To roll my eyes at ‘desperate for a third child’

[Firstdatesboxsets]

I’m on a doctors fb group and it’s so frustrating sometimes in many ways.

Someone is now apparantly desperate for a third child. I cannot understand the self indulgence of posting this amoungst others who are desperate for their first. AIBU to this this is so completely and totally insensitive. I would love a third for many reasons but won’t, and I just cannot understand how someone who has two healthy children could think it’s ok to post about their disappointment about struggling to have number 3 when some are struggling to even have one.

I struggled to have my one. I'm now struggling to have a second.

The pull is different, but just as intense

I don't begrudge her yearning for a third. Secondary infertility is a hard thing. Not least because you have everyone (and even yourself) telling you to buck up. People have it wise. At least you have one child think of all those who don't even have that.

And do you know what. If I break my arm, being reminded that sone people have lost their arms completely doesn't make this break hurt less

Im so sorry for anyone whos struggled or suffered a loss. Although yabu in that everyone has emotions and are entitled to be upset no matter whether its a first child or 3. However i also agree op. When i lost my one and only pregnancy i was on a mc support group and i hated when women with 3, 4 5 and even 6 kids told me they are in exactly the same position as me. I always thought er no you have children go and cuddle them and watch them sleep and count your blessings because i have nothing. But thats my emotions clouding it.

Yep those kind of posts are rather self indulgent . Surely 2 is more than enough. Can the urge for a 3rd really be that big?! The “gender disappointment” ones are equally self indulgent and ridiculous lm afraid

Yanbu

People can't help how they feel, Firstdate and they will express it sometimes if it is quite a strong feeling. Sharing things is supposed to be good for us, is it not? I doubt anyone would knowingly talk in that way in front of an infertile person.

I too think that if someone has two children, why not be content with that but the person has to come round to that way of thinking themselves which can take a bit of time during which they will occasionally want to vent to people whom they like.

Let's not be too hard on each other, w'ere only human.

I agree that having none is worse than not having another. My gran had 6 children and 2 foster children and still wanted more. Surely anyone would agree that she was better off than someone who didn't have any? Even she thought so.

I presume you read the post on PMGUK this evening? I’m a member too. As you know, it’s a private group and although obviously the OP of that post was anonymous, I think it’s really out of order to bitch about it on here. I’ve reported this to the group admins. FWIW, I’m struggling to conceive a second child, but I don’t start rolling my eyes about others who have 2+ and want more.

I don't think a hierarchy of grief is helpful really.

You could have people who've been widowed saying that those longing for a child shouldn't be writing it because at least they've still got their partner, or those with life limiting cancer saying I wish I could worry about my fertility but I know I'm going to die in the next few months or or or.

It doesn't do to censor or boundary other people's emotions and if none of those people have said anything overtly hurtful then they've just said what they're feeling, and that's OK.

When I had an ectopic and then struggled to get pregnant I was distressed and hurt when people told me they were pregnant, or discussed their plans for prams etc with me. I had friends who moaned about how tired they were because of a baby keeping them up or how uncomfortable their big belly was. It felt tactless and insensitive. I was grieving and reacted badly. But they'd done nothing wrong.

What is this group? Is it for people suffering infertility?

No, it’s a private group for mums who are doctors (physician mums UK). I’m a member but I’ll certainly think twice about posting on it in future

But in a sense you are talking about rational response, and the urge to keep procreating is a huge, huge, irrational, biological one. We have decided to not have a third, for so many reasons many of which have been up here (time, money, age, environment bla bla bla) and I would never go on about it to anyone - it rationally is absolutely the right decision. But I am taken aback sometimes by how much I still yearn and really quite bizarrely ache for a third. And a fourth.

Up until 80 years ago women were routinely having double figure children (Read Working Class Wives if you don't believe me), contraception and the amazing, liberating choice it gives us is still also a profound change in how we live our lives and some people are probably really painfully craving 'fulfilling' their biological destiny in a way.

Or they just want a third child.

YABU. My third child died. I can’t even put into words how desperately I wanted and needed another baby to try to do something to bring me a little comfort.

YANBU. I personally don’t think anyone should do more than replace themselves on the planet, if everyone had a 3rd it would be catastrophic for the environment. Plus if people are posting this on a site where there are also people struggling to have children at all they are incredibly insensitive.

So is it just a group for doctors who are mums? Therefore everyone on it already has at least one child, in theory? In that context, I don't think it's worthy of eye-rolling, no.

On a group for doctors who are mums. She wasnt at all unreasonable to assume she wouldn't upset anyone.
On an infertility board j would expect more caution.

Presumably if it is a big forum then even if it is ostensibly private I can't see that the Op is much of a betrayal!

Well the OP here posted this about an hour after the original post was made on the FB group. I’d hate to think that this mum would see this on here, if she is already having difficulties in her life. There was absolutely no need for OP to start a thread about this

Yabu

The op posted here because she wanted some validation I think so we shouldn't be too hard on her. Maybe not a bad idea to delete this thread now but that's up to admin.

People often have broader shoulders than we think and the person addressed by the op was insensitive even though she didn't mean to be. We just get caught up in our own little issues at times and can't see the big picture. Sometimes a rebuttal will help us to do so.

I don’t see why it should be deleted. OP was expressing their opinion. To be fair she was more polite / controlled then l would have been and lm assuming she hasn’t chose to share her views with the poster on the original group

I can understand the thought process because, I'm not proud of it, but my husband having taken his own life means I'll probably never be a Mum and I'd take that over having him back. But there was isn't a competition on our feelings. We just feel them. Yes be grateful for what you have but the feelings of wanting a second or third child are still very real and important too.

I'm struggling with fertility TTC number one. I think YABU. Just because someone else has it worse doesn't mean your feelings are invalid.

You wouldn't tell someone who was in pain everyone they walk to stop moaning because some people can't walk at all. We don't stop people from complaining about how annoying glasses or contact lenses are because some people are blind.

So why are women expected to never ask for help/support with infertility. It sucks. Full stop. Your feelings on not being able to have the family you wanted are valid no matter what you already have.

I lost my second baby. Losing her destroyed me. I yearned for my third baby, and month after month I got that negative on the test. I wandered around in a bubble of grief, a shell of myself. My third child saved me, brought me back, taught me to live again.

Everyone's situation is different and we never know what's going on under the surface. Lots of people use internet forums as an outlet for feelings and emotions kept buried deep during everyday life. It's important to be kind.

We are childless but not by choice. Had numerous rounds of IVF. Nothing. That’s life.

But YABU to be taking offense on someone else’s behalf. It really irritates me when people seem to think they know what will upset someone whose situation they know nothing about. Save the style-rolling for those who are actually struggling to have one. Or who have struggled and will never have one. Don’t assume you know what this road is like and I don’t need anyone to feel annoyance on my behalf. I have enough of my own.

@notanotherjigsawpiece me too. I also feel that it is very much against the ethos of that group to post elsewhere about it. Also why mention it’s a Fb group for dr mums - makes it so identifiable. Disappointed that someone has chosen to do this.

And I think it’s entirely reasonable for someone to be upset about not having a third child. Or about any other aspect of their life not turning out as they hoped or dreamed it would

I guess unless it is a group for those with fertility issues, yabu.
Of course you aren’t wrong to feel what you feel, but as this thread shows, you can’t know what is going on or has gone on, in someone’s life that has perhaps made them feel desperate for a third child.

My DD lost one of her twins at 32 weeks. That one survived and is thriving, doesn’t take away the agony of loss she also feels. Conception too often goes hand in hand with loss or great difficulties ahead and sometimes conception is a battle that isn’t won at all. Which is unfair and heartbreaking. We just don’t know what is going on in the lives of people around us, and although you are going through your own desperation , I think if possible it’s good to work at trying not to resent what other people also feel they desperately need.