To roll my eyes at ‘desperate for a third child’

[Firstdatesboxsets]

I’m on a doctors fb group and it’s so frustrating sometimes in many ways.

Someone is now apparantly desperate for a third child. I cannot understand the self indulgence of posting this amoungst others who are desperate for their first. AIBU to this this is so completely and totally insensitive. I would love a third for many reasons but won’t, and I just cannot understand how someone who has two healthy children could think it’s ok to post about their disappointment about struggling to have number 3 when some are struggling to even have one.

Grief, desperation, upset - none of these things are a competition. People live different lives and experience their own ups and downs... I think you need to stop comparing and judging. If you have nothing kind or helpful to say to them then just don’t engage and don’t worry about it.

Couldn’t get worked up / annoyed about it (and i had fertility problems and eventual ivf).

I think you are BU, I’m afraid. Can two people not be in pain and struggling at once? A very lovely friend of mine has just suffered a third miscarriage. Should she say nothing about her - very real- distress because she has a child already and someone else doesn’t?

I agree with PP that it isn't a competition and I hate the idea of one person's grief being more important than the other.

But if it bothers you then you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave the group... Do what makes you feel better.

Ok, thanks. I’m really struggling to not have a ‘for goodness sake’ reaction. I do wish I didn’t have that reaction of course.
(I haven’t and won’t say anything of course)

I think I have a similar reaction to you OP, but I find it worse when people ask randoms on the internet whether they should have a third child or not!!

Yabu

I agree with you. People need to think before posting. This is why most infertility forms have seperate threads / sections for secondary and tertiary infertility

Well, I have two children , followed by 3/4 losses (miscarriage, tfmr, probable chemical pregnancy, missed miscarriage).

Before I had these losses, I wasn't desperate. But desperation has been part of grieving our losses. Giving birth to a dead baby, seeing a foetus lying lifeless on a scan, telling your partner the baby whose heart you saw beat on a screen died, doesn't become easy because of what you already have. And now we have stopped ttc, there will always be a sense of loss, of something incomplete.

I know how lucky I am to have children, believe me. And I'd never compare my pain to that of someone with no children. But my pain and grief is real, and that's ok. And I think most people struggling with loss or infertility sympathise with each other, they don't set up in competition.

Thank you, it’s that I find the thought of not being a mother at all, so completely completely different to having two but not being able to have a third.
I will, of course I will keep my mouth shut and scroll on, but thank you to those who made me feel less of a monster for feeling that way.

I had twins as my first pregnancy and it was a bad one, followed by a prem birth and 4 month NICU stay for both of them and I know how lucky I am to have both home and with me now. But I mourn that I wasn’t able to hold them until several days after their birth (they were transferred to a separate hospital that didn’t have capacity to take me as an inpatient) that they had to fight so hard for so long, I still carry emotional wounds from all of it. Then I fell pregnant with their little brother Christopher and I felt a huge pull towards him; not only because I was lucky to have fallen pregnant at all the first time, let alone a second, but that I wanted to do everything and anything I could to get him to term healthy and strong. I got him to term and he was big and strong, until he died in womb three days before I was due to be induced. I created a space for that little boy in my head and heart and planned everything I could feasibly plan to manage a newborn and twin toddlers and it never came to be. So I would say I’m desperate for a fourth, because a part of me always will be. I hope that wouldn’t be something to make anybody’s eyes roll but the point here is, it’s not in competition and it’s for fear of reactions like yours that I won’t often speak of my yearning even though my thoughts and feelings on the matter are valid

@SylvanianFrenemies I’m so sorry for your loss

This would have really bothered me while we were dealing with infertility.

Now I have dc (our only due to infertility) and am delighted about our family setup and think even if I could have more children, I probably wouldn't.

I feel sympathy for people that aren't content. Contentment is highly underrated.

Oh NaviSprite, you write so beautifully about your lovely Christopher. I totally relate to you saying about creating a space in your head and heart

Oh SF that sounds very hard, I’m sorry. thank you for the insight.
There’s always more to a post than what is posted isn’t there.
It is of course important for anyone to ask for support when they are struggling. I think I’ve just got too many friends who have struggled to have even one child, for me to ever feel able to ever consider publically complaining about not being able to have more. But that’s my issue I suppose.

YANBU

Ergh that came out wrong not complaining, that’s a bad word. Sorry, oh dear, I think I’m realiseing I’m just being inconsiderate and insensitive.
Thank you to everyone and sorry

Eh? Isn’t everyone on that group already a mum so there’s very little chance of upsetting those struggling to have a first? I thought that was the point of the group - I haven’t seen any posts from those struggling to conceive their first child on there but perhaps I’ve missed them.

Plus the poster wasn’t really posting about their disappointment but asking advice re benefit of laparoscopy! And they acknowledged they were lucky to have two.

Everyone’s different and the longing for a third may facilely be diminished as lesser or more self indulgent than those longing for a first but that is so superficial. I don’t want to compare or judge their pain-who knows what they feel or what drives it.

navi and sylvanian I'm so sorry for your losses

I have 3dc and it was a genuine yearning that I would have found very difficult to shake. It comes from having a profoundly disabled sibling as my only sibling. I would love to have another sibling to share the load with as my parents get too old to deal with him. I never wanted that for my own children so having three was always important to me.

Maybe everyone has their reasons...

Yes I have one and wrestle with wanting a second which may never happen. However I would never moan on a public forum about being desperate for another.
Those with one or more can in no way understand the pain people feel when they don’t have one.
I’m not saying others can’t feel grief for their individual circumstances (I do and it’s not wrong) but have some tact!

The only place for this would be specific secondary infertility forums

Sorry I didn’t want to sound so accusatory in my post OP, it is that we all have our own story but I wouldn’t ever think to bemoan my circumstances to a person struggling with infertility I understand why people do find it insensitive given the circumstances at surface value.

Sylvanianfrenemies thank you - it’s something I’ve tried to articulate to family but they don’t understand - they think I mean to say that having one more attempt would replace Christopher and erase his loss, it’s not that at all, sometimes it’s almost a primal feeling (very much exacerbated when I’m ovulating) to have that baby I had created a place for in my arms... argh I’m getting a bit muddled now

Do they have 2 of the same sex.

I always wanted a boy, and although I love my girls my family wouldn't be complete without him.

You cannot Understand why that person's family dynamic is important and a woman's need for a child is important.

Oh NaviSprite, I’m so sorry for your loss. You have eloquently and beautifully shared your story and generously given us an insight into your yearning.

What is this group? Is it for people suffering infertility?

The infertility board here have people wanting a second child. I don’t think it’s a problem, unless anyone is saying it’s worse than never being able to have a child at all.