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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be saddened by this

118 replies

Northernsoulgirl45 · 15/02/2020 00:02

So last week I was at a pool party for a 5 year old. Parents were expected to be in pool to keep ratios up. I was the only female in the pool. Aibu to wonder why?

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 15/02/2020 01:29

Although I enjoy swimming I’m afraid of having water splashed in my face. I panic so tend to avoid swimming where there are lots of children.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2020 01:34

The invite was clear. One of us ie me was expected to be in the water

More fool them for having a party that requires undressing on the part of the parents. Some of DD's friends wouldn't have been able to attend because of religious clothing requirements.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/02/2020 01:39

I think there are a number of factors at work that make this sort of thing likely, all of them cultural-

Women tend to be more body conscious thanks to relentless social conditioning.

Women tend to be less sporty (and this is partly down to the body consciousness, when they engage in physical activity it is often in predominantly female environments and rarely around men in their social circle).

Women tend to do a lot more of the childcare during the week, especially of younger children and often "give up" the role a bit to dads at the weekend. So they will be at the edge of the pool taking it easy because they feel they've done plenty of hands on time with the kids. As a corollary to this, dads have a tendency to be more willing to take on the childcare in more in structured and "fun" activities - rather than the hassling them to clean their teeth, tidy their room and get their homework done.

All those pressures together do skew the numbers a bit. But I think it's pretty shortsighted. I was really disappointed at my kids' sports day when they asked parents to join in some of the team sports and only dads were volunteering. In one case my daughter chose dodge ball and was the only girl and I was the only mum. Seems to send all the wrong messages when parents self segregate along sex lines.

user1473878824 · 15/02/2020 01:40

I’d choose not to because I don’t want to supervise a load of children in a swimming pool. If you were so sad for your DH perhaps you should have made him do it with his “blood niece”. The other mums sound far more sensible because I can’t imagine anything worse than having to save little Johnny from drowning while swallowing a stranger’s plaster.

I feel sad for you you didn’t get the hero’s welcome on Mumsnet you were clearly expecting.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 15/02/2020 01:50

I was definitely not expecting a heros welcome. I love swimming and was happy to be there but I did feel like the odd one out.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 15/02/2020 02:08

A pool party fills me with dread, having to shave every bit of my body just to look half decent, putting a sodding bikini on in the middle of winter, feeling like people are judging my figure, worrying about falling out of my bikini top, worrying about kids getting in to difficulties, my own fear of water, the faff of make up running, skin drying out, hair needing to be washed again.... Give me a glass of wine and a seat observing any day!

JonnyPocketRocket · 15/02/2020 02:24

I suppose deep down I wonder whether the mums worry more about how they look.

I'm glad this is the direction the thread took. When I read the OP I thought you were implying that the dads had less-than-wholesome reasons for wanting to be in the pool with a loss of 8-year-olds 🙄 The old "man=paedo" argument 🙄

Mothership4two · 15/02/2020 02:59

I'm with those who are wondering why it would make you sad. Maybe those mums are a bit more 'switched on' than their partners and managed to dodge the bullet. It might not have anything to do with their body image. If I had the choice between being in a swimming pool with a bunch of 5 yo or sitting nearby chatting to friends, I know what I would choose. If I was going to feel sad for anyone, it would be for the dads Grin

My dh would definitely have been the one to go in because he would actually have enjoyed it and would not particularly relish having to chat to other school parents.

I have noticed over the years that more dads tend to get invoived in the more active parties (swimming/paintballing/go-karting/trampolining/climbing/etc). Maybe they see it as more of a "man" thing to do or maybe they just enjoy it?

TheNestedIf · 15/02/2020 03:19

Culturally, I suppose men are more likely to be at work during the week and therefore more likely to do more parenting at the weekend. Unfortunately for them, that sometimes involves having to paddle around in lukewarm urine. I'm not a parent but if I were, I would absolutely not be sad about missing out on that.. Good for them!

user1473878824 · 15/02/2020 03:23

I did feel like the odd one out.

Oh, so this wasn’t about you being “saddened” in any way? It was just a way to say hey women are so focused on their looks? You’re not sad you’re husband wasn’t involved - no reason for him not to be. It’s just a way to say you’re better than other women who you assume were too worried about how they look?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2020 03:33

Totally normal imo. Dads are physically stronger and often the ones out at work full time.

Worraliberty
It’s totally normal to expect parents in the pool. It’s an invitation, not a summons. Parents, who weren’t ok with going in could have declined. Considering a life guard would probably charge at least £20 an hour, are you suggesting the hosts should have paid this out for the children? That’s £100 per hour for 10 kids!

When my dd was about 9, she had a swim party with an inflatable. Parents weren’t expected to go in. That was for a maximum of 15 cost about £160 and involved 3/4 life guards. This didn’t include food / drinks, which I provided on top. They did provide us with a room to eat.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/02/2020 03:37

You think your DH'a reason for not being in the pool was valid but the women who didn't want to get in the pool must be vain?

Sounds a bit sexist to me.

Brazi103 · 15/02/2020 04:07

OP you are certainly reaching and scraping very hard. Nothing makes sense as to why you would be sad. No one did anything wrong. The only reason would be you have some insecurity and projecting this onto the whole situation.

MrsA2015 · 15/02/2020 04:08

Get a grip not everything has to be dramatic

Glitterbaby17 · 15/02/2020 04:14

DH has always taken DD to her swimming lessons on a Saturday since she was tiny - it’s their ‘thing’ and fun to do together.

For a lot of Mums swimming in winter is a hassle - needing to dry hair etc is time consuming and can be difficult while sorting out a 5 year old. I don’t think this is a big deal!

Vulpine · 15/02/2020 07:46

Women traditionally take more 'grooming' to be swimsuit ready than men

FrancisCrawford · 15/02/2020 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

85notout · 15/02/2020 07:56

Women traditionally take more 'grooming' to be swimsuit ready than men

Ffs no they don't, you get undressed and you are swimsuit ready. Job done.

BecauseReasons · 15/02/2020 08:47

Ffs no they don't, you get undressed and you are swimsuit ready. Job done.

I applaud that sentiment, but in reality many people would be worried about becoming the subject of school-gate gossip because they arrived unshaven. Sad but true. We're taught that female body hair is shameful from quite a young age and many are quite judgemental of those who dare flout the arbitrary guidelines laid down by society.

Original poster
Northernsoulgirl45 · 15/02/2020 08:54

He is physically unable to get in the pool so had a pretty good reason.
I never asked him why he stayed in reception. Probably didn't want to get hot or because he didn't know many people.

OP posts:
cochineal7 · 15/02/2020 09:19

Are you asking for yourself or DH? Presumably you had a good time in the pool with your child and adding an extra mum in with another child wouldn’t have made a difference to your experience. The fact your fully grown-up husband didn’t feel able to socialise with a group of adults on the side has little to do with their gender but more with the fact they seemed to be an established group. But did he even try? Most grownup women are quite normal.

saraclara · 15/02/2020 09:24

The husbands would probably rather be in the water than sitting on the side being forced to make conversing with people they barely know.

saraclara · 15/02/2020 09:25

Conversation, even

85notout · 15/02/2020 09:27

We're taught that female body hair is shameful from quite a young age and many are quite judgemental of those who dare flout the arbitrary guidelines laid down by society.

Then it's a good job I don't give a shit what people think of me! I don't shave unless I want to and if people don't like it then they aren't people I need to bother with. It's so liberating.

EvilPea · 15/02/2020 09:28

Fuck that, I’d have sent dh as well.
Not a swim suit thing, I can’t swim so am more of a hindrance!