To feel my brother what I really think

[Orangeblossom78]

about his DCs?

They have no rules, swear, have 'potty mouths' as they call it and are rude, stroppy and difficult to be around.

They aren't little anymore either, upper years of primary school.

I would just leave it, none of my business, however he keeps wanting to visit with them because 'they want to see their cousins' and 'it would be nice for them to be friends"

Mine are starting to resent this, but I look 'mean' if I say no / make excuses.

Would you explain? I do expect mine to say please and thank you and be generally polite and understanding. I don;t understand how he thinks they will be friends if the behaviour doesn't change.

Are we supposed to just suck it up? I think they copy to be honest is he can be stroppy and snappy with them as well.

My position is that I have the ‘energetic’ children and my sibling doesn’t want them around hers. Mine would love to see their cousins more but every time I try and arrange a date, my sibling doesn’t respond or takes ages to say the dates don’t work.
I’ve accepted they will have no relationship and just tell my children that they are very busy.
To be honest it’s a relief for me to stop trying because my sibling would constantly ‘tell off’ my children for stuff I thought was fine. We just have different parenting styles. I want them to be themselves and don’t want to force them to behave in a certain way for their wider family to accept them.
I’d be the first to acknowledge they are hard work, noisy and annoying at times but actually, I’d chose them any day over their cousins who sit like zombies in front of the tv or have nothing to say for themselves.
In your position I’d be honest and stop messing your brother around. It’s easier to move on once you know there is no point in trying anymore.

Well yes, long periods wouldn’t be fair but it sounds as if they barely see them at all.

Molly, a parent at school started telling DC2 off for things. We were acquaintances at best and after seething for weeks I finally called them out on it. Thankfully they no longer spend all their time telling them off and I now actively avoid them. I am well aware she can be difficult. Judgement is not helpful. Especially if your own child is as quiet as a mouse with their own issues.

@DisorganisedOrganiser agreed.
I often find I have different expectations about behaviour.
Whilst my children are hard work, they get really good school reports, are kind and thoughtful. They are just easily excited (so seeing their cousins would set them off), very active, so don’t do well with sitting in a restaurant and are louder then average (DD had undiagnosed glue ear for 18 months and then 12 months treatment).
That was actually my deal breaker. When my BIL told DD off for being loud and shushed her. I explained she overcompensated because of her hearing loss and she was often unaware of how loud she was being and he commented about ‘lazy parenting’ (words to that effect).
That was when I decided to stop trying to see them, messaging dates and organising events. I actually realised they weren’t enriching our lives at all.

That's totally different from the type of issues I'm talking about. these are older children, 9-11, things like only doing the things they want, supported by the older ones, for hours and hours then kicking off badly if they don't...and the parents not doing anything.

Yes thankfully it's not very often but due to being far apart it can be for long periods as they won't go out / do activities etc.

7 hours away? Sod it, OP, Facetime them on their birthdays and tell your brother it's a bit full on this year.

The only other approach I can see working for everyione is as a PP suggested - a weekend away, separate accommodation. Something like a Centreparcs where you can meet at the pool or for a meal, go on bike rides, also split up (and let the teens escape) frequently during the day.

This is also the issue, the distance, I don't get on well enough with brother and SIL to stay away and also, find holidays precious and want to spend them just as a family really, we enjoy that and it's relaxed, also as they are getting older might not be many left of them.

My eldest at 15 wouldn't enjoy it anyway...I guess I could try taking the youngest myself for a short weekend visit..perhaps...will have a think.

Also there is a girl/boy thing there both 11 and just at that age where they are a bit more aware / embarrassed by the opposite sex, and with the younger one being a bit 'full on' - ah we'll see.

Nobody can force you into spending time with them. Nobody can expect you to take turns to make a 7 hour trip to visit them. Just say no for gods sake. Say it's too long a trek and the kids have stuff on. My Ds hasn't seen some of his cousins for well over a year. The world hasn't ended! He is late teens and just doesn't have anything in common with his younger cousins. I gave up long ago asking him to come with us when we'd visit relatives. If your brother asks to come to your house suggest he books an Airbnb and you can meet up away from your house, or go to their accommodation. At least that way you can leave when you want.
As for a family holiday - don't do it. He's looking for your kids to entertain his. Let him take them to a campsite himself where they may meet other kids, but if you agree to go with them you'll need be tearing your hair out after a couple of days. Tell him your family holiday is a chance for you and your family unit to get some time together and you are not in a position to change that.

Bottom line - just say no to things that don't suit you/your dc.

Thanks Drum, you hit the nail on the head no wonder they want to meet up as they have babysitters on tap!

And as you say once they hit mid teens things change a lot, their's are not at that stage yet and don't think they get that yet.

Maybe you have the right idea, saying it straight but with no need to say anything about behaviour etc as it's not that simple

Honestly the more you write "No that doesn't work for us, too busy. Can meet up for a few hours if you want to get an Air B&B within an hour drive"

That's exactly what I did last time, they stayed nearby and had a family dinner, but then wanted us to meet all day the next two days...mine had other plans so had to tell them and wasn't easy. I guess as they had come a long way.

I felt awful. Still maybe they understand a bit more. They asked who made the other plans and I told them my eldest- it was an activity they said their DC wouldn't like anyway.

I think @PrincessButtockUp suggestion of what to text is really good.

They are different ages and very busy.
Best not to get into criticism of the children if you can avoid it.

But, your brother trying to manipulate you asking in front of the children and them not bothering with basics like manners would harden me really.

My children enjoy their much younger cousins for a very very limited amount of time. One set are rarely corrected, if ever and are exhausting but we tolerate it for the hour once or twice a year.

Anymore and they wouldn't be interested.

Princess's text is well worth considering.

Yes I agree. We also have two other sets of cousins on DH side and don't get all this pressure with them so it gets it a bit in perspective. I will avoid mentioning the behaviour unless he pushes further