Is direct cremation selfish?

[Babysharkdoodoodood]

DH and I are doing our wills and I've said I just want direct cremation with £500 put aside for drinks and sandwiches at the pub.

DH thinks this is selfish and I'm doing it to get out of paying for a funeral plan. That's it partly, but I think it's such a waste. I'm dead. I'm not going to care about a naive coffin and funeral car.

I would rather have the money to go to my kids and if the people I'm leaving behind want to mourn, they can do it in private and have a wake at the pub, with drinks on me.

I've never been one for ceremony. Our wedding was registry office and a small meal. So why should that change in death?

And besides if DH wants the full works, then he can pay for it?

*naice coffin. Not naive

I don't think it's selfish but a lot of people really struggle with grieving and closure without some kind of funeral service at church/crem.

YANBU. I'd be happy to not have money wasted on a funeral. They are so overpriced.

Given my dad doesn't have a funeral plan and I'm his eldest (he isn't married) I'm assuming it will fall to me. I'm thinking it will be a direct cremation as I can't afford to fund a funeral. In his mind selling his stuff afterwards will apparently fund it though.

I think diect cremations with a gathering elsewhere is sufficient. I don't need to go to the actual funeral bit, which I loathe to remember and grieve.

And the coincidence fairy strikes again...... I have been having this conversation with my Mum this afternoon - sorry to bring things down but she's got terminal cancer and has a matter of months left. She has threatened to haunt me badly if I spend what little she has from her insurance policies on a funeral. Bit of a wake with nearest and dearest is fine, but she wants the rest to be as pared down and utilitarian as possible. I will respect her wishes, because what else can I do? And likewise you should do what you feel is right for you. I hope you and your DH can reach an accord - sorting it before it becomes a painful reality is preferable to flailing around in grief IMHO. I totally understand and will apply the same principles when I go. Best wishes OP.

If he wants all the ceremony, then have a memorial afterwards but the disposal is your choice.

@OldQueen1969 Yeah. It's at the forefront of my mind as I recovered from breast cancer in 2013. Just been fast tracked to urology for a Cystoscopy and the gp gave me a cancer research information leaflet (thanks). Got the appointment through for a week on Tuesday. Suspiciously quick for the nhs.

I don't think it's selfish at all. Could you maybe put something in to hire a celebrant to say some words about you at the drinks do? We had a simple cremation for my dad and the celebrant was magnificent. She'd never met him but you'd never have guessed it. My uncle said some words too, then we went off to eat, drink and reminisce. The "official" words about Dad really did bring some closure to us

I don't think there is anything wrong with your choice.
When my dd died, i found the amount of people there overwhelming. At the cemetery the cars were backed all the way onto the main road outside.
There must have been several hundred people there.

Looking back i wished we would have had a private funeral for family only, to me that would have been more personal.
Funerals cost a lot, I've heard of lot's of people now choosing direct cremation. I imagine it will become more and more popular in the future.

My dad passed away last year, he had a basic funeral with a local independent funeral Director, a cremation service, 1 hearse, 1 limo, small but nice flower arrangement, humanist ceremony & a wake lunch for 50 at a local pub with sandwiches, quiches, trays of chips, cakes, tea & coffee. The whole thing cost less than £3.5k, to have the same thing with a chain of funeral directors like Co-OP it would have been £5.5I. I have already decided when my time comes I want a direct cremation, no service or wake, I won't have any family except ds, no real friends, I would rather leave more money for ds to do what he wants with as I know he won't get much from his dad ( we have been divorced 10 years)

David Bowie did it, the founder of body shop... It's very common.

Read about it.

Also check out the good funeral guide.

People don't talk about funerals really it's taboo but they are just as open to costs spiraling as weddings and your grieving.

I also hope direct cremation takes off, there are so many ways you can do it and have a memorable meal or gathering.

Not selfish at all.

A good friend of mine’s partner died of cancer. Instead of a funeral there was a gathering at the deceased’s favourite park / garden and there were a couple of lovely speeches and it was peaceful and beautiful.

Dm’S funeral and wake cost £8k in total - a pretty average cremation and Semi-religious ceremony, Traditional and nice but no cars (like she wanted) followed by an excellent party where the bubbles flowed and everyone had a great time which she would have loved. The crem and ceremony cost £7k, the party £1k. Frankly we could have done a direct crem for £1000, skipped the ceremony and done the readings and eulogy at the party, it would have been even better and more in character and saved £thousands. That’s my plan when my time comes.

If folk want to grieve they can organise a service or a get together themselves , your own wishes should be respected

Ah OP x Sorry to hear that - hope it all turns out better than it seems at the moment - sending an un-Mumsnetty hug your way as I am slightly in my cups ...... My Mum has chosen the song "I did it My Way" sung by Shirley Bassey for when the time comes...... wonderfully apt for such a formidable woman ...... sorry - rambling again........ but all the very best xxx

OP I agree with you. I've been thinking about giving my body to medical science. I can't bear the thought of my DC's having to witness my burial or cremation. I'm aware that might be tough for them. Direct cremation sounds less tougher for loved ones.
Then of course some sort of remembrance party afterwards.

I think a lot of funerals have become major productions. One of my neighbours died last year and her family organised a 90-minute ceremony during which dozens of people got up to tell us what a nice woman she'd been. She hadn't had a particularly interesting or eventful life so there wasn't much to say, but every one of her entire large family got up to tell us how nice she was and how much they'd miss her and then chose a song they associated with her. It went on and on. They were videoing each other for FB and it became quite competitive. The crematorium was cold, the seats were hard and lots of us got up and slipped out quietly. It felt a really sad ending for a good woman.

I was so horrified at the thought of my friends and family doing something similar that I emailed everyone I could think of and told them I wanted direct cremation and then a short celebration and a meal at a later date.

I already want to be cremated so my ashes can be buried with my DD.
I don't see the need to get everyone to travel over to a crematorium & waste time & money, I would much rather have a private cremation with a bit of a eulogy or whatever with a big party at a local pub really.

Thank you for posting, I don’t think people talk about this enough, sorry for what you’ve been through and I don’t think you’re selfish. While I’m hear, when you say ‘doing our wills’ do you mind me asking - how do you do that? Is there a special form or piece of paper?

Asking because I want to get on top of this! :)

You can put your wishes for it but you cannot compel anyone to do as you wish after you are dead, it's up to them I'm afraid.

I don't think it's selfish. I have out in my will that I want is basic cremation. I actually don't care but I don't want my family to feel they have to do something big because "it's the right thing to do/what she would have wanted". I just want them to know it's OK not to. But if they want to spend their inheritance on my funeral, that's their choice too!

No.

@oatmilk4breakfast

It's best to get a solicitor or professional will writer to draw up your wills.

i think your dh means hes being selfish esp if you go first no offence-its up to you what funeral you want

I’m with you OP. I’m not religious and I have no interest in people holding a funeral for me. I’m happy to leave provision for a nice lunch or afternoon tea.