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Original poster

To not say thanks

84 replies

jollybobs89 · 13/02/2020 22:52

Ok so partner has fallen out with his parents quite bad (long story about an argument and a car seat which I have previously posted on here)

Anyway I'm 34 weeks pregnant had a baby shower last week his mum and sister didn't come, they have all blocked me the whole family apart from his other sister on social media and didn't text to say that they weren't coming to the baby shower (obviously I knew they weren't given the situation, I haven't said anything to anyone in the whole argument it's literally been between my partner and his parents) however his mum sent gifts with his other sister who has stayed out of the argument and we are still talking.

Now my initial reaction was to be polite still and text and say thanks for the gifts. However my partner has been quite firm about it and said no he doesn't want me to message. He says they didn't bother to let me know that they weren't coming and also they have blocked me so why should I text to say thank you?! I just thought be the bigger person and all however wanted to get your thoughts!

Shit situation to be honest but my partner is very much of the opinion that they need to apologise for what they have done which they do.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 13/02/2020 22:54

You should say thank you. That's the polite thing to do. You don't have to gush. Just a simple thanks for the presents they're lovely.

End of

Qwerty543 · 13/02/2020 22:58

His parents and he is unhappy with their behaviour so I'd take his lead on it.

Pilot12 · 13/02/2020 22:59

I would say thank you, text or send a card. Given the circumstances she didn't have/need to send the presents but she did. I wouldn't tell my DP that I've done it though.

idontlike789 · 13/02/2020 22:59

Well how will you message them to thank them if they have blocked you ? .
I think the gifts are a olive branch except it and pass on your thanks .

Branleuse · 13/02/2020 23:00

No I wouldnt. Your dh seems firm, theyre his parents not yours. If you message them it opens up a dialogue that neither of you want.

Honeybee85 · 13/02/2020 23:03

I wouldn’t say thank you.

How incredibly rude and childish it is to block you on social media and miss out on your baby shower as well. I might be really a bitch and get flamed for this but I would send back their gifts unopened. They can start with communicating like reasonable adults first before I’d accept any gift from them, in your position.

crispysausagerolls · 13/02/2020 23:03

It’s always better to be polite

Drum2018 · 13/02/2020 23:05

I wouldn't tell my DP that I've done it though.

Well he'll likely be very pissed off when he inevitably finds out from his parents, who may see it as an olive branch following their olive branch. If you cannot talk your Dh round then I'd leave it. You have to live with him, not his parents, so no point starting another row over it if he's adamant that he is not sending a card. If he has no intention of making things better with them perhaps he should simply return the gifts to them with a thanks but no thanks. He can't have it both ways!

Original poster
jollybobs89 · 13/02/2020 23:05

There's no way I'm going behind my partners back and messaging them without telling him!

@Honeybee85 I thought the exact same tbh I thought about sending them back!

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 13/02/2020 23:06

I would send a thank you card for any gifts I received.

schafernaker · 13/02/2020 23:07

Send a thank you card (I assume this is the done thing for baby showers 🤷🏻‍♀️) but send it back via the sister 😂

AlexaShutUp · 13/02/2020 23:08

If you're going to keep the gifts, you should say thank you.

Monty27 · 13/02/2020 23:08

Silence is often the best way to go.
Don't upset your DH. That's the last thing you need.
Hope you had a great time otherwise Smile

GruciusMalfoy · 13/02/2020 23:10

I presume the gifts are for the baby, and not for you personally? If they're not solely for you, I think I'd go along with what my partner would prefer here.

WinterCat · 13/02/2020 23:10

I would either not accept the gifts or accept them and tell my DP he is responsible for the thank you, and if he won’t do one that is his decision. I would not go against his express wishes and I certainly wouldn’t hide from him that I’d done it. I’ve ended relationships over far less than that.

Honeybee85 · 13/02/2020 23:14

OP, during my pregnancy I had a terrible fallout with my own parents and my DM tried to make it up by sending me a gift trough my inlaws. I was so angry. I just wanted a sincere apology or to be left alone by them and not receive any gifts that were supposed to pressure me into talking to them again without said (sincere) apology from their side.

The not coming to your baby shower and blocking on social media sounds to me as a way to deliberately upset you. And given my own experience with family being nasty during my pregnancy, it really makes my blood boil that people think it’s OK to treat a woman like this during a time when stress also could affect her unborn child.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2020 23:15

I would send a written thank you card and if DH didn't want to thank them then I'd only sign my name. I wouldn't text as that seems to invite a response somehow.

TBH, I wouldn't let my DH dictate how I respond to gifts I receive no matter who they're from. I wouldn't re-establish a relationship with them if he was NC, but I'd still be polite and send a thank you. If you aren't going to send a thank you, then the gifts should be returned.

Original poster
jollybobs89 · 13/02/2020 23:23

@Honeybee85 oh gosh it's just not what you need is it!

Tbh I have been quite upset about the whole situation as they are trying to pin blame on me when I've stayed well out of it and literally just left it to my partner as it's his family at the end of the day! I do/did see them as my family too as never fell out with them before and always got on so well etc but after the way they have treated me blocking me and stuff I just think well why should I be nice! They clearly have other thoughts about me. The gifts are for the baby not for us, but my partner thinks they are doing that to try and open conversation so that they can sweep things under the carpet without an apology.
And I just think now I have a DD who is 2 next week and another on the way end of March so I've got bigger things to be worrying about.

OP posts:
Daftodil · 13/02/2020 23:27

Sending gifts back will escalate the situation and possibly cement the rift. Is that what you want? Or do you want to move forward and for your baby to have his/her grandparents in their life. The gift was obviously a peace offering. Ok, it's clumsy and they haven't formally apologised, but it's a start and perhaps they don't know how else to open the lines of communication. Not sure of the age/health of your in laws, but they won't be around forever, so I'd be inclined to accept the gifts, say thank you and try to move on. What will you regret more: never speaking to them again or being the bigger person and sending a thank you card?

Bringringbring · 13/02/2020 23:41

Say thank you

Show your partner the message. Very brief.

“Thank you for the gifts”. Nothing further etc

Explain to your partner that just as you be teaching your child, someone gifts us something - we thank them, however given the situation you have kept as brief as possible

Absolutepowercorrupts · 13/02/2020 23:43

I definitely understand your partner thinking they're trying to find a way in to both of you. As the gifts are for your baby and have come via the sister that you are talking to, I'd send a message of thanks back via that sister.

Bringringbring · 13/02/2020 23:44

* There's no way I'm going behind my partners back and messaging them without telling him! *

This is far too sensible and adult an approach for a number of mumsnetters. They want drama.

StoppinBy · 14/02/2020 00:38

I think a mailed card saying thank you for the gifts as mentioned above if a great idea. You get to say thank you and not feel guilty and it also doesn't open a line of communication that your DH clearly doesn't want.

In your circumstance I would tell my DH that I was sending the card and tell him it is very brief, just a simple thank you.

NotALurker2 · 14/02/2020 00:53

If you text them a thank you, you're just playing in their immature game. I wouldn't. If they want to block you, then take them at their word and respect their wishes by not contacting them to say thank you.

Plus it would be a betrayal of your DH to go against his wishes with is own family. That would not be good, either.

BackforGood · 14/02/2020 01:02

If someone sent me a gift, or a gift for a baby of mine, I would send a message of thanks.
Peersonally I'd send a card or letter, but a text would also be the right thing to do if that is how you communicate.

I don't know the ins and outs of the disagreement, but if your dp really wants nothing to do with them ever again (really ? was it that bad ?) then he should send the gifts back, not accept them and pretend they didn't arrive (by not acknowledging them by thanking them). But he needs to ask himself why he is escalating this and if that is really how he wants it to be for all your your dcs lives.

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