To not say thanks

[jollybobs89]

Ok so partner has fallen out with his parents quite bad (long story about an argument and a car seat which I have previously posted on here)

Anyway I'm 34 weeks pregnant had a baby shower last week his mum and sister didn't come, they have all blocked me the whole family apart from his other sister on social media and didn't text to say that they weren't coming to the baby shower (obviously I knew they weren't given the situation, I haven't said anything to anyone in the whole argument it's literally been between my partner and his parents) however his mum sent gifts with his other sister who has stayed out of the argument and we are still talking.

Now my initial reaction was to be polite still and text and say thanks for the gifts. However my partner has been quite firm about it and said no he doesn't want me to message. He says they didn't bother to let me know that they weren't coming and also they have blocked me so why should I text to say thank you?! I just thought be the bigger person and all however wanted to get your thoughts!

Shit situation to be honest but my partner is very much of the opinion that they need to apologise for what they have done which they do.

OP, could you post a link to the previous thread so we can know more about the context? I'm wondering if this is a normal family upset or if you're dealing with someone far more difficult. (Narcissists often use presents to manipulate people.)

I remember the carseat post. They could have killed your child and have zero remorse - in fact would and will do it again if given an opportunity.

You should thank your lucky stars that your DH is distancing them and you should not force or facilitate a rapprochement. You would come to bitterly regret it.

Do not betray him. It takes massive strength to LC or NC your own family and you should be strength to his resolve rather than a Trojan Horse through which they can get to him and his (and your) child.

As PP said, take his lead. They're his family and they're absolutely shit.

I would return the gifts before I would send thanks to such people. But take DH's lead on that too. People who highly risk killing my child don't receive a thank you note for unsolicited gifts whether to me or my child. The fuck they would.

Speak to your DH. Tell him HE has 2 options; keep the gift and send a bland thank message OR send the gift back.

So often we read threads where DH is in thrall to his parents, and tries to appease them; you a have a DH doing absolutely the right thing and standing up for his family. Your relationship seems strong and equal; I think you're right to take his lead and discuss it with him openly. As you say yourself, you'd be miffed if the situation was reversed and he went behind his back.
I remember the carseat thread, and they seem beyond obstinate. To be honest, I can't see why only one of his sisters is being sensible about it; hardly a generational thing for her!

went behind your back - sorry - cat "assisting" with the typing.

I really couldn't if my DH was dead set against it.

I would send the gifts back

I would say thank you. Perhaps send a card if communication is very difficult. They have taken the first step.

I would add only if he agrees too

Either return or say Thank You.

It may be an olive branch towards an apology in which case you're slamming the door shut.

But rude to keep without saying.

Either return or say Thank You

This.

If you aren't prepared to say thank you, the gifts need to go back.

Fucks sake - if the OP was NC with her parents and her husband was considering undermining that by contacting her parents there would rightly be uproar on here; instead loads of people are telling the OP to effectively not support her partner!

OP - it's his parents and his wishes. If he says don't contact them, then don't contact them

Going behind his back is not a good idea .. They will be gleeful if they think they have caused a divide in your relationship however small.
We are nc with mil. She sent ds a card. I sent it back recorded delivery..

These aren't pleasant people. I remember your last thread, they didn't care that your dc could have been hurt and even claimed they would do the same again and did to your dn!

Did your dh tell the other parents?

I think sil has been a flying monkey here. I wouldn't have accepted in the first place tbh. I wouldn't thank them and would put gifts to one side. Take your husband lead and be glad he is in agreement with you about your dc safety. So many dc are in FOG mode and would now to parents bad behaviour.

if the OP was NC with her parents and her husband was considering undermining that by contacting her parents there would rightly be uproar on here; instead loads of people are telling the OP to effectively not support her partner!

Personally, I would say the same. Say thank you or return the gifts. You can't be both NC and keep the gifts.

Post a simple note with a perfunctory "thank you for the gifts, jolly"

You have then thanked them, but are not getting drawn into games with them by phone/ texting. You can't be accused of rudeness and have kept communications simple and formal. It isn't initiating an instant reply.

I remember the car seat post. They were thoroughly unrepentent about transporting a young child without a car seat despite the fact that it's been illegal for about 30 years.

Just tell the sister you do speak to to tell her parents thanks for the gifts. No need for you to contact them then.

You should say thank you.

Oh for goodness' sake. These rows can go on and on indefinitely if everyone plays tit for tat.

They've sent a gift for the baby. That's not 'game playing' that's an olive branch at best, or a feeling of slight obligation at worst.
Send a thank you via the SIL that you talk to, either as a simple card or as a genuine verbal message of thanks (sent because you can't message the giver yourself)

I think this 'loyalty to your partner' thing can go too far. Yes, meeting them or sending unsought messages behind his back would be poor form. But a simple thank you note for what seems to be a conciliatory gesture on their part is harmless. Maybe once they get that, they might feel that they can add you back to social media and gradually build things from there.

I really don't understand why people want to add flames to the fire.

I remember the thread too. These PILs weren't nasty and spiteful. They were beyond stupid to do what they did, and still not recognise they were in the wrong. But they didn't set out to be cruel or nasty. This is a fall out that needs mending, not continuing for the rest of your lives.

I would follow my DH’s lead on this. No thank you note and he decides weather or not to return the gift.

@saraclara it’s not an olive branch. It’s a full attempt at rug sweeping. The only olive branch that would be even acceptable is a full apology for the car seat shenanigans and for their behavior afterwords. This is just to make themselves look better without any actual consequences to their actions

@Leaannb everything has to start somewhere. It's hard to go from not speaking at all to full on apology when you don't know what sort of reception you'll get.

If this had happened to me and I'd done something stupid that had resulted in my family breaking up, I'd want to make some baby steps first in order to eventually be in a position where I could eventually meet the people I needed to apologise to, in person.

Someone's got to take the high road here, and OP saying thank you for a gift isn't a betrayal of anyone, yet it opens the door just an inch.

Here's another question - why is it the OPs job to do this? Oh yes of course: wifework.

btw, the definition of olive branch:

If you offer an olive branch to someone, you say or do something in order to show that you want to end a disagreement or quarrel.

So a full apology isn't an olive branch. The gesture that shows that you WANT to put things right, is an olive branch. So this gift fits the definition.