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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel my brother what I really think

87 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 11:59

about his DCs?

They have no rules, swear, have 'potty mouths' as they call it and are rude, stroppy and difficult to be around.

They aren't little anymore either, upper years of primary school.

I would just leave it, none of my business, however he keeps wanting to visit with them because 'they want to see their cousins' and 'it would be nice for them to be friends"

Mine are starting to resent this, but I look 'mean' if I say no / make excuses.

Would you explain? I do expect mine to say please and thank you and be generally polite and understanding. I don;t understand how he thinks they will be friends if the behaviour doesn't change.

Are we supposed to just suck it up? I think they copy to be honest is he can be stroppy and snappy with them as well.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 14/02/2020 12:28

I would just say that your children have busy lives and have not of commitments.

It also sounds like he may be looking for something to do that suits him.

Tell him what works for you as in a specific activity. If he says no that doesn't suit him, then say we'd better leave it.

Hopefully his children might improve, though I doubt it. Either way it's ok for your children not to want to be around that behaviour IMO.

billy1966 · 14/02/2020 12:28

Have a lot of commitments.

AriadnesFilament · 14/02/2020 12:28

Depends. Do you want to fall out with him and potentially start a row that drags in the rest of the family?

stayingontherail · 14/02/2020 12:30

Just saw your update. If the worst that will happen is he makes them behave when they are at yours then I’d see that as a good outcome rather than a situation becoming difficult.

With visiting them, can you arrange to meet up somewhere in between to go for a walk or something? Or just don’t ever bring it up - there isn’t a rule where you have to visit people.

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:31

I actually think, he struggles with them and maybe it helps having other, slightly older and calmer children around, maybe it helps? Bit that isn't fair on them either.

Yes he did also say he finds shopping with them hard due to the demannds, and mimicked them. I also don't like the way he is with them either and how he speaks to them. Calls them 'silly little boy' and to 'get off the Goddamn phone' for example.

It's quite stressful. Not just the DC behaviour!

OP posts:

Arthritica · 14/02/2020 12:31

In which case, back up your kids and make excuses, or only go along with activities/events suggestions.

"Teens are so busy and active these days! How about meeting for a film and pizza halfway between us one weekend? It's great to get out of the house for a bit."

Barbararara · 14/02/2020 12:32

This reminds me of my cousins growing up. They were parented very differently to us but our mothers were close. It was awkward at times, and as teens we didn’t hang out much or stay over with my aunt because my dm wasn’t comfortable with the level of supervision.

For right or wrong, she never commented to my aunt or criticised her, but she made her views and concerns very clear to us. I think that helped us to see and evaluate their behaviour and to separate it from us a bit.

There were good things in her parenting style that was lacking in her house that my dm and df couldn’t appreciate. They’re home was a lot more fun and less controlling. As a parent now I have taken some things from their example as well as standards and values from my own upbringing.

And I’ve also seen that despite being “dragged up” and being a bit vulgar and crude at times, they’ve all grown into lovely adults that I’m glad to know and have in my life.

But it sounds as if your dc aren’t so keen on the relationship so maybe a bit of distance isn’t a bad thing. I still wouldn’t say anything to him though.

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:33

Thanks for the replies.

Or just don’t ever bring it up-

For the last several times, it is him asked 'when are you around' in holidays. to meet. If I say no, it is "That's a shame, DC wanted to see their cousins"

OP posts:

billy1966 · 14/02/2020 12:33

If pushed, you could say that your children find his "a bit full on". An indicator, without specifics!

If he pushes, you can be specific.
But you can say...do you really want me to be....ball in his court.

I find it extremely self absorbed of parents to expect everyone to love their little nightmares.

Someone once said to me that at times she could barely stand her own children when they were badly behaved, and she was damned if she was putting up with others!

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:34

I must cut and paste these reply comments for the future

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Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:35

Barbara is' not that we are controlling or anything, it is more the way the DC are in terms of being bossy / rude etc. We are quite laid back really.

OP posts:

stayingontherail · 14/02/2020 12:37

Is there any chance he’s using the children as an excuse and what he really wants is to see you?

onalongsabbatical · 14/02/2020 12:37

You are allowed not to like your family.

bluehighlighter · 14/02/2020 12:39

You live 2 hours away and the whole family is very busy. That's enough reason to limit it to a very occasional half day visit. On which you can arrange an outdoors activity.

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 12:40

What I find odd is that there seems to be an understanding that he (brother) finds the behaviour annoying, but that we / DC would find it 'friendly'.

Maybe they think DC just all 'muck in' or something.

I remember my eldest came in with an eye roll / wide eye type face once on a 'visit' to have a break, but he got frowned at (by the mother)

which made me feel uncomfortable...why should he be obliged to put up with them?

OP posts:

PrincessButtockUp · 14/02/2020 12:45

"The thing is, bro, the children are all very different and while we as adults can embrace that, my children are at an age where they find it hard. It's lovely that your children want to spend time with their cousins and hopefully as they all get older they will have more in common. But for now, it's hard to find activities that they can all enjoy and I need to give my children space to be with their age group and their friends. Thank you for understanding."

5foot5 · 14/02/2020 12:45

How often are we talking? If just 3 or 4 times a year can you not put up with it a bit for the sake of family harmony? After all they may improve with age.

I think it is a good thing that your DC are the older ones as presumably there will be no worry that yours will copy. Maybe you could use the age difference as a reason to limit visits as others have suggested.

Do you meet on neutral ground e.g. your DPs or is it always at your house?

Definitely don't do a holiday though that would be a nightmare.

PineappleDanish · 14/02/2020 12:53

You cannot force your children to be friends with their cousins. Lots of cousins have nothing in common with each other, apart from some DNA. Trying to engineer a friendship isn't going to work in the long run, you need to let your kids find their own way and they are telling you that they don't want to see their cousins socially.

Nothing wrong with that.

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 13:03

The worst thing was when he asked me in front of his DC about meeting up for a holiday together. Put me in a difficult position. I went and mumbled something but, last time, he came back suggesting it was me who wanted to 'go camping'!

"You said you wanted to go camping" Umm, no I didn't. Just find it quite manipulative. I told him, I don't like camping.

Thing is it can some back on me, being blamed for stopping them seeing their cousins, etc Oh well

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Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 13:04

Probably about twice a year, summer holidays and christmas seem to be the main times they ask.

it is really cute far as in several hours, so meeting up somewhere in the middle would mean a stay

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LondonMummy1987 · 14/02/2020 13:06

I think it is really difficult with siblings and cousins etc. We have a similar situation, whereby my 4 year old niece is really vicious, and scratches, bites, pushes, kicks and jumps on my two children to the point where they will cry and be in pain, and isn't really properly reprimanded or controlled (everyone just says she is lively and boisterous), so we avoid seeing them as much as possible,. However my sister does ask to meet frequently and I feel like I am putting my kids at risk by meeting them. We don't want to offend them and do want to see my nices but if my kids are going to be hurt, i'd rather not until they can properly control the vicious one.

Good luck trying to figure out a plan for future.

dottiedodah · 14/02/2020 13:07

How far away are you ? If an hour or two .why not just go up for the day /possibly overnight, and try to go out somewhere for a walk /pub lunch whatever .I get you are not keen, but cousins have a special relationship and for a few times per year it wont matter .As they get older they may or may not wish to be friends ,but at least have some childhood memories to look back on .No two people have the same views on parenting, and unless they are bullying or physically rough then I think go to see them occasionally would be for the best

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 13:07

quite far.

princess good comment will save that one.

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Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 13:08

About seven hours, drive

OP posts:

Original poster

Orangeblossom78 · 14/02/2020 13:08

or 1 hr flight plus drive / train etc

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