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Original poster

To not say thanks

84 replies

jollybobs89 · 13/02/2020 22:52

Ok so partner has fallen out with his parents quite bad (long story about an argument and a car seat which I have previously posted on here)

Anyway I'm 34 weeks pregnant had a baby shower last week his mum and sister didn't come, they have all blocked me the whole family apart from his other sister on social media and didn't text to say that they weren't coming to the baby shower (obviously I knew they weren't given the situation, I haven't said anything to anyone in the whole argument it's literally been between my partner and his parents) however his mum sent gifts with his other sister who has stayed out of the argument and we are still talking.

Now my initial reaction was to be polite still and text and say thanks for the gifts. However my partner has been quite firm about it and said no he doesn't want me to message. He says they didn't bother to let me know that they weren't coming and also they have blocked me so why should I text to say thank you?! I just thought be the bigger person and all however wanted to get your thoughts!

Shit situation to be honest but my partner is very much of the opinion that they need to apologise for what they have done which they do.

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 14/02/2020 01:15

How often do you see/speak to your other SIL? The one that you're still in contact with? Could you possibly send a message back with her? Something along the lines of 'could you pass on my thanks to your mum for the gifts please, they were lovely' that way you've not gone against your husband's wishes but you've also been gracious....kinda like a loophole? Maybe?

katy1213 · 14/02/2020 01:29

Send a written thank you, presumably you know their address. As for blocking you on social media ... are you in the playground? Who cares?

SandAndSea · 14/02/2020 02:16

To me, the present giving smacks of game playing. I mean, why send a gift when you've blocked the person, are scapegoating them and didn't show up to their party? For this reason, even though I am a big 'thank youer' normally, I don't think I would thank them on this occasion. (And actually didn't myself in a similar situation.)

If someone wants to give presents to the baby, there's plenty of time to do that in the future, when they're talking to you again. That assumes they're planning to talk to you again, and if they're not, then, again, why send a present?

Similarly, you can always thank them in the future, should things resolve.

Overall, the whole thing sounds muddly, manipulative and drama-fuelled and I wouldn't want to play. (But, I'm answering based on my experiences, which may not be anything like yours.)

HisValentine · 14/02/2020 02:24

I would tell my DH that I was going to text them to say thank you, and literally just that. I would tell him I saying thank you because it is the right thing to do.
They already dislike you, ignoring them isn't going to make that any better.

SandAndSea · 14/02/2020 02:33

His - But it might foster some respect.

OP, following on from what I wrote before... Another way to see it could be that the social contract between you has been broken. From what you've written, it sounds like it's them who've broken it. Therefore, normal social rules don't apply and you are free from the usual obligation to thank them at this time.

1forAll74 · 14/02/2020 03:41

I would send a thank you card, but never had to deal with the issue of silly people who block people on social media. crazy world these days !

AdobeWanKenobi · 14/02/2020 04:48

Are these the in laws who took child out with no car seat and refused to accept any wrongdoing?
If so personally I’d return the gifts.
If you keep them they will just gossip about how you can’t speak to them but you can accept presents.

farnworth · 14/02/2020 05:43

I can’t believe the posters who are encouraging you to send a thank you message after your partner has made it clear he doesn’t want you to. I am a big believer in sending thanks but in this case I think it would be wrong. His parents are trying to pin the blame on you, he is standing up for you. If you send thanks, like some advise, you are making a mockery of his support for you. Totally agree with poster above who said it would be a betrayal.

Original poster
jollybobs89 · 14/02/2020 07:07

@AdobeWanKenobi yep those are the ones!! It's pretty ridiculous to be honest however still haven't spoken to us since that day and since then blocked all contact with me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
jollybobs89 · 14/02/2020 07:08

@katy1213 I wouldn't normally care however it would indicate that they don't want to speak to me so would they expect me to go out of my way to try and contact them and say thank you.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 14/02/2020 07:26

I would write out a thank you card, address the envelope, stick a stamp on it... then give it to your DP to decide whether to post or not.

SimonJT · 14/02/2020 07:28

I would send a thank you card/note, I would also remind my partner that he doesn’t get to decide who I do and don’t contact.

user1493413286 · 14/02/2020 07:33

I would leave it; they’re your partners family and he feels strongly about it. If them sending presents was a bit of a olive branch then I’d see the point but it doesn’t sound like it so leave it

iStruggleWithThePast · 14/02/2020 07:41

If your going to keep the gifts you need to say thank you, regardless of the fall out with their son a short text will do

If your not going to say thank you you need to send them back,

But sending them back will just continue the fall out i presume,

And it also depends on the backstory doesnt it, prior to the fall out did you all get on well? Or is it a family who is always arguing, falling out amongst themselves? If its the first then i probably would say thank you, if they have form for this behaviour, send the gift back and continue low contact

Original poster
jollybobs89 · 14/02/2020 07:48

@farnworth completely agree with you, it's his family so I need to respect his wishes really as if it was the other way round I'd be fuming if he went behind my back and contacted them.

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 14/02/2020 08:05

Don't thank them behind your husbands back. It’s your husbands baby too so there is no more obligation for you to thank anyone than for him.
So many pp’s complain about spineless husbands then you get a good one and people are advocating deceit.

FizzyIce · 14/02/2020 08:16

Just a simple “Thank you for the gifts “ card .
No kisses , no “love from..” just a plain thank you card .
I couldn’t receive gifts and not say anything

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 14/02/2020 08:19

You tell him you're contacting them and just send a message that says thank you for the gifts, they'll be very useful/baby will look lovely in them etc. You always say thank you for a gift and if for no other reason they won't be able to throw back at you 'we sent op gifts for the baby and she didn't even say thanks' take the moral high ground

Daftodil · 14/02/2020 08:38

It is his family, so if they make up, your PIL will easily forgive him for the lack of a thank you card. Will they forgive you as easily?

Vulpine · 14/02/2020 08:41

If you hadn't had a baby shower you wouldn't be in this situation

Andtwomakesix · 14/02/2020 08:51

I'd text a very generic thank you message. I wouldn't lower myself to their level. I'd tell my partner though.

Suchafaff · 14/02/2020 09:06

I don't talk to my MIL - she is horrible to me and after a particularly selfish act on a very special day for me I decided enough was enough.

So if she sends presents for my girls I get the oldest to record a thank you message and my DH sends it.

I try and not give her anything negative to say about me because she tends to send out a 'Family Update' email that I am often mentioned in ha ha.

Smartanimal · 14/02/2020 09:24

So they blocked you on social media but sent you a present. It is very contradictory behaviour and confusing.
Like schafernaker suggested sent them a thank you card back to them with the sister. The rift is not between you and them so don’t otherwise do anything about the situation. Just remember that your husband and them might make their peace later on, so if you stay out of this whole malarkey you come out unscathed.

drinkygin · 14/02/2020 11:11

They’ve sent the gifts to make a point. They sound childish and pathetic. I would return the gifts to them and not say thank you. Don’t play along with their silly games.

BrimfulofSasha · 14/02/2020 11:17

Not sending a thank you will only make the situation worse.
You should say thank you (I'd send a card) for the gift, it could be an olive branch from them.

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