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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I give him the ring back?

119 replies

pingu777 · 14/02/2020 20:54

The man I was engaged to has decided he doesn't want to get married. Or live together. Or have any life together.

He has asked what I'm doing with the ring.

AIBU to keep it?

(Lighthearted, of course, how can I creatively tell him that I won't be returning his gift?)

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 14/02/2020 22:23

*Ring

Original poster
pingu777 · 14/02/2020 22:23

Thanks everyone for the Thanks I'm still very sad about it but I know this feeling will pass with time.
For those asking, no not a family heirloom, and there was no indiscretion from my side. Differences aside, I supported him through a big career change, time away etc. And he changed his mind about a future, sadly.

Whilst I know I won't wear it or think of it kindly just now, it seems cruel to suggest I may want to return it.

OP posts:
2Finallypregnant · 14/02/2020 22:26

Sell it and treat yourself

honeyloops · 14/02/2020 22:27

I think you should give it back personally.

Honeyroar · 14/02/2020 22:28

You’ll get next to nothing for it anyway. Second hand rings aren’t a big market.

I kept one years ago for the simple reason that I’d paid for it on my credit card and he was (v slowly) paying me back, plus I had lost money on a lot of things for the wedding in deposits as he cancelled so close to the wedding. But it was valued much lower than what we paid. It’s sat in my jewellery box for 18 years. I even had it remade into a different ring but I still couldn’t bring myself to wear it!

june2007 · 14/02/2020 22:35

Zcha Zcha gabor said always keep the ring. But she couldn,t keep a man could she? Give thr ring back don,t be in his pocket.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/02/2020 22:44

Keep the ring, it is yours. Sell it and keep the money!

HeadachesByTheDozen · 14/02/2020 22:44

@GabriellaMontez It is a conditional gift. A man proposes, opens the ring box, shows it to you, and asks you to marry him. If you agree, he puts the ring on your finger. If you don't agree, do you still get the ring?

It doesn't take a Mensa degree to see that an engagement ring is not just a 'mere gift'. If it were, you'd be given engagement rings for any reason or no reason. It is very clear the item is OFFERED while asking to marry. The 'gift' is conditional upon acceptance of the proposal.

It is not just an ordinary gift! It is a contractual item.

FWIW, tradition says that if she calls the engagement off, she has to give the ring back. If he calls it off, she gets to keep the ring. So, OP you are traditionally entitled to keep the ring, but you'd probably want to sell it rather than wear it again.

adarkwhisperinthewoodwasheard · 14/02/2020 23:19

Scotland is different to England and Wales. It's not a 'gift' in the proper sense, but consideration for the marriage. If the marriage doesn't take place then you have to give it back, regardless of who called it off

Friendsofmine · 14/02/2020 23:28

Why not get a free half hour with a solicitor just to put the MN minds to rest you're not committing a crime by keeping it and selling it when you feel like it.

Duck90 · 14/02/2020 23:47

What does he want to do with it? Give it to the next lucky girl?

Just ignore his question?

As others have said, rings lose their value when they are second hand.

steff13 · 14/02/2020 23:59

In USA law the giving of an engagement ring is considered to be a contract to marry and, no matter who got cold feet, if the contract is broken the ring is returned to the giver.

That actually varies by state.

GabsAlot · 15/02/2020 00:00

keep it in a drawer then when youre ready sell it

74NewStreet · 15/02/2020 00:01

What the hell is he planning to do with it?!

YappityYapYap · 15/02/2020 00:05

He ended it, not you. Don't return it

NameChangeNugget · 15/02/2020 00:11

If you didn’t get married of course you should

ShatnersWig · 15/02/2020 00:15

Judge Judy always says it should go back. A US opinion I unusually agree with.

cinnabarmoth · 15/02/2020 00:16

I sold mine

JaniceBattersby · 15/02/2020 00:18

I wouldn’t even reply to his rude message tbh. Keep the ring, sell it and do something fabulous with the money. A fucking ginormous holiday or a qualification or something. That’s the good that will come out of this situation.

Sorry this happened to you OP. He’s not the man for you.

SallySun123 · 15/02/2020 00:32

My ring was cheap and nasty (like my ex) so I just threw it in the bin! Hope yours was expensive so you can do something nice when you sell it (you absolutely shouldn’t give it back).

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 15/02/2020 00:47

He’s asked what you are doing with the ring, and your answer is “well I didn’t give a shit about it, so gave it away to my mate”

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 15/02/2020 00:54

Zsa Zsa Gabor said always keep the ring.

The house, darlink. She always kept the house. Wink

SnoozyLou · 15/02/2020 07:32

Lost it. Sorry. Must have slipped right off my finger.

The flaming cheek.

SnoozyLou · 15/02/2020 07:33

And yes, I would sell it and go on holiday as PP said.

Ofalltheginjoints · 15/02/2020 07:43

I kept my engagement ring when my relationship broke down because of his cheating, didn’t see why I should give it back when he broke our agreement to marry and cost me money for deposits etc

I love the ring but I’ve never worn it since and doing i will although may get the stones reset into something else I did look to sell it several years ago but was only offered about £300 when it cost around $5k (wasn’t British so no uk hallmarks if yours is you may get more op)

My DN loves to play with it as treasure so at least someone is enjoying it

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