimming... I know it sounds sexist or whatever but my DH earns the most and although I work part time I'm usually the one cooking, ferrying around and so on that I'm going to chat with my mum friends while DH gets in the pool.

DH spends time with kids 🎖
I spend time without kids and get to finish sentences ☕️

It's not sad, it's nice. OP I think you're reading into it too much.