To not say thanks

[jollybobs89]

Ok so partner has fallen out with his parents quite bad (long story about an argument and a car seat which I have previously posted on here)

Anyway I'm 34 weeks pregnant had a baby shower last week his mum and sister didn't come, they have all blocked me the whole family apart from his other sister on social media and didn't text to say that they weren't coming to the baby shower (obviously I knew they weren't given the situation, I haven't said anything to anyone in the whole argument it's literally been between my partner and his parents) however his mum sent gifts with his other sister who has stayed out of the argument and we are still talking.

Now my initial reaction was to be polite still and text and say thanks for the gifts. However my partner has been quite firm about it and said no he doesn't want me to message. He says they didn't bother to let me know that they weren't coming and also they have blocked me so why should I text to say thank you?! I just thought be the bigger person and all however wanted to get your thoughts!

Shit situation to be honest but my partner is very much of the opinion that they need to apologise for what they have done which they do.

I think you should be the bigger person and say thank you. Fine if your husband doesn't want any contact with his parents but don't let him stop you from sending a quick thank you text if you want to.

PPs saying that you can't be no contact and also keep gifts... the in-laws are NC but have sent gifts. Surely, if you want to make peace, you start with contact, not gifts. You might start by explaining your nonattendance at the party, rather than just not turning up. You apologise by actually apologising, not by giving gifts whilst game-playing.

Giving gifts within the current climate seems to me to be inappropriate and possibly manipulative.

PPs saying that you can't be no contact and also keep gifts... the in-laws are NC but have sent gifts. Surely, if you want to make peace, you start with contact, not gifts.

See I'd say the opposite. It's REALLY hard to speak to someone for the first time after all this has happened. You don't know what reaction you'll get. So a gift (for a clear reason, like the baby gift) via a third party is a good way to put a toe in the water.

I honestly can't see where 'playing a game' comes into it.

Sara - I know what you mean about it being hard to make that move. I'm assuming that they were properly invited to the party and that they had just not turned up, without properly declining the invitation. That's pretty rude. (I'm wondering if the party was catered and paid for per head or more of a casual thing. That's probably relevant here too.)

They also haven't apologised or admitted wrong-doing over the car seat thing. That's pretty weird. I would expect a proper acknowledgement from them over this. Otherwise, how could you ever trust them again?

They might not be game-playing. But they might be. It's hard for us to know. I'm swayed by the husband's stance as he obviously knows them well. That's worth listening to.

@SandAndSea they were properly invited and my partners stance on it is well they didn't bother to message to say that they were no longer coming etc which was pretty rude. Also the baby is not just my baby so shouldn't boil down to me to say thanks however it will be me that's labelled the b1tch if I don't! So either way I'm in a no win situation haha

@saraclara I do agree it is hard to know what the reaction would be but a text to say sorry can we talk would be very easy!

@Leaannb exactly what my partner has said that a message will just cause them to fully sweep it all under the carpet.

To be honest I do what this all resolving but it has got quite far now, and messages been received from them to us calling us controlling parents, that we are pathetic etc and that basically my partner has changed since he met me! All because we were cross that they didn't put DD in a car seat when they took her out!! So I'm inclined to not back down on this.

Then return the presents

Controlling parents? Because you demand that they use a carseat?

They are mental

however it will be me that's labelled the b1tch if I don't! So either way I'm in a no win situation haha

Then it should be your DH that returns the gifts.

If these are genuinely people who would call you a bitch in the circumstances you describe, then I think you have your answer.