Is direct cremation selfish?

[Babysharkdoodoodood]

DH and I are doing our wills and I've said I just want direct cremation with £500 put aside for drinks and sandwiches at the pub.

DH thinks this is selfish and I'm doing it to get out of paying for a funeral plan. That's it partly, but I think it's such a waste. I'm dead. I'm not going to care about a naive coffin and funeral car.

I would rather have the money to go to my kids and if the people I'm leaving behind want to mourn, they can do it in private and have a wake at the pub, with drinks on me.

I've never been one for ceremony. Our wedding was registry office and a small meal. So why should that change in death?

And besides if DH wants the full works, then he can pay for it?

There's a really helpful leaflet that you can download from here which enables you to record your funeral wishes whatever they may be.

I don't think it is but then again it's what my mum wants to do so maybe I am used to the idea by now. I'd do the same I think.

That said, the funeral is for those left behind. If your DH survives you and wants to do the whole shebang then he can still do that and pay for it himself surely? We wanted to do direct cremation for my dad, but my half siblings needed the closure of a ceremony, so we did that for them instead. You do what the surviving family needs. You can plan whatever you want OP :)

Funerals are for the living loved ones not the deceased

Well you could say the "living loved ones" are selfish if they want to overide the deceased's wishes.

Depends what you want I guess? My grandmother died on Tuesday - she left specific instructions on what colours her children, grandchildren should wear, how long her wake is, when to cremate and where her final resting place should be.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, @Babysharkdoodoodood. How would you feel if your family decided to have a memorial of some sort for you, in addition to the direct cremation that you want? Not a full funeral with the cars and the vicar etc, but some sort of gathering that allowed them to grieve together? Would you be OK with that, and would your dh accept it as a reasonable compromise?

I think there's confusion..
.
Having a direct cremation doesn't mean you CANT have a memorial service/celebration of life... Just that it takes place separately to the coffin....

I loathe cremations with a passion... Not the act of burning a coffin but often crematoria are completely soulless places.

I've told my family I want a direct cremation but everyone is to have a party where people can eat, drink and tell stories about me and have a giggle.

When my Dad died he had said that he didn't want everyone at his church service to have to traipse to the crematorium (20 miles away) afterwards and that he'd be happy for that bit to happen without anyone present.

However, we found that it worked better to separate the (crematorium) funeral from a memorial service. So we had a small, private funeral for very close family only at the crematorium, followed by a thanksgiving service in his local church a week later. We did the same when my Mum died a couple of years later. Personally, this worked really well for me and my sister because we were able to be sad together in private for the funeral, where there was no pressure to socialise or host, and then shift the focus to remembering happy times and celebrating their lives with their friends.

I didn't know about direct cremations then but I think it's a good idea. You could still have a thanksgiving service at a church or just a party if you wanted to provide an event for friends etc.

No, I think you're very wise. To be honest, these companies taking so much money for funerals is ridiculous, I've always thought it quite sick.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I think I said that I was going to put £500 aside for drinks etc in the pub or wherever. So people can get together without all the ceremonial claptrap etc. Just no need for it.

So people can get together without all the ceremonial claptrap etc. Just no need for it.

But actually, a lot of people do have a need for it, that is the point.
You might not feel the need, but with funerals, it is more about the need of those left behind.
So, IMO, if you feel there is no need, then it should be dh's will that says 'no funeral' as if he goes first, you think you don't need that ceremonial part to it but if you go first, dh is saying that actually he feels he will want that chance to celebrate your life as part of a ceremony and I think you specifically stating you don't want him to be able to do that is selfish.

We used this last year when DFIL died. Kind, efficient and cost effective.
My Mum died a few years ago and I didn't want DD to see a coffin with her Granny in, so we had a cremation attended only by me and a friend and then a memorial service later.
Direct cremation was vastly cheaper. PIL did not want a fuss or church service so it was ideal.

Funerals are for the living , they help with the grieving process

Direct cremation planned here too for both DH and I.
We don't even want any get togethers, speeches parties or anything of that ilk.
Have told relevant family members what to expect, or rather, what not to expect.
Have advised DH that when the time comes, if he feels differently and feels a need to have the full works, just go for it. I won't come back and haunt him.
Would much rather save the money to give to the family youths as I suspect, they will need it.

It seems like an excellent idea in theory. But when my dad died, I couldn't rest til we'd had his funeral. I needed to see him put to rest to move on. I'd like my family to have the same opportunity.

Gosh, when my brother died just before he turned 26, I very much needed his funeral, I didn’t want it, but I needed it.

I can’t imaging how much more difficult the grieving process would have been without that landmark.

We are both having direct cremation, as is my mother. None of us want any religious content whatsoever. I have suggested my ashes are either scattered in a requested place or a tree is planted. I suppose it would be up to my husband if he wanted to invite me.

A friend was furious at her brother's wife who insisted on overriding his wishes and instead having a full on religious funeral. He hated organised religion. It actually split the family worse than the bereavement did and years on many people still don't speak over it. My friend didn't go to the funeral as she felt the whole thing was disrespecting her brother. Things can get very heated about things like this which is why the deceased wishes should be respected

Invite me, I meant invite others. I would be there in a manner of speaking

We are both having direct cremation, as is my mother. None of us want any religious content whatsoever.

You can have a normal cremation with no religious content, we did for my nan, we had a humanist and mostly she talked about her Labour party activity.

I think direct cremation just means the body gets taken to the crem and cremated when they can fit it in, so no attendees, no set time, you might not even know which crem.
Obviously that also means no religious content but it's not the only way to have no religious content.

Personally I quite like a funeral.

My dp didn't go to his late wife's cremation as he cannot stand them. He thinks crems are hideous. I find death and the rituals sort of fascinating. But I don't care what people do when I die. I just want them to know they don't have to spend their inheritance on getting rid of my body if they don't want to. But if they do want to that's up to them as well.

Maybe he's thinking that if you die before him, he'll want a funeral for you and, in the absence of a plan, will need to pay for it himself.

If so, you could view it as selfish of him, for wanting you to pay for something that's entirely for him.

I also hope direct cremation takes off, there are so many ways you can do it and have a memorable meal or gathering

So do I. A decent business opportunity as well as maybe offering a package for someone to say a few words at a venue of your choice. A fuckton cheaper than your average funeral parlour.

I don't want people around my coffin but I do want a memorial where words can be said and attended by the people who want to be there rather than family I never see feeling obliged. The husband feels the same.

Times are changing, why can't the way we dispose of our bodies change as well?

Had another discussion and he's come around. I'm setting up a direct debit to my every day savings so the money will be there. Just changing the will bit to specify direct cremation.
He's still setting up a coop plan though for the full works.

My direct cremation is all sorted. They can have a get together if they want at some point but no service, flowers, general fuss.
Dh isn't happy...a lapsed Catholic, he thinks you" should" have a funeral. He has no funeral plans in place yet....I'm certainly not paying £5000 plus for him, or sitting in a church.
Funny how some people think its morbid talking about death.

I think it's selfish to dictate exactly what funeral you want. I absolutely think everyone should put "I would like..." in their wills, and put money aside for it, but I think if you have children or a spouse it should have a caveat of "but, please feel free to have a service/funeral/wake if you wish" to give them the freedom to grieve how they may need too.

It makes no difference to the dead, but could make a lot of difference to the living

Maybe he's thinking that if you die before him, he'll want a funeral for you and, in the absence of a plan, will need to pay for it himself.

Really bizarre.

When you're married of course you pay for your spouse's funeral out of joint funds. It makes no difference if that is paid as part of an upfront payment plan or paid after death, it's all marital money. And unless a spouse is considering leaving all their money to someone other than their spouse (unusual) then the surviving spouse obviously pays it from the estate. In fact, even if they do leave all their money elsewhere, the funeral is paid from the estate.

You can make it known what type of funeral you would prefer but you cannot compel people to do it how you want.

It'll be a direct cremation for me and DH too. Ours families find this a bit odd. But we didn't do a big wedding either and they are all about the big show.
We had registry office, in clothes we already owned and a small family meal after. No honeymoon. We pleased ourselves.
Same for funeral.
Hope our family members all have funeral plans cos we won't be paying for them, and we'll be paying as little as possible for our own. Our money is to be enjoyed by the people we leave behind, not sucked away by funeral directors and florists.