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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel my brother what I really think

87 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 11:59

about his DCs?

They have no rules, swear, have 'potty mouths' as they call it and are rude, stroppy and difficult to be around.

They aren't little anymore either, upper years of primary school.

I would just leave it, none of my business, however he keeps wanting to visit with them because 'they want to see their cousins' and 'it would be nice for them to be friends"

Mine are starting to resent this, but I look 'mean' if I say no / make excuses.

Would you explain? I do expect mine to say please and thank you and be generally polite and understanding. I don;t understand how he thinks they will be friends if the behaviour doesn't change.

Are we supposed to just suck it up? I think they copy to be honest is he can be stroppy and snappy with them as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:00

To tell my brother not to feel my brother!

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/02/2020 12:02

I can absolutely understand the temptation to tell him the blunt truth about his children and his and his partner's parenting (or lack thereof) - but how much upset will it cause if you do it? Is he likely to take it on the chin and accept what you are saying, or will it cause an almighty falling-out?

Only you know the answer to that - but if you can't say it in real life, it might help to say it here - as a sort of catharsis.

RandomMess · 14/02/2020 12:03

How old are your DC?

abstractzebra · 14/02/2020 12:03

No advice to give really but when my son was little, one of his cousins was an absolute nightmare and he just overwhelmed my son all the time with his aggressiveness and erratic behaviour.
All I could do was keep contact to minimal and avoid as much as possible.

RandomMess · 14/02/2020 12:04

Visit them so you can leave or meet somewhere neutral again so you can leave...

Ohtherewearethen · 14/02/2020 12:04

Nobody wants to hear that their children aren't wonderful and that they are not doing a great job at parenting. It will probably cause a huge fall out but at least that'll stop him wanting to visit!

LochJessMonster · 14/02/2020 12:04

The problem is, he isn't going to turn around and agree with you that his kids are terrible. No parent would. He will get offended.

You can tell him that you don't want your children to pick up the swear words etc but it will probably ruin your relationship.

There is no easy answer.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:05

Mine are 11 and 14. The older one kind of does his own things anyway but the younger one gentler and goes a bit shy and quiet.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 14/02/2020 12:06

A fall out is coming either way. Either because you don't let them visit or because you impose 'my house my rules' for behaviour.

Which one do you want? I don't think stopping visits is working, just postponing the inevitable.

VettiyaIruken · 14/02/2020 12:06

He may want them to visit but you don't have to prioritise his children over your own and if that means telling him how you feel then fair enough.

ddraigygoch · 14/02/2020 12:06

I would reply that 'that doesn't work for us'

And if he pushes for an explanation say that his children attitude and behaviour isn't something you want around your children.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:07

OK so what to do? I feel really stressed with it. My instinct is to protect my DC from it. I asked them and they said they "Don't mind' but there was not much keenness to be 'friends' possibly understandably.

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Whynosnowyet · 14/02/2020 12:08

Just meet at an activity... Would he be more likely to keep them behaving in a public place? Cinema? Ice skating? Go Ape?

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:09

*I would reply that 'that doesn't work for us'

And if he pushes for an explanation say that his children attitude and behaviour isn't something you want around your children*

Yes was thinking of something along those lines...maybe a little less harsh with the second part, and maybe also about them growing older / having own lives perhaps (maybe a cop out there though).

The don't live locally perhaps thankfully.

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Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:11

Just meet at an activity

I tried suggesting this! Was told he finds such activities difficult (possibly due to the behaviour?)

Just seems to want to hang out at home (sigh) or for family walks together..

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:13

Or 'family holidays' together (gulp) Asking in front of the DC...

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Arthritica · 14/02/2020 12:14

Are your children starting to resent it because they want to see their cousins and you don't, or because they don't want to be pressured by their uncle to see cousins they aren't keen on?

MingeofDeath · 14/02/2020 12:16

What have your kids said about their cousins?

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:19

I think they resent the demanding behaviour as they come into a different room and hang out with us and do jobs like help with cooking when they visit, or go into our (parents) room for a break...that was what i meant...

they told me when asked they 'don't mind' the behaviour too much for short periods of time. But they can be quite accepting like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:20

They aren't keen on the 'hanging around' though and prefer to do e.g. ice skating. they are kind of past the age of 'playdates' really

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RandomMess · 14/02/2020 12:20

"The age gap is a bit big for my DC especially as they have such different personalities to yours but they would perhaps do X activity with them"

LorenzoStDubois · 14/02/2020 12:21

I think you'll need to be honest with him.
Sounds like both him and his kids need a kick up the arse anyway.
No one likes badly behaved children.
He needs to be told and then he needs to sort out his kids' shitty behavior.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:21

Apart from that they never mention the cousins at all. they never ask to see them etc.

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Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:26

OK, the thing is if I mention the behaviour what would probably happen would be-

He'd tell the kids they are naughty and cousins don't want to see them (or I don't want to see them) due to it

Then, he'd tell they they needed to be nicer in order to visit.

Overall meaning a difficult situation...Hmm yes could suggest the activity perhaps. As they are far away it means more than a couple of hours visit though. Not simple.

It is probably my 'turn' to visit - several hours away. Dreading going to stay...

OP posts:
stayingontherail · 14/02/2020 12:26

Just meet at an activity

I tried suggesting this! Was told he finds such activities difficult (possibly due to the behaviour?)

Do you ask why when he says it’s to difficult? Can you say that you find visits at home too difficult?

And if he pushes for an explanation say that his children attitude and behaviour isn't something you want around your children

Can you say instead that the children have different temperaments and you find it too chaotic and need meet out somewhere where they have space to blow off steam.

Or maybe invite them over but have something planned like going to lunch with your in-laws (that they can’t go to) so it can only be an hour or so.