Is direct cremation selfish?

[Babysharkdoodoodood]

DH and I are doing our wills and I've said I just want direct cremation with £500 put aside for drinks and sandwiches at the pub.

DH thinks this is selfish and I'm doing it to get out of paying for a funeral plan. That's it partly, but I think it's such a waste. I'm dead. I'm not going to care about a naive coffin and funeral car.

I would rather have the money to go to my kids and if the people I'm leaving behind want to mourn, they can do it in private and have a wake at the pub, with drinks on me.

I've never been one for ceremony. Our wedding was registry office and a small meal. So why should that change in death?

And besides if DH wants the full works, then he can pay for it?

There was an "Is no funeral selfish?" thread on AIBU today. I expect most of the posts on here will end up rehashing the arguments that are already on the existing thread.

Anyway, YNBU. It's what I intend doing. I'm planning on going down to a funeral director's on Saturday. I know they do direct cremations; just hoping they do prepaid plans.

I commented on a similar thread a couple of weeks ago - it was more about the costs associated with funerals though.
I have mixed feelings about it really. I totally understand why you might make the choice not to have a traditional funeral, but on the other hand, I do think it can be very therapeutic for the family and friends to have a formalised focus for their thoughts and feelings.
When dh died (far too young), his funeral was attended by loads of people, some of whom I had never met - they told me things about their interactions with dh, what he had meant to them, what their connection was.
They gave me an insight into the man I had known since we were 20, showed me another side of him, it was so lovely. Those people wouldn’t have been able to talk to me and our ds without his funeral.
I think funerals are for the people left behind, not so much the person who has died, and within reason of course, whatever helps them, and makes things as easy as possible.....that should be what happens.

I don't think it's selfish, it's just a practical way of disposing of a body and need have nothing to do with any celebrations of life or other gatherings.

My lovely dad (d 2016) didn't want a funeral service and I didn't really feel like organising anything so I asked around and was pleased to discover the idea of Direct Disposal.

It was £1,294 and as far as I'm aware an unmarked van collected him from the hospital morgue, took him to the crematorium, cremated him and disposed of the ashes. No-one attended (it's not part of the deal, no-one else but me knew the details beyond 'there's no service') and I had a letter to tell me the date / approx time of the cremation.

I did ask the hospital if they couldn't just dispose of him through clinical waste but apparently that's not the done thing (and also he was quite tall!).

Definitely not for everyone, but it suited us.

Jo

I too am considering donating my body to medical science. I like the idea of being useful after death.

I think funerals are for the people left behind, not so much the person who has died, and within reason of course, whatever helps them, and makes things as easy as possible.....that should be what happens

I'm glad you found some solace in your husband's funeral, Fabellini

I found arranging and attending the funerals of both my parents utterly harrowing. Neither events brought me any comfort. I'd prefer direct cremation and DH and DC to go off on a lovely holiday to remember me and start to heal.

How is it selfish? I think wanting a big service for yourself is selfish. What you are doing is the opposite of selfish.

Besides, it's your wishes about want you want done with your body. If you can't be 'selfish' about that, when can you? Being selfish is not always a bad thing, your DH is being selfish trying to impose his wishes on you.

Does the family still get given the ashes if you have a direct cremation?

I personally don't think you're selfish, I don't want a funeral of any sorts, my body is too knackered and fat to be accepted for medical science, but it isn't for 'crash test dummy' testing in the states, shove my body in the freezer and send me off, I'll be dead, I don't care.

If anyone arranges a funeral for me for folks that didn't want to know me while I was alive to turn up, then by help me God if being a ghost is possible I'll haunt them something rotten.

Sorry to hear that, OP. We got the cheapest funeral we could manage for my mother because those were her wishes, though it didn't end up anything as cheap as you are planning. Just make sure everyone who matters knows what you want.

And hopefully that is still going to be a distant future.

My mum wanted her body to be donated to a medical school, but she had terminal cancer and nobody wanted her remains. Couldn’t donate anything, not even her corneas due to laser eye surgery.

If she wasn’t donated she insisted she didn’t want a funeral, but would like a fun-eral / party.

We looked at direct cremation but honestly when we heard the specifics we really struggled with it. My sister and I were there when she died but my brother wasn’t so we thought he may want the option of seeing her beforehand.

In the end we had a very simple cremation, just immediate family, no service, just a few of us sitting around the coffin and saying our goodbyes. (Then we chartered a boat, had a big party and released her ashes from the boat).

If it had been in her will, so we definitely knew that’s what she wanted, I would have been much more comfortable with it.

I would do it. Your send off doesn’t have to be a funeral. I guess a lot depends on whether you have children, their ages etc.

I am strongly drawn to this kind of arrangement. Just hate the idea of the massive waste of money. I have a deep faith and it doesn’t seem incompatible to me, there can still be a simple service and memorial if the family would like that, without all the paraphernalia. I’ve mentioned this to my DH and eldest son and haven’t really had a strong reaction either way. I’m working on it, and in the meantime have left a letter to the kids saying both DH and I want simple, inexpensive funerals (think Direct Cremation might be a step too far for DH)

OP, I wish you well, you’ve already been through it in 2013 and hopefully these tests will give you a positive outcome

@27RainbowMum11 I'm so sorry for your loss.
I even have a place to be buried too with my dd. But I can't bear the thought of my two subsequent DC's having to deal with it. First DD had passed before they were born. DC's can always put my ashes in there when they're ready.
I just don't want that freaking funeral bit for them. We've spoken about it too. And I know they'll appreciate my wishes.

@Shockers of you choose a direct cremation via a local funeral director £1500-2000 ish then yes, you will get the ashes back.
Some of the tv / online companies have the ashes scattered at the crematorium - and it's important to note that this may be miles away from your area as there are very few funeral director firms willing to handle these jobs, (they are "subbed out" by the companies)

I have never hear about direct cremation- thats an eye opener. What a great idea, I will have to discuss with DH. I would much rather a party at our local where I expect lots of tears and eulogies before everyone has fun listening to my favourite music and having many drinks!

Not selfish. I want the same, as does DW

After many discussions between DH and I and having been to many, many funerals myself I have concluded that it's up to living to choose how they want to deal with it. I'm dead and will have no awareness, no wishes to see be overturned or complied with and, at that point, it's not about me but how those left need to cope with it.

Conversely, my mother gave us a list of music she wanted played at her funeral - when and why. It gave us a structure to the service and I know we got it right for what she wanted. But, she will never know...

I have done the paperwork to donate my body to science. All the family are aware of it. There's no guarantee that they will want my body though so that's what got us talking about funerals.

Surely having a get together at the pub or whatever is a ceremony of sorts?

When I read the other thread that is currently running , I thought people meant that they were 'forbidding' their friends and relatives to have any sort of get together in their memory, and I was at how cruel that was.

But people seem to be talking about having a get together of some sorts separately to actually disposing of the body. Isn't that fairly normal? I've been to loads of funerals where the actual burial or cremation part is private, with only the closest relatives in attendance. I didn't go to the actual burial part of my own dad's funeral.

It is a bit selfish, in that you are deciding how others should grieve for you.(Which is the same as any funeral plan)

I would totally be up for a direct cremation, i agree with the whole idea of minimising the cost etc. It would be my choice. However by that point ill be dead, and the ones who have to decide if they want that are my family.

My friend who died young had one and was adamant in what he wanted but actually it was selfish for him. He had children who needed a service, he wanted the whole thing to be done as "no fuss" but actually to those surrounding his their husband, dad etc had died and they very much wanted a fuss. They wantes a significant event where they could talk about him, mark his passing etc and his direction of an unmarked grave, just a few drinks in a pub was actually one of the hardest things about his death. They felt it was swept under the carpet.

Funerals are for the living loved ones not the deceased

I guess it depends on the feelings of the people left behind. The deceased wont know anything about it, but those grieving for them will have their own feelings to cope with.

My mum's mentioned a direct cremation, which I think I'd be OK with doing, but I worry my siblings will disagree. So I'd prefer her to have written her wishes down in her will, so it's less like I'm being a cheapskate. I'd organise a direct cremation for myself, too.

DM used to volunteer to sit with a lady in a nursing home a few days a week and got close enough to attend the ladies funeral when her time came .
The service was held in a chapel in Canterbury and the undertakers took the coffin away to Barham Crem on its own, as stipulated by the deceased prior to her passing .
The wake occurred in a room off of the main chapel .
DM liked that idea but since DF died last May and had a service at the Crem I think she has changed her mind but not sure .

Oh I forgot to add. The lady had no actual "family" left and at the service so this may have had a bearing on her decision ? Not sure of course.

As far as I understand it, a direct cremation has no service associated at all, so the body goes directly from funeral home to the crematorium for disposal of the body at whatever time best suits the crem.

About a year ago there was a thread about funerals and a couple of us mentioned direct cremation and got a barrage of 'selfish' comments. This is the second thread I've seen about this recently and it seems to be a far more talked about (and accepted) option. I've never wanted a funeral, I've never felt any kind of life celebration, closure etc by attending one either. I want direct cremation - and then possibly a bench, I like a bench, people can come and sit on the bench if they want to say goodbye or have a chat (or tell me I'm a selfish cow for not having a funeral). If people feel the need to mark my existence in some way I'd far rather they made a donation to a relevant charity - something that's been common instead of funeral flowers for ages.

Ah . Thanks @GruciusMalfoy . The lady didn't have a direct one then so not sure on my DMs thoughts on that one . Sorry OP .
Personally speaking though I would be up for it for myself as , to me, when those curtains close I find it so absolutely Final and absolutely devastating so if I can save my children and any GCs that may come along, that horrible feel I would have direct and leave money that would have been spent so they can have a damn good drink up .